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USA Today might no longer appreciate the insights shared by Larry King in his long-running column but we at Razzball were thrilled when he accepted our invitation to share his thoughts on Fantasy Baseball….

Greetings fantasy baseballers!  I’m tingling all over and I hope it’s because of fantasy baseball…Am I the only one that wants to call that Ranger kid Nelson Cruz Jr?  I sure hope he names his son Nelson.  Or Caribbean….. If hustling on the baseball field cost 5 cents, Marco Scutaro would have to stock up on nickels…… Don’t worry about Brian McCann – I sent him to my opthamologist Dr. Schneweiss…… I’m glad I don’t own any bases because I’d be afraid Carl Crawford would steal them……. Mr. Rollins may be slumping but he still puts the Jimmies on my baseball sundae….. Am I the only one that wants to call that pitcher on the Cardinals Adam Wainwright III?…. Is goosenfeffer a word?….. The Nats bullpen is equal opportunity these days – it must make President Obama happy….Fare thee well, Jim Bowden.  You are a 5-tool human being in my book……Speaking of GMs, wouldn’t it be funny if there was one named Ford?  Or Chrysler?  Or Lenny?……Am I the only one that wants to call the Florida middle reliever Pope Leo X Nunez?…..Pronounce it tomato or tomahto – it still makes for a delicious juice….. If I was Edinson Volquez’s teammate, I’d nickname him Crazy Eddie because his lack of control is insane. I’d nickname Aaron Harang “Wolfgang” because Mozart loved a good rhyme….. I breathed a big sigh of relief when Casey Kotchman tested negative for swine flu….. I finally found the MLB Network on my cable box and I love it.  Harold Reynolds must be drinking from the Fountain of Couth…… Am I the only one that wants to call Cardinals pitcher/lawyer Mitchell Boggs and ask him to take my 5th wife out of the will?….. That new Yankee Stadium is something.  I got box seats behind the plate and, before I knew it, I was sitting in the right-field bleachers……. You know why people shortened doughnut to donut?  Because there’s nothing ‘ugh’ about them…..

  1. brad says:
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    gold

  2. Thunder Dan says:
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    The Loudon Wainwright III joke was funny on several levels. He and Larry could be best buds!

    Is this really Volume 5 in a series? If there are four more of these posts out there, I will hunt them down like Chipper Jones on the first day of deer season.

  3. Thunder Dan says:
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    @Grey: Beautiful.

  4. vinko says:
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    classic mug shot. Remove the specs and add a stache – he could be a your brother from another mother. Weird and wacky stuffff!

  5. vinko says:
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    typo: could be, Btw- funny shiz.

  6. Someone had too many Daiquiris :P

  7. @Thunder Dan: Ah…Loudon Wainwright III…that’s who I had Adam Wainwright mixed up with. I knew there must’ve been a reason. Thank you Mr. Majerle!

  8. Quentin out tonite, reason unknown.

  9. mgeoffriau

    Mark says:
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    @Elijah: Sore left heel, Quentin will be out until Friday at least.

  10. BigFatHippo says:
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    @Larry King: I had goosenfeffer for supper last night, delish!

    You take a goose, preferably Canadian, stuff it with an old tennis shoe, pat it with olive oil and slow cook it at 300 for 4 hours.

    When the timer goes off, take it out of the oven, throw the goose away and eat the tennis shoe.

    Bon Appetit!

  11. BigFatHippo says:
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    @Grey: We’re starting Parra tonight, right Thelma?

  12. NoonTime says:
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    I have some offense to spare (HR and RBI mostly)…looking to pick up another top line SP.

    I give Kemp, Cano, Sherrill and Percival
    for
    Crawford, F.Lopez, CC Sabathia

    I think I pick up runs, SB, AVG… lose some HR and RBI….and obviously 2 closers for CC is a do.

  13. BigFatHippo says:
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    @NoonTime: That might not be good enough closers for Carsten but it’s fair.

    Ultimately though, he may be giving those guys for Kemp and Cano.

  14. I'm Keith Hernandez says:
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    start Slowey tonight?

  15. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @BigFatHippo: Mmm… Betcha that makes it so tender! I’m starting him. Prepare to white knuckle your desktop as he racks up the walks.

    @NoonTime: It’s fair if steals, Runs and a pitcher is what you need.

  16. BigFatHippo says:
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    @Grey: The old Chuck Taylors went best with goose, these new Sketchers are kinda tough……….

    As for Parra, I have Halladay to offset his WHIP in one league and hopefully Weaver and Hochevar do the same in the other. I’m livin on the edge babeeee!

