Much respect to the mothers. Without my emergence from my mother’s vagina, I wouldn’t be able to bestow on you my fantasy baseball ‘pertness. We are one people and everyone has popped out of a mother’s vagina at one point, unless you’re an alien — I’m looking at you, Andrelton! — and with our emergence from our mother’s vagina — or that Cesarean stuff that I don’t fully understand — I say we should all live together, loving each other, and never speaking of Ike Davis again, cause he sucks. With all that mother loving out of the way, yesterday was about the worst offensive day I’ve seen during a full schedule day for rosterable fantasy hitters. I mean, there were a ton of Brayan Pena’s and Donald Lutz’s doing work, but not a whole lot from guys actually owned. Though, it would be awesome if someone got caught corking their pink bat. Corking a pink bat is like A-Rod growing a mustache. Then the nadir of that offensive dearth (pinnacle of pitching success?) was Chris Sale. He tossed a shutout, one-hitter with 7 Ks vs. the Anathema Angels. Still don’t trust him to stay healthy all season, but it looks pretty likely that he’s going to be pitching well until his arm falls off. Then, if his arm doesn’t fall off perchance, he’s going to be a number one pitcher. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jon Niese – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER on Saturday. I got a new nickname for this guy. I call him Jon Get On Your Mothereffing Niese And Blow Me Because You Effin Suck. We’re done. I dropped him on Saturday. Once he clears waivers, I plan on picking him up so I can drop him again.
Matt Harvey – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Harvey says he’s figured out major league hitters, “Treat them all like Ike Davis.” My Harvey sell still stands (actually it’s standing right next to you — hey, nice shirt!).
Lucas Duda – 1-for-4 with his 8th homer. How many RBIs do you think he has? I’ll set the scene for a better guess from you. He’s hitting behind Tejada (.314 OBP), five other guys that have a sub-300 OBP and David Wright, who is an OBP beast. Duda has 12 RBIs on 8 homers. That’s terrible. Ike Davis should have to buy him and everyone who drafted Ike Davis a car.
Ike Davis – 0-for-4, hitting .180 with 4 homers and 9 RBIs on the year. He didn’t start to come out of his funk until June of last year either. He had a good month of June and August, but wasn’t all that great in July. He didn’t have one month above a .290 average. Might be time to admit that he’s not a .250-ish hitter with great power like he was in the 2nd half last year, but a .220 hitter with power who needs to get lucky to hit .250. Granted, he’s not going to even hit .220, if he doesn’t move about four feet closer to the plate. Soon, the Mets will start talking about sending Davis down to the minors, then he’ll come out of his funk and go back to hitting homers and weak ground balls to 2nd base. At this point, I’m willing to concede it’s time to move on in shallower mixed leagues. You had the world at your fingertips, Ike, and you didn’t wash your hands after you went to the bathroom. Now everyone has pink eye.
Juan Lagares – 0-for-3 with a .152 average. Mean’s while, Lord Jordany Valdespin hit another pinch hit homer on Friday.
Heath Bell – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, Blown Save. Hey, there’s the old Heath Bell I remember! He was about ten feet from a complete catastrophe as one ball was roped down the line and just went foul. It shouldn’t be a surprise to you that Bell is two eggs short of an omelet. Yes, you should back him up with David Hernandez. Yes, now.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. Dos bombtistas!
Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. He’s taking this whole bet I have with myself that Edwin will hit more homers than Bautista seriously. Where was he when I was in high school betting myself I wouldn’t ask Kim to the prom?
Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs, hitting .184. I picked up Goodface in one of our leagues because I know he won’t hit below .200 all year and can steal 30 bags if he stays healthy.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer. The Canadian groundhog must’ve seen its shadow and realized the season started six weeks ago.
Jared Burton – Filled in for Perkins the day after I traded Perkins away, because Perk-dawg has a sore side. Would’ve made that shizz so sweet if I grabbed Burton, but Rudy “I Read Your Mind” Gamble, read my mind. Should’ve known from his middle name. If you’re dying for some SAGNOF and your saves are feeling lonely, grab Burton. Worst case, he gets you involved in Reading Rainbow.
Jake Westbrook – To the DL with elbow soreness but will supposedly only miss two starts. My theory is some rough-and-tumble sabermetricians didn’t like what Westbrook was doing with his FIP and decided to take matters into their hands. My theory is unlikely.
