The Marlins parted ways with Ricky Nolasco on Saturday. He was the longest-tenured Marlin. That’s about the same length as a Gary Busey train of thought. Nolasco was also their highest paid player, which on the Marlins is like being the highest paid paperboy. Jeffrey Loria was sad to see Nolasco go, because as the highest paid player he also had in his contract that he had to dust Loria’s artwork. Loria said, “Adeiny Hechavarria is nimble on the field, but how is he with a 700-foot, post-modern statue of unicorn vomit?” Nolasco was more than usable in Miami, with his only big drawback being his inability to win on a club that put swindling nearby residents before winning. On the Dodgers, Nolasco no longer has that issue. He’s a solid #4 fantasy starter with a 7+ K-rate, 2 walk rate and 3.70 xFIP. I’d pick him up in all mixed leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Matt Kemp – So….How was your weekend? My weekend was solid. I went to an Asian Night Market that had about 30,000 people in an area for 15,000. There were moments when my feet weren’t on the ground, but I was still standing. Stinky Tofu is like skunked Miller Lite — smells bad; tastes great! I was standing in one line for milk tea boba for 20 minutes when an 80-year-old Asian woman overheard me and said I sounded like Melissa McCarthy’s brother in The Heat. “You knock?! You knock?!” She said it was nice to finally have Hollywood make fun of me. We laughed, me and her husband compared mustaches; his long and wispy, mine more Sellecky. This was on Saturday. It came after a lousy Friday night when Kemp was re-injured. Mea culpa on telling people to buy him only to have him get injured again. As always, my buy was contingent on him staying healthy, so I’d back off buying him, even though he says he’ll be back on Monday. It’s not a good sign at all that he was injured on a swing.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 5th steal. He said after the game, “I should be allowed to make the All-Star Game if Papelbon is allowed to dance.”
Chad Gaudin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Gaudamn! I like Gaudin in the right match-ups and he goes to Petco next. Don’t mind if I do!
Lance Berkman – The Big Puma hit the DL with hip inflammation. Or as Telemundo announced, El Grande Puma’s es bebe-constructo hips de fumar.
Ryan Braun – Ready to return from the DL. Here’s what Ron Roenicke said, “He’s got to get his legs under him. If we can get him maybe back before the All-Star break and let him play in some games, and then use the break as kind of how you would recuperate in spring training, that would be ideal.” Unless we’re talking about Mr. Grapefruit, Billy Butler, I don’t want any players treating July games like spring training, but if you have Braun, this is the best news you’ve had in a while, so I don’t want to rain on your parade, Bobby Darin. I’d also be looking to piggyback this good news and looking to sell Braun, if I could get anything substantial.
Eric Young – 2-for-5 with his third steal this weekend. Do I dare recommend him again? I dare, I dare. Do you care to pick him up again? You care, you care. Do you have someone to change your baby’s diaper? Au pair, au pair.
Josh Satin – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, 1 steal, 1 Ike Davis on the bench. If the Mets are going to deploy a left/righty platoon, I’d deploy a parachute in shallower leagues unless you can carry someone to replace Davis or Satin when they sit.
Jeremy Hefner – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, 3.39 ERA. Damn, Hefner, I like the way you play, boy. Hefner’s not this good, but he also has nine straight quality starts, so what do you care what he’s really like? Own him while he’s running the table.
Nick Tepesch – Hit the DL with elbow inflammation. Happy Tepesch; too bad he can’t unleaven his pitches.
Joakim Soria – Activated from the DL. He’ll start in easy situations before being thrust into high-leverage ones. You work the register before Friendly’s throws you on Fribbles. You hear me?
Yadier Molina – Missed two games this weekend with right knee inflammation. The MRI came back clean; he hopes to return on Tuesday; Yadi, Yadi, Yadi…
Matt Holliday – 1-for-3 with a slam (12) and legs (3). He was the back end on a steal of second while Beltran stole home. I think it should be clear from now on when I call the Cards manager, Tony Ma Theny.
Yasmani Grandal – Sounds like he’s going to miss the rest of the season with ACL and MCL damage. I’m not even sure how you can injure the Austin City Limits or 1150, but it doesn’t sound promising.
Chase Headley – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and six for his last 13 with a homer. His nostrils are fogging the mirror!
Alexi Amarista – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Yesterday, he played 2nd, center field then back to 2nd. That must be what scouts call, “Little League range.” Should just put him in short-center and call it a day.
