Cameron Frye called up Ned Colletti yesterday. He said, “Ned. This is Joc Pederson. Well, we’ve had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard. Matt Kemp got injured.” Ned, “Yeah I heard, and man, I’m all broken up, boy, what a blow.” “Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, it’s been a tough morning and we got a lot of business to take care of, so if you wouldn’t mind DL’ing Kemp, I’d appreciate it.” “Uh, yeah, sure, I’d be happy to, yeah you, uh, you, you, you just produce a corpse, and uh, I’ll DL Kemp, but I wanna see Salvador Perez’s dead grandmother first.” “Ned?” So, Matt Kemp did hit the DL, which has led to speculation that this will lead to the arrival of Pederson. Last night, the Dodgers played Ethier in center, but that’s not a long-term solution. But, instead of Puig or Pederson, the Dodgers called up…Wait for it… It’s right here… Hold on, I left it in my other pants… Got it! They called up Tony Gwynn Jr.! In other words, the Dodgers suck as badly as Matt Kemp. In other other words, you can grab Pederson in case Gwynn doesn’t pan out, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. In other other other words, the fly me to the moon record is skipping. Oh, and let’s not forget I told you six weeks ago to sell Kemp and ranked him very low in the preseason, so you were warned. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
A.J. Ellis – Due to pain in his left side, he could need a DL stint. Dock Ellis would’ve told him to take two of these and call me when you see the pink elephants. Ever notice how athletes with the nickname Doc were drug addicts? I wonder what Dr. J would fiend for. Shooting the rock?
Juan Francisco – Juan Francisco Is Sitting On The Dock With A DFA. He left his home in Georgia, they sent Juan Francisco away. Looks like he’s not worth rostering any more, now that…THAT no ABs are coming his way.
Chris Johnson – 1-for-3. Hello, Johnson, my old friend. Sorry, I was in the urinal and started typing what I was singing. Any hoo! Now that Juan Francisco is off to Crapsville, I’d grab Johnson — hehe — in all leagues where you need a corner infidel. He’s a solid, let’s say, Josh Donaldson-type. Hey, maybe they’re related as they both have overbearing fathers that insist on possessive last names.
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Be nice if he started to get hot. Then I can call him Freddie Mercury.
Evan Gattis – 3-for-4, 3 runs. Meanwhile, Salvador Perez helped move cars out of the driveway so his uncle could get his car out and go home.
Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners (zero walks), 6 Ks. I fell a little in love last night. Wow, is about all I can say. But I’ll try to say more. His control was impeccable. I’m kinda surprised his minor league walk rate this year was even a 2.56. He looks much closer to a very low 2, high 1. He was spotting balls on the corner and just nipping the bottom of the zone. If you get a chance, watch his start in one of those 5-minute, sped-up highlight clip packages. Even the two (!) hits he gave up were barely hit. Wacha Flocka Flame, indeed. Now I’m glad Rutledge was sent down. I got room on my Trapper Keeper for a new name!
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 6 ER. A knuckler from a guy named Dickey is perfect, so him and his 5.18 ERA can go f**k themselves. Or as his owners like to say, “R.A. Dickey? Yes, you are!” Honestly, I’m completely perplexed about what to expect from Dickey, but that was why I told you not to draft him. No one has any idea what he’s going to do, not even him. Even worse, you have no idea when to start him. Just because he threw a 6 IP, 6 ER game last night, it has no bearing on what he’ll do next time out.
Eric Chavez – Diagnosed with a strained oblique. You think he’s the all-mighty Hugo Chavez, and he sneezes too hard and he’s back to Yugo Chavez.
Paul Goldschmidt – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Au Shizz!
David Murphy – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer in the last ten games. He’s not going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell because he’s here now. Act like you know, MC Lyte!
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, batting .286. On the fo’relly, look at your Konerko, Howard, Tex, Berkman or whoever is on the casino bus on your team, then look at Moreland’s stats.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal. Savor everything you get from Cruz now, because at some point he will have a day-to-day hammy issue that will last for 6 weeks.
