The other day I got an email saying I have a financial windfall coming to me from a deceased relative in Nigerian that I didn’t know. So I don’t even need to be doling out fantasy advice anymore. Take the thirty-seven cents I made yesterday from this site and shove it! I don’t need any of youse. I got dead Nigerian uncles! But, just in case, my Nigerian uncle’s money takes some time to get to me, let’s shoot the bull — lay down a little claptrap — Etch-A-Sketch on your brain with my fantasy musings on Brandon McCarthy. First off, if he goes out and mows down the White Sox tonight, he’s going to be snatched up everywhere. Don’t you think he should be owned before that so you’re the one who’s snatched him up? Second off, if he goes out tonight and gets hit, he should be on your bench and tonight’s outing should have no bearing going forward. It’s just a tune up. Third off, there’s no such thing as a third off. Fourth off, he could be a number two fantasy starter for the last 6 weeks of the season. His WHIP will be solid; his ERA should be, and I’d prefer him as a flyer than some other schmohawk rookies that could kill your ratios. Fifth off, anyone that says “First off” in a conversation is a “Jack off.” Sixth off, I don’t know if McCarthy will stay healthy. I doubt it, but that shouldn’t factor into picking him up because when he has been healthy, he’s been good. Seventh off on Project Runway will be that guy who almost made it on the previous season. Eighth off, why are we still going on with the off’s? Just go grab McCarthy. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Mike Olt – Let’s just get the rookie call up fantasies out of the way up front, shall we? My Mike Olt fantasy. I wrote it while following recipes by The Pioneer Woman.
Brett Jackson – Yes, Random Razzball Commenter, I have picked up and dropped a few of these rookies already. That doesn’t mean I would’ve dropped them in all leagues. Space is tighter in some leagues than others. You feel me? Okay, could you stop feeling me now? Oh, and my Brett Jackson fantasy. I wrote it on the back of a menu, then literally pasted it to my computer screen and you were able to read it. Cool, right?
Josh Vitters - My Josh Vitters fantasy is the same as the Brett Jackson one, but for every time you read “yay” change it to “maybe meh.”
Jean Segura – My Jean Segura fantasy. I wrote it while smoking opium from a cored out apple.
Manny Machado - I just went over my Manny Machado fantasy. I wrote it on the back of a pickup truck with Cutty.
Ruben Tejada - He’s hit in every game since July 25th and has a .323 average on the year. Somehow he also has the worst counting stats I’ve ever seen with that good of an average (37 runs, 18 RBIs). It’s like he’s hitting 8th and every time up there’s two outs with no one on, but he’s hit mostly leadoff or 2nd. I’m honestly perplexed how his counting stats are so miserable. Someone with some time of their hands should look to see if there’s ever been a leadoff guy with 300 plate appearances, a 320+ average and that few runs. I bet it’s rare. Okay, enough nerdy real baseball talk, back to nerdy fantasy baseball talk!
Erick Aybar - He’s returned from the DL and picked up right where he left off — hitting for light, but unexpected power and not running with expected speed. How’s that for selling a Buy?
Stephen Drew - Moving from Willy Aybar’s brother to J.D.’s and going from yawnstipating to mehstipating, Drew can provide some pop if he’s hot and he looks it, in the non-sexual way.
Eric Young Jr. – I’ve long admired the cut of Eric Young Jr.’s jib. Not as much as I admire anyone that uses “the cut of his jib” in everyday conversation. But pretty close. I know, right?! I’m doling out compliments today. Maybe I’m feeling all the good vibes of Friday like Rebecca Black. EYJ can steal 20 bases in the final 6 weeks. I’m not exaggerating. The only person faster in the major leagues is Mike Trout. If Tulo returns (who knows on that) and CarGo goes on a tear like he’s wont to do and if EYJ is at the top of the lineup, you could get 20 steals and 25 runs in 6 weeks. Sure, if if’s and but’s were candy-coated nuts, you’d be a diabetic squirrel, but it’s worth gambling on.
Justin Maxwell – Would you believe he’s the best hitter on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater over the last 20 days? Hmm… Would you believe he’s the best outfielder? Hmm… Would you believe he’s the best player named Justin Maxwell? Hey, you’re Maxwell smart!
