I love when I tell you to pick up a player and he comes up days later. It makes me smile, and not one of those weird Japanese emoji smiles, but a full-faced grin. So, Andrew Heaney, you’re already okay in my book, even if that book is called, “Rookie Pitchers Will Fill You With Enthusiasm Until They Actually Pitch For Your Fantasy Team.” If you missed my Andrew Heaney fantasy with Friday’s Buy, where were you? Playing Patty Cake without your hands on the dance floor to Jason Derulo’s Wiggle song? Good story, brah. You should turn that into a novella. I’m giggling with excitement for Heaney like I’m Lisa Simpson, only instead of hehe I’m going HeHeaney. Pitching his home games in Crayola Canyon won’t hurt him, and the NL East is filled with a bunch of sad, sad hitting teams. Didja know the Marlins are the best NL East hitting team, and it’s not close? Fact! The Braves, Phillies, Nats and Mets could hold a two week round robin tournament and score less runs than goals scored in the World Cup. I went over the dangers of rookie pitchers in my Friday Buy, and what Heaney’s been doing this year in the minors. It’s all there. I will say now he should be owned in every league and is capable of winning the NL Rookie of the Year in only a little over a half a season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Randy Wolf – Designated for assignment to make room for Heaney. Score this one a win for Team Edward.
Jacob Turner – Was moved to the bullpen. I guess score this one for Team Edward too.
Kevin Slowey – Was also designated for assignment. In related news, the Marlins President, David Samson decided to run his team and skip trying out for anymore reality shows.
Anthony DeSclafani – Was also called up. He’ll join Eovaldi in the Marlins rotation and for espressos. Fresh off the boat from the minors (and probably Staten Island), DeSclafani has streamer appeal with solid control and just-above-meh strikeouts.
Jake Marisnick – 2-for-6, 1 run and two steals as he led off and replaced the DL’d Yelich. I loved Marisnick last year, probably a bit more than even Yelich. This year in Triple-A he had six homers and 17 steals while batting .264. He’s more than ready for the majors, but once Yelich returns, he’ll probably be out. Not to mention, he’ll always live in the shadow of his former teammate Jake Mantlenick.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and the slam (19) & legs (5). Only 17 more to go!
Starlin Castro – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Castro must feel at home in Miami. The Ghost of Joe McCarthy, “I can don a bed sheet with the eyes cut out and be there by morning.”
Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Marlins, which comes after he threw 7 IP, 0 ER vs. the Marlins two starts ago. Hammel is starter Russian roulette. Do your best Christopher Walken impersonation, spin your mouse scroll wheel and press submit on your fantasy team.
Matt Wieters – Out for the year with Tommy John surgery. Probably caught it from one of his pitchers.
Wei-Yin Chen – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. Jake Odorizzi (5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks) in a matchup that only happened because fantasy baseballers needed two start starters for this week. “I demand some low-rent starters pitch twice–Mom, lower your soap operas, I’m talking to Bud Selig!” That’s you.
Jake McGee – How could the Rays bullpen get any more confusing? There’s no way, you say. Well, you don’t know how it went down yesterday. Grant Balfour entered the 8th inning in a 3-2 game, gave two singles and got an out, making way for McGee, who walked his first batter, gave up an infield single to let the O’s tie the game, blowing the save in theory, and then got the next two guys. The Rays then came back to take the lead and the pitcher formerly known as Leo Nunez, Juan Carlos Oviedo, got the save after giving up a home run. So what does that mean? I don’t have a clue, Professor Plum. I think McGee might be used in the ninth when there’s mostly lefties, Oviedo could be the closer when there’s righties and Balfour and Peralta are out of the picture. Or none of that. It’s a shituation of closerousel proportions.
Yunel Escobar – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Stop making Cano look bad!
Michael Brantley – Left yesterday’s game after sliding his head into a knee. You’re not even going to believe whose knee he slid into — John “Knees Of Steel” McDonald! The same guy who kneed Morneau in the head and sent him to the DL for three months. Does McDonald have to register his knees with the authorities? This guy shouldn’t be allowed back on the field until he has elective surgery to make his legs go from his thighs to his shins or until he can hop over a two-foot high bar. Old McDonald had a knee, e, i, e, i, ow! Get your damn knees out of the way!
