We went over Danny Hultzen in our last fantasy baseball podcast, but that was a bunch of jibber-jabbering, you want the facts! Well, actually, there were some facts in there. Rudy, for instance, stated he thought Hultzen would be up by June 26th. Okay, that’s more of an opinion. Okay, facts. 1) When Hultzen was drafted last year, he was one of the top pitchers in the country and seemed most “major league ready.” 2) “Major league ready” is scout-speak for safe. 3) Fat Jonah Hill fired all the scouts. 4) He throws over 100 MPH. 5) I bet you didn’t know Fat Jonah Hill threw that fast. 6) Hultzen, on the other hand, throws his fastball 91-95 MPH. 7) His ceiling is slightly lower than the top arms in the minors. G) He walked a bunch of batters when he first arrived at a high level of competition, this might translate to the majors. F) He’s controlled his pitches better recently. 9) There’s no 9. 10) He’s only in Double-A. 11) If he goes to Triple-A, I think he’s still a month away. 12) It’s not unheard of to skip Triple-A. 13) I don’t think he skips Triple-A. 14) Last night was Mojito night at Casa de Grey. 15) Muddle me, cougar! P) If he is called up, he could give you a 8+ K-rate, low 3 ERA and is worth picking up in all leagues. Q) If you find Hilary Swank attractive, does that make you gay? 17) I think this is supposed to be 18 or R. 19) I was hit by a truck in college, knocking me into a coma. Long story short, I was back within the week getting drunk on Lansdowne. The truck was bigger than John McDonald’s knee. 20) Because I’m going to get this question, I like Bauer more than Hultzen. 21) If you’re stashing pitchers, I absolutely would grab Hultzen, and we have been stashing him all year in an AL-Only league. 22) I think Hultzen will be a difference maker in all leagues, even shallow ones. 23) The walks and ETA in the majors has me, like Chief Jay Strongbow, with my reservations. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Trevor Plouffe – You know the moment when you realize Method Man stole his M-E-T-H-O-D Man riff from Daryl Hall & John Oates? That’s sorta like the same moment when I realize I’ve told people to pick up Plouffe three times in the same week. This is your brain, this is your brain when it’s not making any sense and you’re recommending Plouffe.
Brian Roberts – The Concusstador returns with a vengeance! Then divide vengeance by gusto and you have Brian Roberts.
Everth Cabrera – First name: Ever. Last Name: Greatest. Full name: SAGNOF! BTW, I had a good idea for a money-making scheme, but like most of my money-making schemes, I’ll never follow through on it, so I’m putting it out there for one of you to take the ball and run with it. Karaoke Cab! Imagine you’re coming out of a bar at 2 AM, blotto on a drink the bartender was calling The Haymaker and you were only drinking it because you thought it would help you get laid. Well, the opposite happened and you’re getting into a cab with your buddies… Then… You get to sing Journey! Someone make this happen, thank you.
Danny Espinosa – Somehow he’s owned in less than 50% of ESPN leagues… *looking at his stats* Okay, he hasn’t been great, but a three category performer (runs, homers, steals) has a place on some teams for MI.
Stephen Drew – I wanna say he’s a good DL stash, but stash is close to ‘stache, which is short for mustache, and now Drew has tainted the one beautiful thing we all have — my mustache. If you’re really struggling at MI, I could see stashing Drew. I have slightly more hope for him than Roberts, but not by much.
Brandon Belt – I’m a big fan. Like Jon Lovitz would say, is that so wrong? Belt was in the 2nd Buy column of the year where I sang his praises to Bruce Springsteen’s My City of Ruins, “My pants are down below my knees… Where’s my Belt? My team’s in ruins! My team’s in ruins! Come on rise up! I need a Belt. Come on rise up! I need my Belt!” In the preseason, I said that if Belt could get a full season of ABs, he could have a line of 70/24/80/.280/10. That’s so crackers you got crumbs on your computer. What I should’ve said was if Belt gets ABs and hits well, he’s capable of that line. Now, he’s capable of 17+ homers and 10 steals, but he’s only at 3/2, so there’s a lot of room for his stats to grow.
