Manny Ramirez will miss at least three weeks with a significant strain of his calf. If he had four teats, he could be a cow. Manny’s been dealing with this calf problem since April. His “doctor” gave him some “fertility” medicine, but Selig and his “rules.” Now Manny has an aggravated calf and impotency. I hope you’re all happy. I’d DL Manny if I owned him. If you don’t have room, I’d just lose him. You guys will see each other again because you love Manny. Otherwise, I’m not sure why you owned him to begin with. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jonathan Broxton – 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Returned to the role of closer only to get taken out mid-inning because Don Mattingly inadvertently went to the mound twice. A mustachioed Mattingly would’ve never made that mistake.
Aramis Ramirez – 3-for-5, 7 RBIs with 3 homers. The first three months of the season Aramis was like the virgin cowboy from The Real World: Los Angeles. The last few weeks he’s been like the virgin cowboy from The Real World: Los Angeles right after he rubbed up against the female police officer.
Geovany Soto – 2-for-5 with his 12th homer as he bats .293. Yeah, he’s been better than Mauer, but whatever.
Starlin Castro – 3-for-5 and batting .474 over the last week with his third steal this week. SAGNOF!
Chris Johnson – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in two games. He doesn’t have huge power potential, so keep expectations in check, but if your corner infidel is dying, I could see a flyer in deeper mixed leagues.
Nate McLouth – Will return on Wednesday. He was McLousy before getting knocked out for a month and a half with a concussion. (“Crimey, is this how long Morneau is going to be out?” asks your inner monologue.) I wouldn’t rush to add McLouth since he’ll be sharing time with Melky.
Tommy Hunter – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. I cheated and picked him up in a 12 team league for this two-start week. He shouldn’t be pitching as well as he has been, but he is, so what are you supposed to do? I mean, 8 out of his 9 starts have been quality starts.
Josh Hamilton – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer as he bats .357 on the year. Can we get him to play the outfield in a bubble so he doesn’t get hurt?
Ian Kinsler – Back-to-back games with a home run to bring his season total to 6. Would not shock me to see him get to 20 homers by the end of the season. Yes, that’s a lot of homers for a 2nd baseman in just over 2 months. Don’t underestimate anyone in the Rangers lineup.
Carlos Gonzalez – Didn’t play yesterday because of a bruised index finger. I wish I had a finger for CarGo, but I’m currently giving it to Jason Bay.
Dexter Fowler – 1 for his last 25. Not sure why, but he hasn’t been able to keep his hitting going at the big league level so far in his career. I’d bench him or start to look elsewhere. (Yes, I am kinda hoping to reverse jinx him into hitting.)
Jamie Moyer – Headed to the DL after being diagnosed with an acute case of “old.” J.A. Happ should return to take his spot. No, I’m not a fan of Happ.
Matt Diaz – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in 3 games. If it makes the medicine go down a little easier, I picked up Diaz in a league.
Kevin Slowey – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Indians. It was into the 6th inning and Slowey had only given up one run and his WHIP was under 1.00. Of course, I was cursing his name since I benched or dropped him everywhere. Then, for the first time all year, Slowey didn’t let me down when he loaded the bases so Jesse Crain could give up two inherited runs.
Jon Rauch – Has a bruised ankle, which isn’t half as delicious as a braised ankle. Rauch should return in a day or two. Meanwhile, I’d grab Matt Guerrier, who is not a guppy-terrier mix, in case you were wondering.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 0-for-5 as he was activated from the DL. Nothing to report here because I already told you you (stutterer!) should pick him up. It’s AS-drubal, after all. Why wouldn’t you? His name lyrical. You go sing about him in the shower. Unless you’re in prison.
Yunel Escobar – Sat out after being hit on his right hand while trying to bunt on Monday. This is what you call old news, which is a lot less redundant than new news but less timely.
Jose Bautista – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and his major league leading 26th homer. Last year, it was the improbable Aaron Hill. This year, Bautista. Next year, John McDonald will hit 40 homers. You heard it here first.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs with 2 homers. The Smashbuckler!
Phil Hughes – 5 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks. Instituting Joba Rules on Hughes has had similar poor results. Hughes’ ERA is up to 3.99 and is no longer a must start everywhere, which makes him very difficult to own. You get sonavabenched then you start him and he gets rocked.
Mike Napoli – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer. He has two more home runs than A-Rod. Cust kayin’.
Juan Gutierrez – No lie. I picked him up in multiple leagues as soon as I saw Gibson was calling him in for the save. By the time I got to my third team, he had already given up a home run to Pagan. He’s given up 13 homers in 34 1/3 innings. Mariano hasn’t given up 13 homers in three years. Halladay’s given up 13 homers in 154 innings. Juan Gutierrez has the 13th worst OPS in the major leagues for pitchers with at least 20 innings. Only three of the other guys are still in the major leagues! I’m going to bench him just so others can’t get saves, but I should’ve just let them have him.
Barry Enright – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Hey, it’s the guy that sounds like he’s your uncle! Don’t believe the magic, Enright’s getting by on smoke and mirrors.
Chris Carpenter – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks and got the Win as the Phillies’ Andrew Carpenter got the loss. Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time two Carpenters were involved in both sides of a decision since Jesus and one of his carpenter buddies agreed Jesus should bring the wine for the company picnic.
Mike Gonzalez – After pulling a Kotchman for a few months, he’ll return this Friday. Soon after, the O’s closer job will be ‘A Mike G. Joint.’
Luke Scott – 2 homers yesterday and no injuries! He’s like the fantasy baseball equivalent to Lay’s Potato Chips. When Luke Scott hits homers, he can’t hit just one. I could see him hitting another four homers this month. Be cautious about picking him up though, three of those four homers may be of the pinch hit variety because he’ll be sharing time.
Matt Garza – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. It was the Suckie-O’s! What are you doing, Garza? You’re killing me. 4 homers allowed? Tony Pena pitched better in the Homer Derby.
Carl Crawford – Left the game after a pickoff throw hit Carl’s Jr.