“That guy looks vaguely familiar.” ”Which guy?” ”That guy on the mound.” ”The Chris Tillman fella?” ”Yeah.” ”Did he used to serve us coffee at the Blue Danube?” ”I don’t think so. That guy’s name was Ronnie. And he had dreads.” ”But he was white.” ”Yeah, Ronnie was a white guy with dreads. He looked like he had a smelly undercarriage.” ”I don’t disagree. White guys with dreads always remind me of Snow… Informer!” ”Don’t sing, man. So… This guy… This Chris Tillman guy… He just looks so familiar.” ”Not sure, man. Informer!” ”He just threw a 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks start against our M’s, but I feel like I know him.” ”Informer!” ”Wait, now that he’s standing next to Adam Jones that guy who just homered, I remember where I know him! They were coveted prospects in our Mariners’ system that we traded for Erik Bedard.” ”Damn, we’re so Bedarded.” That was two Mariner fans watching the Fourth of July game. (BTW, the guy who started calling it Fourth of July met some opposition at first — Twelve after twenty!) Tillman used to be the weak side of the Double Stuff Orioles. The other side: Matusz. Yeah, that side ended up being Hydrox, and we’ll nothing speak of it again. Young pitchers and Craigslist ads that read, “5′ 7″, 120 lbs., fitness model who loves cooking and cleaning and sex” are often very similar. Expectations and reality don’t always run hand in hand. Before picking up Tillman, do me one favor. Ask Matusz’s owners how the experience was owning him. Though since they’re probably your competition they may lie to you. Those bastards! Maybe you can ask Matusz yourself since he’s probably on your waivers. Can Tillman be lights out? I suppose — in Triple-A, he did have a 9+ K-rate and got his walks mostly in check. Is he worth a flyer in 12 team leagues? Fine, but I’d keep expectations in check. You should proceed with caution. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jesus Montero – Took a foul tip off the mask as he got the bejesus knocked out of him. He has a mild concussion but he doesn’t want to go to the DL. It’s not clear if he’s being hardheaded and should go to the DL or if he’s just got a hard head.
Justin Ruggiano – There’s hot schmotatos. There’s schmotatos. There’s even stories of a young man being raised by hot schmotatos in the woods and when he started living amongst the mass population he’d drape himself in cheddar cheese and sour cream and try and sprinkle bacon bits every time he entered a room. That last one is Ruggiano. He’s outta his mind right now. Yesterday, a slam & legs. The day before that homer. Day before that homer. Day before that he filmed a double rainbow. There’s nothing he’s not hitting. Get on the Ruggiano before the Mafia realizes he’s Pujols in the Witness Protection Program.
Giancarlo Stanton – An MRI revealed a “loose body” in his knee. Okay, I’m busted, but I swear when I went into his knee to hang out, I never thought I’d get stuck in here. The restraining order said within 250 feet, but that’s starting from his skin and out — I asked! He sat out again yesterday, but hopes to play on Friday. I put an offer out before, but it still holds. If Stanton wants me to massage his knee with my tongue, I’d be happy to. It is the strongest muscle!
Logan Morrison – Pinch hit homer and his 2nd homer in as many games. Look at the preseason probably-overdrafted-sleeper finally doing something. I’d say more, but I’m at my 140 character limit.
Gaby Sanchez – 2-for-3 with his 3rd homer. Good to see Anibal’s pheromones aren’t affecting Gaby.
Brandon Moss – 3-for-4 with his 10th homer vs. the Sawx, the team that once had Moss in their system. Must be so nice to get revenge against a team that gave up on you. It’s like when you go into Chick-Fil-A wearing a KFC bucket for a hat and the cops ask you to leave so you grab a ranch dressing on the way out to eat. (The preceding was to make our homeless readers welcome.) Moss had 15 homers in 51 games in Triple-A this year and 10 homers in 24 games with the A’s. I grabbed him in one league, maybe you do the same then we can hold hands and tell ghost stories about how in March we never thought we’d have Brandon Moss playing 1st base on our fantasy teams.