  17. G says:
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    I offered Ibanez and Jurrjends for Tex and he declined it. Would Ibanez, Garza and Morales be more fair or am I overpaying for Tex? thanks in advance

  18. Doc says:
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    @G: In 3-1 trades you always have to think of who he/she will have to drop. Depending on how deep your league is Morales might not be worth much. I don’t think I would really contemplate that trade unless all three were huge upgrades at each position.

  19. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @G: I’d still want Tex there.

  20. G says:
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    Would Lee, Ibanez and Garza be good enough to acquire Tex or am I overpaying. If its fair I will try it out

  21. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @G: What Lee?

  22. The Dude says:
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    Repost from previous thread – didn’t get my Grey love, though The Baron chimed in and said he’d “be tempted” – which is exactly what I am!

    5 man keeper league in a 6×6 league (Standard 5 + OPS). My current keepers are: Longoria, Kemp, Lincecum, A. Gonzalez, Holliday.

    Just got offered: Longoria for Jose Reyes and BJ Upton.

    This would likely put my keepers at: Reyes, Upton, Linc, Kemp, Gonzo

    My debate is really about Power/Speed ratio. Although I see the value of pulling the trigger on this deal, I’m concerned that my Power numbers will suffer as a result. Speed can only take you so far and I need some reassurance in one direction or the other!

  23. Doc says:
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    I give

    Gregg, Kevin (P)
    Kazmir, Scott (P)
    Cabrera, Miguel (3B)
    Upton, Justin (OF)

    for

    Jackson, Edwin (P)
    Hernandez, Felix (P)
    Pujols, Albert (1B)
    Ramirez, Alexei (2B)

    Win or Loss?

  24. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @The Dude: I’d go for Reyes and Upton. Then you can always flip Reyes for another big bat if you need to.

  25. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Doc: Not crazy about it for you.

  26. mgeoffriau

    Mark says:
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    @Grey: Really?

    Pujols > Cabrera
    Felix > Kazmir
    Alexie ?? Upton
    E Jackson ?? Gregg

    I don’t know how to compare the last 2, since it’s a matter of position and categories (infielder, outfielder, starter, closer). But I’d much rather Pujols/Felix than Cabrera/Kazmir.

  27. G says:
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    oh shit my bad derek lee..tried to get rid of him earlier but im thinking its a little too late. But would D-Lee, Garza and Ibanez be enough for Tex?

  28. BigFatHippo says:
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    Was Adam Jones made this happen!

    Lovin me some AJ right now, 2-2, 2 donks, 4 rbi, he’s my MVP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  29. Steve says:
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    @Grey: Don’t look now, but Peavy has run support.

  30. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Mark: Pujols and Miggy is a wash if Miggy is at 3rd which Doc said he is. Alexei is preferable at SS, Doc has him at 2nd. Felix is better than Kazmir. Upton over Alexei, Gregg=Jackson. It’s close. Comes down to the big names and I’d want Miggy. I’d do Felix for just Kazmir/Gregg.

    @G: Sure

    @Steve: Haven’t turned on the TV yet, Headley bomb? Please say yes.

  31. Steve says:
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    @Grey: Regrettably, it wasn’t. 2-run shot from A-Gonz.

  32. mgeoffriau

    Mark says:
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    @Grey: Fair enough…I was assuming no big positional crunch and on those terms, I want Pujols by a little. I think Kazmir’s toast, so I want Felix. I’m probably undervaluing Upton, I’m just not sure he’s not going to have another long slump this year.

    A-Gon dinger, not Headley, sorry.

  33. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Mark: BTW, nice ‘stache.

  34. Steve says:
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    Y’all have probably seen this and one must take Ricciardi’s pronouncements with a grain – nay, a small mound – of salt, but he’s saying that even when Ryan comes back, Downs will still be the closer.

  35. mgeoffriau

    Mark says:
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    @Grey: Wait a sec….are you seeing my gravatar? The only avatars I see are razzball guys (you, Larry King, etc).

  36. BigFatHippo says:
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    @Grey: Pulled a hammy trying to make a diving catch? DTD

    Didn’t see it unfortunately, cable shut off, long story short…….roomie’s been stealing cable.

    Is it bad?

  37. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: Hmm… Weird announcement.

    @Mark: I have bionic eyes.

    @BigFatHippo: I hope it’s bad, but not sure it is.

  38. Steve says:
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    It’s been a while since I have owned Tex right from draft day. What a spirit-crushing experience it can be at this time of the year.

  39. Grey

    Grey says:
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    *****Frank Francisco has biceps tendinitis.**** I’d grab Wilson. Neither him nor Guardado are pretty, obviously.

  40. mgeoffriau

    Mark says:
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    Frank Francisco is out with right biceps tendenitis!! Is CJ Wilson really next in line? I’m thinking I’ll drop Kip Wells for CJ.

