Terry Collins announced a change at the top of Mets bullpen system on the down, Jose Valverde would concede the job to Kyle Farnsworth. Valverde handed him the ball, and like a true sportsman said, “You can’t be worse than me, but I know you’ll try.” Terry Collins, or Mr. C as the players call him, told Valverde to sit on it, Farnsy’s cool. Some have speculated on Vic Black, Frank’s little brother. Didja you know when Vic was a young Black he went to his brother Frank and asked if he could play drums in the Pixies and Frank said, “Do drugs for six more years and then we’ll talk.” Rock ‘n roll, doodes and four doodettes! Will Farnsworth do a decent enough job as closer to hold it for the whole year? Seems doubtful, but I like his odds better than Valverde ever had. Farnsworth could get 25 saves and be a Donkeycorn by September. Likely, he gets around 12 saves, has a 4-something ERA and the Mets give Gonzalez Germen a little guten tag a’la vater, which is ‘how’s your father’ in Germen from someone who never took Germen. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jenrry Mejia – Was cleared to start on Monday after being bothered by a blister. This blurb was brought to you by Blistex. We don’t just remove unsightly blisters, we handle cold sores too.
Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks with a 4.63 ERA on the year. I still think he can have a huge month or two, but as of right now, he’s been pretty yawnstipating.
David Wright – 4-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI; he had the same amount of hits as the rest of the Mets regulars combined over a 14-inning game. Maybe putting Grandy and Krispie in the same lineup wasn’t completely thought through. Oh, and would it shock anyone if Wright has a power year comparable to, say, Yunel Escobar?
Lucas Duda – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI will get more at-bats after Ike Davis was run out of town. By the by, it wasn’t that hard to chase Davis out of town because he was already standing three feet further away than he should’ve been. As for Duda, I like him a bit more than Ike Davis now that they both should see comparable at bats.
Craig Kimbrel – He got into the game on Saturday and didn’t look right (2/3 IP, 2 ER). Excuse me, he looked fine for a junky closer like Chad Qualls, but didn’t look right for him. Kimbrel can say what he wants, but I bet he’s headed for the DL in the landmark case of sooner vs. later. I’m holding David Carpenter, but it could be Jordan Walden’s job too. Since Walden got the save on Saturday, I’d go with him first. It really is a toss up, though.
Mike Minor – Will make his season debut next Saturday. Finally, his urethra can get some r-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Ike Davis – 1-for-6, 1 run and 2-for-3 on Saturday, his first day in the eye patch. On Friday, Dan Pants reported that Davis had been traded to the Pirates and said he’d pick him up everywhere on the off chance that Davis hits 40 HRs. Dan Pants does a great job on Friday roundups. It’s a thankless job doing Friday night roundups, and I love him for it. Dan “Could Get In My Pants” Pants, you know what I mean? But 40 HRs from Davis is the talk of a crazy person. If Davis serves as a solid platoon-mate with Gaby Sanchez, it would be a huge step forward for Ike. Let’s crawl before we walk, ya know? With that said, in deep leagues, I’d take a flyer on Davis, but he’s not above guys like, say, Morneau, Teixeira, or other schmohawks that may be available in your leagues.
Gerrit Cole – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. I’d hate to be greedy (here’s where I’m greedy), but how about some more Ks and I’m not talking about changing the spelling of your last name.
Neil Walker – 3-for-6 and his 6th homer. I don’t like Walker, but I wish I had him on every team for the first 3 weeks. A’la Sting, we could be together…Walker’ing, Walker’ing on the moon.
Ryan Braun – 2-for-5 with his 6th homer after two homers on Saturday. Hard to take a pee into the wind when guys are hitting, but I’d still be concerned about Braun moving forward. One tweak of his thumb, which I believe is on the bat when he’s swinging it, i.e., the danger zone, Kenny Loggins, and Braun could be in trouble.
Carlos Gomez – Was ejected for going full WWE on some Pirates, screaming around the infield, “King Kong ain’t got shizz on me!” Until Travis Snider charged him and said, “I’m still a post-post-post-post-hype prospect you mothereffin’ breakout star!” and Snider bumped Gomez over, then the baseball brawl ended like every baseball brawl before it. Fringe players jawed at each other and players pretended like they were going to do something while 17 players were between them and the one they were jawing with.
Mark Reynolds – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Definitely worth picking up for a corner infidel slot while Min Donkey is hot schmotato’ing around the league.