Dan Haren – Will be activated on Monday. That means you can’t continue to stash him on your DL, but you have to finally commit to dropping him. Sorry, I know you’re a commitment-phobe.
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a grand slam (10) and legs (5). Denny’s called and said you’re trademark infringing.
Anthony Rendon – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Danny Espinosa who?! He was the 2nd baseman who– I know, Random Italicized Voice. Whoa, someone’s testy, you need some resty? I like my Random Italicized Girls chesty. Are you rhyming now? Yes, Sherlock.
Bryce Harper – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and 2 steals. Thankfully there was no wall between 1st and 2nd.
Scott Hairston – Traded to the Nats to act as padded cushion with their outfield depth in case anyone gets hurt. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo*
Neil Walker – Will get an MRI on his side. Since those MRI machines are a fickle bunch, we’ll see if it stays on his side.
A.J. Burnett – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks as he returned from the DL, but was removed early due to being rusty. Anthony Michael Hall and a host of other teen actors had that problem, too.
Doug Fister – 6 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was beat by Corey Kluber (6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks), which goes to the old adage, “It doesn’t matter how far your reach is if the other guy has a club.” I might’ve made up that adage, which isn’t the industry leading trade paper on advertising just like therapists dot com isn’t a forum for sex offenders. First, Fister isn’t as bad as his 4.07 ERA shows. If his owner got sick of his shenanigans, then I’d grab him, but use kid gloves until after the break. Second, Kluber is as solid as he looked yesterday, but he just needed the extra boost of me dropping him prior to this start. Dah! I’d go ahead and grab Kluber again, if I had room. Third, there’s no third. You people are greedy!
Michael Brantley – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers. Hahahahahaha… That’s me delirious from picking up and dropping Brantley. Though, now my resident bungee chump has been scooped by someone else, so I’m left to wonder what could have been. I can guess what could’ve been: I would’ve grabbed him again for about four days then dropped him for someone else. Sue me that I can’t hold onto a utility hitter. Maybe in the lawsuit we can settle out of court and you’ll be rewarded my ten grand in bills.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer. He’s also four for his last six. Hey, like I tell the ladies; I’ll let you wrap your head around that small sample size.
Miguel Cabrera – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs, and a slam (28) and legs (3), hitting .368. His steal came on a double steal with Prince Fielder in the 6th. In related news, during the 6th inning, mystery tremors were reported in downtown Cleveland.
Torii Hunter – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. Torii showing you how he dots the eyes!
Josh Reddick – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. I love a guy with 30-homer power who has less than 5 homers in July. Has a whole lot of power numbers still to come. Editor’s Note: I like less than 5 homers from a power hitter this late in the year when he’s not on my team for the first 3 months.
Jed Lowrie – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Still think Lowrie’s got 17 homers in his bat, so he’s got some work to do in the 2nd half, as well.
Grant Green – A’s called up their bat-first middle infielder to either take over 2nd base or platoon with Sogard. Therein lies the rub, like the prude brothel’s sign reads. There’s conflicting reports to how he’ll be used. If it’s a platoon, he’s nearly useless in mixed leagues as he’ll only be facing lefties. If it’s an everyday job, then there’s some sweet, sweet upside here. Over a full year at Triple-A in 2012, he hit .296 with 15 HR and 13 SB. This year, more of the same, 11 homers, 4 steals and .318. My guess is at first he’ll be platooned. If he starts showing his bat, he could be a full-timer within a few weeks of the break since Sogard had changed his name from Soboring to get fantasy baseballers to bite, but it hasn’t worked.
George Kottaras – 1-for-2 and his third homer in his last three games. Unfortch, Salvador Perez is playing in front of him nearly every day with his 1-for-3′s and no counting stats.
David Price – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (0 BB), 5 Ks, a complete game in only 98 pitches with 72 strikes. That economy of pitches would make Alan Greenspan blush, but maybe that’s because of his naked shorts.
Joshua Phegley – 1-for-4 with his first homer. I’d keep a close eye on him if you need power at your catcher slot. Not a closed eye. Hello, open your eyes!
Nick Franklin – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer. It’s silly to prorate a guy who has less than 40 games in the majors out over 162 games, but let’s be silly! Over a full season, Franklin would have 25 homers and 21 steals. Then it would be even sillier to say he’s been better than Zobrist in 50 less games.
Joe Saunders – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. If I were the M’s, I’d have Saunders and Harang pitch the same day, one gets the first four innings and the other gets the 2nd half of the game. Call them the Sarung and have them wear sarongs, I don’t care, just bring up Erasmo!