  41. mgeoffriau

    Mark says:
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    2 HR’s for Thome tonight….is he playable in a 12 team league? If only he had 1B eligibility….

  42. BigFatHippo says:
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    @Grey: Blasphemy!

    Schadenfreude, jealouschnoid, whatthefuckism, and lots of other words I can’t make up right now.

  43. Doc says:
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    @Grey: Thanks Grey.

  44. Tony B. says:
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    Add Rasmus b/c of Ludwick injury?

  45. vinko says:
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    Safe to drop Aardsma for C J Wilson, then?

  46. I'm Keith Hernandez says:
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    Drop Ray or Tommy Hanson for CJ Wilson?

  47. I'm Keith Hernandez says:
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    @Grey: Doesnt look that serious, gonna try and trade for Francisco. Yahoo is so slow to post injury news……..

  48. Doc says:
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    How does Mauer keep hitting HR’s?

  49. I'm Keith Hernandez says:
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    Chris Davis 1/2 1 HR 1K, guy really only swings for the fences. Thank god I traded Uggla away in this league or my BA would be in the toilet.

  50. Doc says:
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    Chien-Ming Wang tossed six shutout innings in his first rehab start Tuesday at Triple-A Scranton/Wilkes-Barre.

  51. Tony B. says:
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    @Doc: Yep, 6 K’s and 3 walks.

  52. Johnny Walker says:
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    When a LM vetoes a deal is the league owners alerted that the deal was vetoed or stopped by the LM or does it just tell them that the trade was vetoed by owners?

    I”m a LM in a group where A-Rod was just dealt (pending approval from league) for Bonifacio, R. Soriano and Feliz.

  53. PJTres says:
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    grey…do you think brandon webb is going to be okay???

    in a keeper system would you trade webb for jason bay? or naa…

  54. mgeoffriau

    Mark says:
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    Youk to the DL.

  55. BigFatHippo says:
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    @Johnny Walker: You can’t veto that trade on your own. Wait for the league vote.

  56. Jobu says:
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    General strategy question: in a yahoo league, I’m already significantly behind the Max IP projection, mostly because I’ve been holding on to D. Price, and Kershaw refuses to go more than 5 IP.

    At what point would you look into trading for an extra SP or spot starting?

  57. I'm Keith Hernandez says:
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    @PJTres: Yes, I would do that trade in a heartbeat, esp if you have a chance at winning this year.

  58. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Jobu: If a trade’s there, you do it now. I wouldn’t worry about the Max IP. I’d be more worried about falling behind in Wins and Ks. If you’re doing that, then you need to look at potential trades or picking up pitchers.

    @Mark: Thanks for the heads up!

  59. AL KOHOLIC says:
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    votto hurt now,leg i think,,just waved for help off the field

  60. Steve says:
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    Hochevarrrrggghhhh!!!!!

  61. Jobu says:
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    @Grey: 230 Ks in 211 IP so that ratio is fine and dandy, but yea Ws are a bit behind.
    Have Price and will probably grab and stash T. Hanson too, so my second 2/3rds or 3/5ths of the year should catch up with IP… but still:

    offenses you’d spot start against? SF and OAK spring to mind. Maybe AZ too? (Obviously I’d be rational about the pitcher – No Ponsons!)

  62. Grey

    Grey says:
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    I was just roofied!

  63. Zebo says:
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    Hocheva screwed my team in a big way!!!

  64. Mr Baseball says:
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    L. Hochevar – I think I am going to sell low here

  65. Steve says:
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    @Grey: And me. Who does he get next? Gotta hold him for another start, right?

  66. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: You’re a braver man than me. I’m so done with this guy. I won’t be able to walk for a week.

  67. Grey

    Grey says:
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    IT WAS THE A’S!!!!

  68. Mr Baseball says:
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    Kevin Youkilis – he should be back on tuesday – yea back on the DL

  69. Jobu says:
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    Forgot SD in my little message. Sorry Hochevar-dudes.

  70. Steve says:
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    @Grey: Ha! Not saying I would hold him, just whether I should.

    I have my answer!

    What’s worse, my H2H opponent has Cahill…

  71. john says:
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    @Grey: me too, i’m dropping his sorry a** to pick up a Ludwick replacement (who i just aquired in a trade that went through today!!)…Nyjer, Choo, Morales, Cameron, Drew are all on waivers, any suggestions on who to pick up?

  72. john says:
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    bradley is also out there but he’s been sucking pretty hard

  73. Paulie Allnuts

    Paulie Allnuts says:
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    Zimmerman now has a 30 game hitting streak, is 2-2 so far today. Longest hitting streak for third basemen in the last 25 years.

  74. Dexter says:
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    Watching MLB Network and every cut to Hochevar is cringe inspiring. Drop Branyan for Ian Stewart?

