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I put a ring on every finger but the rats still askin

Cause there’s one on all of mine, I’m the sportswriter Phil Jackson

Greetings! Tis I, Beddict AKA Fantasy Soldier of Fortune AKA Tha Purple Panty Dropper AKA The Punch Line King AKA Beddict Shmurda AKA Zeus tha God-Body AKA Tha Chicken Handla, and to quote Tupac Shakur,”You ain’t never had a friend like me.” “Why is that?”, you so curiously ask yourself. Well it’s quite simple, really– Do you have any friends who will literally take hours out of their day to speak to you about your endless fantasy sports conundrums, as well as any and all life problems? Did your best friend put your soulmate in a Boston Crab and give her the piping she’d always dreamed of? Well, Dr. Beddict can assist in walking you off the ledge. Did you walk in on your sweet mother receiving back shots from the mailman with a back so hairy that at first glance you believed mom was being mauled by a bear? Again, Tehol the comforter at your service. I’m here for you, playaz and playettes, so never hesitate, for he/she who hesitates, masturbates…or something like that.

I know many of you expected me to write about my big Microsoft commercial that I shot all Sunday night with Russell Wilson, Doug Baldwin and Malcolm Smith, but I signed a contract stating that I’m not allowed to mention it anywhere or I won’t BE PAID!! Being that Tehol B. is my stage name, they may have a hard time proving in court, but let’s not push the envelope shall we?! I will say that I did catch some balls from Elder God Blessed, Russell Wilson, and that alone was worth the 15 hours on set. Yep, scratch that one off the bucket list. Anyway, we’ll save the remainder of this gem for another week. Let’s move on to bright spots and last but not least, the boners, from this past week. This is Disgrace/Delight.

barefoot

Here’s Who Delighted Tehol With Their Play This Week:

Danny SalazarOh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are caaallin! It’s time to bring down a reign of frothing hot lava on these peasants who said you didn’t have the heart nor the sack to dominate at the major league level. Okay, so a 5 inning win against the Twins isn’t exactly bonerific, but it’s impressive nonetheless. Before the season began Salazar was one of the higher upside pitchers in all of baseball and we’ve recently seen flashes of that dominance that was seemingly destined to be eternally buried within this young Dominican’s soul. Add him now. Don’t think about, just DO IT like Nike, Yahmean.

Jimmy Nelson After getting gerbiled Richard Gere style against St. Louis, Jimmy tha Gent has bounced back like, well, the opposite of Richard Gere since I haven’t seen him in anything worthwhile since he murked that sexy Frenchman who was putting the banana in the tailpipe of his wife in Unfaithful (NSFW). Fact is; I love young hogs, and Nelson defines the term. The Brew Crew are depending on Nelson to push them into the playoffs and I fully expect him to accomplish that feat. He may do the exact same with your fantasy team if you let him.

Trevor Bauer- Some said my claim that Bauer would one day win a Cy Young was idiotic, impossible even, but “impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools”. I believe it twas Napoleon or possibly Mel Gibson who said that; either way it was an extremely short, famous person, but that’s besides the point. The point IS, that Bauer has discreetly thrown 4 consecutive quality starts. That’s right ya’ll! It’s like no one’s even paying attention! I need you to go out and add this pitching savant, RIGHT NOW.

Yea man, people been dissin your boy Beddict lately. Some pop tart had the audacity to clown me and attempted to acquire employment at Razzball at the same damn time! I’ve never witnessed such blasphemy. I swear to the Gods that if I ever get as big as Bill Simmons or a Peter King, I will personally respond to every negative comment that is said about me, yo. That shizz don’t harm me. For example, I’ve personally been conditioned to ignore the signals from my nervous system that tell my body that a kitana pierced through my flesh, so you ain’t on my level broseph. How dare thee insult the God! You better come a little harder next time (pause).