Jurickson Profar – 3-for-4, 1 run, batting .370. Forget that Leury Whateveralez shouldn’t play in front of Profar. Andrus shouldn’t either!
Trevor Plouffe – To the DL with a calf strain right after coming back from the 7-day concussion DL. A calf strain? Riiiiight. Why don’t they just make the concussion DL 15 days long and stop with the nonsense?
Jon Niese – Was scratched due to shoulder soreness and is probably headed to the DL, which would force him to miss his upcoming two starts vs. the Marlins. Niese just doesn’t want you to like him. Shouldn’t have had his nose done, would’ve been easier for him to play the heavy.
Giancarlo Stanton – He went from functional running (which is going to the john and whatnot) to light running (which is when you try to run but really slowly) to stopping his rehab program due to sore knees. If MLB just allowed one player per team to use a Segway — as I’ve suggested numerous times! — this wouldn’t be an issue. Hopefully, Stanton should be back on his would-look good-shaven legs in no time.
Jacob Turner – Will come up to start on Friday for the Marlins. Our prospect writer, Scott, wrote about Turner, “His stuff isn’t overwhelming, but he mixes four pitches well and displays advanced command. If, for instance, Grey was in a dunk tank, Turner could hit the bull’s eye and Grey would emerge from the water with a wet t-shirt and rock hard nipples.” Wow, I didn’t remember that last part at all. As with most guys that possess control but not elite stuff, Turner’s upside is limited. Marlins also limit his win potential. Obviously, he’s a must own in NL-Only leagues, but I’d wait and see in mixed leagues.
Chris Archer – Will start vs. the Indians on Saturday, but there’s nothing confirmed beyond that. The Indians are one of the top offenses in the major leagues, so it’ll be a nice test for Archer, but not on my team. One thing the Rays are not lacking is young front-line starters. Archer is yet another one. He can throw 97 MPH with ease. His command is wonky at times, so don’t ask Archer to knock an apple off your head. Whether or not you pick him up will come down to how comfortably you’re sitting after Odorizzi. Saturday’s start will be either 8 IP, 2 ER and 10 Ks or 5 IP, 6 ER and 7 Ks.
Alexander Colome – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. I don’t know why there’s so much hype about Archer and Jake Odorizzi compared to Colome. I watched the entire Colome start and he looked a ton better than Odorizzi (I haven’t seen Archer yet). As Rhett Miller would say, Colome, uncross your heart. Yes, it was the Marlins, but it was the same Marlins that wafted Odorizzi’s stank into your face. I came away far more impressed with Colome. He effortlessly throws 96 MPH with movement. This wasn’t just weak hitters. This was a lights out starter. Not lights out with a starter motor, Hitter-Tron, stop humping my car!
Matt Joyce – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and the slam (9) and legs (4). I don’t know what else to say for you to pick him up, but I’m still getting questions about him. Here’s the best of what I have left: he’s on pace for 27/12/.260. That’s Nelson Cruz, and Joyce’s been better than Jay Bruce.
Dillon Gee – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks. The train’s already left the station, you can’t stop the locomotive that is Wheeler! Bee tee dubya, this is Dillon Gee. Okay, now turn your computer upside down, and this is Dillon Gee.
Marlon Byrd – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. Hot bats come in all different shapes and flocks.
Vidal Nuno – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA is at 2.25. Yeah, he’s looked good in his first few starts, but that girl who keyed “Tiny D*ck” on your Camaro seemed normal at first too.
Hunter Pence – 2-for-3, 1 run. He hit his 9th homer on Wednesday, so you know what he did yesterday? Stole his 9th base. He then washed his hands 9 times and tapped the doorknob 9 times before leaving the bathroom.
Coco Crisp – 3-for-5 and his 11th steal. Considering he’s already missed time due to an injury, he’s having a solid season (5 HRs, .284, 11 steals). His rest of the season projections on his player page and our rest of the season Player Rater is a lot more bearish than I’d be with him, but I’m guessing it’s considering he will get hurt again. Oh, well, I guess the rest of the season Player Rater does know the future and all. ROS Player Rater, “I knew you’d say that.” Creepy!
