The Cardinals traded for one of the most unreliable starters this year, Justin Masterson and his 5.51 ERA. Ouch. The Cardinals fell asleep and the Indians drew a shaft and balls on their forehead. People are snickering at you, Cardinals, because you have a shaft and balls on your head. Unless it’s a non-Leaning Tower of Pisa that is partially obscuring a tractor trailer so all we’re seeing is its giant wheels. Then, it’s a lovely scenic landscape, but you still got had. This saves the Brewers a lot of trouble because I heard they were going to trade for Masterson and then ‘accidentally’ leave him behind on their next road trip to St. Louis. No reason to obfuscate, my dear Milwaukee friends. Masterson gets a slight uptick in value just going to the NL, but he needs to prove he’s healthy and able to throw a Quality Start before I’d start him anywhere. So, he’s gone from a Waiver Wire guy, to an On My Bench Until He Shows Something guy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Wacha – Will undergo an MRI on Monday and, depending on its results, will start throwing. So Wacha Wacha want? Good MRI results and hope that he comes back in September. So Wacha Wacha is realistic? Wacha returns for the last two weeks of the season, throwing from the bullpen.
Clayton Richard – Signed a minor league deal with the D’Backs. He’ll be returning from AC joint surgery, and could be ready by September. He’ll need his AC in tip-top if he’s going to be in Arizona. People be dyin’ from the heat there, right, playa? I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to a Spanish beach.
Eric Chavez – Retired from baseball. He’s going to go into comedy full-time under the name DL Usually.
Wade Miley – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K. Could there be a worse line for a 0.00 ERA? Rhetorical!
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (3), now hitting near-.375 in the last week with two homers. When Gregorius D.I.D. bust his bat, after a few months of takin’ dirt naps, he’s all that, where my middle infielder at? Give that other guy the boot, the boot! Pick up, pick up, it’s a pick up, pick up. And I’m beatin’ you to waivers if you got the hiccups, hiccups.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Au Shizz! On a side note, I got an email from relatives in Israel (relatives I didn’t even know I had; they should’ve sent a wedding gift though. You feel me? Okay, now stop.), and this relative sent me a family tree that dates back to the 1600s. Seriously. The family tree was a Word document and was 17 pages in length. (Someone’s got time on their hands, right?) I bring it up now because there were some Goldschmidts on the document. I thought just maybe I was related to Au Shizz, so I started Googling some great-great-grandfather names and whatnot, and it turns out my great-grandfather’s uncle’s second cousin’s brother-in-law twice removed is Einstein! No, not Einstein Bagel’s, smart guy. Albert Einstein. Slightly more disconcerting is I’m distantly related to my wife. We’re trailer park Jews!
Alfredo Simon – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Say what you want about his methods, but holding his FIP at gunpoint has proven worthwhile.
Devin Mesoraco – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. That homer got out of there in a hurry. It must’ve taken one good look at Mesoraco.
Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. Unlike the beauty of an ERA Stroman’s pulling out of his top hat, Gausman’s pitching much closer to a rookie with ups and downs. Against a top offense like the Not Near Los Angeles Los Angeles Angels, though, still very solid. Gonna be fun to watch Gausman next year, and hopefully not sarcastically fun like Gerrit Cole this year.
Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer and 2nd in as many games. Be sweet as Gillaspie if Jones stayed hot for the next two months. Sure be sweet.
Garrett Richards – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Ended up making his line look a lot more digestible than it was when he gave up four runs after four innings. Was a tough matchup on the road, and I still like him, and so does the Stream-o-Nator.
Jedd Gyorko – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. God bless your stupid little face you Gyorkoff, I love you, please get hot for two months like last year. Hey, maybe his early season slump was the plantar fasciitis. Whatevs! Just get hot!
Yangervis Solarte – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .364 on the Padres. Yes, I have mentioned him like three days in a row. That could only mean one thing, Yangervis isn’t just a Swedish name for a leg of lamb, it’s a hot schmotato. Hey, the full meal!
Jesse Hahn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Only four or nine more starts for him this year, depending on what the unflappable Bud Black is flapping on about today.
Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-1 and his 15th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Yesterday’s homer was a pinch-hit shot, so I’ll say it for you — sonavabench!