The Dickerson Bros.- Chris and Corey Dickerson have surpassed the Upton’s as the MLB’s elite bros! It’s been a long journey, but they’ve finally achieved this incredible honor. Wait….hold up……these dudes aren’t related?…. Like, not even cousins? Ok, never mind, these bro-frauds just went from my headliner to bottom feeder. I do have to mention that Rudy Gamble is a Gods damned genius, for Corey Dickerson is everything and more than I ever could have imagined. That seriously may be the greatest call the Rudester’s ever made. Corey looks like the best player on the Rockies, especially with Car-Go and now Tulo making their annual DL trips. Chris is my age and never done anything so he’s just a footnote kind of like Aaron Boone was to the steroid fiending, Bret Boone, that is until he hit that soul crushing homer against the Sox. Still tho, Aaron Boone was trash. With that being said, I’d still pick up Chris for the short term as he’s raking.

Odrisamer Despaigne- Hopefully you’re one of the lucky S.O.B.’s that have owned O.D. for his magnificent 5 game run in the majors. The Havana hurler is sporting a 2-1 record with a sparkling 1.31 ERA, a 0.90 WHIP along with 17 Ks. Ride the wave ya’ll, that is, until it crashes and kills everything within its grasp.

Billy HamiltonBilly tha kid deserves a shout out, because, quite frankly, he’s surpassed all my expectations. The 40 steals doesn’t shock me but the .280 average sure does. Broseph even has 6 jacks! I know the stat geeks will say he doesn’t get on base enough but this is the delight section and we don’t get negative over here, got it!? Kudos to this man.

Ian DesmondThank the Gods, for Desmond owners can now stop whining and asking ridiculous questions like, “Should I drop Desmond for Aybar, or trade him for Fernando Rodney?” NO!!! YOU SHOULDN’T!! I have Everth Cabrera and Xander Bogaerts at shortstop, so how do you think I feel? I’d gladly take the 17 boom shots, 62 RBI and 10 stolen bases from the short stop position off your hands. This situation is just like X-Men: Days of Future Past; Maybe it didn’t TOTALLY meet our expectations but overall it was still a very good movie.

Non MLB Delights:

House of Cards- I’ve been a Spacey die-hard since he made out with that dude in American Beauty. Speaking of beauty, that film was made in 99??? I’m OLD AS F*CK!!! Anyway, I’m sure most of you have already witnessed this classic show on Netflixb as it seems the majority of you have that over premium cable channels, so you know why it’s being mentioned in the delight section. I have no excuse for not peeping this one at it’s earlier stagesb as I just illegally download everything I want to watch anyway (don’t tell), but I’m three episodes deep on season one and I’m absolutely lovin it, ya’ll! (I just used I or I’m five times in one sentence. That can’t be good.) With Orange is the New Black and HOC, Netflix is truly making power moves, and that’s something I NEVER saw coming considering all I’ve ever seen on there are straight to DVD duds and old Steven Segal classics. Kudos to them. Watch this show.

Starred Up- Other than Shawshank Redemption, Starred Up is the greatest prison film I’ve ever seen. Oh I suppose Escape From Alcatraz with the big homie Clint Eastwood is an all-timer as well, but this Starred is nothing like these other two. Peep the preview HERE! The British accents are a little difficult to understand, but it only adds to this outstanding film where both father and son share the same prison. I might add that Eric and Neville Love might be the greatest father son combo since Ken Griffey/Ken Griffey Jr., as these limey bastards beat some serious arse. Seriously though, it gives an inside look at how troubled some youths are when they are forced to grow up without guidance, and once they are in the system it’s extremely difficult to learn how to live a normal life. Just an excellent overall movie. Don’t miss this one.

 

Players Who Disgraced Themselves This Past Week:

Grady Sizemore - Can someone please explain to me, what the hell is going on in Philadelphia? How a guy who hit .234 and was released by Boston can help the sinking ship that is the Phillies, I have no idea. A team full of veterans who all need to be put of their misery just signed another one to add to the mix, this time to take away playing time from the only good young players the Phillies possess. Your man Beddict is beyond disgusted and I be havin  actual daydreams where I slap the duck sauce out these muthaf*ckas, Ryne Sandberg and Ruben Amaro Jr., yo. Just a total queef move. I’m done.

