Josh Rutledge did not play for the third time since last Friday because Walt Weiss is crummy with crackers, then thinking he was a real Weiss guy, Rutledge was sent down to Triple-A. This is the same Rutledge that went into yesterday’s game hitting .259 with a homer, 3 runs and 3 RBIs in the last week. He’d be leading the entire Marlins team with those numbers! On our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, he was above Starlin Castro, Alcides, Alexei, Rollins, Asdrubal for the year… Seriously. He was doing better than all but 8 shortstops. Yes, I’m on the River Denial and my boat is called, “Dubya Tee Eff?!” and I’m stopping at the Sphinx to riddle him with, “What are the Rockies doing?” Are you seriously going with DJ LeMahieu because he had hits the last two days?! Why not just go with David Guetta? At least he’s had hits I’ve heard of! The problem seems to be that the Rockies are holding Rutledge’s fielding against him. Luckily, Weiss wasn’t managing the Yankees in 1996 or Jeter would’ve been sent down for Luis Sojo. I know, The Art of Fielding, I know Dan Fielding, I do not know of sending Rutledge down for fielding. Stop the madness and bring back Rutledge! I’ll admit when I’m wrong with drafting guys, but Rutledge was not a mistake. It’s stupid teams, playing for stupid things that don’t matter in 5×5 roto. STUPID! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yasiel Puig – Mattingly said he’s fed up with how the Dodgers are performing and is about to do drastic things. Like shave your mustache? Speculation is he could call up Puig and/or Joc Pederson. Mattingly also recently said he doesn’t know who his closer is, “It’s the guy who takes the mound in the 9th,” so if Mattingly’s trying to make it seem like he knows what he’s doing, he’s going for the long con as he lowers expectations first. Maybe he should put his least competent reliever in the 9th and try to steal third with Kemp at bat. Oh, wait, he does these things already. He actually looks like a decent manager…When Kershaw is pitching! LA Times prepare your headline, “Done Mattingly” because it’s probably not too long now. Puig is the bigger name due to his Spring Training, but Pederson has looked just as good. Both have solid power, speed and won’t hurt you on average (Puig is hitting .314 with 6 homers and 10 homers in 32 games; Pederson is hitting .327 with 8 homers and 13 steals). They’re basically everything you want in fantasy baseball. Unfortunately, I really don’t see where they play without an injury or something drastic like making Ethier a bench player. I don’t like Ethier, and I’d do the move, but that’s a big move for a major league team to make. The Dodgers are obviously tiring of Ethier since he didn’t start yesterday and Mattingly said he wanted the team that would “fight the hardest.” They should call up Kimbo Slice. In deep leagues, I’d stash Puig as a lottery ticket, but I wouldn’t expect a million dollar payoff.
Scott Van Slyke – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs as he was the immediate benefactor of Ethier not fighting. Not sure how this is a surprise to anyone. Do they see how Ethier arrives to the park? The guy isn’t fighting, he’s clashing purple and pink!
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. The Korean consulate contacted me yesterday to tell me that I should not pronounce his name, H-Young-Jin Are You, but I was having a hard time with what it should be so we settled on Young JR. His name is Young JR., so stop your booing, the Dodgers are hoping their team will make a U-ing… This isn’t a dream, cous, but they wish the signing of Bobby Abreu was. (I swear the preceding sounded good in my head.)
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 7th steal. Thank God they got that anchor Ethier out of their lineup. He’s cramping everyone!
Carl Crawford – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th steal. You did well with the Crawford gamble at your draft, and, as long as he stays healthy, you will continue to reap the player with bennies.
Kyle Lohse – Scratched from his next start due to an elbow something-or-other, which means Mike Fiers will get his Saturday start vs. the Pirates. I imagine you could get Michael Fiers if you were f**king Michael Fiers. You could also get him if you were to go to your waivers and grab him. Whether you should is a whole ‘nother ball of matzoh. If you’re desperate, I could see grabbing him, but I don’t feel confident in him at all and Lohse could return soon.
Wily Peralta – 1 2/3 IP, 4 ER. In the preseason, Sky compared Wily to a young YoGa. He’s more like young yogurt, which is just a bowl of curds and crap.
Matt Harvey – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks. I’m not gonna bother pointing out how I told you to sell him two weeks ago. I’m just gonna casually point it out by saying I’m not going to point it out.
Rick Ankiel – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .323 on the Mets. He also has 7 homers on the year. Yeah, I know, it makes no sense, but I’d grab him for a little hot schmotato action.
Daniel Murphy – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Elsewhere, David Murphy went 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 6th homer. This week we’re having ourselves a Murphy’s romance. Thankfully, I have never seen that movie so I have nothing to say on it.
