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Oh there’s a shindig goin down in Miami ya’ll! Part of me feels like I should hop on the next flight down there bringing only my man-kini, penis pump,  rabbit-fur coat, white Stacy Adams, one pair of snakeskin pants, and 3 Armani Exchange bro-tops. My manhood has been requested back in Miami now for some time and with my favorite player, LeBron “The High King” James, leading his Miami Heat to back-to-back Championships, I can’t think of an acceptable reason to say no. Especially when I think about the time Pat Riley and I, Chinese finger trapped Chris Bosh’s wife. A$$ for days playas! By the way, Bosh scored 0 points in game 7.

If you didn’t know, I write for the basketball section here at razzball as well and am well known for helping lead countless readers to titles this past year. My obsession with the men of the NBA is only paralleled by the jersey chasing rats who hang around hotels and clubs just hoping for a chance at fellatio. Something you do know, is that I write weekly posts for the baseball section and my specialty is all head to head scoring, and that includes points leagues. Work with me and I promise to help you get not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7, but countless fantasy baseball titles. I’m kidding obviously, as it’s almost impossible to win every single year but I, Tehol Beddict, promise to give you my all, my whole heart and soul, in answering your questions or concerns.

LeBron James is a King, and more than likely headed for God-hood as him ascending is a virtual certainty. Now, if their was one man on the baseball diamond who possessed the same gifts of power, speed, grace, and testicular fortitude that James has, it would be Mike Trout, the one they call the fish. Trout had another ho-hum 4-4 day with a stolen base and a run scored, and I believe he’s just getting started. Before the year began I would have taken Mike Trout number one overall no question, and though Cabrera has been better thus far, I expect Trout to surpass him in value once you factor in the steals. Trout will end up batting at least 330 this season with at least 30 jacks and 40 steals. Mark it down. His fearlessness on the base paths and in the outfield is matched by no other and I truly believe in my huge heart that Trout will be one of the best to ever play this game. When you are as old as Paulie Allnuts, sitting around at your mental institution or retirement home, you will be reminiscing about these 2 great men. Ebony and Ivory.

 

Tommy Hanson While pondering the idea of streaming Hanson Thursday morning, I thought it might be best to clear the baby batter from the brain. After one pornhub session, followed by two redtube sessions I wisely decided against it. May the elder Gods bless you, Shyla Stylez! How does one put up negative 8 points at home against the flaccid hitting Seattle Mariners? You’ll stay away from Tommy boy if you knew what was good for ya. Holy schnikes, Hanson blows beaver nuts.

Peter Bourjos- Whoa kimosabe, PBJ is hotter than wasabi. Coming off the hammy injury I was deeply concerned that PBJ wouldn’t be a threat to steal. Well, he’s proven me wrong which is extremely difficult to do as he has 23 points on the week thus far with a couple steals. Add immediately if you have a certified loser taking up space on your roster. Don’t forget to of course let me know who it is you’re dropping in the comment section so that you may have the official Beddict stamp of approval. It’s kind of like a tramp stamp, only you’re not a complete skank. Or are you? If  your wife has a tramp stamp and lived in the San Diego area I more than likely hit that.

Jurickson Profar- Wow, another 3.5 points this week. Outstanding! So let me get this straight: Profar hasn’t stolen a single base(caught stealing twice), has 2 homers which seem like they were blasted an eon ago, and isn’t scoring runs or hitting for a high average? On the bright side, he’s great at bunting runners over to 2nd base. Feel free to drop kick off your squad unless you believe deep down he’s going to explode with the same kind of passion and ferocity the Governator displayed while drilling his maid all those years ago. I would say “Get to the choppa,” but that’s been played out. That’s right, Beddict ended it right here. Once I witnessed the horrible actor in Magic Mike saying those words, the quote lost every last ounce of coolness it still possessed. Magic Mike  was terrible by the way. My stripper days were much more hardcore, and my thongs were edible.

