How great would it be for the Braves to trade for Marlon Byrd? Byrd and Ervin reunited. Byrd, of course, would have to bleach his skin like Sammy Sosa, put a giant yellow Brillo pad on his head for hair and wear some butt-hugging shorts that even white boys got to shout, “Baby got back!” Then Isiah can show up early, kiss them all on the cheek and watch from the sidelines. Ah, to dream (team). Due to a slightly inflated BABIP, Ervin Santana‘s ERA is up a tad from where it should be. Right now, he has the 27th best xFIP, right in front of Adam Wainwright. Speaking of Wainwright, Ervin’s K-rate is better than his. Is Ervin Santana pitching better than Wainwright? I wouldn’t go that far, but I wouldn’t go so far away from that statement either. Doesn’t anyone stay in one place anymore? It would be fine to see your face– Sorry. The great thing about Ervin compared to a Wainwright, he’s not even owned in some leagues. In the leagues where he is owned, how much would it take to get him in a trade? A Brain Freeze? A potato chip that’s in the shape of Sloth from The Goonies? A free ticket to an autograph show where Shelley Duncan is dressed up like Tackleberry from Police Academy? I.e., not much. Go, get Ervin, he’s magic, abracadabra. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Nick Swisher – Sure, when he visited the Ohio State Assembly and argued that the state bird should be depicted with sideburns, we all thought this guy was a total jackass, but he has been hitting in the last month and he’s hitting .212 on the year, which is ridiculously low, even for him.
James Loney – Like Swisher, Loney has no respect for the history of our country, and his trip to the Smithsonian to try and alter Lenny’s Lone Wolf jacket to Loney Wolf, was a slap on the face of American culture, but he is hitting over .400 in the last week.
Emilio Bonifacio – Women’s Lit author, Emily Boneface, who is best known for, “Open The Door For Yourself,” was just activated from the DL, and could be some sweet SAGNOFy goodness in the middle of your fantasy team.
Josh Rutledge – I could tell you to pick up Rutledge while he’s in Coors, as I have already, but I just received an email saying I stand to inherit $27 million dollars from an uncle I didn’t even know I had in Nigeria, so whatevs. I’m rich, biatch!
Conor Gillaspie – The other day I was taking Rudy’s little girl for the afternoon because I’d promised to take her to the circus, and we were in the cab playing “I Spy.” I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamp-post, and she looked out at my phone and saw I had Ryan Zimmerman in my DL slot and she saw my corner slot, and she said, “Gillaspie.” And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home, and I said, “The thing is, Rudy, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment’s notice.”
Arismendy Alcantara – If I could buy the world a Coke, I wouldn’t. Bad for you. Too much sugar. Drink water, you hillbilly. I would pick up Arismendy for everyone’s fantasy team though.
Stephen Drew – Middle infielders are so itsy-bitsy better than catchers. Or itchy-bits as my autocorrect tried to write. I think my autocorrect has crabs. What I mean by my catcher comparison is you can really run through them if your league is shallow enough. Grab one, let him hit for a week or two, watch him get cold and you drop him. Right now, Drew seems to be the latest middle infidel for power.
Jake Petricka – I have no idea what Robin Ventura’s going to do when Matt Lindstrom returns. No one really knows. This is the guy that thought it was a good idea to charge Nolan Ryan. I would own both, but it’s a closerfudge of biblical proportions.
Jake Odorizzi – Since May 1st, he has an ERA of 3.14 in 83 innings. Yup. Want more? Y’all greedy! I like that. In those 83 IP, he has 102 Ks. That’s three months where he’s been better than Verlander BY A LOT– Sorry, my caps lock button sticks sometimes.
Matt Shoemaker – His peripherals are insanely good — 9+ K/9 and sub-1 BB/9. I’d do dirty stuff with those stats. The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his Saturday start, but I’d give him a whirl in most leagues.
Danny Salazar – Throwing this guy in your league is like you’re standing in a room with a guy in hospital scrubs, another guy holding an Igloo cooler and a hot girl who is promising you sex until you’re unconscious and you drop a roofie in your own drink.
Marcus Stroman – I just went over Stroman this morning. If you use your scrolly finger, you can find it. I promise.
Chris Carter – Here comes the story of the Hurry K’d. The man the authorities came to blame for something that he never done like go one-for-one with three walks.
Denard Span – He’s hitting .282 with 17 steals and 61 runs. That’s a pace of 95 runs and 25 steals with a solid average. He’s also owned in 40% of leagues. Okie doke. You can’t even get your feet wet in that shallow of a league.
Kevin Kiermaier – Probably the hottest hitter on the Rays. Why then is he hitting ninth? You’d have to ask Joe Maddon’s tarot card reader.
Hanley Ramirez – I think every Dodger player, except Greinke and Dee Gordon have appeared this year in my Sell column. Not even joking. I’m a hometown hater, huh? I hate to go back on my 2nd half top 100 so soon afterwards, but as I said in that post, things change daily. Hanley is hurt, and even when healthy, he doesn’t seem to want to play. He goes through these funks. I don’t know why. I was surprised he wanted to play last year. He seemed like he hung up his cleats a few years back. As I’ve said before, insouciance doesn’t age well. Think about the hot girl who got all the guys in high school then lost her looks ten years later. She never had to develop a personality and, now at age thirty, she’s screwing guys in the bathroom of some bar with sawdust on the floor and hoping they’ll adopt her two kids, Bob Jr. and Bob Jr. Jr. I don’t want to adopt Hanley’s kids. I wouldn’t trade him for an 8 track of Styx’s The Serpent Is Rising, but I would explore options.