Back in June, about six weeks ago, the Twins were liking their chances this year. They went out and spent money on Kendrys Morales, just to put them over the hump. Then about five weeks and six days ago, they realized their chances for the playoffs were slim to anorexic, and regretted their move. They had buyer’s remorse quicker than Betty Draper’s new husband. “How could Don not appreciate this blonde beauty?” Dot, dot, dot. “Oh, that’s why.” I personally thought trading for a complement to Willingham, Arcia, Plouffe and Colabello was a good idea. I mean, who among those guys is a power, lousy average and no speed threat? Oh, wait, they all are. Now back to the Mariners, yeah, they need another 1B/DH-type. We’ll assume Kendrys plays every day (which he should). In the 2nd half of last year, he hit 9 homers and a .274 average. I don’t see much more from him this year. If anything, maybe a few less homers since he’s been struggling. Basically, what you can get off waivers in most mixed leagues. Or what the Mariners already had in Coreygan Smoakison, their Frankenstein 1B/DH. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chris Taylor – 1-for-3. Mariners called up their latest sexy middle infielder. Can one team have so many sexy middle infielders? Well, the answer is yes, I guess. Or until they trade Nick Franklin, Brad Miller and Chris Taylor for Erik Bedard. What? Too soon? Our Deep League Scout/Prospector Guy, Dano, already went over Taylor where he said, “Taylor worked his way from the rookie league to AA (last year) with a sense of urgency and success (building contact and discipline along the way) with a 43:7 Stolen Base ratio at a premium position (SS). I’m a fan and would roster this guy in uber deep dynasty leagues despite the 80 point PCL inflation – still, that would be a .360 BABIP and a .290+ AVG. Brad Miller and Nick Franklin are no locks. Especially no locks like you’d find on Grey’s upper lip. I wonder if he’s taken.” I am, Dano, but thanks for asking! I agree with Dano (that’s why I quoted him). In Triple-A this year, Chris Taylor-Stiller had five homers and 14 steals with a .328 average. Taylor has solid enough discipline and could hit .290 with some speed. I have no idea how playing time will shake out, but Taylor played yesterday and Miller looks effed in the eff hole, but he brought that on himself. You self effer! I’d look at Taylor in AL-Only leagues for now until he’s guaranteed playing time.
Kevin Gausman – It was reported that the Rockies were willing to trade Jorge De La Rosa for Gausman. I can relate, I bought one of those Star Maps and drove to Penelope Cruz’s house with Cougs and beeped for like twenty minutes until the cops showed up. I explained to them, I just wanted to talk trade.
Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. The eight years it took this guy to bloom was worth it! Assuming he hits another 300 homers in the last two months. Doable though. Totes!
Wei-Yin Chen – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Wei-Yin? 155 pounds of pure unadulterated bliss. Okay, fine. Weigh in on Wei-Yin? He’s a streamer.
CC Sabathia – Had season-ending knee surgery. Sure, I bet. We know he’s just in Brazil having his loose skin tightened from his weight loss.
Chris Capuano – The Yankees acquired him for cash from the Rockies. No word on how much was exchanged. I’m gonna guess under twenty dollars plus his plane ticket if he had at least 20,000 frequent flyer miles to cut the ticket price in half. Anything more and the Yankees got ripped off.
Mark Teixeira – DL stint is possible. For as much money as the Yankees have you think they would’ve had someone research about signing players that were once on steroids. This, of course, has nothing to do with Te(i)x. I’m sure he was healthy for 145 games a year for eight years in a row and now is just having an unlucky run. I’m sure.
Brandon McCarthy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, and a 1.45 ERA with the Yankees after having a 5.01 ERA with the D-Backs. When the xFIP meets the road, get on the rubber, you got pitching to do! Was that pithy? I can’t tell. For a while now, I’ve been saying McCarthy’s peripherals are way better than his shizzy ERA. Since he’s been with the Yanks, that’s bore fruit. Mmm, pluots.
Neftali Feliz – The Rangers announced Feliz would be the closer. Put a team announcing their closer in one hand and whether or not that guy will close in the other hand and you have nothing in either hand. How can you put a team’s announcement in a hand? I’m holding Neal Cotts for a week or until Feliz gets a clean save or two.
J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd in 3 games. Doesn’t give a whole lot other than the occasional homer, which is Just Peachy.
Billy Butler – Yost announced that Butler would lose playing time at DH. Butler said, “Great, even less standing!”
