I put a poster of David DeJesus up on my bedroom wall. Cougs said to me, “Grey, why do we have a picture of David DeJesus on our bedroom wall?” She was right. It was silly to put DeJesus up on my wall. So I cut out his face, cut out his lips, cut out his eyes and taped it around her face with masking tape, so she could see and talk to me through DeJesus. Then I asked my religious poster-ography if it could please leave my sweet, sweet upside pitchers alone. DeJesus said back to me, “Yes, can you please untape this thing from my head now?” DeJesus spoke to me! Too bad I didn’t do this prior to Yordano Ventura going out and getting rocked (2 2/3 IP, 5 ER) and then complaining after the game of elbow discomfort. Dah! As we know by now, no pitchers get away with elbow discomfort without a DL stint. The MRI will either lead him to a 15-day DL stint or a 12-18 month one. Lowercase yay. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Lorenzo Cain – 4-for-4 and his 6th steal. Cain…Sugar! Get higher, baby! Get higher, baby! Get higher, baby! And don’t ever come down!
George Springer – 4-for-4, 5 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. A lot of good has come of Springer’s emergence for the Astros, but the one drawback is now Barbara Bush needs to learn all this new shorthand when keeping score at Astro games like a double, an RBI and a homer.
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-4. Said he’s done switch-hitting. GLAAD could not be reached for comment.
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite! On the fo’really, he hasn’t done a whole lot, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets hot at some point. Maybe that point is now. Yes, I’m kinda saying that because Arenado left a giant hole at my corner infidel spot, and I need something.
Elvis Andrus – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 13th steal. He’s seven for his last sixteen with two steals, 3 RBIs and five runs as he’s been back in the two-hole since this weekend. Hmm… Been a whole lot easier since the Prince left town! Been a whole lot happier without that face around! I hope them Hostess cupcakes are gonna make you cough! Hope you read this blurb and it pissed you off! Yes, that was a Spin Doctors mash-up.
Nick Tepesch – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Hmm, maybe I should temper the Tepesch/Passover jokes and actually look at him for fantasy. Eh, no shanks!
Jose Abreu – Took grounders, played catch and hit off a tee. Though, he wasn’t able to win a giant plush SpongeBob.
Scott Downs – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER and his first save. This wasn’t a stereotypical save because he came into the 8th inning in a save situation but it was a four run lead, and it remained that way into the ninth. That’s not to say Belisario is safe, after all his nickname is Very-sorry-yo, but I’d continue to hold Belisario and Webb, in that order.
Conor Gillaspie – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting around .350 in the last week, and — God, this is sad to say — I actually filled in for Arenado with Gillaspie in one league. *goes to shake fist at sky, doesn’t feel like going outside, shakes fist at picture of Razzball contributor, Sky*
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Exactly a week ago I said, “Rather than a hot schmotato, I’m beginning to think now we can set our clock to Viciedo homering again in a week, assuming we have a clock that has a day hand and a homer hand.” Prescient ain’t just a word you need Dictionary.com to define!
Carlos Santana – Missed yesterday because he could be dealing with a concussion. He should’ve never been catching, or messing with that black magic woman.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 8th steal. All he does is fill up the stat line! Which better be enough for you. You greedy, yo!
Mark Teixeira – Scratched due to a stiff wrist. WebMD says it’s Legionnaires’ disease, but it’s prolly a day-to-day wrist thing.
Carlos Beltran – Took dry swings and said, “I feel good,” then did a James Brown split and felt less good.
Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA is at 2.67. His peripherals are as pretty as you thought they would be (9+ K/9, 2.5 BB/9, 3.17 xFIP) back in March. Can we teleconference Danny Salazar, Gerrit Cole and Tony Cingrani into this blurb?
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. 21 to go!
Casey McGehee – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .286 on the year and 7th best RBI total in NL with 31. With the success of McGehee, more players might go to Japan to jump start their careers. From very-cacki to teriyaki to teri-riffic!
Nate Eovaldi – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. Florida’s Captain EO providing you with real-life thrills without the depressing memories of vitiligo and a sham marriage to Priscilla Presley.
Ryan Zimmerman – Progressing to swinging and throwing. That’s good, since, ya know, he is a baseball player. Bravo, Zimmerman. If only ‘bravo’ had the same effect on you as Bert Cooper.
