As David Brent’s friend would say, “Only one for the Bum, no harm done.” Madison Bumgarner got SF another SHO as he threw a game that made it easy to get behind the Bum and not just for those in The Castro — 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 walks and 8 Ks. This year he’s been overshadowed by either Lincecum’s mediocreness or Cain’s sheer brilliance. Like Monie and Malcolm, Bum’s been in the middle. There’s no ifs, ands or Bums about it, he’s still been excellent. 2.85 ERA, 1.06 WHIP and 10 wins with 92 Ks in 110 2/3 IP is hard to argue with, I mean, you can argue with it but you’re arguing with numbers and that used to get people shock treatment in the 50’s. Why don’t you lust after Pete Campbell next? People were pshawing his Ks early on in the season, but his K-rate has been over 9 for the last month. So he’s pshaw that! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yasiel Puig – The latest Cuban raftee to make it stateside was the fastest player playing in Cuba. Fidel once remarked, “He’s faster than that servant I threw plantain flambé at.” But for someone so fast, he did get caught trying to escape Cuba numerous times. In all seriousness, Fidel’s slipping as a dictator if he’s going to let someone try to escape numerous times and still let them play baseball. The Eternal General Secretary and All-Around Serious Worker Bee, Kim Jong-il, would’ve kiboshed that like underseasoned kimchi or a less-than-ostentatious fur hat. Never the hoo! Puig was also caught a bunch of times on the base paths. His numbers read five tooly — .330 with 17 home runs, 47 RBIs and 78 runs scored in 327 at-bats — without the defense tool. Guess that’s four tooly like a pair of Siamese twins. Clay Davenport uses one part elbow grease and two parts gumption to come up with a formula to translate Cuban stats to the majors. In the preseason, he had Yoenis down for 22 homers and a .245 average with 8 steals. Sounds about right. He has Puig down for 10/4 with a .254 average. Well, Magic still has his theaters. Puig obviously has time to develop in the minors and could be a lot more at some point, but for our purposes I’d only go near him in deep dynasty leagues.
Hunter Pence – 2-for-5 with his 14th homer. Looks to be the same player he was his whole career with Citizens Flank not doing a whole lot to bolster him. Not a crack, just a Cust kayin’.
Jim Thome – Phils made him available to AL teams. So if anyone has any trees to chop down, or a good guy to drink a beer with, Thome’s all yours!
Victor Martinez – Tigers announced he will get back mid-to-late September. I’m going to put his projections down as 3/1/5/.450. There’s room for upside. He could double those homers and maybe even hit .600. I’d be shocked if he doesn’t get at least two runs and maybe six or even seven RBIs!
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-4 with a homer. Well, that was quite the slump he went through for the last three weeks. But that’s yesterday’s news, Whiskeytown. Hardy usually gets scorching hot, so if he’s out there and you’re struggling up the middle, I’d grab him.
Wilson Betemit – 2-for-3 and 9 for his last 14 and batting .571 over the last week. Castaway Wilson has been volleyed to a bunch of clubs in his career. Betemit has never received any modicum of respect in his major league career, if I’m using the word modicum correctly. For the longest time, the Royals would drop the boom with prospect after prospect and Betemit would be MOS — ‘Mit Out Starting job — but now Betemit has been playing 3rd base regularly. Every bone in your body tells you you shouldn’t own Betemit, but why are you listening to bones? Is that some voodoo shizz? If you’re struggling with your corner infidel in deep mixed leagues, Betemit could provide some pop and average. Of course, don’t drop anyone too worthwhile for him. Still no respect! I’d also say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he won’t; I just went over him. No R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Alejandro De Aza – 4-for-5 with a homer and a caught stealing. What’s that, a slam and legs beater?
Mike Trout – 2-for-5 with his 8th homer. Have the Angels started manufacturing Rally Fish yet? I demand you!
Albert Pujols – 4-for-5, 3 runs. “I just woke up from a three month coma to find Pujols is only hitting .270?” If you only knew, Comatose Angels Fan.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. With the All-Star Game in Kansas City, you know George Brett is gonna throw out the first pitch. Maybe the AL can also get him to be the Honorary 3rd Baseman so we don’t have to witness Miggy being replaced by Trumbo.
Andy Pettitte – Put on the 60-day DL, so he’ll be out two months. Look at the big brain on Grey!
Ivan Nova – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. If you would’ve told me three months ago that I’d be touting Nova and Hughes at the end of June, I would’ve said you’re crazy, future boy!
Ryan Dempster – Cubs said to trade Dempster they are willing to eat part of his contract. Way to flip the whole ‘fiber turns to crap’ on its head.
Nolan Arenado – Rockies said they’re unlikely to promote him this year. Hopefully, they don’t do him like Eric Young Jr., who’s like the woman who wasted all her good years in the Mary J. Blige song, Not Gon’ Cry.
