Clayton Kershaw went 4 and two-thirds innings, giving up three earned and 11 baserunners. Six of those ducks on the pond were walks. That’s 1-2-3-4-5-6 walks. Versus the Pirates. A team that had a .318 OBP last year. Sure, this year they’re starting with Robot Jones, “I must kill the Queen,” but c’mon. How did I convince myself a pitcher who can’t get through 5 innings was a good idea? I blame all of you. Someone should of said something. And if you did say something, you should used more exclamation marks or a bigger font. This is not your beautiful wife, this is not your beautiful house, this is a pitcher who walks the ballpark. On the bright side — and let’s face it, we need a bright side since not all of us live on the first floor — Kershaw was very bad last April too. He’ll get better. Or at least I keep telling myself that. Convincing, right? No, really he will. Right? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Aaron Cook – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 Ks. Can you smell what the Cook is rocking? Smells like Dwayne Johnson’s movie career.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-5, Run scored. I’m as impressed as everyone else with what he’s doing so far. Like a dwarf standing in line, I smell a but. Yeah, random italicized voice, there’s a but. His jumps and/or reads on his stolen base attempts have been poor at best. Last year, his stolen base percentage wasn’t bad, but he was weak in the minors. 6 steals, 3 times caught in Triple A; 9 steals, 5 times caught in Double-A; 8 times caught in 23 attempts in Single-A… Do you want your leadoff man getting on and getting erased? Probably not.
Miguel Olivo – 1-for-3, HR yesterday. I know it’s frustrating when your catcher doesn’t start, but this was a day game after a night game. Iannetta won’t play this game at any point in the season if Olivo’s healthy. Could Olivo steal time? Yup, uh-huh, yeppers. But because he started this game is no indication of that.
Alcides Escobar – 1-for-2, 1 RBI. Carlos Gomez does not belong in the two hole, even if it seems appropriate because of what comes out of the two hole. Over/under for Alcides moving up to leadoff or the two hole is the end of April. I’m taking the under.
Trevor Hoffman – Got his 2nd save yesterday. When he was facing Todd Helton, I smelled fossil.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs, HR yesterday. Desmond can make it all right, brotha.
Ryan Howard – Two games, two homers. Howard’s not usually a fast starter. If he stays hot in April, he could hit a lot of homers this year. At least the Maris family hopes so. We was duped!
Kelly Johnson – 2 HRs yesterday. This is why you just draft guys and let them play. Otherwise, you end up like this, “Grey, I dropped Desmond on Monday for Kelly Johnson, then dropped Johnson for EverCab. Now I’m wondering if I should use my waiver claim for Desmond who I just dropped two days ago. Or what do you think of Scutaro?”
Ian Kennedy – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 Ks, 0 BBs. Granted, it’s the Pads, but still Kennedy only really made one mistake — a three-run homer to Hairston. Joba must be thinking of staying in ‘Zona for good next time he goes to Burning Man.
Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 4 ER. Has looked bad and I think his elbow might still be hurting him. I’m not getting caught in this guy’s free fall. I’m in the exit row, my life vest is secure and I’m ready to help you secure your flotation device.
Brandon Wood – 1-for-12 on the season. Good to see he’s really running with the job. If he’s not careful, soon the pine’s good get some more Wood. There’s a pun in there somewhere, you find it.
Justin Duchscherer – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Duchs suchs. Not loving these AL starters at all. Where’s Latos? I need him. I’m feeling a “No Latos” intolerance.
Matt Garza – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks. Okay, I’m not hating all my AL starters.
Milton Bradley – Homered then gave the game away with his defense. Blame it on the Mariners’ Moose… Lost the ball in the lights that are whiter than Jerry Reuss…
Luke Hochevar – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners. He looked sharp last night and I’m ready to leap if he pitches this well again. Though he’s pitched well before only to get torched right after, so I am not going to fall for the banana in the old tailpipe just yet.
Fausto Carmona – 6 IP, 1 Hit, 3 ER… Wow, that’s not a bad line at– Wait a second, he also threw 6 walks and 1 strikeout. Yeah, that’s not something you want to be part of.
Garrett Jones – Hit his 3rd homer yesterday. I took him out of my lineup because he was facing a lefty. Sonvabench!
Russell Martin – HR yesterday. Martin only hit that homer to annoy all the fantasy baseballers (<–my Mom’s term) who skipped over him in favor of Napoli or Iannetta. He’s in your head!
Rich Harden – I’m sure when a lot of his owners saw he only threw three and two-thirds innings before he was removed that he must of been hurt. Well, take out your piñatas, but don’t swing the sticks near Harden because he’s still healthy. He struckout eight hitters and walked five so he was removed because of a high pitch count. Kid gloves and all.
Vladimir Guerrero – HR yesterday. I never thought the day would come when I owned a DH-Only hitter and was happy about it, but we have Vlad in more than one league and I’m kinda enjoying it. I think at DH and in Arlington he can have a respectable year.
Kyle Blanks – Hit for the golden sombrero — 0-for-4, 4 Ks. He was so bad that firing himself would’ve been both appropriate and punny.
J.J. Hardy – Hit his 2nd HR of the year. It’s no mystery that a SS with 20 HR power has some fantasy value.
Vernon Wells – 2 HRs yesterday. 3 HRs for the year. This resurrection is the best piece of Wells-authored science fiction since War of the Worlds.
Leo Nunez – Blew the save as he walked in a run then balked in a run. This was after a, uh, balky spring. There’s no clear cut replacement for Nunez but it’s something to watch.
Jon Heyman – Obviously feeling upstaged by the Verducci Effect’s shortcomings, Heyman released his breakout candidates for 2010. Some of the names are Jayson Werth, Justin Upton, B.J. Upton, Matt Kemp, Ubaldo Jimenez, Nolasco, Gallardo and Cano. Great stuff, Jon! I think Lincecum is on the cusp of being a good pitcher. And who knows, maybe there’s something to this Pujols fellow.
Edgar Renteria – 5-for-5 or a hit for every decade he’s been alive.
John Bowker – 1-for-4, HR yesterday. Here’s what I said last year, “Bowker’s proven more than capable in the minors. This year’s Triple-A numbers are 82/21/83/.342/10 with more walks than strikeouts. In NL-Only leagues, you should absolutely grab him. In mixed leagues, I’d wait a few unless you’re absolutely hurting for power.” And that’s me quoting me! I’ll add that Bowker is a little long in the tooth and may be nothing more than a Quad-A player.
Eli Whiteside – That’s who I buy my lox from.