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“I’d be a bloody fool if he didn’t frighten me. He’s freakish big and freakish strong. And quicker than you’d expect for a man of that size.”

Edwin Encarnacion is known for his size, bat speed, and his Herculean power. Sir Edwin is tall (he is 6’2″, so I guess not that tall). He possesses massive shoulders and arms thick as the trunk of small trees. Edwin weighs over twenty stone (230 lbs), practically all of it muscle, making him near in-humanly strong. Encarnacion’s strength allows him to wield a bat so humongous, it would make Greg Oden’s wang look like a thumb tack, giving him enormous reach, making him all the more lethal with his eagle-eye vision. Such is the power of Sir Edwin’s strength, that he has been known to literally obliterate baseballs upon contact with just a single blow.

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At the plate, he dons the heaviest, thickest plate armor in all of Major League Baseball. His armor is so heavy, that no ordinary man would be able to move, let alone swing a bat effectively while wearing it, making him nigh-invincible to opposing pitchers throwing inside. Below the plate, he sports chain-mail, boiled leather and a jockstrap, consisting of a 24 karat gold cup connecting with a black pearl G-string. Women( and men)  of all nations would literally give 15 years of their lives just to gaze and feel upon the sculpted buttocks of this savage warrior.

The Elder Gods have truly blessed Encarnacion, making his drafters feel ashamed for ever doubting this valiant stallion. Kind of reminds me of when I, Tehol Beddict, went through a similar dry spell, not having intercourse for a full three days. It felt like an eternity at the time. I thought to myself, “Beddict, you old dog, seems like you’re a charming persona and Brut cologne has ceased to be effective with the females. Or maybe you should stop telling hotties you write about fantasy sports in your down time……?” Three FREAKING days! I couldn’t believe it. The next morning, while watching Mr. Ed  reruns, it hit me; “Beddict, you get more a** than an airplane bathroom. The only way you get blue balls is if a chick had blue lipstick!” And just like that, I turned it back on, rabbit thumping multiple women off of ChristianMingle.com the very next day. Boomshockalocka!

Sir Edwin is scalding hot at the plate right now, blasting 8 round trippers in his last 10 games. Reminds me a bit of the one formerly known as “Sir” Domonic Brown, who went on similar tear last season (He’s since been stripped of his knighthood).

Greetings! And kudos to you if you’ve made it through the opening paragraph without unsubscribing from Razzball, [Jay’s Note: That was the opening paragraph? We’re like at the halfway point yo…] for it only gets better from here, friends. Some of you may find it wrong to compare the charming Edwin to the sadistic murderer and rapist that is “The Mountain”. Some of you may also lather yourselves in Vaseline and don a**-less chaps when in the comfort of your homes, but I don’t judge you, so give me a couple weeks (months? years?) before totally giving up on me, Okay? Cool, thanks.

Unless you’re just coming out of a coma, have been living without internet, or any human contact for that matter, you know that I write a Game of Thrones themed column every few weeks for the site. I suppose I shouldn’t say “for the site,” for that would make it seem as if one of the higher ups actually requested I do this, when in fact the only request I’ve ever received from my fabulous editor, Jay(Wrong) is to “get bent”.

I tie in quotes, usually from the latest episode, with fantasy baseball players who are either disgracing themselves or delighting myself, and no doubt countless others, that particular week and this week is no different. You’ve had an 11 days to catch up thanks to the usual Memorial Day weekend break in the show (shouts to all who done served for real though) so you have no excuse. Seriously, if you’re not watching this show, you need to take a look in the mirror and really ask yourself which direction your life is headed, for this is the most epic television series ever created. Look, even, Snoop Dogg, loves it! I almost wish they would turn it to movie form, increasing the budget dramatically, therefore allowing the battle scenes to be properly portrayed, rather than either being skipped or unjustly done.

I’ve rambled on enough! Let’s dive  in, with the same tenacity and lust Jaime Lannister did with his sister, beside the stank, rotting corpse of their dead, inbred child, Joffrey (the book version where she was down with it, not the TV version where it was forced. That would be wrong ya’ll). Take heed!

“You’re the golden son. You can kill a king, lose a hand, f#ck your own sister, you’ll always be the golden son.” - Tyrion Lannister to his brother, Jaime.

