When Jose Fernandez walks into the 18-and-over strip club, where only the drinks are virgins, that’s called “Rookie Nookie,” he flips his rookie cards like they’re dollar bills, yelling, “Jose make it rain! Jose make it rain! Get it? Hoe say, ‘Make it rain.'” He explains his puns, but he doesn’t need to explain his stuff. It’s filthy with a side of Dirt Nasty. Last night, his line was 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (2 hits) and 10 Ks. Sure, it was against the Padres, but Nolasco just got his asco handed to him by the same team. Fernandez is in the upper echelon of K-rates (9+) for all pitchers with a more than manageable walk rate (hair above 3). Oh, and he’s 20 years old. He can’t buy alcohol! He can’t legally marry an illegal alien in the state of Mississippi without parental consent! He’s so young Jose Tabata’s wife could’ve gave birth to him! He skipped right from High-A to the majors, so this is basically his Double-A season. I just got goose pimples on my butt thinking about how good he can be next year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jeff Mathis – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and two homers in the last 3 games. In two-catcher leagues, Mathis has people asking if they can play Misty for me. BTW, your grandmother sees Bruno Mars and she asks, “Is that Johnny Mathis Jr.?”
Adeiny Hechavarria – 2-for-4 and his 4th steal. I haven’t talked much about him because A) He’s hitting .208. B) His name is impossible to spell. C) There’s no C.
Jedd Gyorko – Has no timetable to return, but it’s looking like it could be at the end of this week. Geez, he’s really Gyork-ing his owners around.
Edwin Encarnacion – Scratched due to a sore hamstring. The National Council of Pork insists this is an isolated incident for Edwin’s hamstring and should not reflect poorly on pork products, including but not limited to pork rinds, pork-flavored chewing gum and those generic Slim Jims you get at the gas station with ingredients listed as: whatever-falls-off-from-the-better-stuff.
R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Tigers. I’ll say it for you…Sonavabench! The good news is Dickey looks like he’s back from his early season woes. The bad news, because of the nature of the knuckler, there’s no way of knowing what he could do next. Still, much rather have him coming off of two solid starts than where he was, say, five starts ago. So, adjust your sweatpants, your Dickey’s turned a corner.
Jose Reyes – 3-for-5 and his 3rd homer. But what did Rajai do?!
Rajai Davis – 2-for-5, 2 runs and 2 more steals. Now has 7 steals in the last 4 games. After the game, Rajai said, “As the King of SAGNOF, I wear the same crown Vince Coleman wore when he threw fireworks in a crowded parking lot. My velvet robe was bestowed to me by Rickey Henderson; I believe he bought it at Bed, Bath and Beyond. My leather pants are from Carlos Mencia, who stole them from Eddie Murphy. I will also be appearing on QVC this weekend where everything’s a steal!” He then raised a vertical hand with a slight twist of the wrist and waved.
Mark DeRosa – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 5th homer as he started for Edwin at 1st base and hit cleanup in Edwin’s spot. So, they were either saving lineup cards or the opposing manager stole the Jays lineup cards to roll cigarettes. I’m going with the latter since across the field was Leyland.
Anibal Sanchez – Left yesterday’s rehab game after taking a liner off his calf. He’s currently being checked by doctors and PETA is tending to the calf.
Jose Alvarez – 3 IP, 4 ER. More like No Quiero Alvarez. *blows on knuckles, rubs them on shirt* Thank you, 13 years of Spanish!
Wandy Rodriguez – Wandy will miss at least another three weeks after receiving a platelet-rich plasma injection into his elbow. I once got a collagen injection into my lips so you could see them under my mustache. I wonder if it’s the same thing. Probably not!
Marlon Byrd – 3-for-7, 1 run. And this Byrd you cannot cage! As I’ve been saying for about two weeks, Byrd is a hot schmotato. He’s now doing an extended hot schmotato remix with David Guetta.
Omar Quintanilla – 3-for-5, 1 run. The Mets announced they weren’t sure if Ruben Tejada would take over for Quintanilla. There’s your answer to if the Mets announce something no one cares about, will anyone listen. Sucker!
Wade Miley – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks in Metco. The Stream-o-Nator had him at $10.3 yesterday, with $10 being the cut-off for a solid start, so SON nailed this one. Speaking of SON, I’m about to get ready to abuse it in the 2nd half of the season like Roseanne Barr with one of her husbands. Now there’s a solid sample size for most pitchers and offenses to start streaming like a madman. Not to mention, after my disastrous weekend of pitching, I’m ready to take chances.
Trevor Cahill – Hit the Disgraceful List. Too bad, so sad. The Diamondbacks will replace him with either Tyler Skaggs or Charles Brewer. Brewer’s not related to Bernie or a good pitcher. I have some love for Skaggs– *shooting up in bed, dripping with sweat* I just had a nightmare that Zack Wheeler pulled my fantasy team up on his computer and picked himself up for my team. Rookie pitchers are an evil beast that don’t use coasters and leave the toilet seat up, which is terrible for feng shui. If you are feeling like you could gamble, I could see grabbing Skaggs, but he did have a 5+ ERA in three starts this year. In most mixed leagues, I’m taking a wait-and-see approach.
Aaron Hill – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. The Diamondbacks offered masking tape to anyone who bought a Cahill jersey.