Homer Bailey – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Ugh, does he have to have at least one of these kind of start every few months? Not only are you hurting our fantasy teams, but now I have to answer two dozen Jarrod Parker or Homer Bailey questions. Be a soldier, Bailey!
Scott Kazmir – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. He’s been really solid, huh? Well, he has a 5.13 ERA, so you ain’t paying attention, son. No relation to Josh Donaldson.
Dan Haren – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 5.09. Wasn’t that Jenny’s area code?
Josh Hamilton – Out again with back spasms. My mom’s a chiropractor and the one thing she always stresses is don’t carry your wallet in your back pocket. This is even more important when you’re carrying around $123 million.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 3-for-4, 1 run and 5 steals. Not a typo. He broke the Red Sox record of four steals that was held by Jerry Remy. RemDawg still holds the record for cracking himself up 84 times in one game.
David Ortiz – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Ortiz played 1st in an NL park, which was unexpected, so I’ll say it for you…sonavabench!
Luis Valbuena – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 6th homer. In part-time duty, he’s been better than Mostsuckass. When I see Moustakas out of baseball in three years at his landscaping job, I’m going to empty one of his leaf bags.
Travis Wood – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, 2.75 ERA on the year. He would’ve been a better draft pick than Yovani. *calls Kimbo Slice ‘Jimbo’ so he punches me in the head*
Jeff Locke – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA is at 2.25. I’ve been rockin’ Locke in (I’m a poet and I’m aware of it!) for about 4 starts. Haven’t even thought about it. Just put him in my lineup and left him there. Pop and Locke, baby, pop and Locke.
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks. Look at Fister with the punch-outs! How appropriate.
Kyle Lohse – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. This comes after he had elbow soreness. Can you say Disgraceful List? If you can’t, how about Disgracefulo Listo? Oh, well, all I know is English and Spanish.
Chris Parmelee – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last 4 games. Parmelee’s pretty mediocre, and doesn’t take kindly to being called Chicken Parmelee. Who needs that?
Brian Dozier – 1-for-4, 2 runs and a slam and legs. Dozier is French for “put fantasy owners to sleep.”
Andrew Cashner – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. The only thing worse than a pitchslap is getting HR’d on by Brendan Ryan in Petco. It’s the difference between beginner’s luck and incompetence struck.
Endy Chavez – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. The odds of a homer to Brendan Ryan and Endy Chavez in the same game at Petco are like one in a million. Don’t even think about Chavez. For fantasy, he’s a dead Endy.
Nick Franklin – 2-for-4 with two solo homers. Wait a second, for Franklin’s home run call, I have to roll a cigarette pack up in my white t-shirt. Okay, I’m ready… Bombie Franklin! Yeah, I’d grab him in all leagues. Yes, immediately.
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. You can go back to Moreland’s blurb and look at all of those guys riding the casino bus. Kendrys has been better than them too. Shoot, when I sent you back up to Moreland’s blurb, I forgot to tell you to come back here after. Damn, we might have lost a few of you.
Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks in Petco. Oh, shizz, I feel a freestyle coming on…. *beat boxes for a moment* Runs were hard to come by, scrapes, the Padres were mixed up, drapes. As soon as F-Her took the mound, no means to an ends. Chandeliers? Put a lamp shade on Kyle Blanks head, now you need curtains.
J.D. Martinez – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. He’s been smoking hot recently, but that might be the Coors factor. Even while being hot, he still has only 2 homers and zero steals in the last ten games. It’s a’ight. Give him a roll if you’re desperate.
Matt Dominguez – 1-for-4 with a homer. Sonavadrop! Damn, I picked him up for yesterday’s Rockies game, but dropped him before this one. Oh, well, I did have Nick Franklin. Natch, amigos! Or natchos, if you enjoy portmanteaus.
Hideki Matsui – The Yanks will sign him for one day so he can retire as a Yankee. The Yanks were happy to grant him a one day contract, but they drew the line when he asked for Ichiro to dress as Mothra.