Zack Cozart – 4-for-5, 2 runs. Even after this game, he’s only hitting .224, and he’s had hits in 7 of his last ten games. Unfortunately, a bunch of those games he was 1-for-5 and 1-for-6. Also, I don’t love that he hasn’t even attempted a steal this year. Somehow, I still like him.
Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks. At this point, I see no reason not to pick him up, but I trust him as far as I can throw him, which is pretty far because I bench-press 360 lbs. on the reg.
Mark Melancon – Earned the save due to Grilli’s long outing on Tuesday. Nothing here other than clarifying who the set-up man is and Grilli’s gotta operate on gas.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Samardzija is short for Samardzijalovesme. You jealous? A little jell? Yeah, you are.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 IP, 6 ER. This is Exhibit A through Z why I don’t trust Liriano. They look fine, then they defecate on your pizza and tell you it’s poopieroni.
Andy Pettitte – Will resume throwing on Thursday. He better update his LinkedIn profile too!
Curtis Granderson – 3-for-3, 2 runs, and his 1st homer as he played center and hit leadoff. If Girardi sticks with this like gum sticks in his braces, it could be trouble for Gardner.
David Adams – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer in three games. Ugh, I don’t even want to say it about this guy because he’s such a futility man, but it does seem like he’s hot.
Kevin Youkilis – Played in a simulated game on Tuesday. Sims is so 2003. Youuuuuuuuuk could return soon, but the Yankees have no timetable. Girardi said, “I put my alarm clock on a folding chair.”
Hiroki Kuroda – Left the start with a bruised calf. He needs a trip to a Kobe beef massage parlor.
Kevin Slowey – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks but left with a strained lat muscle. Those are usually good with white wine and lemon.
Jaime Garcia – To undergo shoulder surgery. Considering he came into the year needing shoulder surgery, this should surprise no one, except the World’s Easiest To Surprise Man who is currently amusing himself with the ‘pulling your thumb off’ trick.
David Freese – Will miss his third straight game with swelling around his thumb. Member when saying something was swell was a good thing? Simpler times.
Tyler Lyons – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Great start! Was in Petco and he had a 4.47 ERA in Triple-A. Oh.
Yadier Molina – 4-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .333 with 2 homers on the year. On his player page, it shows that he should be hitting closer to .275. If that happens with less than his current pace 10 homers, Yadier, Yadier, Yadier…
C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Mariners. Arte Moreno’s found his Washington Generals.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Cool, now take a four day nap.
Chris Davis – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. I wish all my players regressed this badly. Mostsuckass can’t even get to a level where he can regress.
Jonathon Schoop – Stress fracture in his back and will miss 6-8 weeks. Schoop said, “I hit the DL for the hell of it, just for the yell I get…Mmm, mmm, mmm, for the smell of it.”
Gio Gonzalez – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 Hits, 2 BBs, 5 Ks vs. Madison Bumgarner and his 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 Hits, 2 BBs, 5 Ks. That’s right, both pitchers came within a third of an inning of having identical pitching lines. If Gio hadn’t thrown the extra third of an inning, Tim Kurkjian’s head would’ve exploded.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 12th homer. To think the people on The Real World: Portland are older than him…and drunker and more STDy and more racially sensitive while being wildly ignorant. Okay, they’re older than him, we know that for a fact.
Pablo Sandoval – Sat out yesterday due to illness. Biggie Sands is the illest!
Carlos Quentin – Out again with a sore knee. Shouldn’t he save the BS excuses for when they’re playing the Dodgers?
Adam Eaton – Has renewed elbow soreness and will probably be shut down for a couple of weeks at best, at worst could need Tommy John surgery. Not as bad for hitters, but would knock him out for the year. On the bright side for Eaton, the organizers for the annual Tommy John Surgery Convention allocate the same amount of donuts for hitters as pitchers.
Trevor Cahill – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. He was in Coors, so I wouldn’t make a mountain out of this Cahill start.
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-4. With Eaton’s setback, Pollock should get plenty of time to spread his very-light power, very-light speed wings. Fun fact! Didja you know when A.J. Pierzynski was in grade school his nickname was A.J. Pollock?
Rafael Betancourt – His MRI turned up scar tissue that I wish you saw. No idea how he has scar tissue in his groin, but I’m gonna guess penis enlargement surgery. Betancourt says he should be able to go by Friday, if he can get on his pants. I’d continue to hold Rex Brothers, the player not the furniture store.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. I’d be worried if he gets to 25 homers by the end of July, he will then get hurt for a month. I’m only 17% joking.
Jorge de la Rosa – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. ERA is at 3.40 on the year. He’s been excellent in Coors (sub-3 ERA), but I ask you this as a person who has grown to know you as only someone can know someone they have never met, would you really start him in home games?
