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And just like with the Wayan Brothers, the Marlins like sequels.  This offseason is a sequel to 1997′s spending spree.  We’ll call this one, “Don’t Be A Miser In South Florida While Drinking Your Profits In The Hood.”  Mark Buehrle signed on with the Marlins for $58 million.  The Marlins are currently acting like they are under the ownership of Montgomery Brewster.  Jeffrey Loria is investing so much, Bernie Madoff probably wishes he was back in the game.  It’s like Loria is investing all the money that Wilpon lost.  Last year Buehrle had his 3rd straight year of a K-rate under 5.  He’s about as bleh as pitchers get.  Anyway, here’s some more moves from the Winter Meetings for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Huston Street – Traded to the Padres for a player to be named later.  I think the PTBNL in the Street deal will be an undocumented worker from a meat processing plant.  Gotta keep Dante Bichette’s Inferno Hot Dog stand stocked up.  No one wants a repeat of the hot dogs with drifter meat from the Larry Walker Ranch.  Assuming Street will be healthy, he’ll be more than suitable as a closer.   Assuming Street will be healthy is like assuming you could sleep with Jessica Alba if she knew your name.

Rafael Betancourt – Even before Street was traded, Betancourt was tabbed to be the Rockies closer.  Now it’s official.  Hopefully he can put all talk of him being a cuddle boy behind him.

Francisco Rodriguez – Chose the money and to set-up Axford.  Definitely shows that competitive spirit that they teach the youngsters on the T-Ball fields is alive and well.  Just not with K-Rod.  See, it shows it in the negation.

C.J. Wilson – It wasn’t a done deal as of bedtime (around midnight PST.  I trim my mustache from 10 to 11, then I lather my mustache from 11:00 to 11:15 then– well, that’s not important), but it sounds like Wilson is signing with the Halos.  My Christian friends tell me that’s the Angels.  Hallelujah!  So what does this mean for Wilson’s value?  I’m glad you asked, Clunky Set-Up Question.  Dempster originally confounded me about so-so relievers becoming starters, then Wilson turned my t-shirt that reads “I’m confounded” inside out and ripped off the tag.  If Wilson can do what he just did calling Arlington home, no reason he can’t do it in Bobby Grichville.  He dropped his walks from 4.10 per 9 to 2.98 and upped his Ks from 7.50 to 8.30.  Guys and three girl readers, that’s a recipe for success.  I could see him putting up a line of 14-8/3.45/1.21/190.

Hanley Ramirez – Was demanding more money to change positions.  What do you ask for here?  An extra $750,000 for each foot you have to move to the right?  They should tell Hanley that 3rd base is a shorter run to get to balls down the line.  Maybe that’ll convince him.

Lastings Milledge – Signed with the Tokyo Swallows.  I look forward to his upcoming rap single, “Grab Crotch, Spit and Swallows.”

  1. chata says:
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    it might be a bit early , but my new year’s eve wish is to see ozzie
    bench hanley for not hustling ….. just once .

  2. Tony says:
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    #1 i hate Miami, mainly due to they bought Lebron, or lebrons “talents” if you will…. but for some reason Miami doesn’t make me mad spending money on their baseball team. Every player they buy is someone the Red Sox and Yankees dont get. How good is the team they’re really building? They got Josh Johnson who can’t stay healthy, an old underwhelming Buerhle, a cancer in the dugout Hanley, reyes is a stud “when healthy”….. they’ve got alot of issues, and we didn’t even mention they’re going to be managed by OZZIE!

    #2 CJ Wilson is going to get 90 million ish? LOL what is the world coming to, marlins are committing franchise suicide signing all these so-so players for this much cash. And the angels want in too!

    #3 Pujols is staying in STL. Marlins out, why go to the angels? Deal done before friday at noon….

  3. chata says:
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    the marlins are spending like congress .
    it will be interesting to see their approval rating .

  4. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:
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    I know we’re not supposed to ever understand Ozzie, but how can you tell Hanley he’s you’re number one guy in one breath, and then in the next breath tell him he needs to learn a new position to make room for the new guy?

    Real World? Survivor?

  5. Tony says:
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    @Awesomus Maximus: hanley needs put in his place, if they could move him, i’d cut the cancer…. Personally I just dont understand how its such an ego issue for some of these guys. SLIDE OVER, play 3B, help your team, be glad they’re spending 100′s of millions to get you help in the line up. Such babies. Hanleys lazy anyways, you’d think he’d enjoy the idea of moving less on the field? BEST: he puts up crappy #’s last year, causes all kinds of controversy, now wants his contract redone because he has to move position….

  6. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:
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    @Tony: I don’t disagree with you… I just don’t understand Ozzie logic. If Hanley’s your number one guy, don’t screw with him. If you’re screwing with him, he’s not your number one guy. It’s like telling Josh Johnson you want him to start pitching middle relief to make room for Buehrle.

