After Pablo Sandoval hit three homers in a World Series game last year, he sat down with Reggie Jackson for a conversation in December. Reggie wanted to know what the experience was like for him and to tell him his own. By the end of the conversation, Pablo was near tears, he whispered to Reggie, barely able to get the words out, “The fans threw candy bars onto the field?” Pablo Sandoval’s like the condensed milk version of Jay Bruce. It’s not really milk, but it’s real sweet and kinda tastes like milk and frosting and it gets crazy hot for one game a year. Jesus, Pablo (no relation to Jesus Guzman), if I would’ve known all it took to get you hot was to say you’re droppable, I would’ve done it in April. He still cost a lot of people their fantasy seasons, and is probably on a lot of teams that are out of the race, but, if you have him, you gotta hope this is the start of something. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the post, just wanted to briefly say we’re holding our last Draft Kings of the year this week where you get a chance to beat Rudy. Since I’m currently beating Rudy in the RCL, I suggest you give it a shot, it feels great! Anyway II, the roundup:
Buster Posey – Sat out yesterday after tearing his fingernail. Ouch! Is it me or does that sound more painful than when someone tears their UCL?
Hunter Pence – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. All the Padres could do yesterday was watch Giants hit homers and run around the bases. Well, that’s because Pablo took about forty minutes on three round trippers, but still.
Cameron Maybin – Out for the season as he undergoes surgery on his wrist. He hopes to play winter ball. Shouldn’t that just be called snowball?
Chase Headley – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer. Maybe in San Diego the Navy was testing some high-propulsion fans near Petco.
Pedro Strop – Dale Sveum said Strop could see save chances. Well, he actually said, “Strop could saveum svum ove eum games.” He started Hooked on Phonics, and now he’s just addicted. When Sveum hands the ball off to his closer, he says, “All right, kid, let’s put an A in my last name.” When he buys a doggie bed from the Sky Mall catalog, he tells his wife, “Arfer Woofruff will ruff it.” When Dale goes to the movies, he shushes people who are shushing other people. Living with Dale Sveum is a real chore. I went to pick up Strop in one league, but he was already gone. I could see grabbing him in any league where you need saves. He’s been fine the last month and it would make sense for the Cubs to give him an opportunity to show them he can close for next year. So, Strop yourself in for a bumpy ride!
Daniel Bard – Claimed off waivers by Epstein. What can I say? For Epstein, Bard is a regular can stanza.
Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. The actor from The Gods Must Be Crazy is laughing his ass off right now. You see, Samardzija is Zulu for eff you.
Starlin Castro – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer as he hits .244. It was a good year to not draft any Cubs, except for the now ex-Cub, Garza. Castro’s been hideous, not posting a batting average above .300 in any month and having some months of zero homers and zero steals, or one homer and one steal. That is the new blech. Be interesting to see where the fantasy ‘perts rank him next year. I don’t see any upside that’s worth a gamble, but January Grey will look closer, assuming he sobers up.
Donnie Murphy – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Not sure why it took me so long, but I just realized who Donnie Murphy is. He’s the 6th member of New Kids on the Block. He was the one that wanted the “right stuff” to go high and everyone else was like, “No, the ‘right stuff’ needs to go low. You’re out of the group.”
Dioner Navarro – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer as he hit clean-up. How long until Epstein just starts reuniting Varitek, Ortiz and Youkilis on the Cubs?
Adeiny Hechavarria – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, not in this game, which wouldn’t even have been a record.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-5 and his 6th steal. You just waiting until someone else picks him up? I get it; afraid of success. It’s all right. You’ll have something to discuss with your shrink in October.
Logan Morrison – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Next year he’ll break out as a post-post-post-post-post-post-hype sleeper bounce back. I can smell it. Oh, wait, that’s the trash under my desk.
Dillon Gee – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Gee’s ERA since May hasn’t been above 3.00. 2.73 in June, 2.88 in July and 2.14 August. Shoot, over-the-internet friend, he’s getting better. For the kind of last 3 months he’s had, Dillon needs a more excited last name. Gee? What is this, Wally and Beav playing marbles? Dillon Effyeah or Dillon Youknowthatshizzson or Dillon IsleptwithyourmotherandnowI’myourdaddyandI’mgoingtospankyou. Our fantasy football main squeez-a-reeno, Sky, called Gee as a preseason sleeper. Go see if his knowledge is there for football.
Lucas Duda – 3-for-5 and his 12th homer. He’s doing enough to just barely get on people’s radars for sleepers in 2014, but he’s doing it on the Mess in Metco, so no one will actually take him serious. Throw it to, Lucas! I’m bored. Snooze.
