There’s just over a week left on the season. Really, at this point, anything goes in non-keeper leagues. If you don’t need home runs because the schmohawk right behind you is 12 home runs away, but you desperately need steals, why are you still carrying Adam Dunn? You waiting for his speed to come around? Pickup some steals. All you need is two saves to gain a point and you’re sitting on excess starters? Punt! Pickup some possible closers. Of course, you need to think about what the other fluffernutters in your league are doing? Are they going to snatch up your John Lackey as soon as you drop him? Then maybe you shouldn’t drop him. You need to suck every point out of your standings. Anyway, here’s some more fantasy baseball players to buy and sell:
Ryan Shealy – He was a prospect in the Rockies organization. Stuck behind Helton (<–’Member him? Nah, me neither.) then he finally saw the Light of Day (<–top five Michael J. Fox drama. Easily. Check out the mullet.) in Kansas City… Wait, with all of these parentheticals I don’t even know what I’m saying. Oh, yeah, Shealy! Might stay hot for the last week of the season. You care if you win with Conor Jackson or Ryan Shealy? Didn’t think so.
Pablo Sandoval – I can’t tout Chubb Rock any more than I have. He’s not heavy, he’s my catcher.
Chris Iannetta – Hopefully, the Rox will move Torrealba in the offseason and give the the kid the full-time gizz-ig.
Mark Teahen – Good month for guy’s whose last names start with Tea-.
Scott Lewis – You know those lookout machines at tourist attractions that you have to put money in to see through? A company that manufactures them should have the same motto as Scott Lewis, “Worth a look.” (BTW, that was the longest setup ever.)
Sean Gallagher – Gets the Mariners next, which brings me to this…
Any Pitcher Facing the Mariners, Nots, Padres, Pirates – This list of pitchers will get longer next week because as teams are eliminated or clinch they might sit their vets. For instance, the Sawx don’t seem that threatening when everyone’s out the lineup.
Aaron Cunningham – Nice combination of power and speed. So far in his audition with the big league club, he’s received rave reviews for his spot-on portrayal of a big leaguer. Only thing that worries me is his friend, Potsie.
Asdrubal Cabrera – If I push The Dribble any more, people will call me for a travel.
Eugenio Velez – Razzball and its constituents told you to pick up this guy in March! Sure, it took him six months to get hot, but we were writing that post for our dyslexic readers that are just now reading March’s posts. Dur.
John Lackey/Josh Beckett/Scott Kazmir/Ervin Santana/Carlos Zambrano/Ted Lilly/Ryan Dempster – Are you seeing a pattern? You can add Johan, Hamels, Sabathia, Sheets, etc to this list if their team clinches.
Jeff Francis – Shut. Down.
B.J. Upton – Turning down a BJ? I know! Eh, the Rays are in the playoffs and they need Upton for that. He’s probably going to be babied this last week.
Yunel Escobar – I can’t imagine he’s on any non-keeper teams, but if he is. Well, you’re not paying attention anyway.
Manny Parra – Get out of my streamers and get into my bullpen car!