It’s not easy to give up 11 runs in 4 innings. You have to have the faith of your manager, first of all. Second of all, why does Jon Lester have the faith of his manager? Or anyone, for that matter. After today, his ERA is at 5.46 and WHIP is 1.46. Symmetry is about all he has going for him. You don’t get near August with a WHIP and ERA that bad with one or two shaky outings. He’s been terrible all season. People were saying he’s throwing to more contact this year, hence the drop in K-rate. Yeah, a pitch-to-contact approach is great for the hitters he’s facing. You know who else pitches to contact? A batting practice pitcher. Also, whose bright idea was it for him to pitch to contact in Fenway? Isn’t this about one of the worst parks for that? Petco = pitch to contact; Fenway = strike people out. He’s all but abandoned his cutter, which was his most effective pitch last year. Speaking of cutter, in some shallower leagues, I’d stop waiting for him to come around. There’s too many pitchers on waivers. In deeper leagues, you need to pray he can get his shizz together, but I’d bench him until he shows some sign. The one bright spot is he has a 3.04 ERA in road games, where parks are more forgiving to him giving up a line drive rate that is on par with Bruce Chen. And now you’re soiling Bruce Chen’s name! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Adrian Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 9th homer. He’s finally hitting again like he’s in Petco.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-5 with his first homer. The loyalty you showed holding him through his lengthy DL stint finally paid off. Remember, you can also tell a prospective mate one day about that loyalty, just don’t tell her it’s in regards to fantasy baseball. You’ll sorta defeat the purpose.
Brett Myers – It was a foregone conclusion once the Astros were out of it they would trade him, so at least they didn’t trade him in March. Oh, I know. The Astros could be contenders if Brett Wallace, J.D. Martinez, Bogusevic, Chris Johnson, Marwin Gonzalez, Jordan Schafer and Scott Moore (the guy from Project Greenlight?) play up to their level next year when they switch leagues. And if they switch leagues to the Little League. Is there a position player on their team right now that would be a starter for the Yankees? How about the Rangers? Or the Mariners? The Astros traded Myers to the White Sox to set up Addison Reed. This just about kills Myers’s value, but Reed’s been shaky, so I’d hold Myers for a few if I had room. The Astros then had the in-house option of Wilton Lopez to go with — 2.23 ERA, 0.96 WHIP — but a competent closer would’ve only illustrated how bad the Astros were, so they went with the closer that would complement them the best — Francisco Cordero (5.60 ERA, 1.76 WHIP). In all seriousness, is the team’s management as terrible as the players? Who the hell would pass over Lopez to go with Cordero? It’s like you’re at the Denny’s buffet and you know the pancakes are good, but you got botulism from the sausage last time, so you just go with that again. I wonder if it’s because they’re so used to hearing “Houston, we have a problem,” they’re playing down to expectations like a child with parents who are never proud of them. Whoa, I better book an appointment with my shrink.
Blake Beavan – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. I would’ve picked him up, but my fantasy team name is Ain’t No This Beavan.
Ichiro Suzuki – 0-for-4 with 2 steals, hitting .261 on the year. You know what happens when a guy whose entire game was contingent on beating out infield singles, loses a step to age? See Ichiro’s last two years. You know what you get when there’s silly hype about a player when all signs are pointing elsewhere? Ichiro and the preseason rumors that he’s just going to start hitting for power this year.
Jesus Montero – 2-for-4 and a RBI to raise his average to .261. The Mariners first three hitters in their lineup are all hitting .261. Elias Sports Bureau said the last time the first three hitters in a lineup were hitting the same thing is Opening Day with a 30 team tie.
Matt Moore – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. He hasn’t been good this year, no doubt, Stefani. But he still has an ERA of 4.23 compared to 5.46 for Lester.
Jeff Karstens – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks lowering his ERA to 3.52. Is he awesome, no. Effective lately, yes. Regression will ensue.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs with his 21st homer and 2nd this weekend. You may be surprised to see Pedro from Pittsburgh has 21 homers. You may be thinking to yourself you should’ve never dropped him or you should’ve drafted him. Well, you don’t have the full story. He’s also batting .232. Not so great, backwards or forwards. Oddly enough (depending on your definition of odd), if he gets to 30 homers and .250, you’re gonna be crazy excited about him next year. If he gets to 28 homers and .240, you’re not going to care as much. You are all a bunch of rounder-uppers.
Matt Garza – Had triceps cramping, but the Cubs believe he’ll be ready to go for his next start. The Cubs also said they would trade him and throw in Marmol’s triceps for free.
Jair Jurrjens – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Maybe they can get an editor to cut Jar-Jar out of the entire Braves season.
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. Is he getting a cortisone shot before every at-bat?
Ross Detwiler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, his ERA is now at 3.01 in 92 2/3 IP. Go to one of your teams and randomly pull up your number three starter’s stats. How does Detwiler’s stats compare? Yup.
Roger Bernadina – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a steal and 8 for his last 11 with two steals. So RB hasn’t always brought the roast beef this year, but he’s providing some horsey sauce now.
Ian Desmond – Diagnosed with a torn oblique. Metaphorically, a torn oblique is like when your lady friend is hinting she wants you to buy her dinner and instead you buy her a pound of beef so she can make you dinner. Literally, a torn oblique is gonna knock Desmond out until the end of August, maybe longer.
