Out on the road today, I saw a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac, and the illustration next to it was Salvador Perez’s abuelita. A little voice inside my head said, “Don’t look back. You can never look back.” I thought I knew what love was. I owned Javier Baez in every league I could grab him, but what did I know? Those minor league days are gone forever. He’s got to let them go! I can see you, Baez, your brown skin shinin’ in the sun. You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on, baby. And I can tell you, my love for you will still be strong. Not Giancarlo strong, but strong never the hoo! Baez’s minor league numbers are eye-popping like John Lithgow in The Twilight Zone Movie — 23 homers, 16 steals and a .260 average in only 104 games. What are you? A 35/25 guy at shortstop? Why stop there? Why not just dress up like the Sun-Maid girl and feed me shrunken grapes? What? It’s my fantasy! Like Don Henley and later The Ataris sang, I grabbed Baez in every league that I could. He might not be any better than, say, Danny Santana this year, his K-rate in the minors is a little scary, and he might hit .220. Whatevs, it’s an upside gamble, which I like at middle infield. I’m guessing Baez will play 2nd base, Arismendy (I still love you!) will move to center field and one of the Cubs platooners will sit. To paraphrase Harry Caray, if the moon was made of Javier Baez would cha eat it? Well, would cha? I would! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Andrew McCutchen – Could miss a month with a serious oblique injury. I.e., Andrew’s McClutchin’ his side. I said yesterday it looked like an oblique injury while the Pirates “weren’t sure of the problem.” I’m sorry, but how can teams not be sure of the problem, when I simply watched the replay and diagnosed him? Sure, I’ve written 70% of WebMD’s entries, but are they joking or are they stupid? Joking or stupid? Tomato or Dopey Stupid Face? Answer me; I shall wait. Too long! They’re idiots. Starling Marte will take over for The Dread Pirate in center, which means Travis Snider will continue to see playing time.
Dan Uggla – Rejected a Triple-A assignment. Willie McGee once rejected his reflection but it didn’t change the fact he was ugly.
Matt Cain – Will have elbow surgery and hopes to be ready to start next year. Like my tigerfish, I wait with baited breath. Oh, and this means the Giants did get to do a trading deadline move! They moved Cain from the 15-day to the 60-day DL.
Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA up to 2.74. He’s been steady as a rock as he slowly regresses. Call him Regressive Rock because Yes, he’s in no Rush.
Pablo Sandoval – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, raising his average to .280. Member when I told you buy him after his April when he was hitting .176? We were younger then, and you had more hair on your head and less on your back. Oh, and in that post, I also told you to sell Shin-Soo Choo. I eat the watermelon Tic-Tac before I kiss myself I always jump back. Yo, gee, my ‘pertness is stacked, and you know that!
Joe Panik – 3-for-4, hitting .231, and I wouldn’t dance with Panik! at a disco or any other music-playing venue.
Dillon Gee – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. He looked pretty decent — Gee, lowercase yay. He didn’t look like he was nursing an injury or anything, but I also agree with the Stream-o-Nator and don’t love his next start.
Daniel Murphy – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (12). If I hate him long enough, I’m sure he’ll disappoint at some point. Or maybe if I suddenly start liking him, he’ll disappoint. What say you, God of Faulty Logic?
Bobby Abreu – Designated for assignment. The Mets have been trying to do this for a few weeks now, but their choice of language was confusing him. They’d say “Take a walk,” and he’d say, “Bobby always works the pitchers.”
Brett Lawrie – Will be activated from the DL today. T-Minus 5 days until some random injury.
Tyler Flowers – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Would’ve made a nice batty call, but we both know that Flowers and batty calls don’t go together. You don’t leave flowers, you leave behind a wrapped bar of hotel soap, because you think you’re a baller like Jeter.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-2, 1 run and his 12th steal. Whatcha Eaton? A hot schmotato.
Hector Noesi – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, but there were two unearned runs and rain ended it, so he finished this game by a Noesi.
Rougned Odor – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Ah, only three short months ago, he was Javier Baez, with high hopes and crazy expectations and– Stop killing my Javier Baez buzz, Random Italicized Voice! Yeah, we’ll leave that to Baez’s actual play. Damn, you sound like someone kicked your Random Italicized puppy. I’m sorry, I’m trying not to drink coffee; it sucks!
Nate McLouth – Hit the DL with an inflamed shoulder. That’s the first time he’s been hot in four years.