Danny Duffy – 7 IP, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 2.47. Well, it’s that time again when I check Duffy’s peripherals and see if I’m missing something. K/9 is up to 6.96 (meh), his BB/9 is 3.11 (eh), his BABIP is .232 (red flag!), his LOB% is 80% (eh), and his xFIP is 4.39 (burp). He’s inducing weak contact with a 20% line drive rate and a 14% IFFB and throwing fast enough (93.5 MPH fastball). Altogether, it’s a streamer that I can’t get behind right now for every start.
Corey Kluber – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (0 walks), 10 Ks, ERA down to 2.77. If every Kluber was like this, I’d move the couch out of my living room, put a pacifier in my dog’s mouth and a glow stick around his neck, throw a Skrillex t-shirt on Cougs and get rid of the almond milk in the fridge and stock up on Red Bull. Who wants some herbal ecstasy?!
Phil Hughes – Day-to-day after taking an Adam Dunn comebacker off his shin. Doing his best Ivan Drago, Dunn said, “If he dies, he dies,” then went off script with, “Let me measure him to see if he’ll fit in my basement freezer.”
Danny Santana – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Has now hit in every game since he returned from the DL, except for one. Don’t really see huge upside here, but if you’re really struggling with your middle infidel, you do what you do, I’ll do what I do and we’ll see each other at family get-togethers.
Zach Putnam – Hit the DL with shoulder inflammation. It happened when he was yanked back and forth from the ninth inning. It’s Petricka to rock around to rock around it’s Petricka, who is the man for saves, and he got one last night.
Hector Noesi – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. The Twins were kept off balance all game with Hector’s subpar pitching and constant barrage of questions. That’s just Noesi.
Adam Eaton – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. He’s doing more with a jammed finger than even The Barefoot Contessa could dream up in her lovely country kitchen.
Conor Gillaspie – 2-for-4, 1 run. Hot Schmotato Alert!
Rubby De La Rosa – 4 IP, 6 ER. Hey, could you watch my drink while I go for a swim? Well, I’m back, and that was refreshing, just like my nice rum cool-lah-da…. *five hours later* Hey, why are my legs tied to the bed posts with leis? Is that a piece of bamboo holding my stomach wound open? Oh, no, I’ve been roofied!
Brandon Morrow – Threw off the mound. That it happened without incident is truly amazing.
Marcus Stroman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. He only allowed one hit to the Red Sox in seven sparklers. His ERA is now down to 3.21. Like a Brisk Iced Tea commercial, it was a bit rocky at first, but let me go back to May 2nd and my Buy post on Stroman. Okay, I’m back and I loved him then! (I also said to sell Verlander and Blackmon in that post. You win some, you win some others. I am the Fantasy Master Lothario — don’t abbreviate it.) Stroman could still have bumps, like any rookie, but he’s worth looking at in all leagues, though I, like the Stream-o-Nator, would be cautious of his next start.
Melky Cabrera – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .311. Racist! I don’t care what Snopes says. 311, racist, we’re done.
Juan Francisco – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer. I wish I drafted Juan Francisco instead of Ryan Zimmerman, I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her, I wish I had a something-something something-something Impala.
Ryan Howard – The Phils announced Howard is on the trade block. A word of wisdom from my mustache to yours. If you’re trying to sell someone, then don’t bench them the day before due to poor performance.
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Hey, look at me, playoff contenders, I’m Marlon Byrd, I’m playing well! Oh, get over yourself already, Byrd. Someone will trade for you when they’re good and ready!
Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA down to 2.72. He does that for the GP — that’s the general public — that’s what he calls you and me. Hamels stays grounded and doesn’t come across as the bad guy in every 80s movie. Not at all.
Tim Hudson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.65. I wonder if Jonah Hill and Billy Beane are trying to trade for him only to leave him out of the final cut.
Aaron Harang – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. For Razznoobs, the MIA is the city code for Miami International Airport, but sometime in May, the team’s bats didn’t get to the players because a baggage handler thought they were labeled for Missing In Action. In April and May, the Marlins looked decent, but since then they’ve been among the worst in the league. It’s on again streaming against them.
Chris Johnson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Dating back to pre-All-Star break, Johnson has 5 homers in the last nine games. Is it sad that I’m between him and Gillaspie for my Zimmerman fill-in? Yes, yes it is.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 3-for-4, 1 run 1 RBI. I was thisclose to putting him in this afternoon’s Buy, but I was like, “Grey, do you really want more catcher questions? Even mentioning that you were considering him for the Buy will open yourself up to it.” Doh!
