Yasiel Puig‘s been lighting up the mainframe on the giant computer out of a bad 1950’s sci-fi movie, but he’s not the only Cuban. Leonys Martin also hails from our neighbor to the south that took up residence in Miami. Last night, he hit two homers, is hitting .417 in the last week and has a hit in each of his last ten games with 4 steals during that time. It’s the year of the Cubans, y’all! In all of their pressed hammy, mustardy, cheesy, pickley goodness. Side note: Do pickles seem like something Cubans would put in their food? Maybe Hyman Roth, but he’s not really Cuban or real, for that matter. Somewhere, ex-Cuban pitcher, El Duque, has a little extra hop in his exaggerated leg-kick that he still does, only now he does it before he cleans up tables at Chipotle. “You’re not going to finish your guac?” *leg kick* Leonys Martin should be owned in all leagues while he’s going well, and is the type of player that could have value all year if you’re patient since he could hit 12-15 homers and get 25-ish steals. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yu Darvish – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Yankees. Yu looked human yesterday, like when you comb your hair and change your sweatpants.
Mark Teixeira – Will see a doctor about the pain in his wrist. Girardi said, “I’m concerned.” Geez, news travels fast to Girardi, huh? No one better spoil The Sixth Sense for him.
Hiroki Kuroda – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he won the battle of Japanese imports, much like Toyota beat Honda, Nissan, Dodge, Chrysler…Are there any cars not made in Japan?
Travis Hafner – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .223. Headed for his best season since 2007. Hafner’s years 2008-2011 should hang their head in shame.
Zoilo Almonte – 0-for-4 with a steal, hitting .438 in his short time up with the team. The Yankees seem content with giving him some at-bats as they send Vernon Wells to get plastic cups for their slot machine winnings. No one tell Vernon that slots stopped giving coins out about ten years ago. Almonte is very aggressive at the plate, which means he’s the type that can get off to a great start until pitchers start reading the book on him. That book’s titled, “Throw Zoilo Breaking Balls In The Dirt.” Luckily, Jim Bouton was the last pitcher that could read. Almonte is legitimately the first upsidey player on the Yankees since Jesus Montero was traded. He has speed, pop, might hit .220 and could be back in the minors in two weeks, where he’ll lead his team to a Little League championship with a fake ID. I’d give him a whirl in deeper leagues, just don’t expect him to cure the common head cold.
Will Middlebrooks – Demoted to Triple-A. Hopefully, he can figure out a way to get something besides homers. You’d think it wouldn’t be that hard for him to find some middle ground.
David Ross – Due to his concussion, he was moved from the 7-day DL to the 60-day DL. How am I the only one that sees a problem with the amount of time for a concussion DL? I’m smart enough to know I’m not that smart, so someone else has to have thought of this.
Clay Buchholz – Played catch yesterday to strengthen his trapezius. That’s a good way to break an ankle, you jumping-up-and-down fool.
Ryan Dempster – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. See, when JB called him a sleeper in the preseason, he meant for this game. He just said the caveat really fast like he was reading the side effects for Cialis.
Dustin Pedroia – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th steal. Pedroia took advantage of a lowly Rockie pitcher, which put them at eye level.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 3-for-5, 3 runs. Everyone who doesn’t own Ellsbury is holding their breath for 2015 when they can own him again after he crashes and burns in 2014.
Jose Iglesias – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .434. Since I gave Zoilo the not-a-Kansas City Royal treatment, it’s only fair I say Iglesias is not only not this good, but he’s actually pretty awful with the bat. While he’s hitting, you can own him, but he hit .202 in Triple-A this year in 119 ABs. You know, the league that is actually easier than the majors.
Zack Wheeler – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. When you only strike out one White Sox hitter, it’s obvious most of his pitches weren’t even close to the strike zone. It’s like he’s an environmentalist farmer and he refuses to hit the broadside of the barn. I’m giving him one more start — in Metco vs. the Nats — then I’m calling it quits until he can figure out his command.
Eric Young – 1-for-3, 1 run and his first steal as a Met, and ninth on the year. It’s the golden age of SAGNOF right now for steals. Seems like everywhere you look there’s new guys with everyday jobs that could steal 30+ bases.
Andrew Brown – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer in the last five games, though he’s usually used as a pinch-hitter. Or maybe that’s *pinkie to mouth* add punch hitter. Rusty Staub would approve.
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks. Hopefully, Wheeler was watching Sale cause that’s where I want Wheeler in two years. I’m the boss of you, Wheeler!
Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, 1 steal. Alejandro’s hot like Mexico!