    Moving less on the field is a plus, but I’m sure he’s pissed about having to throw the ground balls a longer distance.

  7. JeffFromTallahassee says:
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    Wow.. Pujols signs with the Angels.. 10 years, 250-260 million..

  8. royce! says:
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    Pujols to Angels for 250 million over 10 years.

  9. royce! says:
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    Sad Trumbo(ne)…

  10. Tony says:
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    @royce!: JUST SAW….. WOW

    I did not see him leaving STL, but how could he pass up 20-40 more million than others were offering?

    Now where does Prince “flop”.

    Does MIA go after and offer 220 ish to him OR does he go be a cubby? or maybe STL?

  11. peter says:
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    @royce!: You beat me to that one.

  12. mrobs says:
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    @royce!: el oh el

  13. The Talented Mr. Dope Man says:
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    ANGELS! Unbelievable!

    What does that mean for Trumbo? Or maybe it speaks more to the teams lack of confidence in Kendry actually returning to form? (They already said Trumbo will play 3rd).

    Also possible, Albert 1b, Trumbo 3b, Kendry DH (Abreu is SOO OLD)

  14. Eddy says:
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    Already looked: Pujols plays 10 games at Arlington.

    Sweet Jesus.

  15. The Talented Mr. Dope Man says:
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    CJ Wilson just officially signed with Angels as well…

  16. Schmohawks Bob says:
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    As a lifelong Angels fan, I’m not sure what excites me more – the signing of Albert and C.J., or the shedding of Jeff Mathis.

  17. Wake Up says:
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    @Schmohawks Bob: Just wait til Iannetta goes 0 for 20 and Sciocsia takes over behind the dish…btw…just found out that his middle name is Lorri???

  18. Wake Up says:
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    Angels Exhausted in the Outfield.

    T Hunter 36
    B Abreu 38
    V Wells 33 today(that’s at least 36 metric) Happy Birthday and thanks again for that 2007 season!
    Pujols 32 (Cuantos anos?)
    Kendrysss (dude’s at least 34, let’s be honest)
    The ghost of Tom Vlad is still weeble wobbling around in the clubhouse somewhere, when he’s not performing the coin toss at the Dust Bowl.

  19. Schmohawks Bob says:
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    @Wake Up: Hunter and Abreu come off the books next year. Kendry is not close to 34, but he comes off the books too.

    Wells is the worst contract in history. No way to explain that one away. I think they should just DFA the bum and move on (notwithstanding the great year he gave me two years ago as a 20th rounder).

  20. peter says:
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    After La Russa retired, who else could Pujols play for but Scioscia?

  21. Tony says:
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    pujols and wilson now….

    unreal, big moves for the angels, apparently when they missed out on crawford last year they weren’t happy.

    marlins need pitching a JJ and Buerhle aint gonna do it.

    I love the yankees and boston aren’t getting anyone this offseason so far.

  22. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Wake Up: Ha!

    @peter: True

    @Tony: The Marlins’ pitching would’ve got better with just JJ getting healthy. Buerhle doesn’t do much. They do need one more arm, but at the All-Star Break they can trade for one, or dump their whole team again.

  23. mlb says:
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    Grey, love the stache and the sight, looking forward to next years ranks.

    In the mean time, Dynasty (5×5 plus OPS, Holds) quesition:

    Ian Kennedy FOR Mike Morse and Erick Aybar

  24. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @mlb: Kennedy

  25. mlb says:
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    Thanks for the super quick response! My thoughts as well.

  26. The Talented Mr. Dope Man says:
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    hearing that the Marlins outbid the Angels on both Wilson and Pujols, but they still both chose the Angels… Maybe Ozzie is scaring away players already?

  27. If Han-Ram the Ham-Man moves to third base, he could have something to sit on between batters. That’s how I would sell him on it (and I would leave beef jerky under the bag, too).

  28. Cole says:
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    Hey Grey do you recommend any sushi restaurants on the vegas strip. I did Tao last time i was there and liked it. I’m staying at the Venetian so that would be convenient I guess.

  29. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:
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    @Grey: Figures… this is one week where I’m dying to talk Real World more than Survivor. Hope you DVR’d both episodes… I didn’t even know there were going to be two new ones back-to-back. Bonus!

    Kind of an expected week from Survivor. It was great to see another Hantz weasel working that family charm… just confirms our suspicions that a tribe full of them would be awesome. Cochran’s sobbing… genuine, or an attempt to parlay audience sympathy for some Fan Favorite prize money?

  30. chata says:
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    @Awesomus Maximus:

    the voices that little hantz is hearing , inside his head , are getting
    louder and louder .
    maybe it will only manifest itself by giving him migraines … forcing
    him to lie down .
    just to be on the safe side , they should start drilling holes in his head
    to relieve the pressure .

  31. The Talented Mr. Dope Man says:
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    @Grey: What’s your thoughts on Kelly Johnson, he accepted arbitration for Toronto and will be there starting 2b. I have him in a keeper league for $18 (AL only).