Gaby Sanchez – I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t even want to recommend picking him up yet, so keep that in mind. Preferably, in mind before you pick him up in shallow leagues.
Ike Davis – He’s looked better of late. On the less bright side, he couldn’t have looked worse.
Brandon Moss – I got high hopes for Brandon Moss…in a deep AL-Only league. He looks like he has great power…for an AL-Only outfielder. As we said the other day, “The new Oakland A’s 1B (which has been like being the new Spinal Tap drummer) launched three massive HRs in Colorado. Guess that time in the thin-aired PCL this year was good training. He’s been bouncing around the minors ever since his failed audition with the Pirates in 2009. He’s worthy of a flier in deeper leagues (we just won him in our cash league) but expect Schierholtzian power (15 HR/year). Definitely worth streaming in all leagues for the next 2 games in COL.” And that’s me quoting us!
Gregor Blanco – His name makes him sound like he’d be the first two sport pro athlete that plays hockey and baseball. Gregor checks Stolichnaya into the boards and slides back under the tag!
Seth Smith – Went deep twith thith week. Smith will probably sit against lefties, but thankfully there are still people out there forcing their children to be right handed so the devil won’t have easy access to their souls.
Tyler Colvin – Remember, always bet on black…jerseyed Rockies.
Brennan Boesch – Between him and Belt, is it possible to be a post-hype sleeper only two months later? I think so! Then again, I was hit by a truck in college… Did I ever mention that?
Ben Revere – I picked him up in the RCL, but don’t let that stop you from grabbing him. He’s been on fire, has speed and is much more blue collar than Ben Newton.
Alex Presley – Chuck him into the not-that-post-not-that-much-hype sleeper pile with Belt and Boesch.
Tom Wilhelmsen – Man, his last name is a pain in the ass to spell. It’s like I’m writing for the Ikea catalog. Twist screw 3A into the Beescholdorf. If the Beescholdorf is plompin, then you want to turn it on its schlumpin. What are you saying, Ikea?! I just want an effin’ desk!
Ryan Cook – He’s the closer in Oakland. How do I know? I read tarot cards. BTW, if you read tarot cards before bed and think you’re gonna fall asleep, you have a gift. Share it with the world!
Jon Niese – Was surprised to see him owned in so few leagues, but as mentioned on the podcast, ownership numbers probably mean nothing… So the already arbitrary 50% cutoff for these Buys just got more arbitrary… arbitrariest? Arboretum? Man, hard to say that without sounding like Elmer Fudd.
Trevor Bauer – He should be up any day now, Annie Potts.
Salvador Perez – I told you to pick him up last week, and now he’s at 1.4%. We’re the under two percenters! Hit it band!… We make obscure references and get strange looks from colleagues…. We are the under two percenters! We’re always saying “Forget it” when people don’t get our jokes… We are the under two percenters! We argue about who was the best billiards player from 1978 thru 1983… We are the under two percenters! We think we have friends, our friends think we’re weird… We are the under two percenters!
Lance Lynn – I’ve already told you to sell him before, but now it’s getting ridiculous. Right now, on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, here’s the top five guys: Josh Hamilton, Matt Cain, Carlos Gonzalez, Adam Jones, Lance Lynn (then Chris Sale, and I told you to sell him too). You don’t have to take a Kaplan prep course to know which one of those guys doesn’t belong. The preceding sentence was brought to you by someone who did take a Kaplan prep course because a girl I had a crush on was also taking it. The SATs ended up screwing me better. Lance Lynn has the minor league stats to back any of this up? Nope. He’s beating his K-rate in the minors by 2 Ks per nine (which is a large difference) and his Triple-A ERA was around 4. Not to be profiling people, but he looked like a nice 5th fantasy starter flyer, not an ace. I wouldn’t sell him for one of the dozen Benihana drink Buddhas I have in my office, but I’d explore options.