David Murphy – Ron Washington said he would be starting Murphy every day for the foreseeable future. He was quoted saying, “(I’m not going to) worry about matchup stuff.” Someone’s been reading Dusty’s autobiography! Murphy is a solid guy for all five categories, while not being particularly exciting in any category. A five fantasy tool? Yeah, that doesn’t sound complimentary. It sounds like a male Medusa.
Andy Dirks – Leyland’s made ReRun an also-ran. Kew-kew-kew-kew, that’s me laughing like Rosco P. Coltrane. Dirks is hitting around .400 in the last week and not much else fantasy-wise, but average is something.
Jon Jay – The same as Dirks without the last name that sounds like an onomatopoeia of Dr. Evil dancing.
Jeremy Affeldt – Bochy saw his head’s shadow and changed closers for 6 weeks. I’d also look at Sergio Romo for some SAGNOF action.
Grant Balfour – Cook looked like he had the potential of Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers), but then all his bandmates starting doing much better with solo projects and now Cook is a fractured mess. I’d grab Ol’ Dirty Balfour or Inspectah Doolittle.
Heath Bell – It’s actually kind of funny in a not funny at all kind of way that Bell is supposed to get saves and I’d be hesitant about grabbing him in most fantasy leagues. I mean, I wouldn’t grab him in some leagues where all that is on the line is some bragging rights and the Marlins are making him a closer and they have an around $100 million payroll. What a jizzoke.
Wilton Lopez – Going for him, he was named the closer. Going against him, he may never see a ninth inning lead.
Jim Henderson – I hear the Brewers are going to a closer by committee, but they’re going to do it a little different. Whoever is holding the ball when the runs stop crossing the plate is going to be the closer.
Bartolo Colon – Now has a scoreless streak of 22 1/3 IP and his 3.38 ERA is easily pacing Zito and Millwood for veteran arms that no one wants to own but could have value.
Alex Cobb – Polar opposite to Bartolo and not just because him and another person could fit in a Smart Car. Cobb’s younger, riskier and can get wild, but he’s thrown three straight quality starts and gets Safeco next. Nom-nom.
Scott Diamond – The Stream-o-Nator says Diamond’s next start vs. the Rays is good. It said more but it had a turkey leg in its mouth, so I couldn’t understand it.
Kendrys Morales – Bit surprised to see Morales only owned in 45% of ESPN leagues. I figured he was drafted in 100% of leagues because everyone thought he was gonna be back in April, then all of those people abandoned their teams. He has 3 homers and is hitting .370 in the last week. The Morales of this story is pick him up.
Eric Chavez – He’s hitting near .500 in the last week and his rookie card value went up to a tenth of a penny. Now if my mom didn’t throw out my 200 million Eric Chavez rookie cards, I could retire.
Anyone Doe – In a lot of leagues, this is the last week to trade away players. It’s time to start making some hard choices. Mike Trout sure does dress like a world-class hitter, but if you need ERA and saves, he’s not helping you. Though Bumgarner and Fernando Rodney might. The inverse is also true, if you have Rodney, Bumgarner, Kenley Jansen and Strasburg, trade two of them for a part that could help. Most pitchers will see about 8 starts from now until the end. Most closers will be lucky to tag 10 saves onto their totals. The best hitters will be lucky to get 15/7/15 and 7 steals. Once trade deadlines pass, you’ll be left with nothing, but free agent pickups. In deep leagues, this can spell doom. (Dee oh oh em, by the way.) When your trade deadline passes, how can you make up ground in saves if you don’t have the closers? Only so many new closers will come into the league in September. Where are you getting steals from in September? Home runs? You need to make moves right now. If no one will give the parts you need, you may have to overpay. It’s not a crime to trade Trout for Rodney and Bumgarner if it gets you the championship. It’s crime to get a ten in steals and a three in Saves, if it costs you your league. Leave nothing on the table. I want everyone who is reading this to win their league. You can’t win your league because you held onto Trout when he could’ve got you a necessary piece and the title. It’s now or never, people! Make it count.