Adam LaRoche – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer in his 2nd game back. That didn’t take long. Definitely would own if you were struggling with the loss of Fielder or Arenado or Votto or you name ‘em.
Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. George Hamilton and Ricardo Montalban’s love child has a 3.47 ERA, but pretty lousy Ks and xFIP, making him more of a streamer, and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next start.
Cliff Lee – Not ready to throw yet, and there’s no timetable for his return from his sore arm, i.e., The Adverb’s got dangling claws.
Kyle Kendrick – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks. With four walks to two Ks, he shows why he’s about as appealing as what his last name sounds like, an anatomically correct Ken doll.
Ryan Howard – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 8th homer. Howard tore through the ball yesterday after hearing Walt Weiss repeatedly move his center fielder back. That one is for you Rosa Parks.
Chase Utley – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI. Phillies should take a DeLorean to every game.
Ben Revere – 3-for-5, 1 RBI. Hasn’t stolen much recently, but he is hitting .400 in the last week, and the steals could come in bunches. Hot schmotato!
Yonder Alonso – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in the last 4 games. In good conscience, I can’t tell anyone outside of NL-Only leagues that he’s worth picking up. Or in good conscious, I think they both work.
Everth Cabrera – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and a slam & legs. EverCab making owners sing that late 90’s song, “Middle Infielder of Mine.”
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Damn, I dropped him early in the day yesterday. Oh, well, bombs voyage!
Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.86. Where’s the emoticon for a middle finger?
Josh Donaldson – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and Brandon Moss 1-for-4 also hit his 12th homer. Anagrammed out Donaldson and Moss are the Dos Almond Sons. Not quite as catchy as the Bash Brothers, but sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you feel like two.
Kyle Blanks – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 1st homer. Not much here to see yet in mixed leagues, but for AL-Only he has power and in those leagues you’re just filling in the Blanks.
Derek Norris – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, as he hits .316. Has cooled off dramatically since April when he hit .386, but at least he’s been better than Ricky Gervais’s show, Derek. What a mess that is.
Tommy Milone – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. His home ERA is below 1.35, his road ERA is 5.80. In other words, he’s a homeschooling MediOAKer.
Erik Bedard – 4 IP, 7 ER. Memorial Day in Toronto was not kind to Bedard. Or as Canadians called it, Monday.
Desmond Jennings – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, that’s to go along with his 11 steals. He’s on pace for around a 15/30 season, though he is batting in the .240’s. That’s shabby chic.
David DeJesus – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. I wonder if that was really him or Cougs wearing my poster face.
Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 15th homer. Can someone check to make sure the fences in Rogers Centre are meters and not centimeters?
Melky Cabrera – 3-for-3, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .322, and, more remarkably, is the best hitting M. Cabrera.
A.J. Ellis – Hit the DL after hurting his ankle in Beckett’s no-hitter celebration. The reminds me of the time I won the New Jersey state Connect Four championship and my buddy Pickles started hyperventilating without his inhaler. He was fine, but it sorta bummed out my celebration.
Hanley Ramirez – Missed Monday and seems headed to the DL, but this season it feels like I could say that about any player and I have an 80% chance of being right.
Matt Kemp – Sat out his 4th straight day. Mattingly built a dog house for Puig, but since he’s hitting, he just hates to see it go to waste.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. He had a perfect game going into the 8th inning, which had Elias Sports Bureau scrambling for the last back-to-back no-hitter for a team, which was the Cleveland Spiders vs. the Hoboken Arachnophobes, but that was an unfair matchup obviously.
Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.06. Where’s the magic, Ervin?! He hasn’t pitched a whole lot worse than two weeks ago when his ERA was 2.76. If you can get him on the cheap, this could be a solid buying opportunity. Or po’tunity, if you’re in a rush.
Chris Johnson – 2-for-5, a day after a two-hit game and a homer. Wouldn’t expect much from him in the power department, but he could hit for a lot higher average than his current .268. Plus, if you scream his name real fast, it will make you should like an old man in a urinal who can’t urinate.
Clay Buchholz – 3 IP, 6 ER. Red Sox said he could get bumped from the rotation. Since he has a 7.02 ERA, I say what the hell is taking so long? Rubby de la Rosa could replace him in the rotation, which also would make him the player with the most porn star-sounding name in the majors.
