And just like with the Wayan Brothers, the Marlins like sequels. This offseason is a sequel to 1997′s spending spree. We’ll call this one, “Don’t Be A Miser In South Florida While Drinking Your Profits In The Hood.” Mark Buehrle signed on with the Marlins for $58 million. The Marlins are currently acting like they are under the ownership of Montgomery Brewster. Jeffrey Loria is investing so much, Bernie Madoff probably wishes he was back in the game. It’s like Loria is investing all the money that Wilpon lost. Last year Buehrle had his 3rd straight year of a K-rate under 5. He’s about as bleh as pitchers get. Anyway, here’s some more moves from the Winter Meetings for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Huston Street – Traded to the Padres for a player to be named later. I think the PTBNL in the Street deal will be an undocumented worker from a meat processing plant. Gotta keep Dante Bichette’s Inferno Hot Dog stand stocked up. No one wants a repeat of the hot dogs with drifter meat from the Larry Walker Ranch. Assuming Street will be healthy, he’ll be more than suitable as a closer. Assuming Street will be healthy is like assuming you could sleep with Jessica Alba if she knew your name.
Rafael Betancourt – Even before Street was traded, Betancourt was tabbed to be the Rockies closer. Now it’s official. Hopefully he can put all talk of him being a cuddle boy behind him.
Francisco Rodriguez – Chose the money and to set-up Axford. Definitely shows that competitive spirit that they teach the youngsters on the T-Ball fields is alive and well. Just not with K-Rod. See, it shows it in the negation.
C.J. Wilson – It wasn’t a done deal as of bedtime (around midnight PST. I trim my mustache from 10 to 11, then I lather my mustache from 11:00 to 11:15 then– well, that’s not important), but it sounds like Wilson is signing with the Halos. My Christian friends tell me that’s the Angels. Hallelujah! So what does this mean for Wilson’s value? I’m glad you asked, Clunky Set-Up Question. Dempster originally confounded me about so-so relievers becoming starters, then Wilson turned my t-shirt that reads “I’m confounded” inside out and ripped off the tag. If Wilson can do what he just did calling Arlington home, no reason he can’t do it in Bobby Grichville. He dropped his walks from 4.10 per 9 to 2.98 and upped his Ks from 7.50 to 8.30. Guys and three girl readers, that’s a recipe for success. I could see him putting up a line of 14-8/3.45/1.21/190.
Hanley Ramirez – Was demanding more money to change positions. What do you ask for here? An extra $750,000 for each foot you have to move to the right? They should tell Hanley that 3rd base is a shorter run to get to balls down the line. Maybe that’ll convince him.
Lastings Milledge – Signed with the Tokyo Swallows. I look forward to his upcoming rap single, “Grab Crotch, Spit and Swallows.”