Sorry, I was just testing out these new three-ply tissues Cougs bought for me. I wasn’t crying. I was cutting onions while watching Manny Machado get hurt. When you think you’ve had too much of this life, hang on. Everyone hurts…sometimes! Michael Stipe, you are my bald little friend that sits in my glove compartment and waits for me to be sad to come out and sing to me. Sit on my lap, Stipe, and tell me it’s going to be okay. Tell me Machado won’t struggle to be healthy again by next year. Alas… Jesus, what a depressing way to start a sentence. Alas? Alas my ass, Machado’s hurt bad. It’s a shame. Not because I own him this year, but I don’t want anything to stand in the way of me liking him in 2014 and a knee injury is the kind of thing that could deflate my enthusiasm. Oh, well, guess we’ll see how he’s doing next February. For right now, feel free to drop him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chris Davis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 715th homer. Move over Babe Ruth, we never liked you and your candy bars anyway! Especially after you and Fatty Arbuckle put them where the sun don’t shine.
Brian Roberts – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer. Damn, I almost picked him up for this batty call. My almost batty call team is in first place and has made all the right moves this year.
Tim Beckham – 1-for-2, 1 run, 1 RBI and his first major league start. You might remember Beckham from being a huge star about three years ago and marrying one of The Spice Girls, but now he sells nutmeg at flea markets. *checking notes* Hmm, that’s sorta right, except The Spice Girls part. Beckham was a top prospect about three years ago. Never really showed any the promise with the bat that was expected and now he’s selling nutmeg.
Chris Archer – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. I could understand not wanting to play hard for your H2H team. No offense. But the Rays are in the playoff hunt, so that was just a miserable effort. He gets the Blue Jays next, but he might be tiring out and/or the Rays could be in the playoffs by then, which would mean Archer only pitches a few innings. It’s a tough call, that will be on a need to stream basis.
Desmond Jennings – Diagnosed with a hamstring strain. Rays said he’s day-to-day, which is code for, “We don’t feel like telling you the truth, but Desmond isn’t playing for your fantasy team again this year. You’re better off with Avisail Garcia anyway.”
Wil Myers – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and now set to be drafted in the 90’s next year. Damn skippy! Two more homers and he’ll be totally in the 80’s. Gag me with a spoon!
CC Sabathia – Shut down for the year due to his Grade 2 hamstring strain. If his hamstring were in the 2nd grade, it must’ve stayed back about twenty-five years.
Roy Halladay – Pitched for about ten minutes, then put up the white flag on his season. I’m sure that’s absolutely lovely for the people in weekly leagues who went with him because of his two-start week vs. the Marlins and a resting-for-the-playoffs Braves. The Phils said Halladay’s arm was suffering from general fatigue. Wasn’t that Prince Valium’s dad?
Nate Eovaldi – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Gets the Tigers in his next start and the Stream-o-Nator is correctly hesitant, but if the Tigers are sitting their regulars, I could see it if you’re desperate. On a related note, who the hell thought it was a good idea to put the Tigers vs. the Marlins on the last day of the season. I opened up three sources to make sure I was seeing the right info. What if the Tigers were in a dog fight with a division rival? Someone wants to see them go against a team who everyone knew would be awful at the time they made the schedule? Why not have the Tigers face the Washington Generals? What a joke. That’s what baseball gets for making Selig commissioner simply because he looks like Stephen Hawking.
Ed Lucas – 2-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .400 in the last week. If you had the over for number of times I’d talk about Lucas, you surprisingly won. You get a lifetime supply of sarcasm and three ‘And that’s me quoting me’s whenever you want*. *Offer not available outside the U.S.
Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.14. Pitched so well this year, he should go by Chazz Morton and grow some mutton chops. You deserve facial hair accoutrements, Chazz!
Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 1 ER. If there was any doubt about who the closer was, Melancon came in the 8th inning, gave up a run and watched as Jason Grilli got the save. In pithier terms, Melancon closed a screen door on the Runs Submarine, and Grilli Sham-Wow’d the flood.
Neil Walker – 1-for-5 and his 14th homer and his 4th homer in the last five days. No, he won’t keep it up long term, but there’s six days left. Who cares about long term? You’re not settling down with him and gonna buy a cottage in Ireland.
