You smell that? No, not your armpits. That’s Opening Day. The real thing this time! I love you, you sick, twisted, little game run by an egomaniac with a bad toupee. I love you! I want to touch baseball’s boobies! They are warm to my touch; those beautiful baseball boobies! I am gushing over baseball’s boobies! Grey, um, you’re writing this down; this isn’t your inner monologue. Good call, Random Italicized Voice. Embarrassing. Speaking of embarrassing, how about that monstrosity just past the Marlins’ outfield fences? It’s a passive-aggressive ode to a fan base and city that is loathed by Marlins’ senior management. “You Marlin fans – all you care about are pretty colors. You don’t even appreciate the ode to Miro!” That was what the Marlins president said after he called Marlin fans stupid. (The last part isn’t a lie. You can use Google, if you don’t believe me. I understand; the Internet made me cynical too. I blame you, Al Gore!) Oh, that’s all assuming you can see the outfield fences. Where’d they put the center field fence? Cuba? It’s like they combined Petco with AT&T Park. They have Cuban raftees floating just past the outfield fences. You got humidity blowing in, fences 28 miles off the coast of Key West, my beautiful Giancarlo Stanton, whose boobies I’d gush over too, and now I got agita. We should suggest in the comments what to call this pink and aqua-blue hot mess the Marlins call a stadium. I got one idea, Unicornco. Anyway, here’s what else happened yesterday in 2012 fantasy baseball:
Matt Holliday – 0-for-5 as he hit third. Looks like that’s a big Pujols to fill.
Rafael Furcal – 3-for-5, 1 RBI (which isn’t a Ron Ben-Israel) and a steal. This is something I’ve noticed in my *covers mouth* years covering fantasy baseball. Old players get off to fast starts. I think it has to do with them not being tired of the grind of the long season yet. Their legs are still fresh. You’ll see, Alfonso Soriano will start the year fast, Torii Hunter will start hot, etc. etc. etc. There should be a name in the glossary for these old players that start hot. Suggest in the comments. Thank you.
David Freese – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 1 Run. A nationally televised game and Freese turns into Babe Ruth. I will now call you, The Primetime Kid.
Kyle Lohse – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 Hits, 3 Ks. Last year, his April ERA was 1.64 and his May ERA was 2.57. Okay, so there’s worse flyers for the early months of the season.
Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-4 and looked about as good at third, giving away at least two base hits. Also, Reyes and Ramirez are really going out of their way to bring in a new Miami crowd. Miguel Olivo’s probably soooo jealous.
Josh Johnson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks. On the bright side, he didn’t get injured.
Andrew Bailey – Underwent successful surgery in Cleveland, then visited the Jock and Skoal Hall of Fame, which features a glob of Lenny Dykstra’s used dip and an extracted mouth lesion from Terry Francona.
Alfredo Aceves – For a man that invented the sandwich wrap, Bobby Valentine is totally crackers. Yesterday, he announced that Aceves would be the Sawx closer. Let’s see, a pitcher who would be better in relief is in the rotation (Bard), a pitcher who saved games last year is in middle relief (Melancon) and a pitcher who whined that he wanted to start (Aceves) is the closer. To recap — Huh, what, oh, okay, wait, what? Valentine said Aceves would see the save if the Sawx were leading in the first game. He didn’t say anything about game five or ten or twenty. It may be needlessly nitpicky, but I think there’s something between the lines there. Obviously, Aceves is the first one to own right now, but I wouldn’t drop Melancon if you have room.
Kyle Farnsworth – Diagnosed with an elbow strain that’s “not a major concern.” And I’m getting an elbow strain from making the “jerking off” motion after hearing them say it’s “not a major concern.” The Rays can spin this any way they like, but a pitcher with an elbow strain in April is a major concern. I wouldn’t hesitate to grab Peralta, though the Rays are saying they may use a committee. Is anything done better by committee besides jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee?
Devin Mesoraco – Dusty announced Hanigan would be the Opening Day starter. Well, that stinks, but to take the sting away, Votto is buying a Lamborghini for the first 2,000 fans in attendance.
Hector Santiago – Robin Ventura has still said nothing about who’s the actual closer in Chicago. This is ridiculous. The season’s started already, name someone! No wonder Nolan Ryan beat the crap out of him. As of right now, I’d go with Matt Thornton, Hector Santiago, Addison Reed and Jesse Crain. I have little to no confidence in that order. So, as Al Pacino would scream at me, , “No, those closers are out of order!”
Brandon Belt – When Bochy lifted his giant melon out of bed yesterday, two things were on his mind. First, I want to make Grey happy by having Brandon Belt make the Opening Day roster. Second, I wonder if they make back support but for heads. Can’t help on the second, but thank you and your giant cantaloupe for the first one. Here’s what I said in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball, “If Belt were guaranteed everyday playing time, Belt is capable of 25/10/.280, which would have him poised to be a top 5 1st baseman next year. The problem is Bruce Bochy has a gigantic head, but a very small brain. Hopefully he realizes Belt ties the entire Giants outfit together. 2012 Projections: 70/24/80/.280/10 (in 500 ABs)” And that’s me getting very excited about Belt! He still has great promise for a better tomorrow. This message was brought to you by the Committee to Elect Grey Albright for Public Office and Stop Whoever Keeps Vandalizing the L Out of the Word Public.
Josh Outman – Hits the DL after he injured himself vomiting. I thought only the players’ wives got injuries like that. Anna Benson, “Finally a pitcher who understands me!”