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. He didn’t quite have the power that Goldschmidt had, but Ramos has really struggled to return from his hamate bone injury. Au, Godly, why?!
Tanner Roark – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.97. The Regression Fairies have a friend that once dated Anderson Cooper, they have kitschy coasters that have on them Flo saying, “Kiss my grits,” and they will destroy your ratios.
Jim Johnson – Threw a side session with the Orioles. A’s or O’s, I object to grabbing him, he’s abject.
Nick Markakis – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer and now homers in back-to-back games. You and I both know he’s been Nick Bupkis more than he’s not, but maybe the Greek God of Slap Hits has generated some short-term Sparkakis, and is worth grabbing.
Caleb Joseph – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in his last two starts. Ding, ding, ding! We’ve got a wiener! The most unathletic name goes to Caleb Joseph! Tell him what he’s won? A detachable priest’s collar!
J.J. Hardy – 4-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .279. Not sure what kind of O. Henry fable he’s writing for himself, but the decent average is nice, the lack of homers is not.
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, 3.77 ERA and a 5.77 K/9. Gonna be hard to peg him for next year, but I get the feeling that everything he’s doing this year will have no bearing whatsoever on his next year. If he has another year of a sub-6 K/9 with a 95 MPH fastball, I’ll eat my hat. Granted, I’m wearing a tostada for a hat, but still.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. Only 19 more– Yeah, forget that. Just get to 24 homers on the year, and I’ll agree to go to counseling with you this offseason.
Alex Cobb – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. That wasn’t a start for the ages, except maybe Sabathia’s middle ages.
Desmond Jennings – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 14th steal. On a real baseball note, is there more sub-.250 hitters with a sad OBP batting leadoff this year than any previous year? Rickey Henderson is shaking his head in third person.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.09 on the A’s. Well, it’s 3.09 on the S, M, R, D, Z, I and J too.
Jed Lowrie – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. Hasn’t been hitting a ton in the last week. Or really much this season. One Jedd came out of it though, there’s hope for all Jeds, which is an I short of Star Wars fan fiction.
Yadier Molina – Making progress in his recovery. Probably can’t wait to get out of the house before an incident happens with the triple-decker bunk beds.
Michael Bourn – Will start his rehab today. Or Wii start, if he’s just playing in simulated games.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th steal. I need 51 more games just like this. What, too much to ask? P to the fft! It’s Michael effin’ Brantley.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Doode pulled a Rip Van Winkle there for about six weeks. Props to those of you that sold him high. Further props to those of you who still use the term props. If Lonnie Gonnie is back on waivers, I’d watch him like a cyclops with monocle in case he’s getting hot again.
Yan Gomes – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. I’ve had Gomes so long on my team, my catcher scab has completely healed and it doesn’t even itch anymore. Aloe vera and the occasional homer really does wonders.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 1st steal. Sorry, friend, the line for hot schmotato middle infielders starts about ten guys back.
Corey Kluber – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. When are the Indians going to fully embrace Kluber, and give out glow sticks at the gate for the games when he pitches? Or at least have shady guys at the gates passing out clove cigarettes.
Alfredo Simon – 5 IP, 5 ER. Alfredo creamed.
Josh Hamilton – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. He’s now tied with Brandon Hicks and Michael Choice for homers on the year. One more homer and he’s reached the almighty Yasmani Grandal and Scott Van Slyke.
Garrett Richards – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks in 122 pitches. There’s been nothing meh about Richards’s numbers thus far – near-9 K/9, sub-3 BB/9, 3.21 xFIP. Survey says, Richards awesome!
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, raising his ERA to 2.71. Two errors by Hanley made this game out of reach early, but Hanley gave the Dodger fans a more apologetic shrug than usual, so all’s forgiven.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks. This has nothing to do with anything, but there’s nothing to say on this Scherzer start. Any the hoo! The Razzball Tour has started and I found someone who looks like it’s Guru and Sky’s long-lost brother.
Brandon McCarthy – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, 2.08 ERA on the Yanks. Pretty amazing the about face his luck took going to New York. He wasn’t that bad in Arizona (5.01 ERA) if you remove bad luck, and he’s not this good if you remove favorable luck. Ridiculous. Or in the Yanks case, ridiculou2.
David Phelps – Hit the DL with an elbow injury. Buhner never had any problems with his elbow!
Masahiro Tanaka – Played catch on Monday. Great news if you’re in a league with the category, “Paternal Moments.”