Justin Verlander- I’ve been literally screaming at anyone who will listen to me that Verlander is off this year. I said it after his first two starts and it’s only gotten worse. Putting up -3.5 points in standard points league formats is simply unacceptable for a man who was drafted in the 1st or 2nd round. Right now Verlander is easier to tag than a coked out Lindsay Lohan at 3am at the Chateau Marmont. Did you click on that link? First off, that song is banging. Second, I’d definitely still tap that. On another note, Verlander ended things with Kate Upton and I don’t know how I feel about it. On one hand, you have to give him respect for dumping the hottest piece of ace in the world and it makes me think that something must be wrong with her and my fantasies about what she’s like in the sack are all false. On the other hand I’m thinkin he’s probably gay, which is cool with me, as it just brings me one step closer to having her ride me on my bean bag chair.

Wil Myers- So far Myers has produced 1 hit for each day he’s been on the roster with one of those being a 2-rbi double. Most definitely the Puig type beginning I was praying for. I even sacrificed 4 goats and a ferret to the elder Gods to ensure Myers’ instant success. The deaths of those beasts have proven to be undeniably worthless thus far, but at least I was able to fashion a beautiful ferret skin man-thong. Have faith my dear friends, as my sacrifices surely will not be for naught. The elder Gods have never let me down before, nor will they ever as I am one of their most beloved humans.

Gerrit Cole- 3 strikeouts total in 2 games? The chances of Cole getting lit up today are probably on par with George Michael stopping at a highway rest stop sometime in the next week. Pretty much a certainty.

Zack Wheeler - The legend of Zack Wheeler is kind of like The Legend of Bagger Vance, with the main difference being that his debut wasn’t a dud. The kid is a star and misses bats, very much unlike Gerrit Cole. Too bad he plays for the Mets.

Jose Valverde- I’m not gonna sit her and bash Papa Grande, for I love the man like the adopted latin brother I always wanted, but he’s just not getting the job done right now. Hopefully you’ve already grabbed Benoit if he was available. I’m perplexed as to why Detroit isn’t calling up Rondon from Triple A to close immediately and keep Benoit in the 8th. Phil Coke is a disgrace to humanity and doesn’t belong there so unless they trade for a veteran closer ASAP, I don’t see why Rondon isn’t the man now dog. Keep a close eye on this situation, people.

Chris Davis- This fabulous man never ceases to amaze me. Right when I believe Davis is falling into a funk that will drop him below a 300 average, he erupts like 50 cent did on Ja Rule. I know I mentioned this beef a week or 2 ago but I don’t care: It’s like the highlight of my life. CD is on pace to obliterate all of his career highs and more than likely finish second in the MVP race, which is somewhere no one on earth other than his family and I thought he would be someday.  With 21.5 points put up on the week already, Davis should continue to make the “Wankstas” who doubted him, cry themselves to sleep on a nightly basis.

Domonic Brown- 1 point on the week? Domonic you’re scaring me. Don’t make me revoke your title of “Sir Domonic” and give it to Chris Davis because I will if you keep forcing my hand. Let that be of motivation to you.

Heath Bell- Whoever that reader was who acted like I was a moron for stating the obvious fact that Heath Bell is an absolute bum and tried to throw pitching velocity analysis at me needs to comment on this post and personally apologize to me. I’m sure it was Sky under a fake name. I’d like to believe so anyway. I know it couldn’t have been my boy Paulie Allnuts cuz that guy is pushing 80 years old for God’s sakes. It probably takes him an hour to log on let alone go through the trouble of changing his name and login to leave a comment. I suppose this is all off topic. The point of this particular bullet point is that Heath Bell is more washed up than Manu Ginobili AKA “The Bald Eagle.”

My goodness, it’s late! Looks like I rambled a bit too long again. Let the hate mail pour in. It only feeds my criminally hot desires of becoming the greatest model/fantasy-sports-blogger of all time. As per usual your questions and comments will be responded to almost instantly and you can get extra personal with me on Twitter by following me at TeholBeddict47. I’ll be in Miami blowing yak and nailing wives, but that won’t stop me from responding. Have a wondrous weekend.

