Chris Johnson and Justin Upton made a nice Diamondcomeback last night. To welcome them back, everyone in attendance received a visiting team home run ball. Upton and Johnson went a combined 7-for-9, 3 runs, 5 RBIs with two homers as they both came a triple short of the cycle. Their trade to Atlanta for infielder Martin Prado and four prospects was a trade that Kevin Towers said was done because his team needed a facelift. That facelift looks about as good as Bruce Jenner’s, and right now Justin Upton is Ray J having sex with Kris, Kourtney, Khloe and Kim while making some wack-ass rap video about it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Altuve – Suffered a dislocated jaw after he was run over by Paredes; my father went the same way. I guess Altuve’s jaw doesn’t love a Paredes. When a five-foot man collides with a bag of marshmallows it could be serious, so he got relatively lucky. With his dislocated jaw, it’s gonna make it harder for him to bite ankles. (David Eckstein, the Head Sparky Anklebiter in Charge, represented for Razzball Nation. Video courtesy of frequent commenter, English Mets Fan. BTW, that video was done with forced perspective. The table he’s sitting at is from a doll house.) Altuve says he should be able to play Tuesday, because he’s built like a Mack Truck (one of those tiny Mack Trucks 3-year-olds play with).
Bryce Harper – Left the game last night after face planting against the wall. Major League Baseball has announced they are suspending the outfield wall for ten games. The wall doesn’t plan to appeal. Perhaps someone should explain to Harper that playing “balls to the wall” isn’t meant literally.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, 1.69 ERA on the year. How did I rank him so high and not draft him in any leagues? Not a rhetorical question, more of a cry for help.
Austin Jackson – To the 15-day DL with what medical practitioners call, “Not being hamstrong enough.”
Avisail Garcia – Tigers called him up. Some of youse will say, “It’s about time.” Others will say, “Who cares?” Still others will say, “I have a picture of a cat on a schooner that I animated in Photoshop and I call it an Avisail.” You’re all right in your own way, though the first one of youse are righter. Avisail was in the top 50 fantasy baseball prospects and touched on, in the non-sexual way, in Scott’s Tigers minor league preview. Let’s go there and copy and paste that, “The 21-year-old is prone to the whiff, but he just might be good enough to overcome that flaw. In any regard, if he can practice more patience at the plate, he could blossom into a perpetually awesome outfielder. Or as Grey would say, he could Mayim Bialik into redonkulous.” Hmm, that is true, I would say that. Avisail was called up to replace the DL’d Austin Jackson. It’s like the Tigers are going in alphabetical order. Get ready for the call-up, Avril Lavigne! So far this year, Avisail was hitting .432 in Triple-A with one homer. He doesn’t have huge power or speed, but can contribute both with a decent average. Right now, he’s platooning, so outside of AL-Only leagues, I’d hold tight.
Andy Dirks – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. He now has 3 homers in the last week, and two steals in the last ten games. Andy’s getting his 15 minutes of hot schmotato fame.
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-2, 1 run and hitting .438 in the last week and hitting .326. Can’t smuggle that H pass Saberhagenmetricians who would like to point out how Jhonny hit .299 in 2011. Peralta may just be an odd man in.
Victor Martinez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. His 1st homer also came against the Astros. I just thought of a fun All-Star Game festivity — V-Mart and Josh Hamilton in a Home Run Derby vs. Astros pitchers.
Bud Norris – 5 IP, 7 ER, but it was reported he left the game with back spasms. Did Bo Porter have worse back spasms so he couldn’t pull him from the game?
Aaron Hill – Hand hasn’t healed enough to start baseball activities. Spitting is fine, but scratching himself is still a no go.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3 with his 10th homer. Au Shizz!
Mike Moustakas – 0-for-5 as the Royals scored 11 runs. Ticker tease! When I said I was glad you turned a corner, I didn’t mean for you to keep turning corners and end up back in Shitsville.
Billy Butler – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs. What’s that, Butler? Oh! Sorry, he prefers I call RBIs ribbies.