A.J. Griffin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. I saw the box score reading A. Griffin and I was like, “He’s alive!” Meaning: Alfredo Griffin. Not Andy Griffith. His name wasn’t even Griffin. Griffin had a better-than-average strikeout rate in the minors and excellent control. So far in the majors, his strikeout rate is less-than-average and his walk rate is solid. In AL-Only leagues… Well, in AL-Only leagues, you’re hoping Brad Peacock gets called up and everyone’s rostered, but I’d grab Griffin there. In mixed leagues, he’s still only mediOAKer.
Ervin Santana – 1 1/3 IP, 8 ER. Ervin, you stupid poop!
Casey Kotchman – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer as he raises his average to .231. Casey Krotchman would make a great porn name, I’m just not sure of the gender.
Garrett Jones – 2-for-4 and so hot right now he got the start against a lefty. Granted, it was an Astros pitcher with more walks than Ks, but even George Clooney started on The Facts of Life… Wait, that analogy doesn’t work because The Facts of Life was the best show ever.
Cliff Lee – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks. The Adverb got through the Mets like a subject and predicate. It’s about time The Adverb started modifying things.
Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-4 and Chooch went deep for the 2nd time in as many games. After the game, Ruiz said, “That’s how Chooch makes it rain.” Then he galloped around the clubhouse on a mop horsie in nothing but a jockstrap saying, “Chooch-chooch rain!”
Chase Utley – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer. That’s nice, he’s also skipping games left and right and he’s been less valuable than about 20 other 2nd basemen according to our 7 day Player Rater. His name, over-the-internet friend, is a lot more vaulable than his reality.
Scott Hairston – 1-for-4 with his 11th homer as he hits .254. He’s like jarred salsa. He’s not that hot, and he may still give you indigestion.
Ryan Zimmerman – Him and Michael Morse hit back-to-back homers and they hit them right after Bryce Harper batted. Sorry, trying to reach a wider audience.
Jhonatan Solano – 2-for-4 with a slam & legs. You know how when you type a query into Google, you get a string of suggestions? I can say without a doubt that when I typed in Jhonatan, I had no idea any of the other suggestions. Solano’s shown the ability to hit for a decent average, but he has little to no power. Outside of deep two catcher leagues, I wouldn’t go near him.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4 as he hit his 3rd homer, and Bryan LaQuad-A… I mean, Matt LaStairs… Excuse me, Bryan OurAffairIsOver also hit a homer.
Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. This comes on the heels of him being Vin Mazzacred by the Pirates. I didn’t want in on Wainwright coming into the season, but I did think by now he’d be easier to own. After a 3.00 ERA May, his June ERA was 5.21. Hopefully, July goes the way of May and June finds out about April and tells her to March.
Dee Gordon – 1-for-3 with 2 steals while batting .229, but he left the game with a dislocated thumb. They should check by where he left his average. He’ll probably be out for 10 days. May not be DL’d because of the ASB. He can now be a late write-in for the DL All-Star Game. But someone else will need to write it in.
Mike Leake – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Since May 14th, he hasn’t given up more than 4 earned runs in a game and he’s lowered his ERA from 6.21 to 4.01. Yup.
Justin Verlander – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Is it only me or is it surprising that Verlander only has 6 career shutouts? Doesn’t feel like he throws one at least once a month?
Miggy Cabrera – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers, now hitting .323. Just a hair under his BAC.
Elliot Johnson – 2-for-4 and his 2nd steal in as many games. Elllllllliiiiiot… Beeeeeee gooooood and steal.
Carlos Pena – 1-for-2 with a slam & legs. He’s taking to this two hole hitter thing. Next thing you know he’s going to be dropping a bunt down the line, sliding head first into the first base bag and asking the 1st baseman to get things down for him off a high shelf.
David Price – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Yankees to lower his ERA to 2.82. Here’s the Jewish Yankee fans watching yesterday’s game, “Hey, Herb, isn’t David Price the name of Bubbe’s grandson?” ”No, it’s Ben, and his bris is this weekend.” ”The guy in right field?” ”Speak up, I can’t hear you over the air conditioner.”