  1. Mike says:
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    I traded Verly for Trout a month ago. Was over the moon about it. My leaguemates were not. Dude was desperate for pitching. Best part is I still have Strasburg, Lee and Harvey. Boom.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Mike: BOOM SHOCKALOCKA!!!!

      • Mike says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: You’re god damn right!

        Also, I’m getting reeeeaal sick of M. Reynolds shite. Add Bourjos?

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Mike: if u dont need the power. Sure. His appetite for striking out is appalling

  2. mindicohn says:
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    i traded Trout for Dread Pirate / Addision Reed 2months ago and sure enough i plummeted to 8th….Now i’m considering trading Jose Fernandez (we use QS instead of W) for Austin Jackson…thoughts?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @mindicohn: for the love of the Gods never trade Mike Trout! Its ok though u received decent return. Whats ur rotation looking like? Doesnt sound like bad trade

      • mindicohn says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: i regret trading Trout for sure…my rotation isnt that good either but its Cain, Latos,Colon,vargas,wheeler,teheran,fernandez and then peavy/price on DL…have Papelbon, Reed and Jim Henderson as Closer. thx

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @mindicohn: not bad nkt bad. If u need runs and hitting pull trigger otherwise u can hd fernandez as hes getting better

  3. nathan says:
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    i just dropped parra for bourjos, needed some SB’s…. good move?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @nathan: in a word: fuck yes

  4. Ron says:
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    Just picked up Bourjos for his steal potential but I may be on the verge of losing an OF through trade.

    Give: Holliday, M. Carpenter and Henderson (closer)
    Get: Cano and Rollins

    My SS: Alcides
    My OF: Bautista, Bruce, Cespedes, Harper, Fowler, Bourjos

    Is this trade worth it for me? Does having Bourjos matter to whether I should take it or not?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Ron: that trade is highway robbery! Take cano amd run boy run cuz u all good

  5. Roman says:
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    I dropped Rutledge for Bourjous!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Roman: you’re the man now dog!

      • Gbac16 says:
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        @Tehol Beddict:
        Is that a Finding Forrester reference?

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Gbac16: it sure is buddy. It sure is

    • Terse

      Terse says:
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      @Roman: Sexy

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Terse: hella sexy

  6. Kc says:
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    Drop Blanks or Cobb for Bourjos?

    • Terse

      Terse says:
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      @Kc: I say Cobb, apparently he’s “still having trouble with his balance”

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Kc: either one bro. Cobbs gonna be done foe a while so depending on how many dl spots u have, u can let him go mayne. Blanks doesnt get me that excited either

  7. Vibrating jockstraps says:
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    Have cargo, Adam jones, marte, choo and Lind filling my 3 OF andd utility spots. I also have a pitching staff of sherzer, Zimmerman, minor, samardjia, wheeler, cole, porcello, kluber, and Cobb. Want to make a run at trout. Thoughts on a offer using the above players. Was wondering if choo, marte, and wheeler is too much? Any ideas? I don’t want to trade jones, cargo, or max.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Vibrating jockstraps: I like where ur head is at. Might be hard to replace that in roto scoring but if I was u id do it as Im obsessed with the fish

      • Vibrating jockstraps says:
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        Thank it’s actually h2h so I may send the offer

          • giac says:
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            As another option if this trade doesnt work out, whats your thoughts on cargo for trout straight up? Grey has cargo on his SELL list but it difficult for me to convince myself to deal him at the rate he’s going, even for trout (who he has beat on rbis, runs, hrs, tbs, and nearly equal on steals). I know his injury risk would be the reason for this trade. Thanks again for the input.

            • Tehol Beddict

              Tehol Beddict says:
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              @giac: uh yea id take trout in a heartbeat. . get that done if you can mayne

  8. noseeum says:
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    Intrigued by Bourjos, but I’m not sure he’s 12 team MLB CBS points league worth. We start only 3 OF and the point system is very power/OBP heavy. (2 points for a steal, 6 points combined for a homer).

