It’s time for us as a people to start makin’ some changes. Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live and let’s change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn’t working so it’s on us to do what we gotta do, to survive. If that means cutting loose Brett Lawrie with his DL stint, then so be it. This year he has a 59/9/40/.282/13 line. Right now, I’m throwing up a “W” with my hands, which is the 14-year-old girl gang sign for Whatever. Yunel Escobar called, he wants his stats back. Yu Darvish called and said he’s got the wrong number. Kelly Johnson called and said, “What’s up, Yunel?” I then disconnected the phone cause it’s getting too many calls and I need to roll out some text on this bizzlog. Disappointing is saying the least followed by an adjective to emphasis disappointing. You know what I’m sayin’? Give me a thesaurus up in here, up in here! And, with that said, I’ll still like Lawrie again next year. At 22 years old, he’s way too young to look at as a Yunel-wannabe. Just didn’t happen this year. If you have DL room, I’d still hold him, but if you don’t, do what you gotta do. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Henderson Alvarez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 14 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA is now up to 4.58, 1.44 WHIP and 51 Ks in 135 2/3 IP. I just put “Henderson Alvarez sleeper” into the Google machine and I went through a few posts from the preseason. And you thought I was crackers for saying Jason Kipnis was a sleeper…Oh, wait, that one worked out. And you thought I was cracked-out on goofballs for saying Alex Rios was a sleeper…Shoot, that one worked out too. And you thought I was crummy with crackers for saying you should draft Mike Trout. Darn… Well, I’m sure I’m forgetting some. Please don’t mention Vernon Wells, thanks!
Moises Sierra – 1-for-4 with a steal. You might pee yourself like your name was Moises…The Razzball podcast! Damn, that shizz is dope! Wait until you hear our fantasy football podcast theme song. Let’s just say we’ve added a rap interlude like we’re MC Skat Kat, but the rapper’s name is Juice. Your mind = Blown. Any the hoo! Moises Sierra was called up to face mostly lefties, because, well, that’s how the Jays are playing it and Sierra’s got a plus arm in the outfield, so they should play him. He looks like he could provide some power (17 HRs in Triple-A) and speed (7 SBs), and comes from a solid pedigree with two major leaguers as his parents. He’s not worth looking at yet outside of AL-Only leagues
Tyler Greene – Astros acquired him for cash considerations. To pithy that up, Astros get Green, Cards get green backs.
R.A. Dickey – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks as Dickey matched up against Johnson for a pissing contest. The first 500 fans in attendance got an STD. I don’t mean as a giveaway. I mean, they’re Mets fans.
Andres Torres – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. That’s threes full of deuces.
Ruben Tejada – 2-for-5, hitting .323 on the year. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. If that doesn’t have your breath all bated and shizz, I don’t know what will.
Jon Jay – 2-for-3, 1 run and 2 steals. Now has 13 steals, and only two times caught. After the game, Jon Jay said stealing without being caught is the foundation of what our great nation was built on.
Carlos Beltran – 1-for-3 with his 27th homer. I wonder how many people who were burned on Berkman this year are going to draft Carlos “The Great Zombino” Beltran next year.
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Now has around a 2.30 ERA since the All-Star Break and a batting average against around .210. A K:BB ratio of 39:7. Drool:Lip Overhang ratio for me drafting him next year is 4:1.
Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, raising his average t0 .353. Ruggiano’s nearing Stage 4 on the Fantasy Lust Scale. I’m about to write his name on my gotchies with “Property of.”
Heath Bell – In a game the Marlins were losing, Bell came in for the 7th inning and gave up a run. Bell says he needs high pressure situations to succeed. A guaranteed $27 million eliminates a lot of pressure, obviously. Maybe the Marlins should tell Bell they’ve hired a sniper and put him somewhere in the stands, then whenever he’s sucking they can put one of those red lasers on him.
Matt Moore – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Don’t look now but he has a 3.73 ERA. I told you not to look!
Evan Longoria – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs. Still time to win the AL MVP! (Sideways emoticon with X’s over the eyes, and birdies flying in a circle over the head.)
Jason Kubel – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 24th and 25th homers. He went through a tough stretch up until yesterday where he had 1 homer and a .120 average in August, but hopefully he’s coming out of it now. Thanks goes out to all his H2H owners for joining together to form a six-mile-wide prayer rhombus.