Hector Santiago – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Red Sox. Real nice game from this guy. I’m liking what I’m seeing so far. He has been getting a tad lucky, but his K-rate is solid and, well, that’s all I need. Definitely own him.
John Danks – Will make his season debut on Friday. He has 15/13 K/BB in his rehab and lost velocity. Danks, but no Danks.
Clay Buchholz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Didn’t have his best stuff, but he gutted it out. In related news, his gut was lathered in suntan lotion.
David Ortiz – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and a steal. Somehow he was able to get a 89 foot lead off first.
Nick Swisher – Will return on Friday from paternity leave. Nick said he was so happy to be there for the birth of his baby girl, “When she first popped her head out, it looked like she had sideburns.”
Yan Gomes – 2-for-4 and a solo homer. I know this makes no sense, but he has catcher eligibility and is playing a decent amount and now has 5 homers and I want him.
Michael Brantley – 3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs. With Swisher birthing baby burns, Brantley has been hitting clean-up. Love to see it stick, don’t think it does, but, according to the Player Rater, he’s been better than Morse, Swisher, Saunders, Victorino, The Lisper’s Nightmare and Kemp, to name a few outfielders. (Quick tip on the Player Rater, type in OF in the box under Pos and it will sort by outfielders. Can do that for any position.)
Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks. Um, you should have a few more years in ya, big guy, before you go the way of the Halladay.
Andy Dirks – 2-for-5, 2 runs and this 5th steal. Again, while he’s batting lead-off, decent pick up. 2nd verse same as the first.
Brayan Pena – 3-for-5, run, RBI. With a name like Brayan, he sounds like he should be a donkey, but if you own Avila, Brayan might just be the jackass stealing time from him.
Ross Wolf – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. Score one for Team Jacob.
Adrian Beltre – 1-for-3 with his 11th homer. This was his fourth homer in the last 11 days. I should’ve stopped at trading Choo for Beltre and not upset the Fantasy Baseball Overlord by trading Machado for Price. Cust lamentin’.
Jarrod Parker – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Seems to have turned things around and he gets the Giants in O.co next. I’d start him there in most leagues.
Chase Utley – Will undergo an MRI on Thursday. A DL stint seems forthcoming. Howard and Rollins were holding tickets with the numbers 1 and 2, but the DL bakery called 3 first. I’m sure they’ll come back around for them.
Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. The Marlins should’ve invoked Wiffle Ball rules where the inferior kids get three runs to start the game. Especially since Loria sold all of their equipment and the Phils had to leave their gloves on the bases when they left the field.
Delmon Young – 2-for-4 and his 2nd day in a row with a homer. You can wait until Friday’s Buy/Sell or you can grab him now. Your call, prematurely balding man!
Matt Dominguez – Out of the Astros lineup with quad tightness. I feel bad for the Astro fan at the game wearing the “Not Altuve” jersey.
Jose Bautista – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs, a steal and two homers (10 and 11). I’ve been going on about whether Edwin or Bautista will have more fantasy value this year, but, brucely, I don’t care. I need Bautista to hit 50 homers and have a .460 OBP so we can win our Tout Wars league. And that’s me getting down to brass tacks/tactics/tax/whatever the cliche is!
Fernando Rodney – 1/3 IP, 1 ER. Another day, another blown save. He really needs to be pulled from the role. He’s lost all control of his pitches. I’d grab Peralta, sin un momento aviso.
Trevor Plouffe – Placed on the 7-day concussion DL. Morneau said Plouffe should be fine in less time. Then Mauer told Morneau that it took him nearly 18 months to return. Morneau just blankly stared at Mauer finally saying, “Really?”
Vance Worley – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER as the Braves gave Worley a swirlie. After the game, Worley was sent down. Kyle Gibson might want to extend a thumb while he’s pumping his arm. I’m kidding, he shouldn’t hitchhike. It’s not safe. Jimi Hendrix used to hitchhike and now he’s dead.
Aaron Hicks – 3-for-4 with his 4th homer. I really want to get excited about him, but he’s still a hacking mess. He’s hitting .157 and just on Tuesday he went 0-for-5 with 3 Ks. On the serious, I think the Twins might be messing him up for the long-term. I’d send him back down and let him return when he can identify a fastball from a curve.
Paul Maholm – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Made the Twins look like the Tlosers.
Evan Gattis – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. Also, it was his 2nd game in a row with a homer. Two homers would be nice from Salvador Perez for the entire year. Why do the Royals vex me so much? I’m throwing out all of my tea.
B.J. Upton – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer, and now has a two-game hitting streak! Man, owning him has been like dating a Catholic School girl in high school. B.J.!…two month drought…B.J.!…two month drought…Maybe that Dominican girl, Starling Marte, will put out…two months later and my car’s keyed and her brother’s going to beat me up…