Trevor Bauer – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks. Doode’s a WHIPping nightmare, and it’s not like the rest of his shizz is doing anything that great.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. When a 1-for-4 raises your average in June, you got yourself in a world of yuck the first two months.
Jered Weaver – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 3.67. So happy to see his ERA finally start to catch up with his peripherals after all of those years that he outperformed them. It’s cosmic retribution–Ow! Damn, I just stubbed my toe. Hey, what did I do?
Bronson Arroyo – Hit the DL for the first time in his 15-year career with elbow tendinitis. There goes the theory that he’d never go on the DL as long as he kept his flowing Samson-esque locks.
Eric Young – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the DL, and Terry Collins hit Young 9th after the pitcher. Oh, and because Young can’t have anything nice, Juan Lagares took batting practice yesterday. If you ever see Young, he’s probably wearing a scarf because there’s someone always breathing down his neck.
Jacob deGrom – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Oddly enough, deGrom was also a discontinued Ikea desk that crumbled under pressure.
Joe Kelly – About two to three weeks away. This could mean Kelly goes to the bullpen with Jaime Garcia staying in the rotation or Garcia is hurt by then. Pretend I’m at a hardware store because my money’s on the latter.
Jon Jay – 2-for-3, 3 runs, hitting close to .400 in the last week, but not playing every day, which brings up a more appropriate nickname than The Federalist, Not-Every-Day Jon Jay. Okay, more appropriate but not nearly as dorky.
Allen Craig – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .264. So, he’s not going to get to .280 by June 17th as I predicted unless he goes 10-for-10 today. You win. Let me know where to send you your winnings. As soon as my face is on a stamp, I’ll mail it out to you.
Matt Adams – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, but didn’t homer for the fourth day in a row. If he had, Oxford English Dictionary was going to put his picture next to the definition of zaftig.
James Paxton – Announced that he’s 3 to 4 weeks away. If Taijuan’s announced recovery time and actual recovery time is any indication, Paxton will return by July of 2017.
Buster Posey – He hopes to return today, after taking a foul ball off his head. “Hey, some people can make a good living off of that,” said Jenna Jameson.
Christian Bethancourt – The Braves are considering promoting their young catcher and moving Gattis to the outfield and B.J. Upton to the bench. This would help primarily for defense behind the plate and defense against lispers rooting to the Braves, because Bethancourt is a mouthful. The plus defense this would provide behind the plate, it would prolly subtract in the outfield. Yuniesky Betancourt’s brother from a mother with a lisp seems to me like a young Yadier Molina, which is bleh for most fantasy leagues.
Julio Teheran – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.31 and he took the no decision because the Braves are pathetic. Did Fredi Gonzalez lose a bet? Get Heyward and B.J. out of the one and two spots in the lineup already!
Chris Johnson – 3-for-5, hitting over .400 in the last week. He has next to no power and speed, but can hit for a high average for an extended period of time if that’s your sorta thing. Don’t worry, we won’t judge you. Boring!
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.78. I was deathly scared of his shoulder tendinitis in the preseason, but he looks fine. Mea culpa. Or is it ‘me a righto’ because his last four starts have been against the Mets, Padres, Reds and Braves, easily some of the worst teams in the league? In fact — and this might blow your mind — the Padres are the best offense of those four. Holy schnike balls!
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.98. If I told you, say, Tyler Skaggs had a 4.98 ERA, 1.56 WHIP and a lousy 6 Ks per nine, you wouldn’t even think about holding onto him. Before I did the drop, I’d see if I could get anything in a trade for him. Maybe pepper the trade proposal with “Remember what he did last year in the 2nd half?” Better make it fast though because he’s likely headed to the Disgraceful List. Watch, he’ll suddenly claim he has a sore elbow from running into John McDonald’s knee.