Khris Davis – 3-for-6 and his 1st homer. Mazel tov, he’s a man! He’s the kind of hitter that will get crazy hot for a stretch. I’d grab him in any leagues he’s available.
Marco Estrada – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Stream-o-Nator is about as crazy googly-eyed as I’ve ever seen it for Estrada’s next start. I’d say they should get a room, but the Hitter-Tron and an industrial-sized magnet are occupying the room already.
Marcell Ozuna – Hit a homer on Saturday. Every time I mention him, Men At Work’s Overkill plays in my head. Night after night, OZUNA’s name reappears. I can’t get to sleep, I think about his implications, about diving in too deep, especially at night, beat, beat, beat, don’t know these lyrics, night after night OZUNA reappears. Come back another day!
Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. After the homer, Ryan Sandberg visited the opposing pitcher on the mound to try to pull him from the start.
Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and left the game with knee tendinitis. You can’t expect Tulo and CarGo to both be healthy at the same time. I mean, c’mon!
Justin Morneau – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer. Yes, you should own him. Yes, now.
Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Say what you want about the social consequences of affirmative action, but it’s working out well for Blackmon.
Chase Headley – 1-for-3, 2 RBI as he returned to the lineup after his sore biceps. Aw, poor baby. Why do I want Headley to face Fister. Not Doug, Evander Holyfield.
Matt Harrison – Will take over the rotation spot this week that Tanner Scheppers vacated as he went to the Disgraceful List. I wouldn’t own Harrison in any leagues outside of AL-Only. Even Harrison would tell you, “Sweet Lord, my K-rate is terrible.”
Adrian Beltre – Hoping to return next weekend. That’s T-minus six days until Kouz is the man off.
Hector Noesi – 1 IP, 7 ER. Damn, he looked worse than when Niese used to go by the nickname Noesi.
Adam Eaton – On Saturday, he injured his hamstring, and could miss a few games. He jumped the gun a little. Eater Sunday is the time for the hamstring, Eaton. Or at least chewing the ham off it.
Erik Johnson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks and, no, that isn’t a solid start. BB King said, “Well, I wouldn’t go that far. Boy’s got promise.” That’s not B.B. King, the musician, that’s BB King, Carlos Marmol.
Marcus Semien – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs. If you owned Semien yesterday, then you’ll probably need to tell your loved ones that that is just dried glue on your pants.
Dayan Viciedo – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He also had 2-for-3, 2 RBIs game on Saturday. White Sox seem content with Eaton doing just that to Viciedo’s playing time, but veni vidi Viciedo could carpe diem with short-term appeal.
Mike Moustakas – 0-for-4. Two steps forward, one step onto a backwards-traveling moving sidewalk for twenty minutes.
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run, hitting .298 on the year. Since his first week when I dropped him (like an assface), he’s look much better. Definitely worth looking at with your middle infidel slot.
Josmil Pinto – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Him as your first rounder instead of Mauer is making more sense. Where’d the people go that thought I was crazy for saying Mauer was overrated? Waiting until he hits two games in a row? That’s fun for you. I hope you’re also evilly rubbing your hands together.
Kurt Suzuki – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .294. He’s actually doing better than Mauer too. Fun times, Mauer owners!
Trevor Plouffe – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and hitting .313. Mostsuckass sucked me in once again, and I dropped Plouffe on Saturday for Mostsuckass. Mostsuckass, why do you torture me? Why? I ask you with profuse sincerity.
Alex Cobb – Aiming to return at the end of May/beginning of June. Damn, that’s a while. Oblique, indeed.
James Loney – 2-for-4, 1 run and over .400 in the last week. Don’t make me go into depth here, let’s just say Loney is hitting and move on. So, I’ll leave you *pinkie to mouth* a Loney with your thoughts.
Cesar Ramos – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks but the no decision. Did every game go into extra innings yesterday? Did DirectTV sponsor yesterday’s slate of games? Is Cesar’s uniform number written, XXVII? I got questions, y’all!
Ivan Nova – Likely headed for Tommy John surgery. Me in the preseason, “I’m not ranking Nova.” You, “You’re stupid, he’s awesome.” Me, “Okay, I’ll rank him.” You, “Sucker!”