Mark TrumboIn July, Dumbo is batting a robust .160 with ZERO bombs and TWO RBI. What do you know, another Arizona move gone awry. How this troglodyte still has a G.M. position, I’ll never know. Gibson positively needs to be fired ASAP, as this squad needs an entire rebuild. But hey, at least they traded Max Scherzer, Trevor Bauer and Justin Upton for a combined nothing. Dumping Eaton and Skaggs to acquire another power hitter probably wasn’t the biggest need either. There’s two things in this world I love: Mind-numbing, sweat inducing sexual intercourse, and Adam Eaton.

Trombone will eventually start hitting some bombs, but are we truly supposed to believe that this big galoot is superior to Mark Reynolds? I think not, ya’ll. With that being said, I’d love for the Mariners to trade for him. I’d also enjoy giving an angry dragon to Yasmine Bleeth or getting the Sonics back but those things probably aren’t going to occur…….y ou never know though.

Stephen Strasburg- Much like Joaquin Phoenix, who’s acting is always incredible even though his movies blow bull dong, Strasburg has the talent to play the starring role, but the box office numbers simply aren’t cutting it. Consecutive losses against Milwaukee and Colorado, while giving up 4 earned each time will hopefully motivate Strasy to get back on his grizzind. As we all know, it took the disgraceful, I’m Still Hereto push Phoenix onto anything worthwhile…….tho still nothing I’ve truly enjoyed since this…..

Corey Hart- When Hart goes yard, Seattle fans refer to it as a “Hart attack”. If we’re going to use medical terms, we would refer to the rest of his season as “erectile dysfunction”. Thus far, Hart has put up a peonic 5 homers in 184 at bats, all the while sporting a .212 average. I think his disease is contagious, for I went limper than Manny Pacquiao when he was knocked out by Marquez after I looked at his stats. #Disgrace

Non MLB Disgrace:

The Other Woman- Cameron Diaz was super hot in The Mask, but now she’s just a hot mess. That combined with the CONSTANT overacting of Leslie Mann and Kate Upton not being as hot as believed her to be as well as terrible an actor as I knew she would be, made this movie extremely difficult to get through. Man, Mann used to be fairly enjoyable in her small roles in films like Big Daddy, The 40 year Old Virgin and Knocked Up but she’s just too much to bear in this film. Honestly, it’s excruciating. Upton is a total dud and as I mentioned earlier, I’m beginning to not find her as attractive as I once did. Her face is a tad chubby and she really has no a$$. Am I being too picky? Peep the trailer here. Oh I almost forgot to mention that Nicki Minaj may have the most annoying speaking voice this side of Janice from Friends. If you’re a straight male, you probably don’t want to view this one alone. I’m not gonna say wether I did or not……..

Weed copping, I’m shopping so we all the b!tches jocking
Man, I’m minking and crocking, they nervous when I’m dropping

Thank you so much for hanging with me on Disgrace/Delight. The depth of my appreciation cannot be put into words. Speaking of words, I have been known to drop some pretty funny(as well as knowledgable) ones on Twitter at @Tehol143. Other than that I’d like to offer YOU, the reader, an opportunity to contribute to Disgrace/Delight as I will choose some of the blurbs or tweets you send me and publish them on my weekly posts. It’s the least I can do, really. Have a great weekend and buy yourself a Razzball T-shirt. I promise you, I get more ass than a toilet seat when I wear mine. Beddict, out.