Rajai Davis – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 20th steal. The King of SAGNOF was in line to get into the privy after Tywin.
Jason Vargas – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.25. The Stream-o-Nator didn’t love this start, but it does like his next one. I don’t. I don’t trust Vargas at all, but he does have four straight quality starts. Four STRAIGHT quality starts! Sorry, was trying to talk myself into him. Still not working.
Omar Infante – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Omar’s comin’ yo!
Alex Gordon – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting .286 with 7 homers and 4 steals on the year, which would be terrific from my middle infielder but you were supposed to be my 2nd outfielder. Man, this guy is tough to own. When did he become Nick Markakis?
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 18th steal, hitting .289. If I didn’t drop Aoki like a cold schmotato about three weeks ago, I’d be harping on Escobar moving to the top of the lineup, but this is all really about me.
Billy Butler – 2-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs. He’s always hit Verlander well because Verlander used to look at Butler’s chest and think of Kate Upton, but now Verlander throws like her.
Lorenzo Cain – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. He had only one hit in the entire previous week, so Cain…Splenda, let’s see him do more.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting over .400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Wily Peralta – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, and ERA at 2.98 as he beat Brandon McCarthy (7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.18). That’s Brandon McCarthy’s season in a nutshell, well, in a parenthesis.
David Peralta – 2-for-4, 1 run, and now 5-for-8 on my team. Granted, I’ve only owned him twice in a week on short schedule days. Goodbye, Peralta, until Thursday.
Drew Pomeranz – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies can’t get enough of Pinterest, they’ve seen Lady Gaga in concert fifteen times and they will rip your heart out.
Brandon Moss – 2-for-5 and his 17th homer. I just saw a glimpse of the future. It was brief but I believe I saw the date was 2018 and Moss was DH’ing for the Yankees. Oh, wait, he’s being pinch hit for, and here comes…Jason Giambi?
Alberto Callaspo – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. This might be the start of something, but for the preceding ten days– Strike that, for the whole season so far, he’s been Callaspoo.
Michael Choice – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd on a short schedule day in the last week, which was the only hit he got all of last week. Someone’s trying to motivate Colby Rasmus to return.
Robinson Chirinos – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. At least one Robinson is still hitting for power.
Donnie Murphy – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers (3, 4). Look at Donnie going full Lonnie.
Jason Kubel – Twins cut him, which is like getting rejected by a Cougar in a fertility clinic.
Rubby De La Rosa – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (1 Hit), 3 Ks. Doesn’t Rubby De La Rosa sound like a Spanish porn name? That’s what the Bumbleebee Man went by prior to the bee suit. “Ay! Naranjas en la cabeza. Oh, yeah, muy cabeza.” Any the hoo! Three walks and three Ks isn’t good and this was against the Twins. Adios, Rubby!
Tyson Ross – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Don’t feed a Hodgepadre after midnight, don’t expose him to sunlight and don’t, under any circumstances, start him in away games.
Brad Miller – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. All joking aside, if he wasn’t hitting in the .170’s, he’d be right in line with the power and– Sorry, I couldn’t even get through that sentence. In the .170’s?! Oy. Abe Vigoda can’t even find anything nice to say about this Miller.
Kyle Seager – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and the slam (10) and legs (4). Yes, it was only two days ago you wanted him off your team. Yes, he’s been about as good as Adrian Beltre, according to our Player Rater. And, yes, you should be embarrassed.
Chad Billingsley – Out for the year with a torn flexor tendon in his elbow, an injury that occurred while he was working his way back from Tommy John surgery. Damn, the Fantasy Baseball Overlord is working overtime. FBO said, “It’s either this or playing Candy Crush.”
Dee Gordon – 4-for-4, 2 runs. He’s pffting at his naysayers right now. Pfft, pfft hooray!
Wilin Rosario – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer. About time. I thought maybe his abuelita passed away and no one told us.
Kyle Parker – The Rockies called him up to play outfield because they’re lacking outfielders. Ow, I just hurt my brain from a vicious eye roll.