Ben Revere – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 29th steal, hitting over .350 in the last week. I like him for SAGNOF, so don’t take this the wrong way, but he’s hitting leadoff with a .300+ average and he’s only on pace for 65 runs. Wow, that could be some kind of you-don’t-want-this-record record (stutterer!).
Zack Wheeler – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. He has a 1.87 ERA in the 2nd half in 19 1/3 IP. Last year, he had a 3.38 ERA in the 2nd half in 72 IP. Don’t know what it is, but as the summer wears on, Wheeler finds his footing. “Did someone say footy?!” No, Guy Decked Out In Diadora.
Juan Lagares – 3-for-5, 1 run, and his 3rd steal. I actually own this schmohawk so I would know if he was suddenly hot, and he’s not. Not yet, at least. He does have three straight games with a hit, but too early to say much more. If he does get hot, he should move up in the lineup, so make like a cyclops with a monocle.
Daniel Murphy – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Only seven less homers, six less RBIs and five more runs than Rollins. Lowercase yay.
Ruben Tejada – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Reports were saying the Mets were offering Tejada to teams and willing to accept back anywhere from a major league player to a half-used toilet paper roll from a sperm bank.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, and five homers in his last eight games. Hopefully this Duda streak continues and we don’t see any skid marks.
Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.38. This year YoGa’s been as fine as Kate Upton in stretchy pants, which makes sense since this is the first year in I can’t remember how long that I don’t own him. FMFBBL!
Martin Maldonado – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs. Fun fact! His great uncle is Candy Maldonado, Martin’s nickname is M & M and his Mom has seven cavities. Stay away from the sweets, Chewy Sugarstein!
Travis Wood – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 11 Ks, raising his ERA to 5.10. So, a man with a wooden eye walks into a bar and sees a girl with big ears on the dance floor. He’s feeling self-conscious about his wooden eye and his fantasy team, but he’s told the girl with big ears knows her stuff and can help him. So, he goes up to her and asks her if she’d stream Wood. She replies, “Would I?” And he says, “Eff you, Dumbo!”
Luis Valbuena – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Not bad for Valbuena, or as he’s known around Chicago, Placeholder 3B.
Brett Anderson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks. Remarkably, he was not hurt at any point during the game. I cannot speak for when he woke up today.
Josh Willingham – 1-for-3 and a slam (11) and legs (1). Wow, that’s surprising. At 35 years old, the Other White Meat makes one of those Living Statues look fast.
Danny Duffy – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks. I’m sorry that egregious, Jackie Chiles. I would not go anywhere near him.
Adam Dunn – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer and 2nd in as many games. I kinda feel like Big Donkey could come out of retirement in thirty years and hit a home run. Assuming he can find a flying car big enough to bring him to the park.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-4. Ah, Dunn-Eaton, how it was meant to be. Any the hoo! Eaton’s on hot schmotato alert!
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.27. Bit surprised to see him lifted after only 98 pitches. Since Max Scherzer sounds like a character from a Michael Chabon novel, maybe he needed to get back to his shtetl for supper.
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. He reminds me of what I’m going to say about Bogaerts in 187 words. It’s pretty good. You’re almost there. Keep going… Hmm, now more like 198 words.
Brandon Workman – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. Mark Buehrle (6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks). This matchup was billed as Workman vs. Workman-like. Such a blue collar, salt of the earth matchup, the Boston fans (let’s call them teamsters) loved it, and only wanted to break for three cigarettes all game.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting near .350 in the last week with a homer on Tuesday. In the very big picture, he’s still a solid prospect going into next year. In the slightly smaller big picture, he’s been disappointing this year. In the smallest picture, he’s been hitting well this past week. See, with Bogaerts, it’s just the pictures that got small.
Anthony Gose – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th steal, and 5th steal in the last 8 games. He’s the Gose that laid the golden SAGNOF!
Matt Kemp – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer and 3rd homer in two games. That’s mighty nice of him to start hitting for the zombie team in your H2H league just as you have to face it, right?
