Oh there’s a shindig goin down in Miami ya’ll! Part of me feels like I should hop on the next flight down there bringing only my man-kini, penis pump, rabbit-fur coat, white Stacy Adams, one pair of snakeskin pants, and 3 Armani Exchange bro-tops. My manhood has been requested back in Miami now for some time and with my favorite player, LeBron “The High King” James, leading his Miami Heat to back-to-back Championships, I can’t think of an acceptable reason to say no. Especially when I think about the time Pat Riley and I, Chinese finger trapped Chris Bosh’s wife. A$$ for days playas! By the way, Bosh scored 0 points in game 7.
If you didn’t know, I write for the basketball section here at razzball as well and am well known for helping lead countless readers to titles this past year. My obsession with the men of the NBA is only paralleled by the jersey chasing rats who hang around hotels and clubs just hoping for a chance at fellatio. Something you do know, is that I write weekly posts for the baseball section and my specialty is all head to head scoring, and that includes points leagues. Work with me and I promise to help you get not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7, but countless fantasy baseball titles. I’m kidding obviously, as it’s almost impossible to win every single year but I, Tehol Beddict, promise to give you my all, my whole heart and soul, in answering your questions or concerns.
LeBron James is a King, and more than likely headed for God-hood as him ascending is a virtual certainty. Now, if their was one man on the baseball diamond who possessed the same gifts of power, speed, grace, and testicular fortitude that James has, it would be Mike Trout, the one they call the fish. Trout had another ho-hum 4-4 day with a stolen base and a run scored, and I believe he’s just getting started. Before the year began I would have taken Mike Trout number one overall no question, and though Cabrera has been better thus far, I expect Trout to surpass him in value once you factor in the steals. Trout will end up batting at least 330 this season with at least 30 jacks and 40 steals. Mark it down. His fearlessness on the base paths and in the outfield is matched by no other and I truly believe in my huge heart that Trout will be one of the best to ever play this game. When you are as old as Paulie Allnuts, sitting around at your mental institution or retirement home, you will be reminiscing about these 2 great men. Ebony and Ivory.
Tommy Hanson While pondering the idea of streaming Hanson Thursday morning, I thought it might be best to clear the baby batter from the brain. After one pornhub session, followed by two redtube sessions I wisely decided against it. May the elder Gods bless you, Shyla Stylez! How does one put up negative 8 points at home against the flaccid hitting Seattle Mariners? You’ll stay away from Tommy boy if you knew what was good for ya. Holy schnikes, Hanson blows beaver nuts.
Peter Bourjos- Whoa kimosabe, PBJ is hotter than wasabi. Coming off the hammy injury I was deeply concerned that PBJ wouldn’t be a threat to steal. Well, he’s proven me wrong which is extremely difficult to do as he has 23 points on the week thus far with a couple steals. Add immediately if you have a certified loser taking up space on your roster. Don’t forget to of course let me know who it is you’re dropping in the comment section so that you may have the official Beddict stamp of approval. It’s kind of like a tramp stamp, only you’re not a complete skank. Or are you? If your wife has a tramp stamp and lived in the San Diego area I more than likely hit that.
Jurickson Profar- Wow, another 3.5 points this week. Outstanding! So let me get this straight: Profar hasn’t stolen a single base(caught stealing twice), has 2 homers which seem like they were blasted an eon ago, and isn’t scoring runs or hitting for a high average? On the bright side, he’s great at bunting runners over to 2nd base. Feel free to drop kick off your squad unless you believe deep down he’s going to explode with the same kind of passion and ferocity the Governator displayed while drilling his maid all those years ago. I would say “Get to the choppa,” but that’s been played out. That’s right, Beddict ended it right here. Once I witnessed the horrible actor in Magic Mike saying those words, the quote lost every last ounce of coolness it still possessed. Magic Mike was terrible by the way. My stripper days were much more hardcore, and my thongs were edible.