    I do have some duds on my roster: Corey Hart, Ozuna, Kelly Johnson, and Mike Carp.

    You think Boujros can play in this setup, and if so, who amy I dropping? Thanks!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @noseeum: um yes I do I just added him in the same league format you’re speakin on. Mayne we are in same league bro haha.but uhhhh yea id drop every single one of those guys for bourjos. Maybe hold ozuna

      • noseeum says:
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        @Tehol Beddict:

        Thanks for the push. Done.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @noseeum: you did the right thing big dog

  9. nathan says:
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    i would also like to make a run at TRout.. if you owned him and i gave you sandoval, will myers & yoenis would you give up trout? if that wouldn’t do it, then what if i also added james shields?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @nathan: the first trade option is possible. I tried hard to get him and was denied so it depends who ur dealing. Its a lot to give up but I wont be mad if u do it.maybe try shields I stead of myers or sandoval amd keep one of those guys or another piece

  10. Joel says:
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    Yeah, I’ll prolly drop G. Jones for PBJ. ya?

    Here’s my lazy roster link for ya:

    http://games.espn.go.com/flb/clubhouse?leagueId=142770&teamId=14&seasonId=2013

    Would you consider offering one of my SP in a 1 for 1 for C. Davis, to a guys who is struggling for SP? Do I even need to bother? I’m Currently running 3rd in the league. Here’s his team:

    http://games.espn.go.com/flb/clubhouse?leagueId=142770&teamId=10

    You are the man to make deals work. What say you?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Joel: could be risky but id trade c c for davis and be joyous about it. that could gwt u the title

  11. Dkohn says:
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    Drop Hosmer for Borjous?

    Hosmer has come alive a little bit, but still refuses to hit home runs.

    I do need an OF though and have too many 1B…

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Dkohn: thats a tough call. I hate hosmer with a passion but I know the feeling of feeling bad about dropping him. Any other bums u could drop I stead

      • Dkohn says:
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        @Tehol Beddict:
        Hector Santiago but want to drop him for Erasmo stash.

        Then only other choice is Cashner

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Dkohn: hold then I guess

  12. Charlie says:
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    Drop LaRoche for PBJ?

    • Charlie says:
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      @Charlie:

      Forgot to mention I have Rosario as a possible drop. Posey is my catcher.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Charlie: yep rosario then. Nice work

  13. SetPhaserstoDL says:
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    Good read as always. Thoughts on Wheeler going forward? Were all those walks because he was nervous or because he has really bad control?

    P.S. Do those drugs in moderation Tehol.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @SetPhaserstoDL: im with bosh s wife and rileys wife right now and its snowing. I think wheeler will be good but going forward but most young hogs struggle a bit with control. See what u could trade for him

  14. TruthBomber says:
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    I’m in a 9 team Keeper (auction draft). It’s 5×5 roto, but OBP instead of AVG, and W minus L instead of W. We have 5 OFs, and a CI and MI.

    I’m near the top of the standings, but I’m low on OBP and RBI’s on the hitting side, and K’s and W-L on the pitching side.

    I recently traded away M. Holliday, J. Upton, S. Marte, and C. Sale
    and I received Trout, Trumbo, and Verlander.

    I’m clearly playing for this year, as Trout and Verlander are too expensive to keep for next season. Worried about Verlander for the ROS… thoughts on this trade?

    Also- since I gave up Marte, I’m looking to get SBs. Revere and Bourjos are available. Revere is the better pickup, right? Higher potential for steals, and better lineup position….