 

 

  1. ty says:
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    HOC is a great show. If you think what you are seeing in season 1 is heavy season 2 will knock your socks off. If you get a chance check out the Fargo TV series. Really good.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @ty: yea man, I’m pumped!!!. Saw Fargo and mentioned on here couple weeks back. A total classic. Thanks for reading

  2. Jobu_Needs_A_Refill says:
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    I dunno man, Kate Upton looks pretty damn good to me based on the previews and pictures of that movie (I’ll never go see it). You must have very very high standards!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Jobu_Needs_A_Refill: Lol! Ok so obviously I’d give my left nut to tap that. I suppose that was my inner nick Richie from the dirty.com coming out. My apologies

  3. Pope says:
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    Goddamn…. The Purple Panty Dropper? Putting her in the Boston Crab and giving her the piping she always dreamed of? Mailmanbear back shots to your mother!? I don’t know what the scholarly writing equivalent of a purple heart is, but I’ll be damned if you don’t deserve it.
    Amazing. The gods have without a doubt created you by defying the laws of nature. I imagine it involved Zeus’ “reign of frothing hot lava” and someone’s “sweet mother receiving back shots.”
    Salazar and Nelson both deemed themselves worthy this week and for the foreseeable future. Seeing Salazar back and K-ing over a Twin an inning made me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8EAoBn12mM
    I won’t spoil it for you, but House of Cards is crazy good. And if you’ve been “a Spacey die-hard since he made out with that dude in American Beauty,” you really won’t be disappointed. That’s all I’ll say about that for the moment.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Pope: yea it’s strange. That ass kind of weird looking. And body type makes me think she could be fat at 40

        • Pope says:
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          @Tehol Beddict: You’d think the rest of her body would catch up with her chest eventually, right?

          • Tehol Beddict says:
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            @Pope: yea she got that double chin already. Could get nasty! ????

            • goodfold2 says:
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              @Tehol Beddict: 40 my ass, it’ll be WAY faster than that.

              • Tehol Beddict says:
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                @goodfold2: tru dat

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Pope: POPE!!!! Words cannot begin to describe how I’ve missed you. Your complimentary verbiage is all that keeps me going in this crazy mixed up world. I’m really enjoying house of cards as I was so jacked from nicotine last night that I peeped a couple more episodes. I’m totally hooked. Looking forward to the next episode. Love spacey

      • Pope says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Haha! And how I’ve missed you, Tehol. I have been away for the last week, but I do not see any more absences coming up. Let me know when you finish the second season. Can’t wait for 3

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Pope: looking forward to it!! Shocked that netflix came so legit.

  4. ashtray says:
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    Traded Springer/Machado for Strasburg about a month ago and I’ve gotten exactly 1 Quality Start out of him since then. #Disgrace.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @ashtray: ashtray!! Was this your attempt at getting guest spot disgrace in next week’s post?!?! Pretty good but I’m gonna need you to unload all of your anger and pain for the final cut. Yea that trade hurts. Thanks for checking in

  5. Chris says:
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    Hello Tehol

    Currently trying to better my team to get a shot at the tittle. H2h league, Mix. 3 keepers.
    Currently in 4th, but only 10 games from 1st place. From 1st to 6th is tight.

    Have the following trade porposal:
    Stanton and Lee for Pujols, Josh Hamilton and Hamels.

    If so, my keepers for next year would be: Edwin, YU, and Pujols.

    Should I make the trade? I currently need offense with Edwin on DL, and Arenado slowly getting back into form, + Andrus and Pedroia sucking.

    Thanks…

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Chris: giving up Stanton in keeper leagues us just something I wouldn’t do. If he was in respectable lineup with good park he’d be crushing 50 and 140. The trade really does help u for the short term tho. Hmmmmm, pujols should have some more good seasons so I guess I’m ok with it if u have to make the move.thanks for reading

  6. SwaggerJackers says:
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    Cliff Lee is a good candidate for the worthless list this year.

    Comes back from the DL to save everyone’s fantasy seasons and proceeds to give up 12 hits and 6 earned runs in less than 6 innings. Thanks Cliff Lee, feel free to get hurt again so I can put you back on the DL.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @SwaggerJackers: ouch! you forgot the #Disgrace broseph. I feel yo pain tho kid. he should bounce back. if not he’ll be on next week’s list for shodo

      • SwaggerJackers says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Don’t get me wrong, he hasn’t been as much of a #disgrace as MATT CAIN….but he’s not delivering SP1 value on the season, that’s for sure.

