It seems like every year around this time I make Mark Teixeira a prime breakout candidate. Why can’t he hit in April? Does he need mittens? His last three Aprils have produced a .245 average and 9 homers in 261 ABs. No other month is close to that bad. Last year, he got it going in May. The year before he waited until June. At some point, he’s always turns on the heat. His park is terrific, his lineup equally so. He’s always healthy, his HR/FB and BABIP are both low for him. Yadda3. There’s no reason to think there won’t be a turn around, bright eyes. PABST stands for Post All-Star Break Stats Teixeira. As in, drink it up, cause that’s all you’re getting, you lush. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Luke Scott – Great Scott? Hmm… Seems to be too much hyperbole. How about Like Luke? Yeah, that works better even if it’s not quite as exciting. You won’t want Luke Scott for longer than another week or two. He is this week’s random outfielder that can give you power for a few days/week.
Nate McLouth – Pretend this blurb is written in off-white, since this is a very faint Buy.
Brennan Boesch – Doesn’t he sound like a proprietor of a German pub? Maybe he’s married to St. Pauli’s Girl. Either hoo, he has an opening for everyday playing time and he’s hitting. Had solid power in the minors. Don’t sleep on Boesch! (Because it’ll probably be uncomfortable. Seriously, man, get a cot.)
Corey Hart – One of the few hitters on this list that could have value for longer than a few weeks. If Hart gets back to the 20/20 guy he was not that long ago, he’s ownable everywhere.
Corey Patterson – Sticking with the Corey theme, Patterson is the leadoff hitter and… Yeah, it’s hard for me to muster too much enthusiasm for him. Steals are a bit all I’d expect, so SAGNOF on that.
Jason Donald – I wonder if he’s related to Donald Faison… Eh, probably not. Donald won’t wow you with anything unless he gets hot. He could stay at the top of the order though, so you might get Runs. Then again, it’s the Indians. Yeah, this is a lukewarm Buy.
Francisco Cervelli – The Great Gazoo! If you don’t know what that reference is referring to, you really gotta see this guy at bat. Holy crap, he’s the splitting image. Or is it spitting image? That always trips me up. Cervelli will give you average while he’s hitting. May not last for long, but it only needs to last for another month while Posada’s foot heals.
Freddy Sanchez – Lord knows the Giants equipment manager is rooting for him so the work he did on the initials on Jonathan Sanchez’s jersey wasn’t for nothing. That’s-a-my best jay period ever! Yes, the Giants equipment manager is an Old World Italian. Sanchez can give you average, it’s a’ight.
Ian Kennedy – On April 9th, in the 2nd Buy/Sell of the season, I told you to buy Kennedy. He’s now up to 23% owned in ESPN. Even assuming 60% of ESPN leagues are already abandoned, that’s poor. Give me your password and I’ll pickup Kennedy for you.
Kris Medlen – You’ve heard me tout him before, I don’t want your ears to bleed.
Chris Perez – We ain’t done with you yet, Mullet Man.
Aaron Heilman – I don’t think Heilman’s really that good, but, as of right now, he might be the tallest midget in the pen.
Carlos Villanueva – SAGNOF! Todd Coffey, same shizz, different player. I even grabbed LaTroy Hawkins in one league to stash on my DL, but he is a Cuddle Boy, so his rosterable time may be limited because he could desTroy your ratios.
Aroldis Chapman – So far in Triple-A, he’s sporting a 1.63 WHIP, walking guys and now has a blister. He’s only 22 and as I said in the comments the other day, “I heard (Aroldis) compared to Randy Johnson and that seems apt. It’s both a compliment and an insult. As we learned last week, Johnson was wild as any turkey ever was.” And that’s me cutting and pasting me! I wouldn’t drop Aroldis, but I would look at trading him, since sources are now saying he may not come up in June. Must be important otherwise why would sources bother talking about him? There’s so many other things sources could talk about like Sandra Bullock’s divorce, the BP oil spill, the upcoming Biggest Loser finale… Speaking of which, I have a theory about The Biggest Loser. Because it doesn’t work into the inspiration story the producers are trying to tell, they never mention the obscene amounts of sex going on in the house. Think about it, for so long these women didn’t want anyone to see how they looked and God forbid anyone were to touch them. Now, they’re feeling sexy, confident and horny. I lost 7 pounds this week, let’s have an orgy on the rowing machine! It’s like Hedonism for fat people.
Jose Bautista – He’s hitting .242 with 12 homers. So let’s be realistic, do you think he’ll continue to hit homers at a 20% HR/FB clip and surpass his previous career high in homers by, say, 25? Or do you think he’ll go homeless man cold and be droppable in another month? I usually say don’t trade for closers, but I’d take just about any closer in a trade for Bautista.
Alex Gonzalez – Hey, I’m like a housewife because I’m hating on the BJ’s. Honestly, not sure what you can even get for this poor man’s A-Gon, but he hit .289 in April and .240 so far in May. In April, he hit 7 homers; in May, he hit 3. May is way more in line with what you should expect going forward.
Justin Morneau – I know, he’s the cornerstone of your offense and you kinda want to strangle me now that I’ve said Morneau is a sell. WHY DO YOU MAKE ME CRY, GREY?! Sorry, Mr. Caps, it’s not my intention. OH, NO WORRIES THEN. Morneau’s BABIP is only surpassed by Kearns and Austin Jackson. And you should know how I feel about those two schmohawks. Morneau’s HR/FB is pretty far above his career norm too. Then you throw in Morneau’s wonky back and you have a recipe for a huge fall in value sometime soon. May not be tomorrow, may not be next week, but change will come, nephew. I wouldn’t sell Morneau for a bag of Funyuns, but I’d listen to offers.