Madison Bumgarner threw a near-perfect game vs. the Rockies, ending with a one hitter and 13 Ks. Tim Lincecum was the first one to congratulate him, saying, “I’ll see you in the bullpen in two months.” Then Lincecum laughed, a hallow, empty laughter and his eyes glazed with what appeared to be tears. Yesterday, Bum was so impressive that even Gattis said, “I’d bunk in a cardboard box with that Bum anytime.” Yesterday, Bum was so impressive, Brian Sabean altered Bumgarner’s contract, making him twelve years older. Yesterday, Bum was so impressive, Giants fans didn’t roll their eyes when someone had white wine with a burger. On the year, Bumgarner has a 3.02 ERA, 9.3 K/9, 1.9 BB/9 and is about as consistent as a starter that you can find. Oh, and he’s only 25 years old. *Homer Simpson drool* Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Buster Posey – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (16, 17). Oh, boy, he’s giving some people reason to rank him in the first round next year. Those people who live in a ‘world’ of ‘roto.’
Andrew McCutchen – 0-for-3 until he left the game early. He made a catch, slamming into the wall, and grimaced for a few afterwards. This comes just a week after he returned from a fractured rib. Damn McRib! Only supposed to be a seasonal item — not constantly on the menu.
Pedro Alvarez – Left yesterday’s game with foot discomfort, and was seen leaving the clubhouse in a walking boot. I wonder if Garfield from Parking Wars put the boot on him. Well, that was my bad. I picked Alvarez up and totally screwed the karma pooch for everyone. Mea culpa, my friends from Latin America.
Josh Harrison – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer. Okay, but what’s Jenilee Harrison up to? She had one SB last time I checked. Because she stole my heart!
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks. He didn’t actually give up any runs and had a no-hitter through 5 and two-thirds. Now we’re onto somethin’. Real G’s drop their G’s. You’re probably asking yourself how was Cole charged with two runs if he didn’t give up any runs. Well, Sherlock, Watson gave up two inherited runs. Speaking of Watson, Tony, that is. He has 9 wins and 7 blown saves with a 1.75 ERA. That’s like one of those Clippard years where he gives up inherited runs, has nothing charged to him and gets a shizzload of Wins. Not cool, Watson or Martin Freeman or whoever you are or whomever you are; I seriously missed the whoever vs. whomever class. Since Cole’s returned from the DL, he’s looking much closer to the pitcher we thought he would be. Maybe this is the breakout, please let it be the breakout.
A.J. Burnett – After he struck out 12 hitters on Monday, he said he might not retire. See, it worked well for Michael Jordan and Jay-Z because people cared if they retired.
Darin Ruf – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Who let the dongs out? Ruf! Ruf! Ruf! Ruf! Ruf!
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA up to 2.59. Let me explain the game. He had the lead, hit for himself in the bottom of the 7th, gave up a lead-off homer to Asdrubal in the 8th, then Sandberg lifted him. So, he left him in there to lose the win, but then lifted him after only 84 pitches. Didn’t even let him throw another pitch after the homer, like Hamels was on fumes. Sandberg is the one on fumes. I’m now siding with Rollins!
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Still not seeing any reason why Gonzalez isn’t anything more than a streamer, but I’ve already said my peace on Gio, or my piece if I were a gangsta rapper.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer on the Nats, and 12th overall. Asdrubal’s been competent in the power department this year, but the lack of steals (7), leaves something to the imagination. Like leaving you to imagine he has 18 steals and you’re in first place.
Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (6), and his 2nd day in a row with a homer. You know the team in your league that owns Pedroia that hasn’t made a move in two months and has been eliminated since June? Email them and say, “Hey, your third round pick of Pedroia’s looking good now! Too bad about Votto.”
Mike Napoli – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. That breaks a 1-for-20 spell. Um, well, O-N-E-F-O-R– Sorry, stupid literal brain.