Aaron Hill – 3-for-5, 2 runs. I’ve pretty much hated Aaron Hill’s guts for the last month or so. To the point where I’ve benched him for Ruben Tejada and now Machado. So you can imagine how welcome it was he actually got hits on a day I had so many guys not playing. Thank you, Aaron Hill! I know I’m not the only one that plays hitters on short schedule days. There should be a glossary term for this –> the short-schedule hitter pick up. Please suggest in the comments.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4 with his 14th homer. That would’ve been a good (insert term for short schedule hitter here).
Starling Marte – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, now hitting .281 with 4 homers and 2 steals in 14 games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he’s the one rookie call-up I’ve actually held onto so far from that Breanny Segolt-Jacksitterado flurry.
Gaby Sanchez – 3-for-4, 1 run. Ah, must’ve been Ladies Night.
Eric Hosmer – 1-for-4, 0 runs, 0 RBIs. As the kids would say, Hosmer is so boss. So the boss of the Jerk Store.
Alex Gordon – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a homer. Took about a half of a season, but Gordon has finally come alive. Since the All-Star Break, he’s hitting around .340 with 2 homers and 4 steals. Too bad he’s probably on the one abandoned team in your league. Who told you to draft him so early?! That’s to the abandoned team owner who isn’t reading this anyway. Hey, Abandoned Team Owner, I was the one who stole your Netflix. My bad!
Michael Morse – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. In a weird coincidence, Tom Cupconnectedbytwopiecesofstring passed his driver’s test. Go, TC!
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks. Wow, it’s about time he started striking out– Oh, it was vs. the Astros. That’s like picking on the fat kid in dodge ball.
Roger Bernadina – 3-for-4 with 2 steals. He always has me intrigued. Intrigued, I tell ya! But he’s a 4th outfielder right now.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks. That gets the ol’ ERA down to 5.25. This game was about the highlight of his season. His walks are out of control, his Ks are way down and his ERA isn’t even showing that he’s been particularly unlucky. Maybe he should try to decompress before games inside a humidor, or get into a screaming match with Tulowitzki.
Wei-Yin Chen – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Damn he caught the Moves Like Arrieta bug. Shizz is catchy! Needs to go into the Starbucks-sponsored lounge, have a 20% off latte and discuss with Carson Daly how much working with Cee Lo means to him.
Manny Machado – 2-for-4 with a run as the O’s played him at 3rd and hit him in the nine hole. Guess they wanted to spread out Hardy’s .225 average, Lew Ford’s .160 (raise your hand if you knew Lew Ford was still playing; okay, everyone related to Lew Ford, lower your hand), Reynolds’s .210, Andino’s– You get the picture. Ridiculous to hit Machado last in that lineup. They only have three hitters and one of them is hitting .249 (Wieters).
Alex Avila – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer. Has a hit in every game since July 30th and is hitting near .500 in the last week. I just cursed myself to a dozen questions of “This Catcher” or “That Catcher.” That reminds me, I had a nightmare where I was captured by al-Qaeda, but instead of them interrogating me for state secrets, I was answering catcher questions. “No, I won’t put anyone before Jesus Montero!”
Scott Podsednik – The Red Sox resigned Podsednik. Oops, I mean, re-signed. They’re totally still in the race. And now they got their legs! (When his wife comes to games.)
Eric Chavez – 2-for-4 with his 12th homer. Looks like with A-Rod injured, there’s more than enough steroids to go around. Chavez now has 4 homers in the last ten games and is hitting an insane .500 in August. I’m not going to openly tell you to pick up Chavez because it’ll pain me too much. Instead, hold this up to a mirror: .zevahC pu kcip
Michael Fiers – Brewers announced they would cut his season short because of an innings concern. He’ll only have another 30+ innings to get a Nicki Minaj verse stuck in your head.
Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 20th homer, a game winner. See, Cubs fans, when you lose 98 games instead of 99, you’ll have one man to thank. A bad contract — pfft!
Jason Kipnis – Missed yesterday’s game with a stiff neck. Must’ve got a Viagra lodged in his throat.
Travis Hafner – What’s that beeping sound? Sounds like a large truck backing up… Oh, it’s Hafner going back to the DL.
Johnny Damon – Was released by the Indians. Damon and Vizquel are petitioning for an expansion team to help them limp to 3,000 hits. Ivan Rodriguez and Ichiro Suzuki are also interested in becoming partial owners. They can call the team, the Boca Raton Biggios.