We all need a little wonder, so let me pose a question to you after this clunky intro. Was Matt Cain‘s perfect game the best one game pitching performance in major league history? I pose that question to you, young prematurely balding man, not to answer. Remember, I can’t hear you, unless you scream louder than 200 decibels. I pose this to you to put awe in your heart. A piece of childhood shoved right into your aorta. I’m saying, remove your short-sleeved button down shirt, and let me touch your heart with my question. A 14 K perfect game is kinda hard to top. I mean, I liked Pedro Martinez body slamming Don Zimmer as much as the next man, but the only pitcher to have 14 Ks in a perfect game was Sandy Koufax and he was coming off a Shabbos. Yesterday, was pure shock and “Aw crap, why don’t I have him on one single team?! I love Matt Cain! Bumgarner, you better throw a 15 K perfecto next time out!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Belt – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer in as many games. There’s gonna be some hot schmotatos mentioned further down this post, even a hot thotato, but Belt is an immediate pick up. If he’s clicking, he could be a top twelve 1st baseman, like fo’ reals fo’ reals.
R.A. Dickey – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, no walks, 12 Ks and his 10th win. If I were writing titles for the New York Post, I would’ve went with “Dickey Pitches Fantasy Owners’ Tent.” Long time Green Bay Packer fans must love the fact that the first two guys to ten wins are Lynn and Dickey. I watched yesterday’s game from start to finish… Okay, I stopped for about five minutes to find a snack, only found wasabi sunflower seeds that are about 3 months old — whatever, nom nom. I’m leaving the double entendres aside today. I’m getting real with you. Yesterday, R.A. looked better than Johan’s no hitter. The only hit was an infield single by Upton… A B.J. blemishes a Dickey? Sounds like teeth were involved. Okay, no more double entendres! In the past, I worried that Dickey didn’t know where the ball was going. But Dickey’s no jerkoff — all right, no more. He doesn’t know where the ball is going, but neither does the hitter. Dickey is a master of his domain — hmm, is that one? Dickey’s been scored on less than the virgin cowboy from the The Real World. In the past four games, zero runs — that’s in 32 2/3 IP! His K:BB is 90:19. His WHIP — 0.94! These are Cy Young numbers. “Are you serious right now, Grey?” That’s you as you lick the Cheetos orange off your fingers. I’m totally serious. He’s only had one bad start all year, and, unfortunately, due to the knuckler, clause separated by commas, I worry that he’s prone to huge blowouts, but I’m willing to say he’s a top 10 starter right now.
Ike Davis – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI. On Tuesday, he hit a homer, then yesterday he looked solid against a tough pitcher. I don’t want to say he’s turned the corner yet, but he’s definitely looking around the corner building building (stutterer!) up confidence to turn.
Kyle Drabek – Left his start vs. WAS after 4 1/3 IP. Not a good week to be a Blue Jay starter. The last time this many Blue Jay pitchers were knocked out was at the request of Ricky Romero’s mama. Drop Drabek in 12-team leagues if you hadn’t already because of his mediocre performance.
Kris Medlen – Braves announced they’re stretching him out in the minors but aren’t sure how they’re going to use him in the majors, i.e., he may not be a starter, i.e., huh? This is due to recent improvements of Delgado and Minor. Not to mention, Medlen’s continued practice of getting involved in everyone’s business.
Mat Latos – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Sonavabench! Has this happened to you before (I’m sure it has, but humor me), you bench your starter and you have no idea what you’re rooting for. Mediocre with a no decision? Pitch solidly? Pitch a solid?
David Price – 5 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners, 8 Ks to push his ERA up to 3.01. I’m under contractual obligation to only mention him when he pitches poorly. Something I signed at the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston.
P.J. Walters – Left yesterday’s start with a shoulder injury, but if P.J.’s on your team you’re asleep.
Jake Arrieta – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, and his last game was a 4 IP, 9 ER drubbing. If that excites you, I have a videotaped Connect Four match between two Civil War reenactors.
Chris Davis- 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. The power is real, but his average (.307) will come down, but who cares? He’s doing better than Longoria at this point. If I had access to the government’s time machine (and they have one!), then I’d go back in time to March 2012 and draft Chris Davis as the first 3rd baseman off the board in every league just so I can see my leaguemates’ faces. (I’d still draft Howie Kendrick in the 6th round. I’m a slacker like my father!)
Mark Reynolds – Back-to-back 2-for-4 days from Mini Donkey. Remember, he could still get to 3o-plus homers and he’s only at 4 homers now. That means he’s due for like 120 more homers! (Sorry, math’s not my strong suit.)
Troy Tulowitzki – Re-injured his groin in a rehab game. May be out another few weeks. Right now, the Denver Post is reporting he’s “Heading Back To Denver For A Groin Exam,” which I think was a Dylan B-side.