Allen Craig – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer on the Red Sox, and 8th this year. There’s no sorta track record to go on at this point. Strike through that, there’s no current track record of any positive note to go on. I may pick up Craig, but Ryan Zimmerman made me desperate for a corner infidel. My name’s Grey and I hate Ryan Zimmerman.
Rubby De La Rosa – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 0 K vs. R.A. Dickey (6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks). Housewives all across Toronto were claiming they had a headache when husbands told them they were going to Rogers for Rubby/Dickey.
Ricky Nolasco – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 5.62. Maybe Nolasco will get Melky Cabrera to design him a website for him proclaiming Nolasco’s xFIP is almost a full run lower than his ERA. Can even make up a fake rave review from The Fangraphs Database. “I’ve seen a lot of guys have bad luck with LOB%, but Nolasco’s is truly outstanding. A must see!”
Yordano Ventura – Scratched with a stiff back. Sounds like a Thai massage with a Happy Ending that went wrong. This doesn’t sound like an actual issue with Ventura, but more the Royals trying to limit his innings. Very sneaky, Royals!
Danny Duffy – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Stream-o-Nator loved this start, and likes his next one too. If I streamed him yesterday, it would’ve been a disaster, and equally bad next time out, but I promise to stay away. I’m here as your trusting servant.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. When he gets to 20 homers on the last day of the year, all will be forgotten, then next March you will look at him and see great counting stats, a solid average and 20 homers and think, “I’m gonna draft him as my 2nd outfielder,” then in June when Gordon has 6 homers you’ll think, “Why the hell did I draft Gordon again?” And that will continue for the next 12 years.
Luke Gregerson – 1 IP, 2 ER. You could’ve just said you didn’t want to be the closer. Effin’ schmohawk.
Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. With his back against the wall on whether he would keep his rotation spot, Hammel went out and got the job done. Now, of course, he’ll go out and get crushed in his next start and lose the rotation job to Pomeranz anyway, but for one day breathe it in… You smell it? That’s Summer’s Reprieve. Makes you feel fresh all over again.
Chris Carter – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 32nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Who names hurricanes? Get them on the ringie-ding-a-ling, cause we have a Hurry K’d Carter sweeping through Texas.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – After being sidelined with a sore ass, he could rejoin the rotation on Sunday. Here’s hoping he enters to a dyslexic Sir Mix-a-Lot singing, “Booty Got Back.” By the way, you think they could’ve made the word dyslexic any harder to spell? Really drives home the point, huh?
Roberto Hernandez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the D-Bags. I streamed The Pitcher Formerly Known As Fausto Carmona for this game, and have no interest in him past that. Now if he changed his name again to Qberto, well, I might make an exception.
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. $1 says he dates Nicki Minaj this offseason. Anyone want any action?
Justin Turner – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting over .400 in the last week. Sing it, Turner! Hot schmotato keep on rollin’. Proud schmotato keep on burnin’.
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th steal. He cooled off in the last few games, but he is a leadoff hitter for a major league team. At least they’re a major league team until Kevin Towers trades everyone for a defensive-minded middle infielder.
David Peralta – 2-for-4, and has a hit in nine of his last ten games. See what I said for Ender, but replace leadoff hitter with three-hole hitter. For those that found us by Googling, “three hole hitter” + Ender, what are you even looking for? Do I want to know?
B.J. Upton – Braves will look to deal B.J. this winter. That is the oldest profession.
Evan Gattis – 1-for-4. Could be traded this offseason. Gattis already has a sign, “Will Homer For Food,” now it’s just a matter who will bite.
Alex Wood – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Of course, the Braves gave him no run support. What else is new? I was being rhetorical. I can’t hear you tell me what else is new.
Daniel Murphy – Missed yesterday’s game due to a sore calf. His veal must be tender.
Dillon Gee – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K. Hopefully no one was hurt going home from Metco. Shouldn’t drive after a NyQuility Start. Gee doesn’t get many Ks ever, but the Stream-o-Nator does like his next start, and I could see streaming him.