Nate Schierholtz – 2-for-5 with 2 homers. Also, in this game, John Mayberry Jr. hit two homers. The Jeopardy category “Two Guys Who Hit Two Homers In The Same Game Who Probably Weren’t On Any Fantasy Mixed Teams” is rounding out nicely.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Now has three solid starts in a row after going on an extended run of dung. He’s still blowing away his minor league numbers, which reminds me of Jaime Garcia’s rookie year. However the Cardinals put the fear of God in their rookie pitchers it works. Maybe they have them stand in downtown St. Louis dressed in Coors Light gear asking for the nearest microbrewery.
Roy Oswalt – Will miss his next start with back pain. Oswalt was excited about the suggested treatment until he learned that traction has nothing to do with John Deere-branded equipment.
Michael Fiers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 1.96. You couldn’t get Michael Fiers if you were f**king Michael Fiers!
Nate Eovaldi – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks as he was pulled after 96 pitches and the lead. Dah, I could’ve used that win. Mattingly could learn a thing or two from Dusty. He doesn’t even enter the dugout until the 6th inning and doesn’t start watching the game until the 8th.
Jordany Valdespin – 5 for his last 8 with a homer, but he didn’t start Saturday, because the Mets are hoping Jason Bay Benjamin Buttons four years off his slowing bat.
Daniel Murphy – 4-for-5, one run, one RBI, which comes two days after a 4-for-5 with one run and one RBI Friday performance. He’s like the Irish Polanco — Blanco Borracho.
Matt Harvey – Will start on Thursday for the Mets. Here’s what I said last week about him, “The Mets first prospect with K potential (9+ K /9 in his minor league career) since Kazmir is probably being called up to replace Gee. Pitching at Metco alone warrants consideration in NL-Only leagues. Based on his high BB rates in AAA (almost 4 per 9 innings), expect a lot of 5-6 inning starts. Looking forward to his Kings of Citi Field Tour with Bernie Madoff, D.L. Pelfrey, and Cedeno the Entertainer.” And that’s me quoting me!
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA falls to 2.23. Growing up in the Dominican, Cueto idolized Pedro Martinez, but his parents were both over six feet tall, and Cueto wanted to be short like Pedro. So he went out of his way to stunt his growth, and the coffee, cigarettes and overall lack of nutrition has paid off handsomely.
Brennan Boesch – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a homer. Well, my streak of three straight weeks of Friday’s lead Buy hitting two homers that Friday came to an end, but Boesch still hit two homers this weekend, even taking Chris Sale deep on Saturday. Boesch…and…bomb!
Quintin Berry – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer, but he’s really just a guy for SAGNOF. Speaking of which (hey, clunky segue!), if you want a SAGNOF! t-shirt, we’re selling them.
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-4 and 2 solo homers. He doesn’t ever get really hot? Left mouth says P, right mouth says fft and they drift to the middle of the screen for pfft!
Alex Rios – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer to raise his average to .314. As Stan Gable would say, “Hey, that’s my Pi!”
Henderson Alvarez – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER. The Blue Jays tacked on a truckload of early runs on Lester so Alvarez got the free room at the W.
Rajai Davis – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer, which came a day after he sat for Gose (though Davis did steal a base going 1-for-1 on Saturday). I dropped Gose and Rudy dropped Rajai in a 12 team league, because, with the Snider and Gose additions to the outfield and Lind at DH, the team has too many options. They’re like California in R.B.I. Baseball.
Adam Lind – 1-for-1 as he didn’t start in a game where the Jays scored 15. Holy sit!
Travis Snider – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his first homer. As mentioned above, the Jays have enough hitters for their team and the Astros, but they look like they’re giving Snider a chance to play. I’d definitely grab him if I needed pop, and if you’re reading this in Minnesota, I’m not saying he has soda.
Jeremy Guthrie – 5 IP, 5 ER as he didn’t fare any better leaving the Mile High City for the flat lands of Missouri. Can always see if the Dead Sea Scrollers need a pitcher?
Dan Haren – 6 Ip, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Rangers. Decent start back from the DL, but three walks vs. three Ks is far from spectacular, though it’s also not spectaculess. I’d hold or sell him, definitely wouldn’t be buying.
Ryan Doumit – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. This year Ryan’s homers fell on the weekend… But Doumit was goin’ down we figured… So my fantasy team I reconfigured… God damn, Ron Popeil, my catching slot is playin’ tricks on me…
Zach Britton – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Cleveland. Hey, Britton, stop picking on the Indians and see how you fare against the Yankees. Sorry, this blurb was put through a 1770′s smack talk generator. Britton gets the A’s next, that’s not the worst of starts.
Jason Kubel – 3-for-4 , 2 runs with his 6th homer in the last 7 games. He also homered three times on Saturday. Prolly a tad late on talking about Kubel. I’m *pinkie to mouth* Kubelated. Kirk Cameron must be rocking on his iPod Ben Zobrist’s wife’s song, “Here’s The Church, Here’s The Steeple, God’s Fifth Outfielder Is Jason Kubel.” Then Kirk Cameron would say without irony, “Holy smokes, this is awesome!”
Krispie Young – 1-for-4 with a homer, but more importantly he had a multiple hit game on Saturday (with two steals). His first game of that sort in about five weeks. He also has an extremely modest 4 game hitting streak. Not saying he’s out of that nasty funk or that his shoulder is better, but it’s worth monitoring.
Colby Lewis – Sounds like he’s headed back to the DL with forearm tightness. Maybe if he only had a threearm it wouldn’t be so tight.
Hanley Ramirez – The other day he punched a cooling fan in St. Louis and now can’t grip a bat. That’s the last time he tries to imitate The Fonz. Ozzie’s saying Hanley may not be able to return on the upcoming 6-game homestand and could end up on the DL. In other words, he’s punched out of work.