  75. Baron Von Vulturewins

    Baron Von Vulturewins says:
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    @Paulie Allnuts: I’m rooting for Zimmy, and the Elias trivia is interesting, but I find hitting-streak-hype so incredibly boring. He’s 24 games from the record! That’s, like, the whole streak, doubled. Wake me when he gets to 45.

    Like an aluminum pan of Jiffy Pop, Brandon Phillips is warming up nicely. Take that, swine flu!

    Sad note: I saw Colorado up 12-1, and instantly jumped to the box score to see how my boy Matt Holliday had contributed. Ah, muscle memory. Those were the days.

  76. Griff says:
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    Hoffman is yet to allow a run. Boy, that 84 mph change that he throws is devastating…especially when he mixes in the 71 mph SUPER changeup.

  77. Baron Von Vulturewins

    Baron Von Vulturewins says:
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    @Baron Von Vulturewins: Pwnson’d! Holliday singles in a run off my old Razz Mascot!

    @Dexter: p.s. yes, pick up Stewart.

  78. royce! says:
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    Apparently Votto had some problems with “dizziness.” Weird.

  79. San Jose says:
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    Joe Pauer?

  80. Steve says:
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    Grey – are you starting the Wolfman at Philly tomorrow? I mean, I’m not expecting a win or anything – heaven forbid!

  81. AL KOHOLIC says:
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    @Steve: did you get caught hoch,wang and dinker tonight

  82. Steve says:
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    @AL KOHOLIC: Yup – got Hoch’d in two leagues and Peavy’d on in two as well.

    I do have Cain dealing for me, though.

  83. Doc says:
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    Fowler or Stewart?

  84. AL KOHOLIC says:
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    see what trade the comish did with his second team in keeper?right after i posted that about berkman

  85. Steve says:
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    @Steve: Or at least I did. Jesus.

  86. john says:
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    @Steve: yea, thats rough..I got Hoch’d but had Ubaldo to level out my stats to a nice 9.00 era and 1.76 whip so far for the week, woo

  87. AL KOHOLIC says:
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    @Steve: zimm has a good game going,errors cost him but 8 k`s

  88. Wow, and to think, I was really kicking myself for not being johnny on the spot with the Hochevar pick up. Not feeling too badly now, since my H2H matchup had him and started him. Doh!

    Plenty of wiggle room to spot start Zito now! ;)

  89. Doc says:
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    @Steve: Same here, in 4 leagues!

  90. JJK says:
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    Trade Greinke for ARod straight up? Still have Haren, Cain, Lowe, Slowey, EJax & Parra for SP.

  91. Ham says:
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    “Ham, show me on the doll where Hochevar touched you.”

  92. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @JJK: Sure, if you need a 3rd baseman.

    @Ham: Ha!

  93. Steve says:
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    I. Hate. Wins.

    @Grey: Starting the Wolfman tomorrow?

  94. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: Yeah, unfortunately. Hochevar made we rethink a lot of things. He’s broken me down, Steve!

  95. Steve says:
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    @Grey: I’m feeling you, man.

    No – not like that.

    Dude cost me two points in both ERA and WHIP although F-Cord got some of that back.

    At one stage today, I had 11 points in all pitching categories, except Wins.

    Where I had 2.

  96. ep says:
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    More classic Razzball greatness.
    Good laughs after a brutal day of work.
    Gracias.

  97. cubbies299 says:
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    I used the, “If you’re not starting him against the A’s, why is he on your team,” line to the guy who was leading ERA/WHIP in our league. Grey, thank you sooooo much for giving me this gem of a line, as he just dropped 5 points in the standings.

  98. DrEasy says:
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    Gotta love that Loudon Wainwright III joke.

    A big SONAVABENCH! to Jim Thome, who, on the first day I bench him all season, goes yard TWICE on me. Even worse, the guy I start instead (Balentien of all people) doesn’t even get to play. SONAVABENCH!

    Just not a good day overall, what with Hochevar, Burnett, Masterson and Zimmermannnn starting for me. Sorry but I had to share.

  99. AL KOHOLIC says:
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    beimelwanged

  100. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @cubbies299: It was a black day here at Razzball. Glad it helped someone.

    @DrEasy: A very, very dark day. Loudon Wainwright III knows our pain.

    @AL KOHOLIC: Nice.

  101. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @ep: De nada.

  102. Elbert says:
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    Zobrist has been playing some regular ABs recently, is Maddon seemingly willing to give Zobrist some chance now? what’s your take on Zobrist situation?

    Also in quartet of Getz, Coghlan, Kelly Johnson & Zobrist, what would you feel is the best combination from here on out?

    My money is definitely NOT on Getz, that’s for sure…..

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