Hello, Nick Castellanos, see you soon, maybe, yeah, no, okay. Great to meet you, Dylan Bundy, eventually. What do you know it’s, Mike Zunino, maybe at some point in the near future. What’s up, Billy Hamilton, hey, aren’t you supposed to be fast? What’s taking you so long? Is that Oscar Taveras…Oh, it’s Willy Taveras eating nachos out of a dwarf’s sombrero. What about that number one prospect guy that the Royals traded so they could be a .500 team? What’s his name again? Something Byers. Or is it Jon Cryer? HBO Signature Loves Playing Radio Flyer? Wil Myers! That’s it. Let’s compare him first to a guy that he’s nothing like, shall we? Cool, thanks for indulging. What a mensch, you are! Jurickson Profar was called up and has played about as well as expected. Is there any league where you can’t do without him? Sure, maybe in a deep AL-Only league where you lost Kinsler or were starting Marwin Gonzalez. In most mixed leagues, Profar has been good but replaceable. At some point in the near future, Profar’s going to use the world to wipe his butt. He’s not going to wash his hands and then run them down our country’s shirt with his profound badassery. That day probably isn’t that far off. Right now, he’s good, I’ve seen better, I’ve seen worse for mixed leagues. Compare him to Jean Segura if you like. Segura was nice when he came up last year, this year he’s dining with Jay-Z while shushing Blue Ivy. Now, like I said, Wil Myers isn’t a Profar comparison when it comes to their stats, but everything else I said there could apply. Myers is holding his own in Triple-A so far this year (10 HRs, .276) and could be called up in about three weeks. Now would be the time I’d stash him in all leagues. The moment he’s called up it will be like The Day the Earth Stood Still only Hitter-Tron will be saving all the ladies. I’d cautiously expect him to see 80% of starts after being called up, and numbers around 30/14/35/.280/4. That’s probably a tad optimistic, but what fun is there in dour? Those numbers could also be had in three months from, say, Alfonso Soriano. ‘What fun is there in dour’ then you drop Soriano? Sorry, Random Italicized Voice, we’re not seeing a Trout this year and I’m just being honest. What are you, Abe Lincoln? Lie to me! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Gerrit Cole – Speculation is running wildfire like a wild, uh, fire that the Pirates are bringing him up on Tuesday. Scott, our prospect writer, said, “Cole is one of a handful of prospects who project as a true big league ace, and he figures to help across the board in fantasy. PICK HIM UP, caps are for Grey since he’s cross-eyed.” Hey! No, I’m not. Either way, I do agree with Scott. About the first part. He’s going to be an ace, grab him immediately!
Nick Castellanos – Since I mentioned him in the lede, I figured I’m reach around on him again…Um, that’s not what I meant. Feliz Castellanos a Buy? Si. Poquito. Garcia and Dirks no juego so good. I haven’t gone over Castellanos much, and only am now because the Tigers are considering promoting him. He looks like he could be middle infielder in the outfield, which would be a great movie starring Yunel Escobar, Jhonny Peralta and Danny Glover. I’d expect around 7-10 homers, 3-5 steals and a solid average from Castellanos, assuming he’s playing every day. And when we assume you make an ass out of you and Ming the Merciless.
Josh Reddick – Since his return from the DL, Reddick is hitting balls hard…Hehe… Sorry, what? I’m so juvenile. Back that thang up!
J.D. Martinez – Fun fact! When Martinez was named by his Dad after he saw him emerge from his mother’s vagina, he named him Just Damn!. There’s an actual exclamation mark in his name, but has been shortened to periods, and, uh, J.D. I’m dropping truth on you this week. Martinez is hitting near .300 in the last week with a homer and a steal. I’ve seen better, I’ve seen worse, I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
Ben Revere – SAGNOF, snitches!
Cameron Maybin – I just went over him this afternoon. Scroll down a little. A little more. Oh, yeah, right there. (Shh, don’t tell anyone that this morning I said I’d go over Maybin now. He’s a light power, light average and solid speed guy. You know, that’s so Maybin!)
David Murphy – I just thought of a perfect comparison to trying to get you to pick up David Murphy. But I’ve decided not to tell you. Kidding! What else am I gonna do with it? Save it for my death bed and have it be my Rosebud? Trying to get you to pick up David Murphy is like trying to get a kid to eat his vegetables. They’re boring, they taste like crap, they don’t have any high fructose like a young rookie call-up unless Paula Dean is making them, but they’re good for you. Eat your vegetables!
Chris Coghlan – He’s asparagus. Nothing exciting here, but he’s currently hot and will make your urine (almost stutterer!) smell funny.
Scott Van Slyke – I stumbled on brilliance the other day. With your blessing, I’d like to copy and paste it here. No blessing? Geez. You’re tough. Okay, well, it was something like Van Slyke reminds me of Ludwick before pitchers figured out how to pitch him. And that’s me paraphrasing me! Look up Ludwick’s 2007 numbers if you’re not excited yet. Now? How about now? …Now? Okay, I’ll let you have some time.
