Soda Glover, Yoda Glover, Coda Glover, but no Koda Glover. That’s my constant struggle with my autocorrect. Let’s break down those typos, shall we? Soda Glover has been better than 7-Up and seven down. Me strike out batters you like, man with toothpick, says Yoda Glover. The concluding event at the section of the baseball game called the ninth inning will be the Coda Glover. Dusty Baker hasn’t yet named a closer, but, unless they trade for someone (and this isn’t out of the question), all indications are that Koda Glover will be the Nats’ closer. Jon Heyman wrote, “….but with Shawn Kelley not considered a closer candidate due to two past Tommy John surgeries…” Such a throwaway line. Like it’s common knowledge. Either Heyman heard something from the Nats, which led him to believe everyone knew this, or Heyman’s totally in the dark. Could be either, but I’m thinking Nat-Nat-Nat-Nats’ all folks for Shawn Kelley, who has barely thrown this spring. In my fantasy baseball rankings and my top 500, I’ve moved Koda Glover above Blake Treinen and Kelley. Also, adjusted my Fantasy Baseball War Room. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:
Derek Norris – Released by the Nats, and will sign somewhere. I moved him in the top 20 catchers, but, until he signs, he’s a floater. I mean that in every sense of the definition of floater.
Max Scherzer – Says he feels back. *twists arm, places hand on back* Scherzer and I have something in common!
Charlie Tilson – Placed in a walking boot after being diagnosed with a stress reaction in his foot, and he was updated in the top 100 outfielders. The new center fielder for the White Sox appears to be Peter Bourjos, to which I say LET MY PEOPLE GO! Wait, that’s ‘poor Jews,’ not Bourjos. Tilson will return at some point and Bourjos is going to get benched, hurt or just be his usual uninspiring self, so I didn’t rank him. If you want to draft him at the back end of a top 500 overall in your crazy deep league, I won’t fault you. For what it’s Werth, Rudy projected him for around 250 ABs in the AL-Only rankings.
Corey Seager – As he works his way back from a sore back and oblique, he took 30 swings, ran and threw at half speed. This really messed with some amateur photogs who thought their camera was on the slo-mo setting.
Anthony DeSclafani – Diagnosed with a UCL sprain and shut down for a month. Tommy John surgery looms, but he’s looking at going the Garrett Richards stem cells injection route. In the not-too-distant future, every player will have an injury rehab procedure named after them. “I just had the Vlad Guerrero Jr. shin splints Thai massage, and I feel great!”
Amir Garrett – Competing for 5th starter job in Cincy, and, in the spring, he’s been straight fire emoji. I haven’t projected or ranked him (though, Rudy has all rookies projected on the Prospect-o-nator). I just drafted Amir Garrett in my NFBC league, or as I like to call him Muslim Mrs. Garrett. We’re talking close to pick 450 overall, so this is more about putting a guy on your radar, rather than telling you to go get him right now in your mixed league.
Yasmany Tomas – Strained oblique, and will be reevaluated in 4-6 days from 2-3 days ago, so in 18-36 hours from now we should have a timetable. Meanwhile, the timetable for the timetable is feeling very underappreciated.
Jake Barrett – Will open season on the DL, slowed by shoulder stiffness. The colloquialism is “Ride or Die” but Fernando Rodney might be the first “Ride and Die” closer of the season.
Martin Prado – Has a strained hamstring, and will start the year on the DL. Prado is 400 years old (give or take 367 years), I wouldn’t draft him anyway, and he was already buried in my top 20 3rd basemen. This will be good news for Oprah. Oops, my autocorrect changed my typo ‘Diet rich’ to Oprah. Dietrich is already in my rankings, and I’m not moving him up, but he’s a decent NL-Only flyer. Side note, member when Oprah promoted The Secret? Where are all the people who wished to be millionaires? They have a crock-of-shit book in one hand and an imaginary million dollars in the other hand.
Alex Dickerson – Disc protrusion and out three to four weeks. I can’t say I ever suffered from this, but I had a Sony Discman once that had a disc protruding from it, and I couldn’t close it or open it and I needed a new one. This was a pain. This will solidify Margot’s center field job, but I always assumed he was the starter, so my rankings don’t change.
Jason Kipnis – Went for a 2nd opinion on his shoulder. The 2nd opinion said, “You need new brakes,” then Kipnis went for a 2nd opinion that wasn’t a mechanic. That 2nd opinion said Kipnis will be out at least four to five weeks, so Kipnis went back to the mechanic. Originally, Kipnis said if it was regular season he’d be playing through it, which is funny because he’s going to be out until May. Obviously not haha funny. I moved him in my top 20 2nd basemen, and top 100 overall.