Carlos Gomez – Sat out yesterday due to his shoulder sprain, but told reporters that he should play Wednesday. Gomez then started kissing up and down the French reporter’s arm.
Corey Hart – His right knee hasn’t healed yet, and now he’s having problems with his left knee. Luckily he only has two knees! This sounds like it’s headed to Hart not being worth anything this year.
Rickie Weeks – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. Damn, Scotter Gennett is Weeks’s Barbara Hersey.
Rafael Betancourt – Expected to return on Friday. That’ll move Rex back in the 8th inning role, but I’m not your Brothers’ keeper.
Juan Nicasio – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 14 baserunners, 2 Ks. Rockies obviously didn’t break the Nicasio of emergency quick enough.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Pokes his head out of your fantasy baseball team’s vagina, “Still not ready.”
Justin Masterson – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Orioles. Learned the hard way about the portmanteau that’s been circulating among major league pitchers where they combine O’s hit.
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. It’ll be interesting to see if he disappoints in the 2nd half of this year like last year. And by interesting I mean, I hope he does because I don’t own him.
Chris Tillman – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. He was in last Friday’s Buy column as a tentative buy, and that tentativeness doesn’t get untentativer as he goes against the Yankees in his next two starts.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and yet another homer. Roger Maris’s family says the MLB better pick up the tab for their accommodations after that last fiasco.
Rick Porcello – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER. DAH! He Kali Ma’d me! Why do you Kali Ma me?! Why?! I hate you, Porcello. From my pedicured feet to the top of my feathered hair. In most leagues, I’d look elsewhere. Obviously, Porcello only appeared to turn a corner to bit me in the ass.
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and 5 emails he’s ignored from me. I just wanna be friends!
Martin Prado – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. You know why he hit this homer, right? You know why, right? Cause he felt you either thinking about dropping him or actually doing it.
Aaron Hill – 2-for-4, 2 runs in his first game back after a ten week absence. Took a whole lot of tryin’ just to get back for Hill.
Trevor Cahill – 5 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Nats (i.e., a weak offensive team). Cahill looked fine for the first few couple of innings, then it all went Cahill after that. *balloons falling from the ceiling* What did I win?! Back-to-back hill puns gets me 5% off a dragon claw walking cane? Awesome!
Miguel Montero – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .224. Still doing a whole lot of nothing, but he has to get hot at some point. He’s not a .225-ish hitter with only 4 HRs, but more like a .260 guy with 15 HRs.
Justin Smoak – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. 2nd homer this week and hitting near .275. Sadly, that’s really good for Smoak.
Adam LaRoche – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .259. I’m a little surprised by the people asking if they should pick him up, though I guess there’s all different sizes of leagues. As I tell my Cougar, size doesn’t matter; it’s the LaRoche’ing in the ocean.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-2, 2 runs, RBI as he returned from one of his various ailments. Hey, Werth, what are you chewing on? After-dinner ailments.
Steve Cishek – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 13th save with a 3.34 ERA. Wasn’t it like a month ago he pitched himself out of the closer job? Oh, SAGNOF, you wily shapeshifter.
Derek Dietrich – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .200. Coming up from the minors, he seemed like a sure bet to hit .275 with no power. Now you know how Mel Hall felt with the minors lying.
Allen Craig – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. There was so much offense yesterday. Across every game. Writing this roundup must’ve been what was like in the steroids era. *wavy lines* Hello, welcome to my Geocities site. This is my weblog. Today, Mark McGwire hit his 17th homer of the week and we’re only through Tuesday. He has almost as many homers as zits on his back.
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs as the Cards exploded for 13 runs against the Astros. Good thing the Astros are out of the NL Central!
David Freese – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Looked like he was in a deep funk again, so I dropped him. But, whatever, I don’t sweat him, I have Arenado.
Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for-4, hitting near .350 in the last week. Fair to say he’s officially a hot schmotato now. Go ahead and pick Oswaldo up. If you can find him.
Matt Moore – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (6 BBs), 11 Ks. He’s like a cross-eyed Annie Oakley after a long night of carousing with a bunch of her lesbian friends. Moore’s firing bullets, but I’ll be damned if he has any idea where they’re headed. Gotta love the upside of 10+ Ks nights that could happen often, but there’s just as much a chance of blow-ups.
Yunel Escobar – 3-for-5, run and his 1st steal. Maybe because there was an Escobar running drugs for the better part of a decade, but I always think Yunel has speed. He doesn’t. Don’t fall for that boobie trap. Hehe, I said boobie.
Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-4 and his 9th steal and his 4th in the last five games. I grabbed him in one league where I needed steals. I suggest the same while Dyson’s running around like a chicken without its head.
Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .216. I promise not to curse if you go on a two-month hot streak. Not even fargin’ or icehole.
Jordan Schafer – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and 1 steal, hitting near .400 in the last week. After a 4-for-5 on Sunday, I’m obliged to say Schafer is officially hot. Hot Schafer schmotato before his next schlump. This was brought to you by the letter combination Sch-.
Kyle Kendrick – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks in Petco. He’d actually make a really good Hodgepadre. I could totally see that. In like 8 years.
Domonic Brown – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer. Whew, came close to benching him, but then I saw Marquis de Shat and it was too perfect for a Brown smear job.
Pedro Ciriaco – 3-for-4, 1 RBI and his 4th steal. EverCab could return next week, which gives Ciriaco a week to get ten more steals. Run, Pedro, run!
Jason Vargas – Will have a blood clot removed from under his armpit. Sounds like it’s a fairly simple procedure, assuming it is a blood cot and not a miniature Jamaican living in his armpit yelling, “Blood clot.”
C.J. Wilson – 5 IP, 5 ER, but got a free room at the W when the Angels exploded for 14 runs. Maybe Wilson should stop worrying so much about his dandruff.
Josh Hamilton – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI as he returned to the lineup. Making it a race now between him and Vernon Wells for most fantasy value! (Which is like the race between the overpaid tortoise and the overpaid/overhyped tortoise.)
J.B. Shuck – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs as he filled in for Bourjos. Right now, Bourjos is wiping whipped cream out of a pie tin, yelling, “Those stats are my piece of the Angels 14-run pie!”
Erick Aybar – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 3rd steal, now has 2 steals in the last week with a near .350 average. Ay-Aybar!
Tommy Milone – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. You were lucky if you had no pitchers go yesterday. The Stream-o-Nator going to a matinee of This is the End was obviously an omen. We won’t talk about what movie Hitter-Tron went to see.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer. Three more homers and I’ll write a Donaldsonnet.
Brandon Phillips – Out on paternity leave. That’s what happens when Brandon gives his wife the ol’ Phillips screwdriver.
Joey Votto – 1-for-4 with his 14th homer. But only one walk? That’s just not lazy enough!
Derrek Robinson – 4-for-5, 1 run. I almost feel like between Robinson, the newly-returned Heisey and Xavier Paul that Dusty isn’t mixing and matching his lineup as much as thinking about who he wants to talk to on the bench.
Michael Kickham – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER. As Sandoval will tell you, what a waste of a perfectly good pork product.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-3 and a homer, his 8th. He’s now past his 7-homer Spring Training total. Wow, this spring numbers are so illustrative.
Carl Crawford – Even though he still hasn’t begun to run at full speed, he’s expected to return before the All-Star break. This sounds like bunk, not Moreland.
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. You know how you can tell you can sell him for a lot? Take a look at the comments when I don’t mention him. “Grey, your mustache is the ninth wonder of the world, yes. But how could you not mention Hanley? He’s doing the mashed potato out there!” Yeah, Hanley’s looked good. He also has a 30+% HR/FB after having a 13.6% in his career, and this isn’t even considering the average will drop and he could get injured again.
James McDonald – Headed to see Dr. Freeze. Dr. James Andrews told his receptionist, “McDonald’s makes a filet mignon burger for me and a Cabriolet for my wife. I got ducats!”
Jeff Locke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, 2.06 ERA. Open your mouth really wide, now slowly say, “Wow.” You now have Locke-jaw.
Starling Marte – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers (8). The Gerund can’t be stopped, because it’s a verb in motion.
Starlin Castro – Sat out yesterday for the first time in 269 games. In related news, Cal Ripken just farted for the 2,990th straight day. That guy!
Edwin Jackson – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. His xFIP is now nearly 2 runs better than his ERA. What does this mean? He must’ve pissed off the Fangraphs Database.
Nate Schierholtz – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. 3rd homer in his last 10 games and hitting .325-ish in the last week. Speaking of which, he’s hot schmotato-ish, too.
Ian Stewart – Was released by the Cubs after taking to Twitter to complain about his treatment with the club. It was one thing when he questioned why he didn’t get called up, but the Cubs reached their breaking point when Stewart questioned why Jim Belushi gets to throw out 20 first pitches a year and why are “According To Jim” reruns on five times a day on WGN.
Carlos Marmol – Designated for assignment. He took the news pretty poorly, throwing insults around to the first seven guys he saw. Missing the mark on all of them, which led them to say, “You putting me on?”