Tyrion, down in his dank dungeon, telling his debonair, sister-raping brother, Jaime, that their father preferred him, the legendary knight and member of the Kings Guard, over himself, the wise cracking, whore mongering, little person (Shocker!). This is toats like the situation going on in LA LA land, with Manager, Don Mattingly, firmly placing Matt Kemp on the bench and praising the Mexican Mafia’s most profitable employee, Yasiel Puig. Take heed to what Mattingly said: ” We feel like right now, Yasiel is the best right fielder in baseball. This guy dominates right field.”

I’m not as down on Kemp as Lord Tywin is of his son Tyrion, and would love to see him traded ASAP, giving him the obviously greater likelihood of production at the plate. It’s hard to imagine another franchise agreeing to take even half of Kemp’s $120 million salary, but hey, someone took Vernon Wells, so I’m not willing to say that this can’t happen.

Puig is absolutely raking by the way. With 10 bombs, 38 RBIs, ,346 average, and 1.060 OPS(!!!!!!), those of us in the fantasy baseball writing profession (did I really just type that?) who predicted a major fall-off for Puig are wolfing down Puig-Sh!t Pie by the dump truck load.

I fell in love with a wh*re and I was stupid enough to think that she’d fallen in love with me.” - Tyrion to Jaime.

You can’t make a ho a housewife, Tyrion. Do the Elder Gods continue to curse the young man, or is he just making poor life decisions? Seriously tho, I truly believe Shea loved Tyrion, he’ just in “woe is me” territory right now, similar to myself and how I’m dead last in the #1 RCL league. #Disgrace.

Want one of the reasons for my epic failures this season? Look no further than this man,  Domonic Brownfor you will witness a man who has let me down more savagely than Chris Brown did Rihanna. Hit me again Domonic! And this time put some stank on it! As I’ve stated many a time, I believe Phillies Manager, Ryne Sandberg, is ALMOST equally to blame for this, but there’s obviously nothing we can do about this. Obviously, I dropped Brown is all formats……..If you know anything about me, then you know that’s a Pinocchio, nose-growing type lie. He will bounce back and lead his still loyal subjects to glory. WITNESS!!

“I thought you were a realist. I didn’t realize you’d die for pride.”- Jaime to Tyrion.

It’s as if Jaime was speaking directly towards me about the aforementioned, Domonic, and the death of my fantasy teams based upon my insistence on holding him. Silence yourself, Jaime, you sister pillaging scum bag!!! I will take zero guidance from this scumbag, and neither should Tyrion. I’d rather live with my honor intact than die a scurrying rat. All hail, Domonic, future King of Westeros!

“Nothing isn’t better or worse than anything. Nothing is just nothing.” – Arya to the dying man. [Jay’s Note: I like this version better.]

I have to disagree with the spritely Stark here, as nothing is sometimes worse than “anything,” as I’m assuming owners of players such as Nolan Arenado, Bryce Harper, Josh Hamilton, Domonic Brown, and Matt Wieters  would gladly take ANY statistics over NO statistics. Am I right ,or am I right, or am I right!? BING!

“Why are you sorry? Because you’re an evil bastard with no conscience and no heart? That’s what I liked about you in the first place.” – Tyrion to Bronn.

Little Tyrion is obviously a little hurt by his once loyal running mate, Bronn, somewhat turning his back on him for payment. Then again, who in the name of the Gods would want to go heads up with, Da Mountain? Why Cersei would pay off Bronn, rather than just having him killed befuddles me such are the mysterious of life, right? Yea, cool. Anyway, speaking of Bronn, I’ve always been a fan of his character in the books as well as the show, but part of me feels like they missed an opportunity to insert a different actor as this could have made for a star turning role, whereas this dude will just disappear and go back to stage acting, soft core porn, or whatever else he was doing before he caught this incredible break. I suppose he did a fine enough job and I’m being a bit too critical but I just can’t silence this voice in my head ( The blow, maybe?), telling me the show creators missed something here.

This particular quote additionally reminds me of another man I know of. That man’s name, you ask?: Mark Buehrlethe flame throwing, Elder God chosen, weapon of mass destruction, pitching for Toronto. Yo Mark, you’re a shotgun, bang, what’s up with that thang? We wanna know, how does it hang? Er, I mean, some of my female readers would like to know…… But seriously tho, the first pitcher to 9 wins? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! Buehrle was a forgotten man, but here in this epic GOT post, we honor him today. It obviously won’t last, but still, honor him today. If you believe in the Elder Gods and own Buerhrle, maybe sacrifice a goat or two in his honor. The key is drinking a pint of blood and eating the heart raw. Works for me, every time.

