The Brewers signed Aramis Ramirez to a deal worth between $34-37 million. Wouldn’t you love to make so much money that there’s a gap of three million between what you might make? “Hey, Aramis, you got a second?” “I was just rolling up hundred dollar bills to make kindling.” “Just wanted to see if you’ll take a deal for somewhere between $34-37 million.” “There’s a three million dollar gap there. That gap is more money than some people make in their lives. Yeah, I guess I’ll take it. If I make $37 million, I’ll be able to light more fires.” I make between three and four dollars daily from Razzball. I have a one dollar gap! I want a three million dollar gap! Inner monologue, “Breath, Grey, breath.” Okay, sorry, my chakras need alignment. So Aramis goes to the land of cheap beer and Laverne & Shirley on the heels of the Brewers about to lose their two best hitters — Prince Fielder and Craig Counsell. Sorry, their two best non-cheating hitters. Eh, the Cubs last year looked like they couldn’t hit soup if they fell out of a boat that was floating on top of a giant vat of soup, and Aramis hit just as well as he usually does. At 34, he’s not going to be less injury-prone and there’s no way he’s ever hitting 30 homers again. He is, however, a professional hitter when healthy. (Don’t you love when I interrupt sentences with “however?” Makes me sound so smart! Even when “however” is interrupting a trite claim like someone’s a professional hitter.) I’d give Aramis a line of 75/25/95/.295. Anyway, here’s some other offseason moves for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Casey McGehee – Traded to the Pirates or as I like to call it, “Make room for Mat Gamel!” The camera pans to Gamel for his reaction and he’s fumbling his drink. What a klutz. McGehee was always utility man-ish before his breakout in 2010, then he went right back to crizzap in 2011. I’m not buying into McGehee in 2012 in Pittsburgh either. Maybe he can go to the plate while the remix plays, “Blech and Yellow.”
Mat Gamel – No one likes Mat Gamel. The Brewers wanted to try Gamel in Spring Training last year and he was 30 pounds overweight. Lay off the mayonnaise, doode. His Triple-A manager said he’s “hard-headed.” (No one ever said that of Justin Morneau.) I get this feeling with a beat provided by will.i.am that Gamel is gonna go the way of Matt Murton. I hope he doesn’t. I hope he gets a real shot at 1st base in Spring Training. I think now that McGehee is gone he will. Even if all Gamel does is hit homers and make errors. In 2007, Milwaukeeans called that The Braun Exacta. I propose the Brewers correct Gamel’s defensive problems similar to how the Rockies went to the humidor. They should put The Vacuum in Miller Park. Whenever the visiting team is hitting, you turn The Vacuum to suck and watch as everything is hit to the left side. The Vacuum sucks so Gamel doesn’t blow. He had another great year at Triple-A — 28 homers, .310. He looks like he’s more than ready with the bat. Definitely will be someone I’ll look at late in drafts for my corner infidel spot. Could get a cheap 25 homers and a .290 average.
Trevor Cahill – Heads to the Diamondbacks. Even if his new ballpark is slightly more favorable for hitters, he’s got a solid sinker and he’s going to be facing the Giants, Padres and Dodgers, the Moe, Larry and Curly of lineups. I didn’t like Cahill at all the last two years, but I’m willing to reevaluate. I’m not stubborn. *through clenched teeth* Fine, he looks draftable now! Are you happy? I’ll give him a line of 12-10/3.60/1.35/160. It’s not exactly Lincecum numbers, but a solid fantasy number three.
Jarrod Parker – Went to the A’s. Our prospect writer, Scott, recently said, “After missing 2010 to Tommy John surgery, Parker threw 131 innings with Mobile in 2011, plus one start with the big club. With a plus slider and a plus change to compliment a fastball that touches 100, I’m surprised that Parker’s 2011 K% (20.4%) wasn’t more impressive. Solid mechanics and ace-type stuff should help Parker get back on track and earn a starting role in 2012. Or at least that’s what Joy Behar told me when she came to me in a dream.” Hmm… Didn’t remember reading that last part before. I agree with Scott about the K-rate and his arrival. Both things also have me perplexed. His K-rate is okay, but not great, yet everyone’s saying he’s going to be a number one and be in the A’s rotation this spring. When everyone says something with such conviction about a prospect, but I’m not seeing it in the stats, the first thing I think is it’s all about the scouting reports. With Parker, this holds true. But I thought Billy Beane didn’t listen to scouts? You lied to me Hollywood! People who have watched Parker pitch extensively think he’s back even if the numbers don’t tell the same story. The biggest concern right now for him is his health. He’s even cut back on using his slider that was once a nasty pitch. Nasty as in good, not nasty as in bad. The positive news, and reason why I’ll be drafting him very late, Tommy John recipients usually take about a year and a half to get back to full strength, which is where Parker will be in 2012. In that huge park in Oakland, I could see a line of 10-8/3.80/1.28/140 in 160 innings. Unless the actor playing Scott Hatteberg and Royce Clayton sign on to coach Parker, then he can win the Cy Young, cure world famine and get Lindsay Lohan’s career back on track. If Parker starts the year in the minors, then I’ll just look at him in keepers.
Tony Gwynn Jr. – Dodgers signed him to a two million dollar deal. Dodgers are answering their offseason question marks emphatically with ellipses.