        • Tehol Beddict

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @SwaggerJackers: mos def not, but let’s pray he gets dealt. probably won’t happen but still major upside there. should be ok. #PrayWithMeBrother

  7. The Duchess says:
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    Thank god Desmond finally has started to hit bc I’ll admit it I’m that annoying person who kept asking Tehol if I should drop him for Aybar… now I can just go back to bothering him about scrub catchers.
    Also, Kate Upton is a big girl (ie: thick) do guys not like those perfect skinny girls anymore?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Duchess: upton aint really thick. nicki minaj is thick!!! THAT ASS THO!!!! kate upton is tall with monster rack. ur a little thinner than she.

  8. Dilbeck da Wiener says:
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    Put the mariners lineup on here dude. What a god damn joke

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Dilbeck da Wiener: morales back, bro. More exciting than if tupac was still alive

  9. Matt says:
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    Need some trade advice, I’m 1st in my keeper roto auction league, was offered Chris Davis, Alex Wood, and my choice of Werth/Calhoun for my $14 Carpenter and $1 Brandon mcCarthy (none of what I could get is cheap enough to keep other than $10 calhoun) Should I pull the trigger and deal Carpenter? I’m leading runs by 50, I have Zobrist/Alcantara/D. Gordon at 2b/ss/mi already. Are you optimistic Davis could rebound?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Matt: um yes pull tha trigger and laugh about it while u win the championship? Wood to expensive to keep?

      • Matt says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: yeah wood would be 24. Would Werth instead of Calhoun still be a good deal for me? Trying to get Brantley as the OF sub

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Matt: totally. #ChampionshipLockItUp

          • Matt says:
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            Not biting in Branrley/Calhoun, so you’re not worried about Werth’s injury history? May indeed pull the trigger Carp/McCarthy for Davis Wood and Werth then. Thanks for your advice!!

            • Tehol Beddict says:
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              @Matt: yea man u got to get that done. Have faith

                • Tehol Beddict says:
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                  @Mat: Booyah!!!

  10. J Boy says:
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    14 team roto with QS instead of W – crazy to deal Holliday for Arrieta if I need SP help with a deep OF? Do you like Kennedy, Lynn or Arrieta best?

    Thanks!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @J Boy: who’s in your outfield? Not crazy, no. Arrieta has been hot like bubbling lava. Hard to argue against Arrieta against those guys tho all are fairly solid. Arrieta has to be the guy. thanks for reading, J-boooooooooyeeeeee

      • J Boy says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Thanks T – my OF is Ellsbury, Melky, Werth and Corey Dickerson – all better than Holliday I think.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @J Boy: yea you good mayne. go head and do that if necessary tho I never like giving up hitting for pitching, Holliday isn’t exciting me anyway

          • J Boy says:
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            @Tehol Beddict: Thanks T – keep up the good work on the site

            • Tehol Beddict says:
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              @J Boy: you got it, pimpjuice

  11. Abdoozy says:
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    It is now July 24. At what point do we decide that it is no longer worth keeping Jay Bruce in the hope that he starts hitting in line with his projections? Nobody wants him in a trade, and it’s tough working with a roster that’s one man shorter than anybody else in my league…

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Abdoozy: I feel your pain as I traded for him earlier this year expecting him to turn it on. I can’t bring myself to drop and I’m guessing he still has a hot streak in him but I wouldn’t blame you for straight dropping him.

      • Abdoozy says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Austin Jackson cleared waivers, I could drop Bruce for him and pretend it was a trade…

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Abdoozy: HAHAH. like I said, i give you my personal approval for whatever that’s worth. few years back i Kept Hosmer for the entire season waiting for him to turn it on. It never happened and I still despise him for it

  12. Zar says:
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    Heyo Tehol.

    I picked up Nelson, too bad I owned him for his St Louis Shelling (Shelbying?)