“I’ve got every kind of filth down here except the kind I like.” - Tyrion to Oberyn.

Tyrion and I, enjoy many forms of “filth.” Zack Wheeler, is not one them. That is all.

“The joy she will feel when my head leaves my neck. She’s wanted this for a long time.” - Tyrion to Oberyn regarding Cersei.

Cersei blames Dinklage for her Mother’s death (she died giving birth to him) and has despised his presence ever since. She refuses to believe anyone but Tyrion poisoned her disgraceful son, and the little guy knows he’s royally screwed (not literally) in this particular situation. This quote reminds me of what Guru to Capozzi(I have recordings) regarding, I, Tehol Beddict. Guru’s been building up his his voodoo mind powers for years in order to get me back for taking down his main squeeze when I was on spring break over in Baaaaastan(Boston). Three things: 1) Im sure you’re asking, “Beddict who the F#ck goes to Boston for Spring Break?” 2) Guru, dude, it was 10 long(not long enough. That beez gave me crabs!) years ago. 3) I didn’t even know Guru then, for he was just a street corner magician, a David Blaine knockoff in tattered rags, and I was stripping my way across the country hoping to be discovered by some big-time modeling agency. FYI, horse tranquilizers and ecstasy make for a wild combo. I don’t recall wether the horse tranq’s were for my pleasure or used to subdue Guru’s wild, big bottomed, lover but I had her neiiiiighing all evening long and that’s a Facto. The certainty that she was also pregnant with Guru’s child might also have something to do with his displeasure towards me. I suppose that was more than three things but whatev.

This quote could also be looked upon as how dynasty league owners of Justin Verlander feel about him after feel after his Nicolas Cage-esque falloff from superstardom. Believing the hype of Verlander figuring everything out this past offseason is something I simply refused to buy into, and hopefully, for your sake, neither did you. J.V.’s ( Yep, he’s been demoted to Junior Varsity. The Shame!) ERA has risen like the one they called Jesus and now sits at 4.04. This has much to do with J.V. getting bent over and thrashed in his past 3 starts, much like the Lannisters have seemingly done to House Stark, and I for one don’t carry a huge amount of faith in the man. You don’t recall many former aces suffering 2 horrific (by their standards of course and not including injuries) seasons, then returning to their past primo form do you, cuz I sure don’t. That would be like Eddie Murphy magically becoming hilarious again and dropping hit after hit on us like he did in the early 90’s. Verlander’s owners are hoping for a Beverly Hills Cop type performance but at this point they’ll be lucky to get Bowfinger

“I have only loved one woman, only one my entire life. Your sister.” – Tehol Beddict to Guru.

Yes, not only did I do the hoobastank with his pregnant  dream woman, I body bagged the wise one’s sister as well. Hard to believe, I know. Causing one man, such an incredibly immense amount of pain was never my intention, but she had that bomb, ya’ll. She didn’t sh*t right for a week! (NSFW)

Back to this quote though. Yes, I whispered it, oh so softly into the Guru’s ear on dark and stormy night, what seems like centuries ago, but it was also said by Lord Baelish to his new bride, Lysa Tully, just before chucking her out the moon door as with the kind of calm demeanor I imagine former hoops prodigy, Eddy Curry, used to throw his nut rags at his limo driver/man servant.

I’ve also only loved one man in my life. His name: Chris Davis. Speaking of Crush, I was completely enamored with his twin brother, Khris Davis, this preseason and was shocked in witnessing what seemed like all of America and 2/3 of Canada, drop him like Biebes did Selena Gomez. Unlike, da Biebs, I’m assuming an extremely large portion of you are regretting your decision as Davis has raised his average 20 points in the past 10 days, hitting .417 with 3 jacks in the last week. To quote one my all time favorite rappers, 50 Cent, “It huuuuuurts,” but not as badly as the video below.

Thank you for joining me once again on razzball, and allowing me to pay homage to two things I enjoy so thoroughly; Fantasy Baseball and Game of Thrones. As per usual, your comments and questions are greatly appreciated below and I will answer them fairly quickly, usually even faster.

Following me on Twitter is also a suggested task and you may do this at @TeholBeddict47.

 

 

 

 

From Around The Web

  1. atgreat says:
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    epic!

