Let’s start with an SAT question as old as this world that we call Planet Earth, assuming the SATs were around thousands of years ago when man was staying warm by humping a Buysellatops until they were feeling bi and sore. Which number doesn’t belong: A) 21.4% B) 21.7% C) There’s no C. D) 5.7%. If you answered C, I hope your folks are rich so you can get into an accredited college. Just think, after you graduate you can put Harvard on your resume just like everyone else new to the workforce. If you answered A because it’s the only even number, you’re overthinking; odds and evens is something you can forget after elementary school unless you plan on working the roulette table. If you answered B, because it’s the only B, at least you can get your pants on in the morning. They are on backwards though. If you answered D, you’re right. Those are Matt Kemp‘s last three years of homers per fly ball. 5.7% is silly bad. Last year that would’ve put him in the company of Alexei Ramirez and Michael Young. If there was no offseason shoulder surgery for Matt Kemp, that number alone would mean Kemp is a huge buy low. Of course, there was the surgery and his home run distance is down. He’s not driving the ball as far as he has in previous years. So, as I said in this week’s fantasy baseball podcast, I’m buying Kemp for the first time in about two years. I’m only buying him because his value is so low. I’m not buying him for 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th, 5th round talent. I’d want a discount, but I’d still buy. Look at a guy like Justin Upton last year. He was nursing an injury, then hit 9 homers in the last six weeks of the season. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Kemp do something similar. He could easily regain some strength as the season progresses and hit 17-20 homers in the final two months with 15 steals. He’s still a risky play because of the injuries, but for the right price, I’m buying. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Cody Ross – Here’s why you’re here; this is what ESPN said, “Ross hasn’t followed up his big 2012 the way many expected him to, but the outfielder now has two home runs, a double and four RBI in his last three games. Ross had just one home run and six RBI in all of June.” How insightful! Basically, anything you can gleam by looking at his stats. Does someone write ESPN blurbs or are they supercomputer’d together? “Pronoun verb noun adjective stat stat stat verb noun. Done!” Grab Ross right now because he could still turn his season around and he has a lot of stats to still get.
Adam Eaton – I officially stashed him a few days ago and I suggest you do the same. He sounds like he’ll be ready to go as soon as the 2nd half rolls in, which only sounds like a Simon & Garfunkel lyric.
Michael Brantley – I’m guilty of growing bored of him and dropping him too, but I’ve corrected my wrongs (no relation to JayWrong) and picked Brantley back up (and dropped him again for Cody Ross, but I still like. Really!).
Marlon Byrd – Have you ever seen a guy this hot before? Yes. Not to answer, Random Italicized Voice, but to ruminate on. What are you talking about? I was singing ‘Yes’ by Beyonce.
Oswaldo Arcia – A female Twins reporter, whose name I don’t remember and my Google is broke, said that power hitters are called “horses,” so a young one is a pony. Therefore, ergo, henceforth, Arcia is “The Pony.” Now we can look at this as girls just want to talk about ponies and dolls and baking or we can embrace it. I’m choosing to embrace it. Arcia is The Pony.
Delmon Young – He was once My Little Pony, but then Delmon proved he had no power and while he is relatively young his career has platooned like a 47-year-old Michael Young. Seriously, didn’t Delmon have upside at one point? Any the hoo! Young is currently hitting, so there’s that.
Eric Young – I swear on my gorgeous full head of hair that Young’s gonna steal some bases one of these days.
Jarrod Dyson – SAGNOF!
Tony Campana – Just went over him this morning. Here’s some quotes from that, “The Queen (of mean)…giggling like a school girl…played by…Jerry Lewis…Hubba-bubba-double-va-va-vroom!…Downtown Julie Brown.” Hmm, I could never work for Zagat’s with those pulling-quotes skills.
Chris Johnson – I know what you’re thinking, “Grey is really freakin’ handsome.” What you also might be thinking is, “Can Johnson give anything besides counting stats?” Probably not, but he is providing those.
Josh Satin – Here’s what I said the other day about Satin, “Satin is the anti-Davis (and the anti-Christ). He doesn’t really have great power or any speed or a pitchfork, but he’s excellent with taking a walk, could hit .300 and get played by Al Pacino — who-AH, I’m Satin! Reminds me a bit of Lyle Overbay, which isn’t a fun comparison. So let’s say he reminds me of Peter Lorre. That’s fun!” And that’s me quoting me!
Ike Davis – The Mets kept issuing press releases about how they were not calling up Ike, which I’m assuming was just to eff with him like he eff’d up their team for two-plus months. They finally receded the very public neg they were laying on him and recalled him for Friday. Odd, usually a neg leads to a Monday call, or maybe Tuesday.
Logan Morrison – There’s guys like Cody Ross that I’m pumped to own this week and guys like Morrison that I’m not. What’s the world coming to? Morrison’s gotta have some upside still to get me excited, doesn’t he? i.e., Morrison’s gotta break on through, right?
