Sorry, but I have to now… Some of them try to pitch but they can’t pitch like this… Some of them try to pitch but they can’t pitch like this… Some of them try to pitch but they can’t pitch like this… Some of them try to pitch but they can’t! Slap yourself in the mouth if that just reminded you of the time you wore your clothes backwards. Not because of the memory, but because YOU WORE YOUR CLOTHES BACKWARDS. You a damn fool! I love you though. C’mere, we’ll do a prayer trapezoid for the part of your psyche that can’t forget your teen years. Imma let you finish, but Kris Medlen is my favorite pitcher of ALL-TIME. Or at least of this week. In 237 career innings (about one season if the Braves stop yanking his chain), his numbers are 11-8/3.49/1.22/196. He’s basically a fantasy number two — better than, say, Yu Darvish — if he were starting. Sure, there’s some issues with taking 237 innings that were partially in relief, but in his even shorter career as a starter, he’s shown that he can give around a 7 K-rate, 2 walk rate and around a 3.50 ERA. Now that Hanson and Jar-Jar are laid up with the DL blues (which is the 2nd worst song off Arroyo’s last album; first being, “I Wanna See You, Don’t Say You’ll Mullet Over.”), I’d grab Medlen in every league and hope he sticks even when Hanson returns. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the Buy/Sell, just wanted to remind people that if they want to get in fantasy football leagues, they should click that link and join the football RCLs. Anyway II, here’s the Buy/Sell:
Paul Maholm – Could be a mid-3 ERA guy the rest of the way on a pennant-contending team that should give him a chance for Wins. Do I trust Maholm? Not as far as I can throw him, but since I’m a 170 lbs of pure muscle with only 2% body fat, I could probably shot-put him about 7 feet. Cust kayin’, four lady readers.
Patrick Corbin – He looks like he could be a fantasy number three, which means he could be a number one or five on any given day, usually it means a line of 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners and 5 Ks. In fact, that’s gonna be his next start. Anyone want some action on that?
Andrew Bailey – I’d absolutely stash him if I had an open DL spot. I absolutely don’t think he sees more than 5 saves this year.
Steve Cishek – Probably if managers had no egos they’d be terrific managers, but they get caught up with the whole, “Well, I said this guy was my closer, so I have to stick with that otherwise it’ll appear like I’m indecisive or worse stupid.” Ironically (if I’m using irony correctly here, only the British know for sure), their constant avoidance of trying to look stupid makes them look stupid. Of course, Cishek is better than Heath Bell and should’ve been the closer all year. If you stick string beans into a burrito and put a little Marlins jersey on it, it would be better than Bell.
Wilton Lopez – He should get saves if there are any, but here’s a prediction tangentially related to the Astros. I bet their biggest offseason signing is bringing Biggio back as a hitting coach. It’s the ol’ nice radio in the piece crap car trick.
Chris Johnson – I spent $4 FAAB bucks on this, just to be like, ‘You ain’t up on this,’ Kanye. Eventually, it will all fall down for Johnson, but I’d own him while he’s hitting.
Garrett Jones – I could probably tell you to pick up Jones for weeks straight and you never would. I get it. He’s boring as dog balls. According to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, Jones has been better than Ichiro, B.J. Upton, Matt Joyce, Nick Swisher, Markakis, Maybin and Bryce Harper. In the last 20 day Player Rater, he’s been better than Matt Kemp, Justin Upton, Tupac Hologram, Flavored Popcorn Salts and Now I’m Just Seeing If You’re Still Reading.
Todd Frazier – Obviously, he didn’t want to hit while on my team, but since I’ve dropped him he’s started going off again. I’ll make you another Lind-type deal and not pick him up so he continues to drop bombs with no qualms.