Lorenzo Cain – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Considering I’ve picked up and dropped about 70 players already, I will say Cain is the only one I regret. That’s not a bad ratio. See how good I am at lying to myself? Now I know how Kevin Towers feels.
Jon Niese – His neck is hurting. That’s called whiplash. Better your neck hurts than where it hurts for his fantasy owners.
Zack Wheeler – Some unnamed source says the Mets will wait to call him up until the final days of May to as late as June 10th. Hey, Deep Throat, blow me! I stand by my timetable I gave on Friday during my Zack Wheeler fantasy. He will be called up within the week or the first week in June.
Rick Ankiel – 0-for-3, 1 run as he signed with the Mets to take more at-bats away from Jordany Valdespin. Ankiel could also be the Mets 2nd best starter. What a sad, desperate move this is by the Mets. To paraphrase Young the Giant, the dark world aches for Jordany Valdespin oh oh.
Matt Holliday – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Last night, he must’ve slept at an Eponymous Inn.
Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Mets in Busch. His line in Metco would’ve been 12 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 hit), 18 Ks. Seriously, I have a calculator that does this.
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .294. It might seem like I have some sorta predisposition for hating Carpenters in St. Louis, but before Local 147 sends me hate mail, I don’t. I’m just pretty underwhelmed by Carpenter. I mean, runs and average are nice, but three homers, 11 RBIs and zero steals? Kinda yawnstipating.
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer. Yes, he’s still hot. Yes, you should still own him.
Marco Estrada – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. Here’s a new pool game for kids. One kid closes his eyes, yells out Marco and the other kids yell, “Where the hell you been?!” Estrada might be able to give some value still, but I’m not going back to him in most mixed leagues until he goes more than one game without a homer allowed.
Jean Segura – 3-for-5, 1 RBI and 3 steals. Now hitting .368 with 13 steals to go along with 6 homers. Oh, so Hanley hasn’t retired in Los Angeles. Let’s take a moment to revisit our 2nd favorite fantasy baseball ‘pert. That’s totally unfair. I was pretty wrong on Segura, too. He could get 75 runs by the All-Star Break!
Norichika Aoki – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 steals. Not to take anything away from Aoki or Segura, but the Pirates backup catcher, Michael McKenry is hideous at throwing out baserunners. He’s allowed 17 steals and has caught one guy.
Wei-Yin Chen – Headed to the DL, but instead of the O’s giving us the O face by bringing up Kevin Gausman. It looks like Steve Johnson or Jair Jurrjens will get the rotation spot. Johnson isn’t good and Jar-Jar is far-far from good.
Vidal Nuno – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks as he got the spot start in the 2nd game of the doubleheader, which looked like a dead ball era doubleheader with the Highlanders taking on the Spiders until about the 7th inning of the 2nd game. Or yesterday’s doubleheader is like when you go into work on Monday hungover, check Facebook for about two hours, spend an hour Google chatting this girl you’re trying to nail, tweet a few things you think are funny to celebrities who ignore you and then repeat the same after lunch until about 4:30 when you organize your email inbox for thirty minutes and feel like you accomplished something.
David Phelps – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks. Has a 9+ K/9 and a manageable 3.82 walk rate with a xFIP much lower than his ERA. I.e., I’d start to look at him in 12-team mixed leagues. With all of that said (yup, here’s the reversal), I don’t trust him for his next start vs. the Blue Jays, but the two starts after that are the Rays and Mess. I’d consider him in those.
Lonnie Chisenhall – Demoted to Triple-A. Or as the headline would say if Chisenhall mattered, “Lonnie Gonnie.”
Justin Masterson – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. Like the original pimps that John Singleton directs masturbatory films about who dropped the “er” from gangster, Justin was Mastason. A mastaful paformance that makes me regret dropping him. At least we kept it in the Razzball family because Rudy picked him up for yesterday’s start. *shakes fist at the sky* Damn you, Rudy! (Though, as mentioned, it’s hard to pick up anyone that I haven’t dropped at least once.)
Trevor Bauer – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. He looks like he has 17 pitches in his arsenal, and can throw at least two of them for strikes once in a while. Bauer will now return to Columbus. If only he could long toss himself there.
