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Did I just get something from nothing?  Because Justin Upton is nothing, and I got something yesterday — 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (2).  Therefore, hence, Argo the movie, vis-a-vis, I got something from nothing.  Take that all of you non-believers!  And you said he would never come around to be worth that top 25 pick.  I pfft on you.  A big fat pfft.  Come here, accept my pfft.  I got one good game from him out of 57!  Holy schnikeballs, I got only one good game from my 2nd rounder?  Please, neighbor’s cat, don’t confuse me for a ball of yarn as I curl up in a ball and sob.  Please, stop tapping me with your paw.  I am not a ball of yarn.  So, can Upton turn it around?  I believe he can.  At least moderately.  Last year, he hit two homers and .196 in June and .162 in July.  And you still drafted him this year, so apparently you don’t care about two-month slumps.  In 2014, he had a month of .226 with 3 HRs and a month of .169 with 3 HRs.  This year in April, he had a 38% strikeout percentage, 34% in May and 22% in June.  He’s already seeing the ball better.  If he finishes June with 6 homers and .259, then hit .343 in May, would you be shocked?  Well, you shouldn’t be, because those were months he did last year when he also had two sub-.200 months.  Upton gets awful for months; it’s what he does.  He also gets hot for months.  Unfortunately, the slump months came to start the season so it was more pronounced.  Pronounced specifically as:  Gäd, h? s?ks.  And, remember, it takes the Uptons a while to adjust to new leagues.  It took Melvin Upton three years and a first name change to adjust to the NL.  Hopefully, this is the start of something so Justin doesn’t have to resort to being Melvin Upton Jr. Jr.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get to the roundup, just wanted to alert people Rudy released a MLB projections update late last night.  We were the best, now we’re the bestie-best!  Small distinction, but it’s worth noting.  So, noted!  Anyway II, the roundup:

Michael Fulmer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.83.  JB returns from the Alaskan wilderness of frigid temperatures and saying to his wife, “Hey, how do I look wearing this pelt?” to host today’s podcast and we go over Fulmer in, uh, full.  Twice last week I said I’d buy him, so obviously that hasn’t changed.

Nick Castellanos – 2-for-5, 3 runs, hitting .317.  Good to see Nick return, I thought for a second he was replaced by his dopey brother, Nyuck.

James McCann – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  This was his 2nd homer in the past four games.  I guess I have to say he’s hot, since I was saying nice things about Upton, and McCann has nearly the same HRs and RBIs.

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4, hitting .419.  He almost has a month of at-bats.  Maybin, this time will be different.  Yeah, prolly not.

J.A. Happ – 5 IP, 6 ER.  Happless.

Trea Turner – Optioned back to the minors.  To put this in visual terms, Dusty held a tiny screwdriver in one hand, and a large-threaded bolt in his other, as he stood over a completed Ikea desk.  Dusty shrugged and threw away what appeared to be an unnecessary bolt and scratched his ass with the tiny screwdriver.

Ryan Zimmerman – Returned from paternity leave.  He named his child, Jordan, and traded the baby to the Tigers for a baby to be named later.

Andrelton Simmons – Due to progress with his thumb, he says he’s ready for games.  Luckily, he’s not a professional thumb wrestler.

Matt Shoemaker – 7 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.40.  I’m not going to make excuses for him, but I am.  He got the shizz end of the luck stick last night.  He gave up two runs, then a reliever came in and gave up two inherited runs on a Carlos Beltran 3-run homer.

Starlin Castro – 2-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .255.  Castro must’ve heard people talking about dropping him in the comments yesterday.   Or it’s totally coincidental.  Nah, prolly the former.  If former means the first one, that shizz is confusing.

Brian McCann – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .222.  McCann needs more eye surgery!  Forget the Lasik, he needs the Wade Boggs Special!  15/15/10.  15/15 on the eyes, and 10 chicken drumettes.

Masahiro Tanaka – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.76.  Tanaka says tendons are for a 17th century person stringing a tennis racket!

Ken Giles – 2/3 IP, 1 ER and the loss.  A.J. Hinch said the Astros would use a closer-by-committee.  No, not the dreaded closer-by-committee!  The only thing ever made better by committee was jerk seasoning!  Oh, well.  I’d go Harris, Gregerson, Giles then Feliz, in that order.  It could easily be any of them that emerge.  Yesterday, I would’ve said Giles, tomorrow I might say Gregerson, today I’m saying Harris because he actually closed a game on Sunday and Giles lost one yesterday.

Mike Fiers – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.00.  To misquote FDR, the only thing to fear is Fiers himself.

Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (17), hitting .336.  Straight from Altuve’s autobiography, Little Man, Big Stick, “When the waitress said to George Springer in Spring Training of 2016, ‘Can we get your son a booster seat?’  It drove me to become better.”

Luis Valbuena – 2-for-4.  For what it’s Jayson Werth, I’ve held Valbuena since he was hot last week.  Not actually Werth a ton, because he’s cooled off dramatically.

Rougned Odor – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer.  *breathes in*  Damn, I love that Odor.

Colby Lewis – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.20.  Okay, we’re far enough into the season where I can look to see if Lewis peripherals are showing me something.  *looks*  Oh, Hayzeus Cristo, they are bad.

Juan Lagares – Has a torn thumb ligament, but traveled with the team and might be able to play through it.  He said, “Hey, it’s not like the Mets play me anyway.”

Jason Heyward – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Heyward Owner Who Dropped Him, “Hmm, I’m gonna regret that, aren’t I?  At least I held Prince Fielder.  Wait, that’s not good, either.”