Henderson Alvarez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.62. Hendo is a Quality Start machine. For serious, he just churns ‘em out. “Pitch, ground ball, lazy fly ball, don’t want to waste any pitches on Ks, eighth inning, I’m done.” That’s him.
Tyson Ross – 6 Ip, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks. “You’ll never get to the 8th inning with all of those Ks.” Okay, Henderson Alvarez, we got it!
Rene Rivera – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Rudy and I are rocking him in our NL-Only league that is two catchers. There, he’s a thing of beauty. Anywhere else, he’s the backup catcher on the Padres. Yikes.
Will Venable – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Will “The Thrill Has Been Gone For The Entire Season” Venable, besides having an unwieldy nickname, is also about as overdue as the parking ticket I found recently that was from my college days in Boston. True story, I’m guessing I’m not going back to Boston any time soon!
Seth Smith – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Love The Lisper’s Nightmare, but it’s pretty scary that he’s the Padres three-hole hitter, when he wasn’t even an everyday player at any point in his career. Bud Selig might want to stop touting how he leveled the playing field for all teams and worry about leveling his toupee.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks. When I saw he was relieved by Joba, I remembered how when Scherzer first came up I used to call him, “Jobacum” because he was as filthy as Joba and Lincecum, and at the time I didn’t mean filthy like in the need of a bath. Ah, salad days.
Austin Jackson – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. And he’s finally over 50% owned. Well done, old chap (and four old ladies)!
Dillon Gee – 5 IP, 6 ER. I believe his owners stopped one letter short when they were shouting at him pitching. He’s now been hit two games in a row, but he still has a 2.85 Home ERA and that’s exactly where he’ll be for his next start vs. the Ain’t Young Enough To Be Called Phillies.
Lucas Duda – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games, and third homer in the last ten games. He’s also hitting over .300 in the last week. Pop quiz, hot shot: Who will be more valuable this year, Duda or Holliday? Tough call actually. Right now on our Player Rater, Duda has him edged by a few spots as a top 30 outfielder. I could see it going either way. Oh, but Duda is only owned in 60% of leagues. Things that make you go hmm…
Scooter Gennett – Still out with tightness. Scooter should try my mechanic. He’s great, and it’s fun to go and get bad news from him because his name is Sy. “You can’t fix my carburetor? Sy….”
Khris Davis – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. He’s making it seem like Chris spelled with a C is the wrong spelling.
Jonathan Lucroy – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer and third in three games, hitting .314. Lucroy is doing the best case scenario for what you could’ve hoped for from Mauer. With that said, I won’t like Lucroy next year either. There’s always five Devin Mesoracos where Lucroy came from. Which is a scary thought because Mesoraco is one freaky looking dude. Uncle Fester anyone?
Matt Garza – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks. It’s an extravaGarza! To me, he’s a streamer (which I streamed — booya!), and I dropped him before yesterday’s start was over when I looked at the Stream-o-Nator for his next start. You have to be that vicious with your streamers. Don’t get attached.
Yoenis Cespedes – Diagnosed with a thumb sprain and will miss a few days. Too bad he doesn’t have a thumb to go with each of his hundred legs.
Jim Johnson – Cut by the A’s. Billy Beane said, “I worry about a flurry of Lorena Bobbitt jokes on Twitter, but I have to cut Johnson.”
Jed Lowrie – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. You know what’s good on a hot schmotato? Some of Lowrie’s seasonings.
Josh Reddick – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Won’t be long before he’s moved up in the lineup. Fun fact! When his ancestors passed through Ellis Island, their last name was Redrichard, but it was shortened and made more crass for America.
Brandon Moss – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 23rd homer, 19 of those homers have come against righties, and displays little power with lefties. He’s like the Rush Limbaugh of sluggers.
Jeff Samardzija – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA on the A’s is 2.70. If you look at his last name long enough, it looks like there’s an umlaut over the I and J. Now I see dolphins coming out of his name. Cool!
Chad Qualls – Astros GM, Jeff Luhnow, said they are unlikely to trade him. Luhnow said, “We need more Chad Qualls. We don’t need less.” Considering four of their top five hitters yesterday were hitting below .215 on the year, I’d suggest the number of Chad Quallses they have isn’t entirely the problem.
Dexter Fowler – Not close to returning. That’s sorta like me the last two days if I wandered two blocks from my house. Live with me for a second — not literally, stop unpacking your suitcase — Barack Obama was camped in the hotel that is 500 feet from my house and they closed down my street for 24 hours. Seriously. The only thing worse would be if Chris Berman was standing outside the hotel yelling, “BARACKBARACKBARACKBARACKBARACKBARACK!”