John Gast – Will be the fill-in for Westbrook. Came a bit out of nowhere to dazzle the Triple-A hitters this year — 8+ K/9, 1.38 ERA. He’s this year’s Dan Straily. Last year’s Dan Straily would like to say this, “Lower expectations, doode, don’t raise them.” Gast is a must own in NL-Only leagues, and I’m looking at him in deeper mixed leagues too, just in case he figured something out this year that had eluded him previously. Brucely, I like him better than Westbrook. (BTW, I’m now saying Brucely instead of Frankly. I suggest you do the same. It’s badass.)
Jaime Garcia – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, only blemishes were two two-out homers allowed with men on. You give up homers in the wrong circumstances and this is what happens, now go get your shine box!
Zach McAllister – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, 2.68 ERA on the year. More like McAllI’msayingisheain’tthisgood.
Chris Perez – Was warming up as Cody Allen and Rich Hill combined to get the save and make hitters giggle with Sniglets. Perez said he threw some warm up pitches, but didn’t feel normal. Then he talked to his dad about not wanting to play baseball, but instead become a male cheerleader and he felt normal again. If Perez doesn’t feel ready to go on Monday, Joe Smith might get some saves, no, I didn’t just make up his name.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 with a run and RBI, hitting .306. Hit lead-off yesterday, but with the return of Bourn he’s moved towards the bottom of the order. I still like Brantley, but his counting stats won’t be so glorious.
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. The Committee To Get Drew Smyly Into The Rotation sent around honey-dipped chicken and collard greens and this is the thanks they get? Not cool, Porcello. By the by, you ever wonder if Porcello is related to Frank Viola? He’s not. He lies with his classical instrument-inspired last name.
Jose Valverde – Notched his first blown save yesterday. There’s more where that came from! Though, unless he’s injured (which there’s been no indication of), Valverde still is safe for saves.
Jason Bay – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Not to pile on, but to pile on Jason Bay has been better than Josh Hamilton.
Bronson Arroyo – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Kept hitters off-balance with 78 MPH fastballs while humming the Foo Fighters.
Xavier Paul – Pinch hit homer yesterday. He’s tried to seduce and failed with more teams than Alyssa Milano. He also likes long walks on a beach and juggling oranges. Sorry, I pulled that from his Plenty of Fish profile. (BTW, That site name is really close to Plenty Oafish, which could describe some of the men on there. Am I right, four lady readers? I’m sensitive to your wants and needs.) Paul looks like he could swipe 15 bags with full-time duty (hehe, I said duty) and hit 7 home runs. Too bad he’s a platoon guy with Donald Lutz, who also homered yesterday. Yay, let’s stop traffic and let the Jabbawockeez dance. In NL-Only daily leagues, I’d look at Paul or Lutz, but you gotta be ready to put your keys in the fish bowl and swap.
Ivan Nova – Tweaked his side playing catch. That’s what he gets for getting all sentimental after hearing Cat’s in the Cradle. Harry Chapin will pull on your heartstrings and oblique. Fact!
Eduardo Nunez – To the DL. Maybe it’s the pinstripes that are making people sick. I mean, their players not every other team’s fans.
Vernon Wells – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer and 4th steal. Pujols and Hamilton have nine homers combined. I wonder if Arte Moreno hedged his bets by drafting Vernon Wells in his fantasy league.
Jeanmar Gomez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks. Jeanmar, most famously known for Fanny & Alexander and a movie where The Grim Reaper plays chess, has a 2.28 ERA, but he’s really hot garbage that happened to be facing the Mets in Metco. In related news, start anyone facing the Mess in Metco.
Clint Barmes – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last six days. Very mild schmotato, which doesn’t go well with deer meat.
Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. He got himself through some 1st inning bumps and went on to retire 18 of his next 21. He doesn’t get a whole lot of Ks, but what I noticed while I watched this entire game is he induces a lot of weak contact. I’m a fan.
Desmond Jennings – Sat out all weekend with a tight groin. I used to miss entire weekends in high school with the same problem. Jennings says he’ll be ready to return on Tuesday. Take a cold shower and watch an episode of Roseanne. That used to do it for me.
Roberto Hernandez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. I have no clue where this is coming from, but Roberto Hernandez has been sneaky good this year. His K-rate is a high 8 and his xFIP is better than a lot of owned pitchers. Unfortunately, he has a huge track record that says something must be off here. That’s what you call a lukewarm recommendation combined with a lukewarm pass.
James Loney – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer, hitting .376. The amount of production the Rays get from their Fuzzy Wuzzy Never Was-Anythings at 1st base is pretty amazing. They’re like a bunch of Lyle Overbabies.
Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, which comes after he got rocked in back-to-back games by the Phils and Diamondbacks. He has a terrific K-rate, but a bad WHIP (1.38) and a 4.07 ERA. That, there, is an unpredictable 4th fantasy starter with the name value of more.
Marco Scutaro – 2-for-5 with his 1st homer, hitting near .500 in the last week. Right now, he’s unconscious. The good kind, not the Ike Davis kind.
Ryan Dempster – 5 IP, 6 ER. Where you at now, Big Biscuit? This is your sleeper, yo.
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 BB), 6 Ks. His walks have been up up (stutterer!) until yesterday, but his xFIP is around that of an ace and his K-rate has been right on par with last year. If you had concerns, maybe yesterday eased those concerns cause, ya know, that’s why we’re here — to ease your concerns. Can I get your slippers too?
Scott Feldman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, 2.53 ERA this year. His career ERA is 4.71 in 764 1/3 IP. I’ll let you figure out which ERA is more indicative of him. I’ll give you a hint: the higher one. Now with that said, he gets the Mets next.
Coco Crisp – Could be activated on Wednesday. This is a good time for a reminder that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Adrian Beltre – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. Why is he hitting so well lately? Because I just traded for him and your deity of choice wants me to do well. You take it up with your prayer master.
David Murphy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer this weekend. I know this was against the Asstros, but Murphy gets hot for a few weeks at a time and this might’ve been the kick-start he needs. I’d definitely look at adding him as a 5th outfielder, but you will need to platoon him out against lefties.
Leonys Martin – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. He has no steals, is batting last and hitting .271. More like Yawnys.
Nick Tepesch – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Lastros, which earns some Tepesch applause.
Chris Capuano – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Before we start smacking each other’s butts and calling each other by our pet names, this start was vs. the MIA Marlins. He gets the Braves next and I wouldn’t touch that with a sixteen-foot pole that is wrapped in beef jerky. I’d eat that jerky though, especially if it’s peppered.
Philip Humber – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to “pitch better” and “stop groaning when someone says, ‘You ain’t so perfect now, boy.'”
Chris Carter – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .228. Unlike Ike Davis, if you’re gonna hit for a junky average, at least hit some homers. That’s also the opening line in Adam Dunn’s autobiography.
Wei-Yin Chen – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks but left yesterday’s start with a strained oblique. Aw, that’s too bad. Whatever! (Should I pause longer after my concern?) This could mean we’re going to get the great, almighty, I-throw-one-walk-every-17-starts-while-striking-out-people, Kevin Gausman. Here’s what I said about a week ago, “There’s some speculation that the 4th overall pick in the last draft might be in Baltimore soon. Soon is relative here to Uncle Not That Soon. I think late-June is probably the earliest with early-August more likely. Why do you care? Well, with Bundy on the couch, scratching himself and waiting for his elbow to heal, Gausman could be the next arm called up for the 5th spot in the O’s rotation and he’s been utterly dominant in Double-A. How’s 29 Ks and 1 walk in 28 2/3 IP sound? Yummo! He has number one starter upside and should be owned in AL-Only and keeper leagues already.” And that’s me quoting me! I don’t think Gausman will get the shot due to Chen’s injury, but — and this but is a nice-sized badonkadonk — it’s worth grabbing Gausman to speculate for a day or two until the O’s clarify their butter on what they’re going to do.
Chris Davis – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. You don’t have him for average, but it has dropped almost 100 points in the last three weeks (hitting around .225 in May). I imagine by the time he has 20 homers, he’ll be hitting .250, then at that point he could plateau or continue to fall. Cust kayin’.
Adam Jones – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. He dedicated his homer to Bill Hall’s mother.
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-4, run and has hit in nine straight games. Will he keep it up? Hard(l)y.
Ryan Madson – Could be activated early this week. I’d definitely own him in all leagues. He’s likely to get saves at some point. What point, that is the question, Shakespeare. No one knows. Will depend on when Frieri Mr. Bungles the job or Madson just looks unhittable. I’m guessing within a month. Yes, that’s as vague a timetable as I could think of.
Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. George of the Roses has a 2.98 ERA and a relatively blehtastic K-rate and xFIP. I’d put him and Chacin at the top of the list of guys I’d stream, but I wouldn’t flat-out own them in most mixed leagues.
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He’s the guy who started instead of Eric Young Jr. Maybe Eric Young Jr. was supposed to start and the players just didn’t realize how racially insensitive Walt Weiss was when he made out the lineup card.