Jorge Soler – Sounds to be headed to the DL with a hamstring injury.  This is neither here nor there, but I get the feeling Soler needs a new team to break out.  It’s a Cubs’ lovefest this year and Soler’s got tickets for Lilith Ur-Merely-Fair.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .312 with a .429.  Dexter’s been killer!

Jon Lester – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, and again no steals allowed.  What happened to the ‘Lester gives up steals’ narrative?  I used to enjoy streaming hitters against him and binge watching my steals pile up.  Did an old dog learn new tricks?  Wouldn’t be the first time.  Elias Sports Bureau, Westminster Dog Show division, says an old dog did learn a new trick in 1978, a Basenji who just wanted the ‘sit’ thing to end.

Tommy Joseph – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting near .350 in the last week, and has three homers in his last nine games.  I keep saying to pick him up; not sure if anyone’s listening; or maybe that’s reading; semi-colons are fun.

Freddy Galvis – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  That was his first hit in a week.  And he was batting 2nd.  Aw, Phillies, you’re so cute.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer.  I’m not actively rooting for his hamstring to pop.  I’m totally not.  Absolutely not.  Besides, if I were, that would probably have the opposite affect and cause him to stay productive (hmm, maybe that’s the problem.  I’ve painted myself into a logic corner!).

Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .307.  Still has zero steals on the year.  At a certain point, you have to wonder if the Orioles want his gams to stay intact, and have put the brakes on him.

Matt Wieters – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer.  That was his first homer since mid-May, but he does tend to hit ’em in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.

Mike Wright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.14.  I’m gonna go out on a 150-year-old oak limb and say the Stream-o-Nator has never liked a start by Mike Wright.  Or possibly Steven Wright.  Does it dislike Kitty Hawk?

David Peralta – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer as he was activated from the DL.  Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Sorry, I didn’t know I was eating Karen from Accounting’s tapioca.  I thought ESPN had bought everyone tapioca for not mentioning Bill Simmons around the office for one full month.  Can we also not watch HBO?  I forget the rules.”

Chris Archer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.75.  Archer’s start yesterday was more touch and go than play time with your drunk uncle.  The Ks are nice, but the ratio damage is non-stop.  Throw a shutout already, please!

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Damn, did he steal the all-hope-is-lost mojo from Logan Morrison (0-for-3, 1 run)?

Kolten Wong – With Jhonny Peralta returning today, Wong was optioned down to Triple-A.  Let’s see, in years past, I’ve gotten excited about Josh Rutledge, Brad Miller, Jedd Gyorko and Kolten Wong.  I have the ability to make middle infielders’ careers disappear.  Call me David Stopperfield.

Yangervis Solarte – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Hitting near-.350 in the last week, and has four homers in the last eleven games (sample sizes!).  Can’t say I’d grab him, but if you’re desperate, might have a little schmotato in him.

Brandon McCarthy – Ready for a rehab assignment.  Three over-the-internet dollars says he gets shut down before returning to the majors.  C’mon, it’s three fake dollars!  What are you…chicken?

Tyler Chatwood – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.79.  Chatwood is the only name that is both a porn actor name and a city where porn is filmed.  As for fantasy, er, fantasy baseball, Chatwood has a bleh K-rate, meh walk rate and burpy xFIP.  It’s been a nice run so far that could help NL-Only owners, but you’re crazy if you own him in mixed leagues.

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .268.  For those of you that desperately want to drop Parra, he plays half his games in Coors.  For that alone, you own him.  See LeMahieu, Hundley, etc.

Trevor Story – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer.  I wish I sold Story and Trumbo to myself.

Ketel Marte – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 6th steal as he was activated from the DL.  Bummed to see him return to the bottom of the order, but pumped to see him steal a base.  Nonplussed to not know what nonplussed means.  So many emotions!  If Marte was dropped, and you need speed, I could see grabbing him.

James Paxton – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Gets destroyed by the Padres, takes it to the Indians with some lovely Ks.  Paxton, you are an enigma wrapped in ramen noodles and deep-fried.  Damn, that enigma sounds delicious.  Any hoo!  I could see giving Paxton a shot, but no one, not even Paxton, knows what he’s going to do next.

Rajai Davis – 2-for-4 and a slam (6) and legs (13) as he hit leadoff while Carlos Santana (2-for-4, 1 run) hit fifth.  Terry Francona, stop making sense!

Trevor Bauer – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.88.  This game was in Seattle, but Bauer pitched from Cleveland.  I keed.  Or do I?!  No, I think I do.  Bauer gets the Angels next, and the Stream-o-Nator hates it, but I could see a little stream action if desperate.

Danny Salazar – Was scratched with shoulder fatigue.  It’s fah-tee-gay, it’s Italian!  Yeah, this isn’t a good sign, but if you want, I’ll help organize a prayer octagon.

Michael Brantley – Yahoo’s Jeff Passan said, “There’s serious concern that Brantley is going to miss a significant amount of time.”  Then the Indians said, “(There’s) nothing really new,” on Brantley.  Just think, you went to a four-year school, got yourself a diploma, struggle to make ends meet, and this whole time, no one, and I mean no one, told you that you could report the obvious and get paid to do it.  I should be a career counselor.  “Hey, Johnny Totberger, I see you have a passing interest in sports and whenever anyone does something stupid in class you say, ‘Ooh, he’s gonna get in trouble for that.’  Have you thought about sportswriting?”  “I don’t know if I can, Mr. Oliver.”  Mr. Oliver stands up and limps to the door.  “Try it, Johnny.”  “Um, okay.  Mr. Oliver appears to be favoring his right leg, and is considered day-to-day.”  “See!  You got it!”  “Thanks, Mr. Oliver.  I have to be honest, when I was called to your office, I thought you were going to make a pass at me.”