Cause you got a build up of wax in your eyes and haven’t been digesting the non-verbal medicine I’ve been doling out about Khris Davis, he’s getting a lede. This is coming to you from a tough love perspective, so whatever I say I don’t wish to offend or denigrate. Y’all seem like good people. Some of you I would even consider friends. Friends that I’ve never met and friends that when you called me to make plans I’d lie about other plans I didn’t have to avoid you, but friends nevertheless. You all have good souls. Each and other one of you. Now, it’s time to unload on you. Damn, in the middle of softening the blow, I forgot what the blow was. Well, you should own Khris Davis. I know that was part of it. He’s been out-homering Chris Davis. Everyone knows there’s only one way to spell Khris Davis. Spelling it with a C is for cream puffs. Even that should be khream! Is Khris the answer to your season? Prolly not, but he is capable of 30 homers and he has 10 as of right now. Plus-minus that shizz and you have a bunch more homers in his bat. Oh, and four of those homers came in the last eight games. He is only 26 years old so there might even be a chance here for huge upside. I.e., his ceiling is unknown. All that is known is that he’s hit for power everywhere he’s played. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer in the last nine games, but left the game after he rolled his ankle. Lincecum said, “Hmm, I’ve never tried to roll that.” Arcia is day-to-day for now.
Danny Santana – 2-for-5 and his 3rd steal, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Not much here but speed (30-steal speed). If you need SAGNOF, do what you do, I’ll do what I do and maybe we’ll meet in the middle with Malcolm and Monie.
Wily Peralta – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Twins. I tried streaming him his last time out vs. the Cubs and got burned so I sympathize with those of you who tried him. His velocity is in the top five of the league and his xFIP is way below his ERA, but he’s an enigma wrapped in a flour tortilla, making him a riddlerito that gives indigestion.
Colby Rasmus – Nearing rehab games. What’s he, stuck at a red light?
Edwin Encarnacion – Sat out yesterday with a sore back. Sell!!! I’m kidding!!! I’m not falling for that shizz again. You got me once, Edwin, I ain’t that gullible– Hey, was that a UFO? I saw a UFO! And Andrelton Simmons was flying it!
Melky Cabrera – 1-for-5 and his tenth homer. It feels as if he has so many more homers than ten. Maybe because everyone around him is hitting so many homers and there’s just a general joy in the air — The Blue Joys. It’s like when you’re having a great time on vacation and even McDonald’s taste better in Europe.
Juan Francisco – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his tenth homer. I’m noticing a pattern.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-3, 2 runs and also hit his tenth homer. Today was obviously the day the Blue Jays decreed they could no longer have anyone below ten homers on their team. “Your three homers is like Jeff Goldblum smiling at my wife and daughter in the beginning of the original Death Wish.” That’s Dwayne Murphy talking to Adam Lind.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks. As frequent commenter, Long Bawls said, “For everyone who had 3:03 pm EST on June 5 as the moment J.A. Happ’s ERA and general fantasy utility would surpass Justin Verlander’s, please find the sobbing man muttering to himself in the shadows to collect your prize.”
Nick Castellanos – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting over .300 in the last week with a steal but no power. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I do think he can be much better. Maybe one day expectations will meet reality.
Andrew Cashner – Will return on Saturday. That means the Padres will only lose 1-0 on Saturday.
Carlos Beltran – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the DL. The Yankees are the only team where Beltran actually makes their lineup younger. It also further confuses the guy that has been in a 7-year coma, “I thought Ichiro was the starter and Beltran was the backup for the 2007 All-Star team.”
Brett Gardner – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. It’s everyone’s least favorite game show that drafted Jacoby Ellsbury (2-for-3, two steals) called, “What is this guy doing vs. Jacoby Ellsbury?” Gardner’s line 35/4/23/.279/14 vs. Ellsbury’s 29/3/25/.286/18. Show them what they won….A brand new ulcer!
Masahiro Tanaka – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.02. The Yankees made a promise to Tanaka. If he gets his ERA below 2, they will give him all the porn that Hideki left behind. It will be up to him to arrange freight logistics and transportation to remove it.
Drew Pomeranz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.20. Pom Wonderful. A little sweet, a little tart and a whole lot of delicious nutri-stats.
Kendrys Morales – Jon Heyman hears Morales might sign in the next day or two, and there’s a mystery team in the mix. I wonder if the mystery team stocks its cupboards with mystery-flavored Dum-Dums.
Yordano Ventura – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K. The results are middling, but he looked damn good, touching 98 MPH regularly. Good to see since I was half-expecting the Royals to be lying and Ventura to throw one pitch and his arm to break off at the elbow.
Jon Jay – 2-for-4, 2 runs. The Federalist is now batting over .350 in the last week. Think it means nothing? Don’t be surprised if the Cards, haters of all things rookie, play Jay over Taveras if the latter struggles for very long.
Mark Appel – Diagnosed with right thumb tendinitis. He got it from the repetitive stress of repeatedly trying to turn on his iPhone with Touch ID.
Jon Singleton – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 1st steal. I don’t pay you FAAB dollars for steals! I’m kidding, that’s cool, I like steals, let’s make out.
Tyler Skaggs – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Brad Peacock (5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K). Peacock vs. Scaggs was also the Behind the Music name for the fight between Boz Scaggs and Steve Miller when Miller was yielding to glam rock pressures and bought a full-body peacock costume.
Mike Trout – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI with a double and triple. Guess his back is okay. Maybe he was playing possum like, uh, well, a possum.