Jason Hammel – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks in New York, which means the same even if you’re not sure if he faced the Mets or Yanks. They’re both offensively-challenged. The Stream-o-Nator didn’t love this start, because Hammel’s been less-than-desirable this year with or without the apostrophe.
Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.77. Due to his lack of Ks, he’s not more than a number two fantasy starter. Due to everything else, he’s been a solid number two.
Patrick Corbin – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, 2.40 ERA. Regression? Where we’re going we don’t need regression.
Darin Ruf – 1-for-2, 2 runs. The Phils promoted him to fill-in for the DL’d Ryan Howard. Here’s what I’ve said previously about Ruf, “(Last year), he hit a minor league-leading 38 homers (with 20 of them coming in August). That was at Double-A and at 26 years old. In scout speak, that’s not good, too old. Scouts speak in short sentences so they don’t miss the Early Bird Specials. Based not on facts but my gut (and Ruf’s), “Babe” Ruf reminds me of Matt Stairs. Ruf’s a righty, but like Stairs he’s got two beer kegs for legs and the upside of a guy who would be fun to hang out with in the dugout. To me, he profiles as a guy that will come up and do damage in the very short term and then become a career pinch hitter.” And that’s me quoting me! In NL-Only leagues, I could see taking the flyer on him, but I’m not grabbing him in mixed leagues until he puts something together.
Domonic Brown – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Before I go to sleep every night, I thank the fantasy Gods for giving me the strength to hold Domonic during his sub-par April.
Jonathan Pettibone – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Pettibone’s far from an exciting name unless you’re a dog, but he gets the White Sox next, which doesn’t seem like a terrible stream.
Brandon Beachy – Cleared to start a rehab assignment. I’m guessing he won’t be back until mid-August and even then it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s working out of the bullpen to baby him, though with the way Fredi uses his bullpen, social services might need to be called.
Brian McCann – 3-for-4, 1 run and 7 for his last 9, hitting .304. Meanwhile, Salvador Perez sat out Sunday so he was well-rested to deliver flowers to his MeeMaw’s grave.
Chris Johnson – 1-for-4 with a homer and 2-for-5 on Saturday. I’ve been calling him a hot schmotato for two weeks. What are you? Robert De Niro from Awakenings? You’re taking way too long to react.
Kris Medlen – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Anyone else notice he hasn’t been as good since the kid (man?) died from Kriss Kross? Maybe Medlen should wear his pants backwards. Sometimes a tribute is all we have.
Colby Rasmus – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .250. Finally, I relented and looked to pick him up, and, rightfully so, he was owned. It says a lot that I thought he might not be. It’s weird how Rasmus feels uninspiring but if, say, Konerko had 16 homers and a .250 average, you’d be happy as a Puig in a batter’s box.
Rajai Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (22). The King of SAGNOF powered up pre-game with a giant smoked turkey leg and a chalice of mead that Kawasaki brought back from the Ren-Faire.
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite! I looked at our 30-day Player Rater to see how great Plouffe has been, but it didn’t work out so well because he was injured towards the beginning of that time frame. Though, he does have 4 homers in the last ten games.
Aramis Ramirez – Due to his knee, he sat out yesterday and will miss some days next weekend so he has an extra long All-Star break. He has 5 homers now, I wouldn’t be surprised if we see a 12-ish homer season from him this year, and that might be optimistic.
Dexter Fowler – Could return this week after a rehab assignment. His wrist is feeling better and he’s got full Dexterity.
Troy Tulowitzki – Will start a rehab assignment this week. Hopefully, he stays healthy long enough to make it through it, otherwise his owners will be yelling an anagram of ‘this.’
Carlos Gonzalez – Left yesterday’s game with a hand injury. The Rockies are the early favorites for the Rehab Assignment World Series.
Roy Oswalt – Left yesterday’s game with a strained hamstring. Well, they’ll need someone to pitch at the RAWS.
Marc Krauss – 1-for-4 with a homer and 3-for-4 on Saturday. Krauss was predicted to be the first prospect from the 2009 draft to reach the majors. O, brother, Krauss, where art thou been? He has some power and strikes out a bit. The bigger issue is he’s been playing in place of Chris Carter vs. righties. Krauss platooning with The K’ing Crater is bad for everyone. Krauss teaming with Robert Plant is good for everyone.
Jose Altuve – 1-for-4 and 2 steals. Elias Sports Bureau said Altuve used more steps in his two steals than are in the Empire State Building.