“All this time, I had a dead possum on my head and I didn’t even realize it.” That was overheard recently by Selig. There should be a rule that anyone that can’t make the determination that their toupee is obvious to everyone should not be in any high-powered position. Rule number two: They should be able to hear. Or maybe he’s saying to an off-camera female reporter, “Where can I get one earring like that for this ear?” But since Selig can’t figure out the most-basic concepts, I’m going to break it down to him real simple as I did on yesterday’s Razzball TV on the Radio. How do people get excited about a particular day if no one knows when the hell that day is? Super Two status day is, um, well, no one has any idea! It changes for every player. A team could think they’re delaying it now and in two years realize they haven’t delayed it. Major League Baseball should say all rookies keep the extra year of eligibility if they stay down until May 31st. So this way everyone can focus on June 1st as the big day. Or make it June 5th. I don’t care, just make it one day so fans can get excited about a specific day. Like how there is a trading deadline. Any the hoo! For Jon Singleton, it’s irrelevant because the Astros gave him a contract and he will now be their starting 1st baseman. I already gave you my Singleton fantasy, it went like this, “Singleton was suspended for 50 games last year for smoking marijuana. Singleton wasn’t even tested until he kept forgetting the pitch count and called time out to grab some nachos. After his suspension, Singleton said, “I made an error in judgement. I should’ve cleansed by downing a 3-liter jug of cranberry juice rather than Nature’s Way Detox Tea. Damn you, Tommy Chong, for endorsing that inferior product!” Any self-respecting marijuana smoker will tell you that players aren’t suspended for DUIs but marijuana gets them… Then they trail off and their argument becomes less coherent and they’ll ask if they can borrow your Snuggie so they can take a nap. We should throw out his 2013 season. Who knows how long it took for him to return to form after his suspension. He’s still a prospect and only 22 years old. In 2012, Singleton hit 21 homers with 7 steals and a .284 average in 131 games. That’s more like what his minor league season should look like, and he does have 30-homer power, but won’t hit for a huge average. He strikes out too much. Singleton reminds me a lot of fellow Astro, Chris Carter. See, the truth is out there. Maybe Chris Carter and Jon Singleton can get together and make an X-Filez movie. Last year, Carter hit 29 homers and .223 with an insanely terrible 36.2% strikeout percentage. Singleton could do the same. More than likely, he won’t be quite that bad for average. Singleton could hit for the same amount of power and hit for a .260 average. Singleton will give you a line of 32/14/39/.258/4 and be up in June.” And that’s me quoting me! I’d grab him in every league for the chance for some sweet, sweet upside, and have already. Here’s hoping he can fill my giant gaping, Fielder-sized hole at 1st base. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Oh, forget Bobby Abreu, you got Bartolo Colon. Times are good! Shake up a bottle of Cold Duck and spray it in your face.
Wilmer Flores – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 1st homer. I grabbed him in one NL-Only league when he was called up, because I think his bat could play in the majors right now. So, of course, the Mets suddenly find newfound love for Ruben Tejada and have been benching Flores. The Mets don’t know what they have with Tejada? Sometimes I feel like the Mets management does decisions based on trying to get fired. Way to stunt a prospect’s growth! Effin’ schmohawks.
Cliff Lee – Hopes to throw this week. He better, don’t leave me dangling, Adverb.
Ben Revere – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting near-.300 in the last week with three steals. Revere’s screaming, “The SAGNOF is coming, the SAGNOF is coming.”
Alex Cobb – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. If this wasn’t a short schedule day, I wouldn’t even mention this start. Six innings, five Ks and three earned is about as whatevs as you get. And that’s how you talk about a start by saying you wouldn’t talk about it!
Kevin Gregg – The Marlins signed him. Hospitals are saying they plan to show at-bats between Kevin Gregg and Bobby Abreu to help ease coma patients back so they think they’ve only been asleep for a few minutes rather than years.
Randy Wolf – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Rays. Like chicken tikka masala in London, the takeaway from this game is you can start anyone vs. the Rays right now and you’re prolly in good shape.
Shelby Miller – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.06. His K-rate is 6.3 and his walk rate is 4.3. I told you not to draft him in the preseason. Now I’m telling you that you should think about dropping him. Want further proof? He gave up a homer to the Royals.
Yordano Ventura – Should be able to start on Thursday. Please, FBO, let him be healthy. Fantasy Baseball Overlord, “What will you do for me? Will you like my snarky comment on Facebook?”
Alex Gordon – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Must’ve paid for the Royals to hire Steve Balboni to come in and give the players some ‘long ball tips.’ *checking notes* Oh, that wasn’t Balboni, Billy Butler ate a rabbit and it’s tail was sticking out of his mouth, appearing to be a mustache.
Salvador Perez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .265 on the year. Before he was Sitting Shiva Perez, I did have some cuddle, nookie-nookie love for Perez. Still think he can be a top five catcher.
Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks. That would’ve been a nice stream, then I could’ve walked around my place singing, “I rock rough and tough with my Danny Duff.” Ted and I would’ve liked that. Ted’s my dog. He likes when I act a fool. Duffy has a 3.05 ERA, which is great, terrific, adjective, but his peripherals are a nightmare and I wouldn’t touch him.