Justin Verlander- I’ve been literally screaming at anyone who will listen to me that Verlander is off this year. I said it after his first two starts and it’s only gotten worse. Putting up -3.5 points in standard points league formats is simply unacceptable for a man who was drafted in the 1st or 2nd round. Right now Verlander is easier to tag than a coked out Lindsay Lohan at 3am at the Chateau Marmont. Did you click on that link? First off, that song is banging. Second, I’d definitely still tap that. On another note, Verlander ended things with Kate Upton and I don’t know how I feel about it. On one hand, you have to give him respect for dumping the hottest piece of ace in the world and it makes me think that something must be wrong with her and my fantasies about what she’s like in the sack are all false. On the other hand I’m thinkin he’s probably gay, which is cool with me, as it just brings me one step closer to having her ride me on my bean bag chair.
Wil Myers- So far Myers has produced 1 hit for each day he’s been on the roster with one of those being a 2-rbi double. Most definitely the Puig type beginning I was praying for. I even sacrificed 4 goats and a ferret to the elder Gods to ensure Myers’ instant success. The deaths of those beasts have proven to be undeniably worthless thus far, but at least I was able to fashion a beautiful ferret skin man-thong. Have faith my dear friends, as my sacrifices surely will not be for naught. The elder Gods have never let me down before, nor will they ever as I am one of their most beloved humans.
Gerrit Cole- 3 strikeouts total in 2 games? The chances of Cole getting lit up today are probably on par with George Michael stopping at a highway rest stop sometime in the next week. Pretty much a certainty.
Zack Wheeler - The legend of Zack Wheeler is kind of like The Legend of Bagger Vance, with the main difference being that his debut wasn’t a dud. The kid is a star and misses bats, very much unlike Gerrit Cole. Too bad he plays for the Mets.
Jose Valverde- I’m not gonna sit her and bash Papa Grande, for I love the man like the adopted latin brother I always wanted, but he’s just not getting the job done right now. Hopefully you’ve already grabbed Benoit if he was available. I’m perplexed as to why Detroit isn’t calling up Rondon from Triple A to close immediately and keep Benoit in the 8th. Phil Coke is a disgrace to humanity and doesn’t belong there so unless they trade for a veteran closer ASAP, I don’t see why Rondon isn’t the man now dog. Keep a close eye on this situation, people.
Chris Davis- This fabulous man never ceases to amaze me. Right when I believe Davis is falling into a funk that will drop him below a 300 average, he erupts like 50 cent did on Ja Rule. I know I mentioned this beef a week or 2 ago but I don’t care: It’s like the highlight of my life. CD is on pace to obliterate all of his career highs and more than likely finish second in the MVP race, which is somewhere no one on earth other than his family and I thought he would be someday. With 21.5 points put up on the week already, Davis should continue to make the “Wankstas” who doubted him, cry themselves to sleep on a nightly basis.
Domonic Brown- 1 point on the week? Domonic you’re scaring me. Don’t make me revoke your title of “Sir Domonic” and give it to Chris Davis because I will if you keep forcing my hand. Let that be of motivation to you.
Heath Bell- Whoever that reader was who acted like I was a moron for stating the obvious fact that Heath Bell is an absolute bum and tried to throw pitching velocity analysis at me needs to comment on this post and personally apologize to me. I’m sure it was Sky under a fake name. I’d like to believe so anyway. I know it couldn’t have been my boy Paulie Allnuts cuz that guy is pushing 80 years old for God’s sakes. It probably takes him an hour to log on let alone go through the trouble of changing his name and login to leave a comment. I suppose this is all off topic. The point of this particular bullet point is that Heath Bell is more washed up than Manu Ginobili AKA “The Bald Eagle.”
My goodness, it’s late! Looks like I rambled a bit too long again. Let the hate mail pour in. It only feeds my criminally hot desires of becoming the greatest model/fantasy-sports-blogger of all time. As per usual your questions and comments will be responded to almost instantly and you can get extra personal with me on Twitter by following me at TeholBeddict47. I’ll be in Miami blowing yak and nailing wives, but that won’t stop me from responding. Have a wondrous weekend.