Gerardo Parra – He should be fine, but he left yesterday’s game after faceplanting. Weird, I once left a carnival after face painting.
J.J. Putz – 1 IP, 1 ER and a blown save. What does this have in common with John Wayne Bobbitt? A Putz picked up right where he left off. I just dropped Bell because he’s been terrible and I half-expected him to give up runs yesterday when he came in for middle relief, but after Putz’s outing, Bell or Hernandez could see saves shortly. I will now put in a waiver claim to pick Bell back up. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Putz end up back on the DL by this time next week.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer as he was activated from the DL. Unfortch, he sat in our DL slot yesterday in a Yahoo league. It’s really stupid that you need to bring a guy off the DL the day before in Yahoo leagues. What would this take to fix? Possibly twenty minutes by a competent programmer? There’s no reason why it’s set-up this way. It’s not like it heightens my fantasy game play by dropping a random middle reliever for a fresh-off-the-DL player. Could one of our more ridiculous commenters harass someone at 1-800-Yahoo-Dum?
Jayson Werth – 2-for-5, 1 run, 5 RBIs. He has more counting stats in the last two days (4 runs, 5 RBIs) than quite a few of my teams. Sad emoticon with an apostrophe tear.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and 1 steal. Meanwhile, Jordan Zimmermann went 3-for-3 with 2 runs. Elias Sports Bureau said that was the most hits in a game by players with the last name that started with Zimmerman since Bob Zimmerman played Guitar Hero.
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. After an early lead, JZ got complacent like when he was made the president of Def Jam and released Kingdom Come.
Yovani Gallardo – 3 IP, 8 ER. YoGa is actually very calming when he’s not on your team. He’s downright orgasmic on the person’s team who picked him up right after you dropped him who was also right in front of you in ERA.
Juan Francisco – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, and 4th homer this week. Doode’s out of his mind right now, and if you’re thinking about picking him up, one question: what are you waiting for? Him to cool off? Okay, that’s two questions. You know who Juan Francisco reminds me of? No, not your cousin Fred. I don’t even know your cousin Fred. He reminds me of Pedro from Pittsburgh. Juan’s a poor man’s Alvarez. I will call him Pauper Alvarez.
Rickie Weeks – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. See, he doesn’t need the recently-demoted Scooter breathing down his neck (except in cold movie theaters to warm him).
Sean Halton – 2-for-4, 1 run. JayWrong recently went over Halton, let’s go there, “The five year minor leaguer, Sean Halton looks to translate some of his power to the big leagues. He’s been old for the levels he’s played, but he’s also a very big man (6-5, 250) and could be a cheap source for power. Based on his minor league numbers, the high K% may not translate well to the big leagues, and combined with a low walk rate, contact might be Halton’s undoing. But if you have an open corner, he might be worth a look like my Khmelnytsky Uprising diorama.” Weird, I have a bumper sticker that says, “Cossacks might be anti- a lot of things, but not dioramas!”
Evan Longoria – Sat out yet another game due to his plantar fasciitis. Sounds like something that would sideline Tree Man.
Matt Moore – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Lastros. Put a wild pitcher against a team that is allergic to walks. You get this game with a bunch of sneezes and misses.
Ryan Roberts – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers (4 and 5). He said if he ever had a two-homer game he’d get another tattoo, but it’s gonna take a while since he has to laser one off to get another on.
Sam Fuld – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Fun fact! Sam Fuld once held up a poker game for five minutes, correcting someone on how to pronounce his last name while saying he wasn’t folding.
Sean Rodriguez – 4-for-6, 3 RBIs. He doesn’t play every day and has two homers on the year. Hey, when you yawn, say excuse me.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. I’ve been trying to get people to not drop Frazier for what feels like six weeks. I’m losing the battle, but I still hope Frazier goes on a crazy streak and ends the season with 30 homers and a .260 average. Still well within the realm of possibility, which outside the realm of Winterfell.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-3, 2 runs. From all of these hits, you’d think the Reds played a whole game yesterday. They didn’t; it was cut short by rain. That becomes more obvious when you see Bronson Arroyo threw a two-hitter in six innings. Whoa, Arroyo, get out of Jay Bruce’s blurb!
Ryan Hanigan – 2-for-2, 1 run. The never-before-seen Mr. Hanigan would’ve went 2-for-6 if he had a chance.
Ryan Vogelsong – Played catch yesterday, which was caught on tape, then Tom Bergeron introduced the clip on America’s Boringest Home Videos.
Brandon Belt – 1-for-1 with his 9th homer. Right after his homer, the rain came. Hey, he should go to the booty mart with Jose Fernandez.
Chris Parmelee – 2-for-3 and his 8th homer, his third homer in the last nine days. Chris Parm with a side of hot schmotato would make my Italian ancestors roll over in their grave, but it could be happening.
Josh Willingham – Will undergo an MRI on his knee. For full disclosure purposes — or porpoises if dolphins are reading — I dropped Willingham in a 12 team mixed league this weekend. I think it was while I was clearing house of my rookie pitchers, so he didn’t have to go home, but couldn’t stay on my team any longer.
Derek Jeter – Ran the bases yesterday. Officially, the first time this year, but his assistant had to send out six dozen gift baskets in June for him going 1st to home.
Robinson Cano – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs with two homers. Jackin’ Robinson!