Josh Vitters – Scott just also touched on Vitters in the non-sexual way in his top ten fantasy baseball prospects for the rest of this year. Vitters has been reviled for his lack of a walks (just 71 times over 1,666 plate appearances — ha!). The whole city of LA doesn’t walk and…Well, it’s reviled everywhere but LA, too, so there’s that. Vitters comes with high expectations simply because Cubs fans are like a 104-year-old virgin who would just love to touch the playoffs’ boobies. He has solid power and this year he’s finally taking a free pass (not dramatically, but he’s been better — 30 BBs in 439 PAs). The Cubs have no reason not to let him play 3rd for the final two months and have said that. If you want to take a flyer in NL-Only leagues now, I would. In most mixed leagues, I’d wait until we see something.
Casey McGehee – It is obviously the week of 3rd basemen. The Yankees have assembled one of the best pennant-contending teams — Andruw Jones, Eric Chavez, Freddy Garcia, Raul Ibanez, Ichiro — if this were 2002. I can only imagine some of the dated conversations in that clubhouse. Yo, you guys finish the Austin Powers trilogy yet? It’s so phat! McGehee isn’t quite as dated as some of these schmohawks, but he sure seems like he fits in perfectly. He’s one of those players who feels like he was good ten years ago.
Stephen Lombardozzi – It’s the guy with the jobber’s name. He’s also hitting over .300 in the last week with no power or speed. My MI slot would probably need to be held down for a count of five before I went with Lombardozzi but in some deeper leagues you just need counting stats.
Domonic Brown – I know you’ve been burned by him before. I’ve burned by him too. C’mon, let’s cuddle. I didn’t say touch my mustache. I don’t think Brown’s going to steal many (if any) bases because of his recent knee injury, but he has everyday playing time and upside. For serious, if you ever saw him swing the bat and run, you’d own him. There’s a reason why scouts used to drool over him.
Jonathan Lucroy – Said like Paul Prudhomme, “Lucroy good if yo’ catcher slot is a po’ boy.”
Ryan Ludwick – Dusty benched Ludwick yesterday because he had four homers in four days and Dusty wanted to make sure he stayed fresh. It would be a good experiment to see if the Reds managed by a War Games supercomputer with Ronald Reagan Jr. operating the controls can outperform Dusty’s Reds. I’m guessing the Reds are a 162-0 team if they’re managed by, say, Rosie the Robot, but what do I know?
Starling Marte – I love the Pirates handling of Marte thus far — bring him up and let him play every day. I also love that he’s filling important fantasy categories. Gotta enjoy when a guy is barely hitting for average and still has steals and homers. Would enjoy it more if he started hitting .280-plus. I’m giving him another week, but time’s getting precious and he needs to do everything, otherwise he’s getting jettisoned (SAT Word of the Day!).
Travis Snider – You held your $100 in FAAB all year in your NL-Only league, just biding your time until the deadline deals… For the ‘Trading Deadline’ week, you told your Mom to make you some lasagna to celebrate the big names moving to the NL, and you would be wearing only gotchies all week because you didn’t have time for “no dizzam shower!” Well, here’s your big prize — Travis Snider.
Carlos Gomez – His baseball ability is hot garbage that you find in an oven on Venus, but he’s got some hot schmotatoness that you can’t find unless you look at about a dozen or so other players. For now, I’d own him. That ‘for now’ might be over by the time I finish this senten–
Stephen Strasburg – Recently, Strasburg, Virginia’s sometimes-mayor and local skopkeeper, Vern Degoof, said his town wasn’t putting any pressure on the Nationals to keep pitching Strasburg through his 160 inning threshold. The petition to change the town name to Dickeywood is total bunk created by an overzealous media. Rizzo, Nats GM (not 90’s prank caller), has said there’s no intention to shut Strasburg down early. Though TMZ did get pictures of his fingers crossed. Strasburg just had one lousy game vs. the Phils. If he has one more, the Nats can easily say, “Oh, well, we wanted to keep pitching him, but he’s tiring. Shucks, we’re gonna skip him…for five turns.” Even if they don’t shut him down (which I think they’d be fools not to), he could legitimately tire and not be as effective. At this point, I’d say he’s already beyond the point of what you should’ve expected of him. I.e., the rest is gravy, and gravy is good, but it would be nice if you had some turkey to put it on. I don’t think you should sell him for a once-worn Jake “The Snake” Roberts boot, but I’d definitely listen to offers.