Mark Teixeira – 2-for-6 as he returned from the DL. Finally, Alfonso Soriano, Ichiro, Jeter and Beltran have the young Teixeira back so he can help them understand what some of these text acronyms mean from their younger teammates. “David Robertson texted me BRB. What’s that mean?” That’s Alfonso asking Te(i)x. Then Jeter says, “You’re our ‘Tex’ guru,” then they laugh and Ichiro’s dentures fall out.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – He didn’t play yesterday, but the Red Sox said he will stay the primary center fielder even after Shane Victorino returns. The Red Sox are lavish in their praise for Bradley’s ability to take a walk. Sometimes multiple times in a game. In the preseason, I kept saying I should move Victorino down in my rankings. I was right to say that, but wrong to not actually do it. Victorino’s might be barely mixed league ownable. Sorry, prematurely balding men.
Adam Jones – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Sweet, yum, how about a couple of homers? Thank you!
Lance Lynn – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Example that Wins are stupid, Lynn and his 3.42 ERA has the most wins in the majors. I mean, he wasn’t even the best pitcher in Saturday’s game vs. Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 with a steal after being removed from Saturday’s game for lack of hustle. You’re going down that path? Really? Ugh, now he’ll be garbage for three years, ask to be traded, give Matt Williams a mushroom stamp on the way out of town, then he’ll arrive in his new city, say he feels like a new person and finally have a first round-type season. I don’t have this kind of time!
Danny Espinosa – 3-for-4, 1 run and a homer on Saturday. I told you on Friday to buy him and now I will say Friday Grey is all right in my book!
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. Your window for trading for Strasburg with a bag of Andy Capp’s Hot Fries might be closing.
Shelby Miller – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks. Yeah, and if you think that was a good start, I have a lousy bridge hand to sell you.
Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks. *lightly pressing fingertips together, chanting* Homer without the HR is a calming ome….
Scott Kazmir – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 1.65 ERA. Guess his tricepsaurus is old news. Hopefully some greedy businessman doesn’t extract it from amber.
Jesse Chavez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Asstros and he gets them again. “C’mon on in! We got Chavez vs. the Astros!” That’s a guy yelling to sailors on weekend leave as they walk passed a fantasy club.
Josh Donaldson – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Clearly the panic over his first week slump might’ve been overblown.
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. uPig ain’t gonna let the elevator bring him down. Go crazy!
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 1 run and a homer on Saturday as he homers every day that he homers cause he’s the bomb dot gov! I’m singing Feliz Cumpleanos a Draft-o Him-o En Mi Fantasia League-o’s! Who else told you to draft him crazy high? Who? The people who told you to draft Mauer? No, not them. Blow your kisses towards my hair, I wish to shower in them!
Howie Kendrick – 3-for-4, 1 RBI and is 10 for his last 23. Howie like me now!
Alex Gonzalez – Released by the Tigers a few weeks after the Tigers traded for him. Guess the Tigers didn’t know what they were getting. I mean, how could they? Gonzalez only had about 5700 major league at-bats coming into this season. Andrew Romine (2-for-2, 2 steals yesterday) and Danny Worth will serve as the Tigers shortstop. Romine is the only one rosterable for AL-Only leagues due to his speed.
Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.15. Lucky these guys’ stats don’t carry over from spring training, huh?
Corey Kluber – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks. Another guy that I liked in the preseason that I’m willing to give up on pretty quickly. He has absolutely no track record and there’s about six-dozen starters to choose from in most leagues, you don’t need to hold out hope for Kluber, or simply go back to him if he corrects his shizz.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. At the end of the year, this is you looking at Brantley in the top 40 outfielders, “I guess I should’ve owned him for the whole year.”
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 3rd steal as he hits .345, which is ‘She’ on a calculator upside down, which is what my mom calls Spike Jonze’s new film, which stars Scarlett Johansson, a type of red is scarlet, red indicates hot, which Melky is. Coincidence? Unlikely.
Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. When you’re only good for 75 innings every year, I’d suggest making them count, and not as in going to a 3-2 count on every hitter.
Juan Francisco – 2-for-6 this weekend with an RBI. The Blue Jays recalled him from the minors with Lind going down. Nice add in AL-Only leagues as he’ll prolly start 75% of the time while Lind is hurt. Toronto is the land of wayward 3B from the NL Central: Bautista, Edwin, Francisco.
Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and his ERA is now down to 0.64. In related news, someone by the name of Bark Muehrle is trying to obtain 10,000 signatures to have the Cy Young vote happen on May 1st.