    Someone dropped Cody Allen and I’m looking at picking him up. I have Reed, Rondon, Casilla, and Feliz as closers right now. Do I try to pick up Allen and drop Nelson for him?

    I also need another position player. I’m thinking of parra or Dyson. I’d be looking at dropping Roark or Nelson for one of them. I’m in need of some Hitting/Batting SAGNOF :X and Nelson/Roark are the the expendables for me.

    • Zar says:
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      @Zar: It’s an RCL btw >>

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Zar: Yea, let Roark sleep with the fishes. send him packing and grab my boy Dyson. Jimmy nelson is also expendable if you want the closer. no problem with that either. thanks for reading

  13. ram says:
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    Cameron Diaz has seen more dickends than weekends.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @ram: LOL!!!! so true

  14. David Niven says:
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    Curveball – in a football keeper league, first year, keep 1 forever and ever—who are your top guys to target?

    As always, love the writing bro.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @David Niven: thank ya sir, football keepers eh? I haven’t given huge amount of thought but I’d imagine Luck will be a high pick. most of the GREAT running backs are nearing their dreaded middle ages. I like receivers like Dez Byrant and possibly Julio if foot ok. Kaepernick could put up some mind blowing numbers. you know what, I just woke up. Let me actually do some real research on this and ill come back to it in a few.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @David Niven: sorry i was thinking like long time dynasty. obviously Luck wouldn’t go this high in a regular keeper league unless someone was huge fan and I could still see him going first round.

      I suppose just the usual suspects, bro.
      Id probably go Calvin over Dez for the next couple years, AJ Green, Jeffery intriguing. McCoy and Charles have to be in top 10 tho they may even only have couple dominant seasons left. its very difficult with football running backs. receiver probably safer option. also have D thomas and julio

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Joel: LOL. so glad I clicked on that link. thank you

  15. Bye Felicia says:
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    Whoever tried getting tehol fired this is for you:

    You’re a poptart sweetheart, your soft in the middle.
    I’ll eat you for breakfast, steal yo watch in exchange for a necklace.
    You’re a bitch if you could you would, sell your soul for cheap trying to be Suge (Suge is Tehol)
    You can can buy cars but can’t buy respect in the hood,
    Maybe im soooo disrespectful, cuz to me you’re a mystery.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Bye Felicia: LOL LOL LOL!!!! GREATEST COMMENT Of ALL TIME!!!! Kudos to you. You’re a legend in my book.

      I know people from his hood, he has no history
      never poked nothin never wrote nothin, homey stop frontin!

  16. Julio White says:
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    Can rap save the world from shitty baseball advice?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Julio White: whats the shitty advice? where have I gone wrong, Julio. please tell me

  17. T-Bone says:
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    Everybody knows the best prison movie is Cool Hand Luke.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @T-Bone: takin it back to 67, huh? hmmm i’ll have to peep that out. thanks for the suggestion

  18. Just Make Pitch says:
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    Good call on the Other Woman. The trailer was straight-up wack and all the women in it came off as extremely annoying and off-putting.

    Time has not been kind to Cameron Diaz as she’s starting to looks straight used-up. Doubt many wealthy middle aged dudes are looking for mistresses that look like that.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Just Make Pitch: yea she’s dunzo!!! good looking on the late comment bro. thanks for reading

  19. Taa says:
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    One of the worst articles I’ve ever read. A new age hardcore black guy schtick in the context of really nerdy fantasy baseball talk?

    You try too hard and are straight corny. You also need to find yourself an editor. I bet the 12-15 grammatical errors and misspelled words weren’t just typos, but legit things you would never pick up on.

    *thumbs down*

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Taa: I have an editor. guess he didn’t pick em all up, Taa Taa. I don’t try hard, I just let it flow mayne. It says a lot about you if you aint feelin me. Congrats you win the coveted #HaterOfTheMonth award. YOU DID IT!!! come back next week

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