Andrew Brown – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Too bad him and Duda didn’t do it consecutively, then it could’ve been a back-to-back Brown-Duda, which is almost funny. Almost funny is the redheaded stepchild of funny. No respect for almost funny!
B.J. Upton – 0-for-2, 1 RBI and his 12th steal. Have I mentioned yet that he had 12 homers and 6 steals last September?
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, his third homer this week. He’s having the best time of his life since he graduated Hillman College and left behind Kadeem Hardison.
Alex Presley – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Now 7-for-18 on the Twins, and I’d absolutely look at him in deeper mixed leagues. Decent power-speed guy that is playing with something to prove. Just don’t tell him the only thing he needs to prove is he’s better than Darin Mastroianni.
Ryan Doumit – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer as he bats .241. I wonder where some of these guys would be without the Twins to employ them. *wavy lines* “May I take your order?” Ryan Doumit, is that you? When did you start working at Applebee’s? *wavy lines* Oh, so that’s where they’d be. Hmm.
Chris Carter – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 2nd steal in a week. Look at the big man getting his sneaks on. Unfortch, I dropped him before this game because I listened to the Hitter-Tron. Hitter-Tron giveth, Hitter-Tron taketh away a vacuum cleaner on a Carnival cruise.
Wil Myers – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and two home runs. Where’s he being drafted now? 105? 102? 99?
Jeremy Hellickson – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Grab him! Kidding. I wouldn’t go near him and his 5.04 ERA. No matter what stories come out today about how he altered his mechanics. He can change auto garages every fifth day and I wouldn’t touch him this year.
Robinson Cano – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. As Wil Myers’s draft slot changes each day, the number of zeros changes each day on Arte Moreno’s check to Cano. He’s up to 11 zeros now.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs. I’m fine being the only one owning him. Go about your business; I’ll go about mine.
Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4, 1 run and 2nd day in a row with two hits. Could be the start again (re-start?) of something by Beckham; could also be the weak sauce Yankee pitching staff.
Tanner Roark – Will make his first start on Saturday vs. the MIA Marlins. Well, now I got myself a pickled cucumber. I picked up Roark for middle relief help, but now I almost feel like I have to hold him for this start. This feels like a bad omen, but he’s been good so far — 1.19 ERA, 0.93 WHIP in 22 2/3 IP and started in Triple-A this year for 105 2/3 IP and produced a 3.15 ERA. Plus, how bad could a start vs. the Marlins go? I guess I’ll keep him. Thanks for letting me talk it out with you.
Miguel Cabrera – Sat out yesterday. He’s going to be in and out of the lineup the rest of the year, until the Tigers clinch, at which time he’ll sit for a week to ready for the playoffs. You’re gonna only get 30% of Miguel Cabrera this last month. Or Migu. Luckily not Mr. Migu.
David Ortiz – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 25th and 26th homer. He passed Billy Williams for 47th on the all-time home run list with 427. When Billy Williams retired he had, like, the 10th most homers.
Dustin Pedroia – 0-for-3, 1 RBI as the Red Sox scored 20 runs. Holy ticker tease!
Daniel Nava – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. I picked him up for a batty call yesterday, and now have a little battachment going on and might hold him through the weekend. Maybe I’ll pick up Hoes too just so I can see Nava-Hoes in my outfield and get a little giggle.
Mike Napoli – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 18th homer. Besides Pedroia, you’d be hard-pressed like overpriced juice to find someone who didn’t homer in the Sawx lineup.
Yasiel Puig – Out of the lineup again yesterday with stiffness behind his right knee. Damn, Puig! Now I know why the ladies like you!
Hyun-Jin Ryu – First, he had his start pushed back so he’d miss Coors, now he’s going to miss Cincinnati. I bet he’s good for a start vs. the Giants or Padres. Hyun-Jin is a pitching schedule Jedi.
Manny Machado – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Time in our program to take a hard look at my novio, Manny Machado. He hasn’t been bad, but 13 homers, 6 steals and a .296 average is middle infielder-ish with his fantasy value buoyed by counting stats. I still love him for next year since he’s only 21 years old, but this was some needed tough love.
Yu Darvish – 5 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. Yu got kicked in the A’s.
Coco Crisp – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer and 4th in the last ten games. Not sure how many people pay attention to book deals and whatnot, but Moneyball author, Michael Lewis, just got the okay to do a follow-up Billy Beane book called, “Make Sure Your Hitters Are Hot As F*ck In September.”