Nick Franklin – He’s hit in all but two games since his call-up and has 2 homers and 2 steals. Power and speed-wise, that’s better than Profar, who has about a week on him. Absolutely ridiculous to think Franklin gives two homers and two steals a week for the rest of the season, but if you can’t come to Razzball and get ridiculous, where can you go? If Franklin stays with that 2/2 pace every week, he’ll have a 20/20 season. No, don’t trade Brandon Phillips for him, but do pick him up. BTW, our rest of the season Player Rater doesn’t look too kindly on rookies and hates Franklin. Brucely, I don’t care.
Mike Aviles – Due to Asquadrubal’s injury, Aviles will see the bulk of time in the Indians’ infield. Real World comparison: Aviles = a healthy Jeter with less runs. Another real World comparison: Nia is batshizz crazy. The Real World: Portland should’ve been The Real World: Steel Cage Match. Member how back in the day on The Real World producers would rush in to stop fights? Now, they’re pouring flames on them. “This person doesn’t like that person, so let’s put dog crap right under where this person is about to sit.” You know that’s what went down prior to the blow up. Weaves getting pulled off, someone Googling “purity” and the least likable person without a hand since the guy from The Fugitive. Shizz is nuts, yo!
Zack Cozart – What’s funny in a non-funny way, by the time we get to Friday’s Buy column, Cozart is already cold again.
Omar Quintanilla – The horny robot that is the Hitter-Tron loves him some lubed gaskets and Quintanilla this weekend, though less so today. BTW, if you’re not using the Hitter-Tron you’re doing it wrong. It gives you every match-up for the next week and a prediction on how well everyone will do. It’s basically Grays Sports Almanac.
Chris Johnson – He took full-time duties at 3rd base, but so far he’s homophoning duties. I expect he’ll get hot again at some point, and a decent guy for counting stats.
Adam Lind – I wrote a two line poem for him. Here goes, who’s the hottest schmotato in the land? It’s gotta be Lind. So, it doesn’t rhyme; I took poetic license.
Ryan Doumit – In the last week, he has 4 homers and a .333 average. Okay, so he’s not exactly Domonican, but it’s pretty good.
Jason Castro – The best thing that happened to one of our teams was Jesus Montero being sent down so we could grab Castro. He’s hitting over .350 with 4 homers since then. That team is obviously not doing well.
Joe Smith – It’s a poor week to be vulturing saves. (Please let a closer I don’t own get injured tonight and please let me be near a computer so I can grab his backup.)
Michael Wacha – He looked like hot garbage left under the seat of your car in his last start, but I still like him.
Tyler Skaggs – Also, under-the-seat hot garbage last time out. In a match-up that featured both him, Wacha and me screaming obscenities at my iPad screen. Skaggs in the NL West will have plenty of juicier match-ups like his next one vs. the Giants.
Tony Cingrani – Get him while the gettin’s gettin’ Cingrani! See, what I did there? I have no idea either. Is it lunch yet?
Rick Porcello – After not liking him for about three years, it’s weird for me to be recommending Porcello so much, but remember he’s only 24 years old and the Tigers called him up when he was way too young. Trial by fire led to conviction by insanity of an overeager management team. He’s being re-tried and… Rehabilitated? Well, now, let me see. You know, I don’t have any idea what that means…I know what you think it means, sonny. To me, it’s just a made-up word. Like schmohawk or yawnstipating.
Gio Gonzalez – He wasn’t officially named in the reports about who could be suspended because some players were using South Beach for illegal drugs and not just whoring and clubbing. But he’s not right, all the same. His K-rate is down with his velocity and his walk rate is up. I don’t think he’s hiding an injury, but I do think he’s closer to a 3.75-4 ERA pitcher this year than the under-3 ERA guy we saw last year. Right now, he looks like the Yovani we thought we were getting in the preseason, which is a decent #2, but if anyone has designs on him being a number one, I’d put on my pith helmet and explore offers with NatGio. Or at least look at the pretty pictures.
Ryan Braun – Unless you have a leaguemate in your league that’s been in a coma for the last week, you’re not going to get first round value for Braun. If you do have a leaguemate who’s been in a coma, do you really think now is the time to be trading with him? So, Braun cheats. Big whoop. I don’t care. I once plagiarized a Whitney Houston song for a final exam about the measures I’d take for a better educational system. The class was boring and I had some weed to smoke. You do what needs to be done. Unfortunately, like myself, Braun was caught. I got off with a C-, because the teacher said, “It is important to show the children all the beauty they possess inside and give them a sense of pride.” Also, like me, just because Braun’s named it doesn’t mean he’s going to be suspended for 100 games starting tomorrow. MLB doesn’t have urine samples and this thing could drag on for months. I’m more worried about how Braun looks right now as he plays. According to our Player Rater, he’s been about as good as Gordon, Bruce and Markakis, to name a few. He’s nowhere near the top of the pops, Robbie Williams. I’d see what I could get in a trade for him before the news gets even worse. I wouldn’t just trade him for a Hypercolor sweatshirt.