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Mets. Looks like he’s back just in time for the real playoffs, though I’ll be interested to see how he does because his delivery appeared a bit labored. Luckily, he had a strong midwife in Ryan Hanigan.
Shin-Soo Choo – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and 2 steals (19, 20). Kinda crazy how consistent he is (2-4 HRs/month, 2-4 steals/month), considering how incongruous his splits are, assuming incongruous is used correctly there and I’m almost sure it’s not.
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 12 Ks. H2H owners, “About time!” Everyone else, “Where the hell was that all year?!”
Yordano Ventura – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 6 Ks. Watching him, there’s moments where I can’t imagine anyone ever getting a hit off him. Then there’s other moments where I can’t imagine anyone getting a hit off him and he can’t hit the broadside of Pablo Sandoval.
Jed Lowrie – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer and 3rd homer in the last five games. TMZ caught some post-clinching celebration last night with the A’s, but it didn’t stop J-Low. Just don’t refer to him and Donaldson as Donifer.
Howie Kendrick – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer; his first homer since July 6th. Howie doesn’t seem like the right reporter question. More like Whereyoubeenie.
Mike Minor – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Brewers. Might be his last start of the year. He’s scheduled to go Saturday, but I could see him getting bumped or only throwing three innings due to the inpending playoffs. Even if the word is impending. Inpending sounds better though, doesn’t it? Maybe we use that.
Marco Estrada – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.02. I told you he was a sleeper! If he gets his ERA under 4 on the year (which he should since his final start is in Metco), it’ll completely cloud the perception of how miserable his season was on actual teams. I guarantee no one has an ERA under 4 from Estrada on their team’s active stats if they drafted him. *checking team* Okay, I do, but I dropped him really early (24 1/3 IP on my team with a 3.70 ERA — wow, I’m impatient). BTW, somehow in my active stats, I have Niese with a 2.60 ERA, Kyle Kendrick at 2.40 and Martin Perez at 2.73. Those premature drops worked out great. My drop of Jose Fernandez with a 2.81 ERA after 16 IP, not so good.
Aramis Ramirez – 3-for-4 and his 12th homer, and his second in the last three games. Hasn’t really been bad when healthy. Unfortch, he suffers from the same condition as Glass Chipper and I don’t think we ever see Aramis healthy again for a whole year. Father Time has caught up to him. No relation, but they do share a name. His full name is Aramiss Time Ramirez.
Elvis Andrus – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Having himself a solid 2nd half (4 HRs, 21 SBs, .324) and will only be 25 years old next year. I could see getting really excited next year about Elvis, to the point where cameras have to film me from the waist up.
Derek Holland – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.33, which is bad luck because it’s the symbol for a midget devil.
Tanner Roark – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. Roark goes to the Diamondbacks for his last start, and I could see it going either way for streaming purposes, so only if you really need it. This is all assuming he doesn’t hang outside in Arizona too long and become Sunburn Roark.
Trevor Rosenthal – Notched his first save as the Cardinals deal with a virtual closercopia of options in the ninth. They started the last inning with Siegrist and ended it with Rosenthal, which is probably how it will remain, and then Rosenthal will look crazy dominant in the playoffs and any hope you have of getting him for a discount next year will go out the window. I saw that, and it didn’t help you that you just closed a window.
Jose Quintana – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.45. He’s in that sweet spot for next year where someone will draft him, thinking they’re smarter than everyone else, and then they will drop him after two bad starts and then he’ll do well for the next four months. What? My crystal ball is precise.
Avisail Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer as he bats near .4oo in the last week. I told everyone to pick him up yesterday because he’s a hot schmotato. What’s the matter? You on the Atkins diet? Schmotatoes are allowed.
Joe Mauer – Shut down for the rest of the year due to his concussion. Somewhere in Minnesota, an unattractive Norwegian woman is beginning to knit a sweater that reads, “Get Well Soon, Joe.”
Brian Dozier – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 18th homer, hitting over .400 in the last week as he bats out of the three hole. Last year, it was Plouffe pretending to be an All-Star in Minnesota and next year it’ll be…Pedro Florimon? Chris Parmelee? The transgender player, Chris Herrmann?
Will Venable – May not play again this season. Bud Black said, “He’s sore. It’s where the hip flexor meets the abdomen.” On the bright side, if the hip flexor can find someone, so can you!