Shane Victorino – Won’t return from the DL when eligible. I almost wrote his name as Shave Nictorino, which sounds like a comic book villain’s alias. “Careful, Peter Parker, I don’t trust that Shave Nictorino.”
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Uh-oh, he just bumped his homer pace on the year from 9.7 to 10.2.
John Lackey – 8 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, raising his ERA to 3.28. When you raise your ERA with a 8 IP, 3 ER game in June you get props. Assuming people still give props. Are props done? Who got the props? Black Moon?
Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Red Sox. So, you’re telling me it was a bad day to stream Brock Holt, A.J. Pierzynski, Jackie Bradley Jr., Grady Sizemore and Jonny Gomes? Thank you, hindsight, for making me feel crappy. Masterson has now thrown a gem, a rain shortened game and a 5 IP, 5 ER game in his last three. In other words, no one has any idea what he’s going to do next. Well, I’m sure the Stream-o-Nator will have some choice words for his next start in Arlington.
Michael Bourn – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th steal. Doode got old fast. Five steals? Grady Sizemore has five steals. P to the fft!
Cody Allen – 1 IP, 0 ER and his third straight save. He’s the unofficial official closer. Wouldn’t be surprised he stays like that for a while, just so the Indians can go to arbitration and be like, “Closer? Nah! We were in a committee like paprika in jerk seasoning.”
Joe Mauer – 3-for-5, 1 run. This game alone was worth a first round pick.
Brian Dozier – 2-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .235. Funny how the people in April who were like, “Dozier is going to go 40/40 this year” have evaporated. Maybe they teleported back to April.
Josh Willingham – 2-for-2, 1 RBI, hitting .310 on the year. That won’t continue over the long-term, but in the mean’s time, he does have three homers in the last week, and that isn’t an aberration.
Aramis Ramirez – Hopes to return on Wednesday. Aramis stinks! The cologne. The player is okay.
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 1 run. Kheep the dream alive!
Jonathon Lucroy – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Burp. He is hitting .325 though, and that’s less gaseous.
Ryan Zimmerman – Expected back today. That makes yesterday Christmas Eve and today you open the package that has been sitting under the DL slot for six weeks that turns out to be feety pajamas.
Chone Figgins – 1-for-4. Uh-oh. Dee Gordon is slumping and now the Dodgers are playing Figgy at 2nd base. That’s a, how do I say, not so good. Mike (Schmidt, I believe) just went over Gordon in his SAGNOF post, but he’s a bit more optimistic than I would be.
Jose Abreu – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Welcome back, The Grande Dolor! In related news, Frank Thomas was at the Vatican this past weekend praying to Jesus himself for Abreu to have a setback. No such luck, but it was the Vatican $5 Car Wash and Jesus is pronounced Hayzeus.
Jordy Mercer – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Jordy should be named Lawrence cause he hit that one all the way to Mercer County. Right, Jerseyans?! Hey, why did auto correct wanna make that ‘jerks land?’ Not cool!
Josh Harrison – 3-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI and he’s been scolding hot. Too bad you can’t stop the Polanco Shuffle! Which is like the Truffle Shuffle but with more Latin flavor.
Kyle Seager – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Whoa…Whoa…Whoa… Hold on a second. I don’t own Seager, so I’ve been prejudiced by comments here. Why are there so many people commenting like they are annoyed with Seager? He’s hitting .272, which would be his career high so I know that’s not the reason. He’s on pace for 25 homers, which would be a career high, so that can’t be the reason. I’m no doctor, but I just diagnosed some of y’all with ADHD.
Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the born-in-1927 Yankees. After the game, Hernandez was a gentlemen to stay late and sign autographs in the parking lot. Brian Cashman, disguised as a teenager, complete with zit cream dabbed on his face, snuck a contract in for Hernandez to autograph. F-Her will now be a Yankee for his age 38 season. “In 2027, you will be ours!!!” That was Cashman maniacally screaming at the moon.
Michael Saunders – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. He’s now hitting over-.350 in the last week with two homers in the last four games. Hot schmotato alert!
Carlos Beltran – His elbow felt good after an extended spring training game and says he can return this week. On a more serious note, who goes to see extended spring training? Is it all elderly people like who goes to see a movie in a second-run theater?
Mark Teixeira – Could return today. Weird, no balloons fell from my ceiling when I wrote that.
David Phelps – 6 IP, 6 ER. Whew, I was so close to streaming him in this start. Thank you, lily-livered constitution.
Yangervis Solarte – 2-for-4, 1 run and has seven hits in his last 15 at-bats with a homer. Looks like we might have gave up on him too soon last week. Honestly, I have no idea where this is coming from. His minor league stats don’t protend greatness, but he’s pretending it now. Play on words point!
Corey Dickerson – I meant to mention this the other day. The Rockies have been playing Cuddyer at third base, which has slid Dickerson into the lineup. I haven’t read anything about it staying that way, but it’s worth watching. By the way, Dickerson’s real first name is McKenzie. He has more in common with Bonnick Franklin than I thought.