    I love his power, but can’t put up with the .220 average. any chance he ever gets back to his 2010 stats (.283, 26hr, 71rbi, 13sb). If not i’m going to trade him for Derek Holland ($9).

    Thoughts? thoughts on trade?

  32. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @mlb: No problem.

    @The Talented Mr. Dope Man: Eh, think it was just a money thing.

    @ChrisV82: I like it! Maybe put some arm rests on there.

    @Cole: I live in LA with has the best sushi so I don’t do sushi in Vegas. Can try Nobu…

    @Awesomus Maximus: Cochran’s tears seemed real. I’m getting kinda annoyed with Survivor. Ozzie should be back in the game already and they’re just picking off people and who cares about Rick? Is that even his name? Eh, I still love the show. I hope I got both episodes of The Real World, I had no idea.

  33. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @The Talented Mr. Dope Man: I don’t love Johnson for $18 but don’t love Holland either.

  34. chata says:
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    @Grey:

    that’s what i was saying , weeks ago , about redemption island .

    they should change it to 3 or 4 successful challenges , and you’re back in .
    hell , there’s enough time to allow 2 merges coming back from
    redemption island .
    the concept is ok , their execution just sucks .

  35. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:
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    @Grey: Yeah, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I don’t like the distraction of Redemption this late in the game. If I were playing though, I’d be super pissed if everyone before me got the opportunity to get back in the game, but then the week I get voted off they pull Redemption out of the picture. I like the sentiment of Redemption, but I think it needs to be reworked.

    @chata: I think Little Hantz might need something even more radical than trepanation to muffle those voices.

  36. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:
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    @Grey: Oh, and my wife and I have been joking for months whenever Rick comes on screen that he’s a cameraman who dropped his gear and snuck into the game. He might be the biggest non-player of all time.

  37. Cosmo says:
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    @Tony:
    Yup, the deal WAS done before Friday, but not with St.Louis. And Miami didn’t get Wilson either. O for 2. Go Angels!

  38. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @chata: Yeah, not crazy about Redemption in any form. I like when you’re done, you’re done.

    @Awesomus Maximus: It really just needed Cochran to upset Ozzie and I would’ve loved Redemption but since that didn’t happen I was bitter.

    @Awesomus Maximus: That’s hilarious! He’s totally a camerman.

    @Steve: Ha

  39. chata says:
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    @Steve:

    following that lozano link is interesting , but murky .

  40. royce! says:
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    So what the Angels got Pujols and Wilson? The Padres might get Drew Cumberland back! http://mlb.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20111202&content_id=26083230&vkey=news_mlb&c_id=mlb

    You OC folks might as well move south since the real action will be in SD!

    (Seriously, though, while this might not be huge for the Padres, it is great news for Cumberland. It was very sad that a neurological condition caused him to retire before making the bigs.)

  41. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @royce!: Wow, that condition sounds terrible… Good for him, and thank God he’s not as ugly as Khalil.

  42. Steve says:
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    The Mini Mini Donkey has turned into a Cub.

  43. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: Odd Epstein move.

  44. Steve says:
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    @Grey: Everything’s gonna seem like a bit of a letdown after David DeJesus.

  45. Steve says:
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    @Steve: Though if you do a Google image search for his wife, I think you’ll have a new-found respect for him.

  46. royce! says:
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    @Grey: Ha! Khalil’s a once in a lifetime looker!

    Their “cure” for the condition sounds as hilarious as the condition sounds terrible. Fish oil and video games? (Also funny that the article says that he has to “tak[e] brain games online.”)

  47. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: Not bad, Mini Mini Donkey. Not bad at all.

    @royce!: Ha, hadn’t read that far into the article to find the cure. That sounds also like the cure for the munchies.

  48. Steve says:
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    @Grey: Oh – was actually referring to David OfJesus, but strong play from MMD for sure.

  49. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: Oh, wow, she’s smoking.

  50. DWRlovesKAR_OLR says:
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    @Grey
    First time reader and poster!
    This may be an odd question this time of year.
    In a 12 team two catcher format and six OF league. I’m going to have the 11th pick.
    I’m hoping to snag a 1st baseman in round one, have Andrew McCutchen with my 2nd round pick and snag Zimmerman in the 3rd.
    My question is say it’s the fourth round. How would you rank these options I’m looking at for that pick.
    McCann, B Phillips, Jay Bruce and King Felix
    Thanks!

  51. nyydj2 says:
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    @Steve: Thanks for the Deadspin link on the anti-Albert Mozart fan, mainly cuz there was another great link at the end of it, on his totally sleazeball agent, this is a great read here:

    http://deadspin.com/5861982

  52. YourMomsBoyfriend says:
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    @DWRlovesKAR_OLR:

    personally, i think bruce is in line for a monster year. but 4th round seems about right for Felix. No on McCann that early. Ditto with Phillips.

    just my 0.02

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