Juan Lagares – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Come for the spectacular defense and stay for the homer. Juan Lagares pleases all of those who look at him. He now has two homers in the last three games, and is hitting near-.400. Hot schmotato!
Jenrry Mejia – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. He also didn’t walk anyone, so his balls must be fine.
Jose Quintana – 5 IP, 6 ER. You don’t want anyone to own you anymore. Message heard loud and clear.
Alexei Ramirez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Alexei’s trying to remind people that when Puig was nothing but a piglet and Jose Abreu was simply The Poquito Mas Dolor, Ramirez was the Cuban Import.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs. I’ve mentioned picking him up five times in the last four days. He must be good, says you. You smart!
Jake Petricka – o IP, 2 ER. I own Putnam just in case, but Robin Ventura seems to trust closers more when they do terribly, so this outing by Petricka might’ve been exactly what he needs. Sure didn’t hurt him that he gave up 3 ER in his previous outing either.
Zach Walters – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Basically, doing nothing but hitting homers, but he’s hitting a lot of them, and that’s not a flukey thing. He now has five homers in the last ten games. Yup.
James Paxton – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Now has three of four starts that were Quality. A 1.83 ERA and a 1.09 WHIP. What are you looking at? That’s your cue to pick him up! Oh, wait, his next start is in O.co. Hmm, it does have -co in its name, but that’s not a very safe start. I could see picking him up, but I’d be careful there.
Abraham Almonte – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (1). Eat that, Ishmael Almonte!
Alex Cobb – 4 IP, 2 ER vs. Wei-Yin Chen (4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 K). In related news, 40 years ago Nolan Ryan threw 235 pitches in a game. That’s 52 pitches more than Cobb and Chen combined for yesterday.
Matt Shoemaker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Speaking of Cobb (was I?), could I rank Shoemaker in the top 20 starters next year? Hmm… Okay, unlikely, but I am going to love him.
Joey Votto – Taking dry swings. Team him up with Ryan Zimmerman, who’s running on a water treadmill, and you got a player for all seasons!
Johnny Cueto – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA up to 2.26. His ERAs each month: April, 1.13; May, 2.25; June, 2.43; July, 2.58; August, 3.22. So, in September it’s going to be 4.05. You’re welcome, H2H owners!
Travis Wood – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 4.72. Two Woods pitched yesterday and a Rubby. Too bad Brad Hand went on Sunday. Would’ve been perfect to watch those games in our shirt, Fantasy Baseball: Something to do between masturbation sessions. True story: Someone ordered this shirt, the first person, and I sent the order to my shirt manufacturer. Then about three weeks later the buyer of the shirt contacted me that they still hadn’t received the shirt, so I reached out to the manufacturer. It turned out the manufacturer had a problem finding someone to screen print the shirt because it was inappropriate. Guess they’re of average height and never had a problem with our Sparky Anklebiter shirt.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4 and his 30th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Arismendy Alcantara – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. HRismendy!
Brett Gardner – Out again yesterday due to his ankle. C’mon, Gardner get back in there and rake!
Jacoby Ellsbury – 3-for-4 and two homers (12, 13). Hardy har har, was that because I just pointed out yesterday how Ellsbury had even underperformed my ranking and I was down on him, in the non-sexual way? How about I shut me stupid mouth now? Thank you, stupid mouth.
Brandon McCarthy – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks. “No, you slo-mo fist pump like this.” That’s Kirk Gibson talking to Kevin Towers.
Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.06. His K-rate is silly terrible — 5.30 K/9. It’s also silly terrible to find fault with how well he’s pitched. I’m mad I dropped you and I’m acting out, please accept my apology.
Anibal Sanchez – Suffered a setback with his pectoral. Anibal, say hello to the offseason! Offseason, “What’s up? I was napping.” Sorry, didn’t mean to bother you.