Tommy Hanson‘s line yesterday was one and two-thirds innings and eight earned runs. Yes, you’ve been Pwnson’d. Hanson said he felt dizzy during the game, I’m sure his owners can sympathize. Hanson has an ERA of 4.18 on the year and back to back bad starts. Try and put a pine tree air freshener on that and it still stinks. Going into this year, I steered clear of Hanson. I was legitimately worried about his innings pitched jump from ’08 to ’09. So sell fast right now? Not so fast, Paulo. I’m going under the assumption that you don’t own him because you listened to me in the preseason. Hanson has a tremendous K-rate and his walks have been fine. Even yesterday it was an ill-timed homer to Votto that did him in. Do I think Hanson could still be a risk because of his innings last year? Yup, you betcha. But I’d buy him for 50 cents on the dollar. It depends how cheap you can swindle his dramatized owner. It takes alligator blood to check raise to the bed wetter. Anyway, here’s what else saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brooks Conrad – If you didn’t see the end of the Braves game, you should try to catch the Brooks Conrad homer. Unlike Nix.
Joey Votto – Hit his 10th homer, a grand slam, and now bats .311 on the year. Someone asked me yesterday if I thought Votto could keep up his current hitting. I got flummoxed. “You flummoxed me, you, ” says nerdy Robert De Niro. Votto and Longoria? Legit 1st round guys next year. No foolin’, gee.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Should return this weekend. I’m pessimistic about how well he’s going to be on his return, but I guess if he’s up to playing again it means he’s capable of stealing bases.
Adrian Beltre – Hit his 3rd homer last night. After hitting only 8 homers last year, people were saying his move to Boston would fix all of that. So far, they’re right. He’s now on pace for 12 homers. Drop the confetti.
Mike Cameron – About a week away from returning to the Sawx. He’s the type of player you add and drop about three dozen times throughout the season. If you can keep Mike Cameron on your team the whole year, you’re just trying to prove a point to me.
Derrek Lee – Hit his fifth homer yesterday. Was around this time last year when he went on a tear. Not saying it’s happening again, but, well, maybe I am. Okay, I am saying it’s happening again… Actually, I’m not saying that. But maybe. Sorry, was just having some hedge fun.
Jose Contreras – Notched his 2nd save, now has a 0.63 ERA. True fact, his ERA and his age are the same number.
Luke Hochevar - 9 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Indians offense. Offensive is more like it. You can’t even pronounce Hochevar’s name, keep it that way. Don’t get caught in the Hochevar trap. Next start, he will drop bombs on your head.
Alberto Callaspo – Hit his 7th homer yesterday. Has minimal speed and a decent average. If this were fantasy baseball charades, you’d point at Callaspo and say, “Ooh, I know! He’s Yunel Escobar!”
Carlos Villanueva – Threw a perfect inning as he recorded his first save. I wouldn’t drop Hoffman yet, but it could be a while before we see Hoffman again closing games.
Jonathan Lucroy – Gregg Zaun was injured in the game yesterday and there’s speculation the Brewers might call up Lucroy. Let’s see what Stephen said in the Brewers Minor League Review, “(Lucroy’s) plate discipline was impressive…. The GB, LD and FB rates correspond well to developing and continuing power trends towards high teen power potential… One thing to note, his OPS has decreased at promotion besides Rookie Ball to Class-A… And I once ate twelve hundred broccoli florets.” Oh-kay. Lucroy probably will be used as a backup since he’s still a bit raw. He probably won’t matter until next year at the earliest. George Kottaras will take over full-time duty. He’s not the dad from Webster.
Russell Branyan – 0-for-13 since his last homer. Sometimes a guy hit two homers in a game and he goes on a tear. Other times, a guy hits two homers in a game and that’s it. Branyan seems to fall in the latter camp. The latter, get off my team camp.
Trevor Crowe – No disrespect to the Trevor Crowe, Jason Donald, Hafner, Peralta, Branyan, LaPorta, Valbuena and Marson families, but these guys are egregious. Indians mascot, Chief Wahoo, is the crying Native American in that 70′s littering commercial.
Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with his third steal. He’s batting .300 on the year. I swear to you, his .300 average made me do a double take. How has he been so yawstipating and he’s hitting .300? Maybe it’s the 16 RBIs. Or the 4 homers. Or the 3 steals. Okay, guess I answered my own question.
Brian Matusz – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER as he roofied his owners.
Luke Scott – 3-for-4 with an RBI. Now batting, like, .700 in the last week. It’s not going to last forever. Get in now.
Brett Anderson – Hoping to start his rehab stint on Monday. He better do some heavy drinking this weekend…. Lose it on ‘ludes is what I say! Eat the worm!!! Oh, that rehab.
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his first homer of the year. Here I thought the ‘Brist had the mohel cut off all of his power. It’s still early enough that if Zobrist goes on a five homer tear over the next week or so, he’d be right about where you’d want him at this point. That’s assuming he goes on that tear.
James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yanks and now has a 3.08 ERA on the year. I’m sorry the rest of you had to get involved in this; he’s just doing this to get even with me.
Juan Miranda – Hit his 2nd homer in the last three games. He’s got power, maybe he’s channeling The Spirit of Kevin Maas.
Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with 3 RBIs as he had his biggest game of the season. I wish I were being sarcastic.
Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks. The good news is he gets the Indians in his next start and about every third start after that because of the unbalanced schedule.
Jason Vargas – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. This is the kind of performance that elicits comments like this, “You can’t deny Vargas, Grey. He’s figured it out! Bask in his Vargasness, or do you fear the Vargas. Is that problem? Thank you, I’ll await your answer.” Yes, the glass is half-filled with Vargas. Here’s the deal, there’s a lot of pitchers that could be absolutely fine, but that doesn’t mean I’m owning them. There’s too many pitchers out there for me to sic Chompers on Vargas if I’m not feeling him. Could Vargas be okay? Eh, sure. He’s also been lucky — dancing between raindrops, pitches for a team with one of the worst offenses and he’s in the AL. It’s passable for me.
Erik Bedard – Word out of the Pacific Northwest is Bedard won’t be back until at least late June. Wait, there’s a phone call for me. Hey, June, what’s up? Bedard is due for a setback and won’t return until late July? Thanks, June!
Brandon Webb – Changing his arm slot after a visit from Dr. Freeze. I really hope he returns pitching like Brad Ziegler.
Aaron Heilman – Here’s the thing, and, yes, there is a thing. If you want to instill confidence in a new closer, you don’t remove the guy with two outs in the ninth inning with Juan Uribe coming up to bat. Should’ve let Heilman finish the game. Either hoo, Qualls got the save, but that doesn’t mean Heilman won’t get the save at some point this weekend.
Ricky Romero – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Now here’s a pitcher I can get behind. He has 64 Ks in 63 innings. ‘Nuff said. Okay, I’ll give you some more. His WHIP is 1.13. BAA is .206. Halladay who? Okay, maybe not yet, but Romero’s emerging. A’la George Costanza, “EMERGING!”
Jose Bautista – Hit his 12th homer yesterday. Of course he did! Why wouldn’t he? There was a game, wasn’t there? He’ll be in the Buy/Sell this afternoon, or as I like to call it, “In three hours so I better start writing.”
Kevin Gregg – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save. Was inevitable, wasn’t it? Gregg is the type of closer to blow three games in a row and lose the job by next Friday. This could be the beginning of the end. I grabbed Frasor wherever I could, just to be safe.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks, 4 Ks vs. the Astros. Not fair. Now has an ERA of 0.99 on the year. He left the game with a hammy issue, but it’s not supposed to be a problem going forward. Ubaldo eats hammys for breakfast.
Jeremy Bonderman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. I wouldn’t own him in an AL-Only league.
Manny Ramirez – Missed two straight games because he accidentally kicked a table and banged his toe. Here’s what I think happened. Casey Blake, pulling a goof on Manny, painted a table to look like a soccer ball and Manny kicked it.
Kyle Blanks - To the Disgraceful List with something-or-other. He’ll miss at least two weeks. On the bright side, David Eckstein no longer has to ride to Petco in the trunk.
John Maine – Was pulled from the game after one batter because he wasn’t breaking 85 MPH on the radar gun. I see, the Mets have given up on the pennant race and are now trying to win a jumbo SpongeBob SquarePants at a carnival.