Carlos Carrasco – Diagnosed with a swollen elbow. To which I say:
Who was the guy who drafted Carlos Carrasco and Ian Desmond on the same team already? I’ll raise my hand since neither of them can.
— Razzball (@Razzball) March 15, 2017
I haven’t moved Carrasco in the rankings, because information has been so uncertain about his return. Last I heard is he feels better and will start in a minor league game today. Think the worse thing we can do is panic, scream fire in the theater of Razzball and remove Carrasco completely from our draft boards. The 2nd worse thing is ignoring warning signs and drafting Carrasco with a swollen elbow. You see the dilemma? There’s no easy answer here, but his start today could be a strong indication as to how effed in the eff hole Carrasco is.
Chris Tillman – Received a cortisone injection, which my app “Typos by IMDB” wrote as Tillman received Corleone protection.
J.D. Martinez – Diagnosed with a mid-foot sprain. From, like, the bottom of the toes to the ankle are super pointless, so what’s the big deal? He went for an MRI, and now wants a 2nd opinion, without saying what the MRI said. That essentially means anything from he’s missing his foot to the MRI technician spilled coffee on the results. It sounds like bad news and until we hear more Just Dong is just don’t touch, in my book. Speaking of my book (clunky segue alert!), buy my latest book, if for no other reason than I’ve answered your comments previously and you feel marginally guilty for involving me in your team’s catcher questions.
Jordan Schafer – Will undergo elbow surgery. He had arrived at Cards’ camp as a pitcher and outfielder, so I’m surprised he didn’t hurt his legs sprinting off the mound after every pitch.
Michael Wacha – Made the Opening Day rotation, which was always going to be the case once Alex Reyes went down. Wacha is ranked in my top 80 starters, and is a flyer for the backend of a fantasy rotation. I read somewhere ‘he should bounce back if his chronic shoulder injury doesn’t flare up,’ which is like saying, “I will deadlift 400 pounds, if my weakling strength doesn’t act up.”
Lance McCullers – Left yesterday’s start with a bleeding toe.
Cool impersonation, now Lance McCullers needs to spout crazy shit on Twitter and bankrupt Rhode Island https://t.co/0j6FiFuk61
— Razzball (@Razzball) March 19, 2017
Ian Desmond – Bud Black expects Desmond to return in late-April. Bud Black also expects cats and dogs to live in harmony and Jill Stein to win the recount. I’d put Desmond’s timetable at closer to Memorial Day.
Tom Murphy – Fractured his forearm, which means he has two 2/4arms? There should be some kind of law about something always going wrong for Murphy. Not sure what we’d call that law. Rockies said he’ll be out for four to six weeks, but a fractured forearm sounds like it would take at least two months.
Greg Holland – Talk that he could become the closer. Actual quote from Rockies’ beat reporter, “Holland needed just 10 pitches in a 1-2-3 ninth. He got Milwaukee’s Nate Orf to fly out on a 95 mph fastball. Holland struck out Gabriel Noriega on an 84 mph slider. And Holland got Ryan Cordell to fly out after two 75 mph curveballs.” So, he went through Brewers’ opp, and Nate Orf. Aagh aagh! That means saves for you! By the way, baseball beat reporter writing is like reading an instruction manual from Ikea. I think this might be a two-headed closer monster with Ottavino and Holland sharing saves, and I have moved Holland up in my fantasy baseball rankings and in the War Room.
Drew Pomeranz – Left yesterday’s start with a tight triceps. He’s now had a triceps issue and an elbow issue in the last few months. Do I hear forearm soreness? Metaphorically, man, you can move your forearm away from your ear. In my rankings, I say not to draft Pomeranz, so I’m not moving him. Draft at your own risk.
David Price – Will start the year on the DL. Yeah, no foolsies. I moved him into the top 40 starters back when he was just dealing with arm problems, and I’m not moving him again, but you gots to be loco in the cabeza if you’re drafting him.
Tyler Thornburg – Dealing with a dead arm. Him and Liberace.
Carson Smith – Threw a light bullpen session. He’s returning from Tommy John surgery, and should be ready by midseason. Unrelated note, Ben Carson once shut his eyes for three minutes and called it a blink. A further unrelated note, I’d love to see a staring contest between Ben Carson and Julio Urias. “Oh, and neither got out of the gate, blinking almost immediately!” That’s the staring contest announcer.