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @TruthBomber: trade looks great to me but yea not sure whats up with Verlander this year, but I still like ur trade. Revere us better fir straugjt steals yea but maybe worse in every other category

  15. Frank White says:
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    What’s up Tehol!!! I have one more add on player left for the week and I need help on a decision where I gotta stream an extra pitcher. Either SAT or Sunday, don’t matter. The first pitcher I mention outta the 2 is the guy I’m aiming for. Who would you pickup?? Joe Blanton in LA vs C Morton PIT,, C Carrasco in CLE vs. M Pelfrey MIN,, Dan Haren in WAS vs. J Chacin COL

    • Frank White says:
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      They all have way higher %’s over the other pitcher they’re playing

    • Frank White says:
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      Oh I forgot to add Gee but Gee is pretty even against Pettibone at Philly tomorrow.. Grey likes Gee and I value his opinion it’s just Blanton has so much of higher odds against his pitcher on Sunday.. What do you think?

      • Tehol Beddict

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Frank White: gee looks real good as of late though. add him instead of haren

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Frank White: Whaaaaaaats up playboy. haren and chacin

  16. Enea says:
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    Drop Ozuna for Bourjos?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Enea: for sho for sho

  17. Ron says:
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    Thanks for the advice on this trade. The guy has cold feet about Rollins and offered Didi Gregorious instead.

    Give: Holliday, M. Carpenter and Henderson (closer)
    Get: Cano and Didi

    Still take it????

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Ron: Still take it big dog. Gotta do it.

  18. Pope says:
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    Your shit’s the shit, mang. Keep it up, thanks

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Pope: Thank you Pope. im glad you think so. I certainly enjoy re-reading it over and over and over and over again haha. thanks for stopping by

  19. The Red Cyclones says:
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    Cole managed to get me 27.75 points, but the fact that he’s burning out in the 6th looks worrying. Do you have the same feeling?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Red Cyclones: oh my god I was shocked he did that well. I started him on accident and was relieved but yes it seems like he’s cruising every start then things start going bad. the 5 k’s gave me some more confidence and I feel like hes gonna get blasted one of these starts but I’m gonna ride him till the wheels fall off as I don’t have too many other options. All and all he looks great but I’d love to see an 8 inning gem or a double digit K performance

  20. Thomas Mancini says:
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    Drop WIllingham for Bourjos? 6×6 Roto (OPS and QS)

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Thomas Mancini: if you have power elsewhere throughout the lineup it’s a possibility but that would make me nervous since little willy will probably go on a tear at some point

  21. The Louisville Slugger says:
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    First off, thank you guys for Razzball. Love the blogs, humor, and feedback received here. Second, I have a quick trade question. Long time Keeper League. Which side is best in your opinion and why? Team A: McCutchen, Nava, Tillman or Team B: Bruce, Profar, Sabathia

    • Terse

      Terse says:
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      @The Louisville Slugger: thanks, Louisville! Have you ever been to the museum? My go-to whiskey glass is from there and it’s grand.

      Because it’s a keeper, it’s team B. Tillman’s value is in his fickle wins right now, and Profar is Profar. Bruce can and will mash for years. Nava is 30. Cutch is alluring, sure, but more depth in team B.

      • The Louisville Slugger says:
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        @Terse: Thanks for the response Terse. Glad you enjoy that glorious whiskey glass haha. Yes, I am actually from Louisville. I suppose I’m one of those guys hoping that Profar can live up to the hype and being a Reds fan makes passing on Bruce tough. Although favoritism can sometimes backfire haha.

        My last question on this post, I could also get Buster P and J.Weaver for the Team A side. Weaver just isn’t looking very good right now. Stick to accepting my original offer on the B side?

        • Terse

          Terse says:
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          @The Louisville Slugger: It’s tight, but still team B. I agree, there’s something wrong with Weaver and I don’t think it’s fleeting.

          • The Louisville Slugger says:
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            @Terse: right on T

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Louisville Slugger: thanks slugga. i think Terse got lost. he must be drunk again. He is correct thoug, Team B is much better than team A though the pirate is sexy symbol and a star, the other two are not appealing at all.

      • The Louisville Slugger says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Thanks TB. You guys keep up the great work! Love some Razzball.

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