Hector Santiago – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. Not a great game, but I watched every pitch and he looked fine. Was a bit rattled when Alexei bobbled an easy double play ball that would’ve got him out of an inning that saw four runs score (3 unearned). He made two legitimate mistakes to Aaron Hicks with the bases empty, and one of those came when he was gassed and should’ve been out of the game. I’d hold him in most leagues.
Josh Rutledge – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer. He also has 5 steals. He’s been more than serviceable, but all I’m saying is wait until Colorado gets hot in the summer and balls are flying out of Coors.
Travis Wood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. I really have no idea where the Ks are, but who cares? He has a 2.03 ERA on the year with a 0.90 WHIP. No, he’s not this good, but do you have an xFIP category in your league? Do you even know what xFIP is? Are you waiting for him to get hit hard in August to say I told you so? Pick him up!
Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 4th homer. That’s to go along with his 5 steals. Don’t read the next line while sitting in a running car in your garage, but he’s been better than Matt Kemp.
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and two homers. Both shots he hit were bombs (I mean, they were in Hubert H. Homerfree Dome, after all) and he gave me the impression that he could hit 15-20 homers with solid speed without the horrendous Ks at some point. He’s still hitting .152, but I could see grabbing him with the hope this is the confidence boost he needs. Or whatever boost he was using to scale the outfield fence to rob a Dunn homer.
Jason Grilli – Jetted in the jet when he got some news from home. Might be away from the club for a few days. I grabbed Melancon to potentially vulture some saves. Hopefully, Grilli’s gone for a while, but because of something non-serious like he won the lottery and is gonna go to the Seychelles for a few months.
Erick Aybar – Most likely returning on Tuesday. Hey, that’s today — thanks, iCal!
Tony Cingrani – He said he wouldn’t be surprised if he was sent down, saying, “Whatever they tell me to do, I will do. Leake has been here for four years…” Damn, Cingrani’s got game! That’s like a Master PUA dropping a neg. Cingrani may as well have said, “The Reds loyalty is admirable, even if it means they go with the lesser pitcher.” I don’t think Cingrani is going to be sent down as things currently stand, but he may get Leake’s phone number now.
Ryan Braun – Sat out yesterday with a sore neck. Roenicke said, “(Braun) woke up with it stiffer again and fought pretty good for a couple days.” Damn, no wonder the ladies love The Hebrew Hammer.
Colby Lewis – Had a small setback and received an anti-inflammatory injection. On the for serious, this is why him, Beachy, Pineda and all of these guys might pitch well this year or might all start twice in September and that’s it.
Jason Heyward – Aiming for a return on Friday. $5 says ESPN will tell you on Thursday to get him in your lineup. Then the ESPN Hindsighter will tell you, “He could be great if he doesn’t slump,” or something else inane.
Mike Minor – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. He’s challenging you to be better, Medlen. Accept the challenge!
Brian McCann – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Okay, I’m convinced, he’s healthy. Can I travel back to last week and drop Salvador Perez for him? Who’s coming with me to the DeLorean dealership?
Krispie Young – Felt renewed soreness in his quad and won’t return on Wednesday. So Crisp good, Krispie not so much. Moral of the story, extra time in the deep fryer isn’t always good.
A.J. Griffin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. He’s been one of the few MediaOAKers that has been as good on the road as at home, but I still feel much more confident starting him at O.co.
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-2 with his 7th homer, but left early due to a stomach ache, which should just be spelled stomache. I fixed you English language, you’re welcome!
Josh Beckett – 3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Apparently, he was averaging about a minute per pitch last night, so Mattingly cut his night short because he forget to DVR The Voice. It’s no great insight, but right now Beckett looks lost and is not startable against anyone.
Zack Greinke – It’s undecided whether or not he will start Wednesday. He can pitch, but the Dodgers are worried about something unforeseen with his collarbone. Since hitters wear elbow pads, shin guards and helmets, can’t Greinke wear a suit of armor?
Brandon League – Don Mattingly said he’s still the closer xfor nowx. See, he didn’t only do air quotes but his fingers were crossed, too.