Jorge de la Rosa – After having Tommy John surgery last year, he’s out for the reminder of this year too. It’s what happens when you cut corners and have Tommy John perform his surgery.
Chris Nelson – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting over .350 in the last week. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. It’s filled with so much brevity it’s the longest Buy/Sell ever! (Or at least in the last week.)
Tyler Colvin – 4-for-6, 5 RBIs and a double short of a cycle. Colvin hasn’t looked this good since someone shaved her legs when she was passed out after a long Lillith Fair set. *checking notes* Totally wrong Colvin, mea culpa. Tyler Colvin has to continue to play every day with the way he’s hitting, and, with the way he’s hitting, you should be owning him. BTW, Does a kick in the nuts hurt more or less when you’re a mile high?
Edwin Jackson – 3 IP, 8 ER. Sonavayoushouldn’thavestartedhiminCoors!
Mike Morse – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer. It’s so hard to tell if players are actually heating up or it’s Coors and the Rockies terrible pitchers. Rudy and I were talking the other day — we talk, y’all! — and he was saying how he’s going to start streaming opposing batters in Coors. For a while, there was all this talk of a humidor, but that was the Easter Bunny running a scoop about the Bermuda Triangle heard from Sasquatch. The Rockies pitchers were just good for a few years. Now, they’re going with four men because five is just violating Geneva sanctions.
Zach McAllister – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA is 3.82. Here’s what Rudy said the other day about him, “I wouldn’t be friends forever with him but his numbers this year in AAA and in 25 IP in MLB (7+ K/9, < 3 BB/9) make me more excited than scared to pick him up in deep leagues.” And that’s me copying and pasting Rudy!
Austin Jackson – 4-for-5, with one run. Now hitting .325 with a bonkers BABIP, but he always has a bonkers BABIP, so that shouldn’t be that alarming. Only 7 steals is. According to their Speed Scores, Jackson is faster than Stubbs, but the latter has more than twice as many steals. Let’s see some Action, Jackson.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 with his 14th homer. He has two homers this week while batting over .300. In iPhone Scramble terms, that’s Excellent! Excellent! Good!
Casey McGehee – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Hit one it’s a Googlewhack, hit two and it’s the beginning of a streak. He could become fantasy relevant to a certain extent. Though that “to a certain extent” is sitting on the fence between okay and meh.
A.J. Burnett – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks and now has a 2.03 ERA on the year if you removed his one blowout vs. the Cards. I know, and if you were an alien, you’d have a summer home on Pluto, but that’s still pretty impressive.
Ian Kinsler – 4-for-5, 3 runs with 2 steals. If you put Kinsler’s line through the Sean Connery translator, you get, “Ee-yan, you’re the man now, dog.”
Andrew Cashner – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks. Why does ESPN have to turn the box score blue when one of my pitchers has a no-hitter? You’re jinxing shizz here! Let me formulate my opinion on Cashner real quick–Okay, got it! I like him a lot. Good Ks, terrific home park. Cashner rules everything around me, ‘drew get the Ks — FAAB dollar dollar bill, y’all!
Dallas Keuchel – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. He has more walks than Ks. Sorry, Dallas, that’ll thwart worth.
Felix Hernandez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks. He dusted the Red Sox like Mrs. Garrett did the Drummond household. BTW, “Mrs.” my ass. Unless she was hitched in Hawaii to Paula Poundstone.
Franklin Morales – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Me likey. More later in the Buy. Greatest Buy ever! Chill, Grey, don’t over sell it. But, Random Italicized Voice, it also means the end of the week. Friday? Me likey too!
Dylan Axelrod – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. The guy whose name sounds like a nom de plume for someone who writes for Popular Mechanics had a near 9 K-rate and a just over 2 walk rate in Triple-A through 68 innings. As long as Dylan keeps his walks in check and his sideburns groomed, he could be a decent deeper mixed league flyer.
Dayan Viciedo – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer of the week. Some weeks the ball looks like a beach ball and other weeks it looks like a pill that’s hard to swallow.
Krispie Young – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer in as many games. What’s the opposite of The Cooler? That’s me.
Trevor Bauer – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks… Wait, that’s the line for Lincecum’s first start. Through Kershaw’s first 9 starts of his career, he had a 5.18 ERA. Randy Johnson was sent down after his first four starts. Roger Clemens took about three months of starts (5+ ERA through June) before his wife showed him how to work his pecs. So, yesterday’s line for Bauer of 4 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks was downright Cy Young-ian. None of these starters are the same, though Bauer looks like Lincecum without the k.d. lang mullet, but this is the deal with rookie pitchers. Put promise in one hand and reality in the other hand and you have what? Two empty hands, you can’t weigh promise or reality. They weigh on you! Damn, that’s like a fortune cookie at a nihilist’s Chinese restaurant.