Have to go through a lot other ‘perts’ turd nuggets to find some kernels of truth, right? So I took a looksie at ESPN’s mock draft. These guys (and maybe girls, cause I don’t even recognize some names — Becquey? Is that the phonetic pronunciation of the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway’s abbreviation, BQE? No idea.) make their living by doling out fantasy baseball advice, but, as Tim Gunn would say, the problem is they’ve been in the monkey house too long. Here’s Gunn’s explanation, “When you first walk into the monkey house at the zoo, what do you do? You cover your nose and think, “This place stinks!” After some time, you’ve adjusted a bit, “Well, I guess this isn’t so bad.” Then later, you don’t even notice the smell.” ESPN builds a bunker, doles out advice but has no idea what the stench is like. To get poetic on you, they think their feces smells like Reese’s Pieces.
In that mock, they drafted Ian Stewart 163rd overall. Wow, Stewart has an ADP of 120 at Mock Draft Central so that’s awesome value! The only hitch is, there’s no way anyone’s getting Stewart that late in a draft if they draft with anyone but those ESPN readers who are also in the monkey house. The monkeys at ESPN don’t even mention Stewart was good value at 163. You know why? Because they have no idea. They don’t look at anything besides what’s written at ESPN. It’s like Hurley from Lost doling out fantasy advice. Jack’s doing surgery, Locke’s seeing shizz and The BQE is taking Ian Stewart 163rd overall. Honestly, I’m not even sure if they have an internet connection in Bristol. So this look at the monkeys’ mock draft may be constructive for those of you who are playing against other monkeys, but, in reality, we’re just mocking them. Anyway, here’s some head scratchers from ESPN’s 2010 fantasy baseball mock draft:
Carl Crawford – 7th overall. Ha! Seriously, I don’t even know what to say about this. Michael Bourn is that different at around pick 100? The saving grace to this pick is that it was made by Nate Ravitz, who, I believe, is the neighbor in Bewitched. Could be wrong.
Joe Mauer – 14th overall. Bewitched neighbor grabbed him too. So with Mauer and Crawford he’s looking at about 35 homers combined for his first two picks. Guess he’s punting power. Yeah, he just lost. Thanks for playing.
Ryan Howard – 18th overall. This is the last player I’m looking at that was taken way later than they will normally go. (Kinsler at 21?! Wait, did they do this mock draft in 2007 and forget to post it?) Howard is a great pick at 18. Again, ain’t happening in the real world, so I’m done looking at value picks in this draft.
Derek Jeter – 25th overall. I actually like Tristan Cockcroft (who is a Yankee fan and maybe why he made this pick), but Jeter at 25th overall is just silly. Maybe Cockcroft is hoping for a wedding invite. Not sure; let’s not dwell.
Yovani Gallardo – 69th overall. The BQE goes for YoGa about 40 spots before he should, but not nearly as bad as…
Brandon Webb – 98th overall. They are totally reprinting a 2007 draft just to see if anyone will notice. Very sneaky.
James Shields – 152nd overall. Not a pick I would make, but this isn’t so much about the time Shields was drafted. The real knee to the balls is in the comments where they wrote, “Becquey takes James Shields with pick No. 152, and many lament that Shields is off the board.” Why? Because of his mediocre K-rate? Is it his increasing walk rate? Is it his inability to pitch in away games? Is it his division? Are they using a new definition of lament? Seriously, I have to stop before I get an aneurysm.