Michael Cuddyer – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homers. Not that long ago I said Cuddyer might be similar to Uggla this year without the name value; he’s actually looking better.
Aroldis Chapman – Recorded another save, but also gave up a run for his third straight game. On a side note, every closer in the history of the game has gone by his last name, except Rollie Fingers, Mariano and Aroldis Chapman. Weird, but true. Now your mind is blown.
Felix Doubront – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks. From the Stats You Should Know Department, the Marlins are next to last for runs in June, and the bottom of the league in a ton of offensive categories for the year. Infante and Stanton have been struggling, Gaby’s a mess and they’re playing Solano and Ruggiano, who sound like the cheese you return from the supermarket with, prompting your mom to say, “I told you to just get Parmesan.”
Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs as he started in right field while Middlebrooks went 0-for-4 as he hits .222 over the last week. The moral of this story, guys playing out of position hit better because they know their defense will be a mess. This was taught in the Dick Stuart-directed instructional film, “Dr. Strangeglove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying about Fielding and Loved to Hit Bombs.”
Kevin Youkilis – Sat out with sore ribs. Weird, I didn’t know he had any ribbies this year.
Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Lance Lynn 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks as two guys I dropped in the RCL did battle. Seriously, it’s no wonder I’m in 7th place. My itchy trigger finger is about as sharp as Don Knotts’. Oh well, sometimes you roll snake eyes and sometimes you roll your eyes.
Adam Dunn – Out yesterday with a slight ankle sprain. C’mon, Big Donkey, you got three more ankles!
Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 6 ER to record his 9th win. Murray Chass just cast his vote for Hamels to win the Cy Young. He does it in June cause this is when pennants are won!
Freddy Galvis – Has a fracture in his back, will need to wear a brace and could miss the rest of the year. In related news, Utley has us bracing for his comeback all year.
John Mayberry Jr. – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Dick Stuart, Don Knotts, Mayberry… It’s like I just stepped out of a time capsule.
Jim Thome – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and a homer. Wow, it really is time capsule day when General K. Walk Homerton goes yard.
Carlos Beltran – 3-for-4 with his 19th homer. Can we start wagers now for next year? Over/under for his homers for all of next year, I’ll put it at 19.
Chris Carpenter – Threw off the mound yesterday. He’s hoping to get the call to start the all-DL All-Star Game for the NL.
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4, 1 RBI and Plouffe goes the dynamite! 4 times now in 5 games. I don’t care if his name translates to the sound the toilet water makes when crap lands in it, he should be owned now in all leagues.
Josh Willingham – Hit his 13th homer and 2nd in two days. The Other White Meat is energized by Plouffe, which will get you caned in Singapore.
Brennan Boesch – 4-for-5, 2 run, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Over the last week, he’s hitting close to .400 (4 hits yesterday doesn’t hurt, obviously). He’s raised his average thirty points in the last week. Coming into the year, there was a lot of pressure on him by the fantasy baseball community to produce (as if that matters), but now he might finally be turning it on.
Nate Eovaldi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Okay, I’ll buy that for a dollar. He’s pitching in a good park, in a terrible hitting division and he gets the A’s next. Yes, please and thank you.
Tim Collins – 1 IP, 0 ER and the win. Pfft, he’s a middle man! Hold on, Pfft’er. His stats right now: 29 1/3 IP, 43 Ks, 10 walks.
Ryan Cook – Got the save yesterday. By committee my Bumgarner! Cook’s the closer. I’d lose Balfour and Fuentes, in reverse order, unless you’re reading this in a mirror. !yeh
Yoenis Cespedes – Left yesterday’s game re-aggravating his hamstring. Maybe he shouldn’t have said he’d be better off without a hamstring. That kind of comment is aggravating.
Seth Smith – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. He’s hitting near .500 over the last week. The Lisper’s Nightmare is one hot thotato.
Brandon McCarthy – A’s are saying McCarthy could avoid a DL stint since the MRI revealed no shoulder damage. In solidarity with the similarly abbreviated Rhode Island, MRIs will be misdiagnosing all major league pitchers.
Ian Desmond – Hit his 9th homer yesterday. Ryan Zimmerman has three. I HATE YOU RYAN ZIMMERMAN! Sorry, spilled orange soda on my keyboard and the keys are sticky. Zimmerman should be forced to work one of those winter fantasy camps where the Account Manager from your company goes to play ball with Mike Pagliarulo.
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks to move his record to 8-1. Lincecum called and said, “I’ll see you in 5 years.”
Tyler Moore – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs with two homers. He has nice power, but nowhere to play once the Nats lose the DH as long as LaRoche is healthy. I’ll say this about Tyler Moore, he has a better bat than Louis Dreyfus.