David Freese – 2-for-3, 1 run. He now has back-to-back two hit games, which for Freese makes him a hot schmotato and melting, I guess. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but could see adding him if you’re really struggling at corner infidel.
Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer. Can’t every team play every game at Coors? It’s like 1998 in there.
Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-4 and a slam & legs. I might just draft the entire Rockies team next year, then 13 bench hitters for when they’re on the road.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Au Shucks! Imagine if Godly –excuse me Goldy — were to play his home games in Coors. I just got the goose willies.
Chris Owings – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. So, what team is going into Coors today?
Miguel Montero – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer and his 2nd in as many games. It’s so hard to know what is a hot streak or Silver Bullet-fueled. Worth a shot on Montero, but when he gets back to regular altitude it might disappear.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Seriously, just assume everyone in yesterday’s Coors game had multiple hits and did something wonderful.
Kolten Wong – Left yesterday’s game with a sore shoulder. Ugh, FBO, it’s really unlikable to pick on rookies. That’s like when the villain kills a dog. There’s no going back from that.
John Mayberry – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer in as many games. He’s now moved into a tie with Domonic Brown with four homers on the year and has moved above him in the batting order. In related news, Tehol is standing in a mankini in front of a mirror, trying to smile, but instead his eyes well up.
Bryce Harper – Nats hope to have him back by July 1st. That day will be known in fantasy baseball lore as the day when his owners will forget Harper has disappointed for the last fourteen months and pretend they are getting back a 1st rounder.
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.19 vs. Phillies. Glad this was a baseball game and not a visual pun because I wouldn’t have wanted to see a Fister giving it to a Philly.
Adam LaRoche – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. That was his third homer in the last ten games and he’s hitting near-.300 in the last week. *sigh* I gotta just, except Ryan Zimmerman isn’t that type of hitter. He brings other things. Like empty 1-for-3 games.
Carl Crawford – Took batting practice. He should’ve took it to Kemp’s house. He could use it.
Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer and 2nd in as many games. Yes, yes, yes, yes, get smoking hot, you sumsabeech!
Nick Markakis – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer and 2nd in as many games, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Hot schmotatakis!
Shin-Soo Choo – 0-for-3, 1 run. Just about every Rangers hitter yesterday had two hits, so it’s kinda dickish to point out the one guy who went hitless, but he’s making $14 million so he’ll get over it. Any the hoo! I told you to sell him when he was hitting .330. Three weeks later, he’s now hitting .275. Yup.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Has great Ks this year. Yay! Has a 5.31 ERA. Nay! Has a 3.43 xFIP. Um, yay? Has a .372 BABIP. Um, nay? Loves to pick out home decor with his female best friend that he secretly has a crush on. Um, okay?
Ben Zobrist – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer and 2nd in as many games. Bruce Lee puppet says, “That’s Zobrist, baby! Only fool fight man with Zobrist.” *fast commercial voice* Available in 24 countries and Canada.
Kevin Kiermaier – 3-for-3 and a slam & legs. He’s the strong side of the platoon in the outfield while Wil Myers is out. He’s not a whole lot for mixed leagues besides at-bats and maybe the occasional steal, even though he does have three homers already. Kiermaier’s power will probably go Hoppe Hoppe Reiter.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Only 19 more to go!
Casey McGehee – 4-for-5, 4 runs. More like Casey Make-me-gay-hee! Right!? *crickets* Well, the crickets seemed to like it.
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer. OZUNA devour mere mortals and those overpriced banana chips you get at Whole Foods. OZUNA love them.
Jacob Realmuto – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs. Jacob Realmuto is what happened when Telemundo merged with the Beth-Israel Synagogue.
Travis Wood – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and pitchslapped Jacob deGrom (5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks). This was Travis Wood’s 2nd homer, which tied him with Robinson Cano. If I were Travis Wood, I’d ask for $240 million in arbitration.
Wilmer Flores – 2-for-5, 1 run as he got into the lineup because Daniel Murphy had the night off. Yeah, too much to ask to bench Ruben Tejada. He’s the Mets spark plug that they wanted to designate for assignment about three weeks ago.
Marco Scutaro – Cleared for workouts. That’s what Suzanne Somers was cleared for in the late-80’s that changed her life. Or so I read in her autobiography, “The Only Thing Plastic Is My Face.”
Michael Morse – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and his third homer this week. I was watching a History Channel special on Morse code and did you know Hitler used to replace the word b*tch in Morse code with the word French?
Brandon Crawford – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. If Brad Miller were doing this, I’d be talking about how he’s on pace for 16 homers and 75 RBIs, which is solid. That’s sad. I’m gonna take a nap. *claps hands* I’m back!
Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.68. Member when you were worried about his 4+ ERA and 1.70 WHIP after April? You’re silly! Come here, let me pinch your cheeks. Not those cheeks, you’re fresh!
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer, his 2nd homer in as many games. Really hoping he can get to 30 homers, then I’d sing some Todd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All.
Mat Latos – Left a rehab start with a calf cramp. Tony Cingrani is holding onto his rotation spot by the hair on nine out of ten ballplayers’ chinny-chin-chins. Seriously, what’s up with all the beards? Is the homeless Evan Gattis look in? Is the Unabomber the facial hair consultant for MLB?
Joey Votto – Took batting practice and fielded grounders. Reds manager Bryan Price said Votto will be activated soon, it’s just a matter of “making sure everything is where it needs to be.” I swear that was the exact words of my overweight aunt when she used to adjust her stretch pants.