Brad Hand – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Yesterday, there were two Woods starting, but only one Hand. Hmm…
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3 and a slam (24) and legs (10). Only twelve more homers to go! Thank God, he finally hit another homer. I was considering breaking my court-sanctioned 500-foot distance. I’m guessing my Good Luck Selfie Noodes reached his in-box safely. Speaking of which, in this Friday’s Buy/Sell, some of the commenters have decided to make it Reveal Thyself Avatar Day. Everyone will be putting their real picture as their avatar, so join us. Please no noodes.
Jordany Valdespin – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer this week. Hey, it’s the guy with a name that sounds like it was created by a Harry Potter Character Generator. About a week ago, Valdespin started receiving everyday at-bats, and has been hitting. Still too early for all mixed leagues, but I’d grab him in deeper leagues.
Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.74. Roark’s making all fantasies come true! He should probably be owned in all leagues at this point, but, if he’s not, the Stream-o-Nator likes his next start and I agree.
Denard Span – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 19th and 20th steals. Span and Ben Revere should start a crime-fighting duo, The SAGNOF’ers. Suckas Ain’t Got No Faces! As they take out some suckas. Not for dinner. Like take out take out. Oh, forget it.
Drew Storen – 1 IP, 2 ER and the save, as Rafael Soriano had the day off after throwing (miserably) the game prior. Soriano’s still the closer, but if you’re desperate for saves, it wouldn’t be nuts to handcuff Storen in honor of the release of Let’s Be Cops. This is the first comedy all year I’m excited about seeing. For serious.
Brett Gardner – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer and 4th homer in the last three games. Gardner’s sowing the seeds of love!
Jacoby Ellsbury – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Since Ellsbury is one of three Native American baseball players, the fact he homered off a Texas Ranger feels well-deserved.
Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Colby Lewis (7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks). Both starters were key figures in the 2010 League Championship Series, which is to say, dammit we’re getting old. Can we stop that now?
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-3. Speaking of old, his agent called him to see if he’d start going by Chuckie Beltran just to sound younger.
Dallas Keuchel – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA back down to 2.97. The last month you needed to exercise some patience with Keuchel (which could get you locked up in some countries), but he looks like he’s back to being a solid fantasy starter. I’d definitely grab him again if he’s out there.
Jason Hammel – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER. Jeez, he’s been lousy since the trade. Hammel went from Mark to Dorothy, which isn’t that uncommon for people moving from Chicago to the Bay Area.
Jon Singleton – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Gon Homerton! Now has two hits in the last week and two homers. The whole Astros team is crazy with ‘nothing but Ks and homers.’ If that’s a ‘thing.’ Hey, ‘quotes’ are ‘fun.’ I’d grab Homerton if you need power, but you’ll need to deal with the 0-for-15, 14 Ks stretches.
Corey Kluber – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. Wow, I think this game was about 35 minutes long. I went to walk my dog during the 4th inning and got back for the last out. And I only walk my dog fifteen feet and back! Though I do have a pimp limp. Not only is Kluber’s ERA down to 2.61, but his xFIP is 2.70, his K-rate is 9.7 and his walk rate is 1.9. His difference between his K-rate and walk rate is nearly 8! He kinda reminds me of another Indians pitcher that scuffled for a bit, then became terrific, Cliff Lee. At this point, I’m not sure how Kluber isn’t in the top 10 starters next year. For realies.
Dan Uggla – Giants are likely to release him about a week after they signed him. Ray Durham must’ve came on the market.
Tim Lincecum – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER. That’s two starts in a row now where he’s looked awful. In shallower mixed leagues, I’d lose him until he starts going back to smoking hitters and away from PCP (Pretty Crappy Pitching).
Michael Morse – 2-for-3, 1 RBI. After homering on Tuesday, he’s now hit in 8 of his last ten games (though most days it’s the 1-for-4 variety). As we know from April Grey, Morse could get crazy hot. Or as he’d say, slash slash dot.
Jordy Mercer – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. 70’s Disco Voice, singing, “Jordache’s got the look that’s right… The Jordache look… Ah…” Tight close-up of a butt, show horse head on butt, spin out and dissolve. Great, let’s go again, but, this time, don’t reveal it’s Jordy Mercer’s butt until the end.
Josh Harrison – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his 4th day in a row with a homer. Harrison is only 27 days away from homering in more consecutive days than his great-great grandfather managed to stay alive as president.