David Ortiz – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer. Big Papi has been outspoken with the media about how he doesn’t like how he has no protection in the lineup. Um, Jackie Bradley Jr. walked three times in one game and Grady Sizemore has taken some of the sexiest selfies. Papi’s way off here.
Brock Holt – 2-for-5, 2 runs and hitting near-.400 in the last week. I actually picked him up to fill in for Arenado in one league. I will now laugh hysterically on the 405 until I am committed.
Noah Syndergaard – Hit the Triple-A DL with an injury to his elbow. They should just throw a shirt on Mr. Met that reads, “We can’t have anything nice.”
Jacob deGrom – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks vs. Brandon Cumpton (6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K). This was a rematch of deGrom vs. Cumpton that saw Cumpton win the first time. Not a major league game rematch, that matchup was of British flavorless shortbread cookies. As anyone that has followed this in the British tabloids, The Queen Mum likes deGrom, but Cumpton sounds like Compton and is loved in Brixton. F0r fantasy, I wouldn’t touch either outside of NL-Only leagues.
Jose Valverde – 2/3 IP, 4 ER and released by the Mets after the game. Not sure what they were expecting from a guy nicknamed Poopie Grande. A small poopie? That would just be unfair to him and the verisimilitude of his nickname.
Dave Hudgens – Mets also fired their hitting coach because they can’t fire the guy that built Metco and Sandy Alderson won’t fire himself.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. What a Duda day!
Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save as Jason Grilli worked, um, Friday. How is the Pirates coaching staff tying their shoes while wearing those kid gloves? Obviously, I’d continue to hold Melancon, until Grilli goes on back-to-back days.
Josh Hamilton – Diagnosed with a bone bruise on his surgically-repaired thumb and hopes to take batting practice on Wednesday. I have a feeling that this is going to be an ongoing issue for him all year. Call it mustache intuition.
Tyler Skaggs – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks. You never know what you’re gonna get out of Skaggs — a 7 IP, 2 ER game or a 7 IP, 5 ER game — and yesterday you got both if you count his three unearned runs.
Robinson Cano – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal, hitting .332 on the year with two homers. Did he switch bodies with Fred Savage?
James Jones – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th steal. Has a hit in nine of his last ten games with three steals over that time. SAGNOF Mike just went over his James Jones fantasy. I concur. Or concurr, if Mystikal is reading.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners (0 BBs), 10 Ks. Nice step in the right direction from what Alphabet Soup was doing that made me list him as a Sell last week, but his Ks are still low and his ERA (1.68) is still absurd for the pitcher that he is, so regression will still be his.
Nate Schierholtz – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. I’ve had an iCal reminder set for me since the end of April to pick up Schierholtz as soon as he hit his first homer. So yesterday I was like, “Siri, pick up Schierholtz.” And she was like, “There are three stores in your area that sell sheer pantyhose.”
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Since I told you to Buy him, he has a .364 average with 5 homers in 33 ABs. Looks like Sandstraightline can hit as well as Sandoval.
Jim Henderson – Had a setback with his shoulder. K-Rod will continue to handle save opportunities and any teammates’ beef with their stepfathers, even though K-Rod hasn’t looked nearly as good recently (since I traded him to Tehol), giving up two earned runs and blowing his 2nd save yesterday.
Khris Davis – 4-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and his third homer in the last week and hitting over .300 in that time. And that’s all I needed to see. I’ve now picked him up in all leagues where he was available. Hopefully he channels his namelganger and goes on a tear.
Jonathon Schoop – 3-for-5 and two solo homers (4, 5). He’s still only hitting .228 and has been sporadic with fantasy value. I’m kinda hoping he stays sporadic so I can highlight him next year for a sleeper. Josh Rutledge and Brad Miller who?! Middle infielders that you were crazy about the last two years that failed miserably. I was being facetious, Random Italicized Voice. I never watched that Keri Russell show. Facetious, not Felicity!
Chris Tillman – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Hey, it didn’t work out, but if you’re holding onto him, you’re doing damage to your team for no reason. His upside isn’t that great that you can’t find someone similar off of waivers.
Chris Davis – Missed the last two days to see the birth of his baby girl, Marykakis. That’s the last time Davis makes any bets with teammates too.