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs. Seriously, don’t go streaming against the A’s hitters right now. I was scared on Tuesday with streaming Martin Perez, but got out okay. I wouldn’t go in again right now.
Brandon Moss – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. Chapter One in the book, “Make Sure Your Hitters Are Hot As F*ck In September,” is titled, “Get A Platoon Guy Like Brandon Moss And Have Him Hit Eight Homers In The Last Ten Days.”
Allen Craig – Left the game after rolling his ankle and yelling, “Craps!” He was diagnosed with a sprained foot. Just don’t say plantar fasciitis to Cardinal fans. They dumped one of those already.
Matt Adams – 2-for-5 and two solo homers, after entering the game as a replacement for Craig. Pretty crazy how the Cardinals have a guy that’s a starter on every other team. Their cup really runneth over. Adams can sympathize though since his C cups runneth over.
Billy Hamilton – Second time he was used as a pinch runner in two games and the 2nd time he stole a base. Again, everyone in the stadium knew why he was called in. Still couldn’t stop him. He’s electric…boogie-woogie-woogie.
Francisco Liriano – 3 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. So, here’s the thing. In one of my leagues, someone maxed out all of their starts so they dropped all of their starters. I don’t understand maxing out that early by design, assuming it was by design. Any the hoo! Liriano was one of the starters they dropped. Guess who picked him up? F-Liriano. Literally.
Norichika Aoki – 3-for-5, 1 run. Someone should explain to this guy the fundamentals of fantasy. When you get on base, steal a bag! The person explaining to him fantasy should not be Hideki Matsui. Heavens knows what his idea of fantasy is.
Khris Davis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. He went ice cold there for a while. What’s cooler than being cool? Khris Davis went ice cold! But this might be a sign that he’s heating up again.
Cody Asche – 2-for-4, 1 run. Don’t worry, I won’t mention him every day for the next nine months….Or will I?! Muahahahahahahaha…
Roy Halladay – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. The results in his last game were bad (5 IP, 5 ER). Yesterday, he gave up 5 walks in 6 innings. He’s not right and I still don’t trust him. Probably just too stubborn, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see him shut down.
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, and 2nd in three games, while his brother from another N, Jordan Zimmermann (7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks). If only Robert Zimmerman were there to announce the game, would’ve be fun to see the in-booth technician try to get the mic right so you could understand Bob. “Um, try to move your seat closer but the mic back…Nope, no luck. Try to cup your hands together around your lips like you want to scream at the mic…Nope, not that either.”
Denard Span – 1-for-4 and his 13th steal and 2nd in as many games. Hey, someone pointed to his legs and said, “Use them.” About time.
Nolan Arenado – Left yesterday’s game with a jammed thumb. I love jammed apricots. Is that similar? If Arenado needs to some rest, he’ll be able to kibitz with CarGo about finger injuries and Josh Rutledge will see regular playing time with LeMahieu moving to 3rd. I know you’ve been burned, but Rutledge has been hitting since he returned. Yesterday, 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal in 3 games after hitting a homer the day before. It sure was smart of the Rockies to send him down. Almost as smart as having a defensive replacement be their best hitter.
Taijuan Walker – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. So, I went to the roofie well one too many times. Whatever, sue me for all my earnings from the pageviews for the Google keywords, “What is SAGNOF?” I don’t know why I’m being fair with Walker, but, in all fairness, he wasn’t bad. There were a few seeing-eyed singles and I might go back to him again when he faces the Astros. Yes, I have a rookie nookie problem. It’s a disease, you callous ninny!
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. I bet when he hit only one homer in his last 110+ at-bats a few of his owners wouldn’t have minded seeing him celebrate a little too emphatically.
Randall Delgado – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Mark Buehrle (6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks). I know you considered streaming both of these guys. No, you. Don’t look behind you. You can take solace in knowing that if you had streamed either of them, they both would’ve gotten rocked.
Rajai Davis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 4th homer, the 2nd in as many games. Rajai, the King of SAGNOF, lounges on his throne while Anthony Gose feeds him grapes. “Anthony, after you put the grape in my mouth, I want you to breath on it a lot and turn it into a raisin.” “Yes, your majesty.”
Jose Bautista – Blue Jays shut him down. Comatose Blue Jays Fan still likes their chances if they get deep into the playoffs with the front two starters of Dickey and Johnson. CBJF, “The loss of Bautista will be tough, but with Lawrie taking a step forward this year and Melky living up to his deal…I like our chances! I should, right?”