Juan Francisco – You know you’re playing like straight, not-endorsed-by-Paula-Deen butter when you make it into two straight Buy columns. It’s about as fulfilling of an honor as the Hall of Fame. Not the one in Cooperstown. The one in the basement of that weird kid from high school who made his own Hall of Fame out of Mr. Potato Heads. If you’re that kid, I didn’t mean weird, I meant quirky.
Johnny Giavotella – Screeching a’la Snookie, “Giavotella! When are you gonna steal some bases? I want another baby!” Fist pump!
Adeiny Hechavarria – He’s been hitting and when you say his name you hock up a loogie. Who doesn’t like that?
Derek Jeter – A lot of DL players to stash this week, huh? Yeah, you’re observant. Too bad your fly’s been open all day.
Brad Miller – I’ll tell you a secret, I picked up Miller for his first few games, then dropped him. I had him at UTIL though, and I’m not carrying a Mariner middle infield rookie at UTIL, If you need a middle infidel, nothing wrong with Miller.
Anthony Rendon – He’s over the cut-off of 50% owned in ESPN leagues, but I wanted to point out something. As much as I make fun of ESPN ownership numbers, Yahoo’s even worse. Rendon is owned in 34% of Yahoo leagues? Really? Really, Seth Myers?
Miguel Montero – I only mention him to elicit catcher questions. *sticking head in oven*
Alex Avila – He was a huge, sexy, adjective in 2011 with 19 homers and a .295 average and he’s only 26 years old. Those kind of stats have to be in there somewhere still. They have to be. (Granted, I feel like I’m gonna be saying this again next year with still nothing to show for it but 2011.)
Heath Bell – Member when the D-Backs said Bell was out and Putz was back in as closer? If you don’t, you smoke way too much weed. Doode, it was only about a week ago.
Alex Torres – Here’s one for the MR. B’s out there. Torres’s stats so far: 2-0/0.39/0.57/31 in 23 IP. Yup.
Mark Melancon – On one hand, I think Grilli is tiring and might get replaced. On the other hand, Melancon has been crazy solid as a middle reliever. On the third hand that is really the Hamburger Helper man, in deeper leagues there’s not a whole lot of save vulturing right now, so you take what you can.
Roberto Hernandez – You know that guy at the racetrack satellite TV that talks really fast about his bargain sleepers? Okay, imagine that guy telling you this, “Hernandez has a decent K-rate, gets the Twins at home *burp* Excuse me, he can’t looooooose! But he can win and give you Ks in this start. He’s my can’t-miss-start-of-the-Buy-section-or-I’ll-start-talking-Ritalin-and-get-a-new-job!”
Jeremy Hefner – This pick up could also be construed as less-a-streamer and more a ‘just pick him up.’ That’s right, Hefner went from the ghetto to the grotto! (I’m sure that is some Playmates autobiography that was ghostwritten.)
Trevor Plouffe – Plouffe goes the dynamite!
Will Middlebrooks – He could return soon, and so could Lindbergh’s baby. Seriously, you never know.
Brett Lawrie – He’s gotta return at some point, doesn’t he? Rhetorical! Actually…That’s not rhetorical. Is he gonna return at some point? Where’d this young brother go? Is he taking advantage of Canada’s health care? Glenn Beck was right! BTW, when did that Beck fella go from the guy singing ‘Loser’ to being one?
Ryan Howard – This isn’t a sell as in, “Yo, I’m gonna sell Howard at the peak of his fame, and reap major booty like J. Lo.” This is more, “I’m going to add Howard into a trade as a sweetener because I’d prefer his stank ass on someone else’s team.” Howard got old, and doesn’t look like the same player. This happens with the big-bellied. Their swing slows just a tad and they can no longer get around on fastballs and can’t drive balls like they used to. Right now, Howard looks like a 22-homer, .250 hitter. This might blow your mind a little, but Eric Hosmer has been more valuable than Howard, according to our Player Rater, and I see no reason why that doesn’t continue.
Zack Greinke – I’m actively trying to trade him to whoever will take him. If I simply get saves for him, I’m gonna take it. He doesn’t look right and I’m getting out before I get to October and have to say, “So, this was an off year for Greinke after the collision with what’s-his-face. I wish I would’ve traded Greinke for something in July. Hmm…Maybe I’ll send this message to July Grey since here in October there is time travel.” Okay, that’s just weird. So, that’s how I know to trade Greinke now? Answer me, October Grey, I demand you! Send me a message!
Jason Kipnis – I’m gonna harp on selling Kipnis until I turn blue in the face. No, it’s not because I have a costume party in August that I’m going to as a Smurf. No, I’m also not going to a costume party as Lance Armstrong’s one blue ball. Last year, Kipnis had 11 homers and 20 steals until the All-Star game, after he had 3 homers and 11 steals, which is a good two weeks from a hot middle infielder. This year, he has 13 homers and 19 steals. Nearly identical to last year, and after the All-Star break this year he has… That ellipsis represents the unknown. I wouldn’t trade him for a Trapper Keeper covered in Garbage Pail Kids stickers even if one is GuilloTina (only because the stickers are used, and you have to keep them in their package for their value), but I would explore offers.
Your ’89 Hyundai – That’s the reason you’re not getting laid!