    • Shawn of the Livid says:
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      @atgreat: A ramble of epic proportions.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @atgreat: thank u. I thought so haha

  2. timmyk93 says:
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    Wow. By far, the worst write up I have ever read here. That was true crap.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @timmyk93: would have been funny if you said ” sometimes nothing is better than anything”

    • Pope says:
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      @timmyk93: You have less intellect than King Geoffrey on his worst of days

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Pope: That was quite rude wasn’t it?! Thank you, Pope, for your kindness in this time of pain and anguish

    • Kida'sfather says:
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      @timmyk93. Tell my son to stop fucking you so loud. Or at least wear a ball gag. Jesus Timmy. Which is by the way up there with lance and Bruce as far as best names.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Kida’sfather: Thanks for reading, Mr. A. Your comments and deep thoughts are always thoroughly appreciated

  3. Jackie Treehorn says:
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    Awesome article, your grace.

    Your grace, who do you like more ROS in a 10 h2h points league.

    Puig or McCutchen?

    I don’t think Puig is going to slow down that much…your grace

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Jackie Treehorn: extremely challenging question my liege but I’d have to lean Cutch based on track record tho I like Puig a great deal. Don’t think u can go wrong either way. I suppose I rambled more here and didn’t answer question or did I?

  4. The Duchess says:
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    I’m not a GOT fan but I’m really glad you FINALLY came to your senses re: Dom Brown (I saw an article somewhere recently that read “Phillies debating sending Brown to minors” if only I had saved the link for you…
    I’m glad you gave Kemp some love, he seems to need it from any and all sources right now- esp since Khloe K is still w that gross rapper. If only LAD could/would trade him to a NY team…
    I wish I had listened to you about K not C but K Davis… I drafted him, hung on through most of April then cut ties and missed his last 10 days of excellence but since I play with a bunch of tool/fools he was still out there waiting on the wire for me.
    Lesson learned: listen to Tehol (unless it involves anything to do w/ Bryce… sorry I had to) xxo

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Duchess: Duchess, my dear. My sweet princess of Fantasy. Every day I thank the Elders for bringing you into my life and the prominent role you now possess. You must not have actually read all the way through for I refuse to give up on Dom Dom. Annnnnd I didnt really give Kemp that much love or any if I recall. Buuut, glad u appreciate all my other advice other than Harper of course and is that reallllllly my fault?

  5. Jay says:
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    Digging the GoT parallels.

    Hoping you can help me out with a small issue – Billy Butler. To drop or not to drop?

    I’m thinking yes. Now that Arcia and Willingham are back for the Twins, are either worth a pickup to rid myself of Butler?

    Thanks!

    • Carnac says:
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      Billy Butler is Samwell Tarly.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Carnac: Perfect comparison

      • SheriffMcRawDawg says:
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        @Carnac: +1

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Jay: Gods has he been that horrific? I haven’t owned him since he got to the league so I hardly pay attention this tub of goo. I would probably hold over those other guys u mentioned, but I wouldn’t hold it against you if you dropped him, like right now

  6. Carnac says:
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    “I have only loved one woman, only one my entire life. Your sister.” – Tehol Beddict to Guru.

    Tehol is Robert Baratheon. Guru is Eddard Stark. JayWrong is… Varys?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Haha

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Carnac: HAHAHAHAHAHA. VARYS???? the eunuch? that aint right yo, tho he does smell of lilacs and have soft white hands

      • Jimbo says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: varys is actually pretty badass for a guy with no dick and balls. Or is it jut balls? I unfortunately googled how does a eunuch piss with out a dick. I guess that’s why Reek reeks.

      • Jimbo says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: varys is actually pretty badass for a guy with no dick and balls. Or is it jut balls? I unfortunately googled how does a eunuch piss with out a dick. I guess that’s why Reek reeks.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Jimbo: I, also did the same a couple years back. sounds like an unfortunate situation. Varys is a legend tho.

  7. JVrox says:
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    big trade involving good ole Edwin and I just don’t know if I can go through.
    12 team H2H with OBP and WHIP split into H/9 and W/9 and QS instead of wins

    I give Rios/Ortiz/Kimbrel for E5/Wong/Skaggs

    C: Salty
    1b: A-gon
    2b: Dee gord
    SS: Alcides
    3b: Santana (DL)
    MI: Nick Franklin
    CI: Freeman
    OFx4: Rios, Bruce, Hunter, Cuddyer
    Util: Ortiz
    BN: Byrd, Trumbo(DL)

    SPs: Scherzer, Kluber, Lohse, Keuchel, Chavez, Hughes, Liriano
    RPs: Kimbrel, Perkins, Krod, Britton

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @JVrox: Nope, cannot do it, playa. thanks for reading tho fo who

  8. OneI'dWilly says:
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    I was one of those idiots who gave up on Kris too early, but it’s OK I dropped him to pick up Brantley, but I held onto Swisher whomp whomp.

    I should have asked a “Grey, who would you drop?” question in his daily post.

    Anyway. Nice work, Lord Tehol. Sweat ya, brah

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @OneI’dWilly: Thank you, William. Brantley is a legendary figure in the game. nice work! Not sure what’s wrong with Swisher Sweets but maybe he snaps out of it….. Giambi could be available

  9. The Guru

    The Guru says:
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    A GOT rant of epic proportions that I will praise at your funeral after I kill you with a sharpened toothbrush I saved from my weekend in a New Orleans jail.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Guru: Ive already marked u down as the speaker at my funeral, oh wise and powerful one. Will ur sister be there

  10. Donny says:
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    Incredible rant, fun read!

    If I could pick your brain here:

    12 team H2H redraft league, standard 5×5 categories.

    Get: Adrian Gonzalez, Alexei Ramirez, Michael Brantley
    Give: Albert Pujols, Jose Altuve, Pablo Sandoval

    Current lineup:
    C: McCann
    1B: Pujols
    2B: Altuve
    SS: A. Cabrera
    3B: Encarnacion
    OF: Choo, Morse, AJax
    Util: Sandoval, Arcia
    B: Wong, C. Santana
    DL: Harper
    SP: Cobb, Cole, Bailey, Kluber, Ventura, Eovaldi, E.Santana, Quintana
    RP: Robertson, KRod, Doolittle

    Pull the trigger or stand pat, what would you do?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Donny: Thank you, Donny. Glad you enjoyed. Sooooo, the major upgrade you’re getting is Brantley here and that’s not a for sure thing, tho, I’m pretty sold he’ll be good ROS. I am the biggest Alexi fan on planet and I don’t trust this to continue. Love Altuve also and Da Prince. Tough one, man, but I’d prob stand pat. shouldn’t kill you either way if your heart desires these men on your roster.

  11. Pope says:
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    My god…. I am almost speechless…. Nick Cage, Bad Santa, 90’s Eddie Murphy… plus the usual GOT epic translation and comparison…. all in one post!?
    You have certainly outdone yourself sir.
    Nick Cage is a saint, his stardom is one that cannot be forgotten.
    And as far as your analysis on Bronn, I could not agree more. I’d say soft core porn for sure.
    I don’t blame you for Harper this year… and if the gods are just he will be such a monster when he gets back, no one will even remember that he resembled Bran Stark for the first half of the year (yes, I know his legs are fine, but as far as FBB goes he is still crippled goddamnit!)
    I digress… always a pleasure Tehol. I will pray for Domonic Brown, and watch him on the waiver wire like a hawk for the moment he begins his assault on King’s Landing

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Pope: Thanks POPE!!! I think you just moved into first place on my all time favorite commenters list. #Kudos.

      I watched Cage’s most recent flick, “Joe,” and it’s not terrible, or at least received good reviews but ughhhh, I’m not sold he’s back by any means.

      Domonic on waivers; I never thought I’d see the day. How tragic. The Gods are sometimes merciless. Truly a sad day in the Beddict household.

      Thanks again for reading.

  12. DL Haven says:
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    Wow, fun read

    12 team H2H redraft league, standard 5×5 categories

    Beckham for Kemp

    Kemp’s upside has to be worth more than Beckham

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @DL Haven: ACCEPT. ACCEPT! Get it done. yes.

  13. ashtray says:
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    Going forward could you please find a way to work Natalie Dormer in every week. I don’t care how. There’s always room for that goddess.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @ashtray: that’s a promise

      • ashtray says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: You’re a good man. And thorough.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @ashtray: I try to be. I can’t believe I left her out in the first place

  14. Julio White says:
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    good article this week. looks like you hit almost 20 commenters. what’s that like a 1,000 words per reader? you should be oozing with pride.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Julio White: Im oozing somewhere else. #STD

Comments are closed.