Now that I’m married Jimmy Carter’s line, “I’ve looked on a lot of women with lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times.” Really stands out to me. I don’t necessarily want to think about Jimmy Carter in lust, or even contemplating lust. The thing he doesn’t say is if he wasn’t married, he’d be lusting too. Men are men, and Jimmy Carter is no different. Jimmy Carter is one tightly wound ball of lust, and probably hooked Clinton up with Lewinsky. Jimmy Carter is a pimp! If Jimmy Carter was president in the 2000’s, he probably would’ve had Outkast to the White House and would’ve been like, “What’s colder than our relations with the Middle East? Ice cold!” In that similar vein, I lust after rookie pitchers. They are so dang sexy prior to actually pitching in the major leagues. Jimmy Nelson is just another. I like him a lot, and glad to see Marco Estrada was replaced by him. From Nelson, could see a 9+ K/9 and a middling walk rate. Due to the walk rate, that has ballooned at times, he could be absolute death — like games of 5 IP, 6 ER death. He could also run over the NL with games of 6 IP, 8 Ks. I’d grab him in all leagues for the upside, but be wary of the downside. As Jimmy Carter also once said, “You can do what you have to do, and sometimes you can do it even better than you think you can. Speaking of can, that’s where I like to stick my peanuts. I said PEANUTS!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Homer Bailey – Left yesterday’s game with a slight knee strain. As the Rolling Stones once said, you don’t always get what you want, but you get what you need. You wanted Bailey to turn his season around, but what you needed was to drop Bailey. Kidding. Sorta. The Reds expect Bailey to make his next start, so you can’t even get what you need.
Brandon Phillips – Torn thumb ligament and will miss 6 weeks. Really unfortunate because his smile can light up an Afghani cave on a cold October night with a simple “shucks” and “aw…” Ramon Santiago will fill in at 2nd base for now, but there’s no toothpaste companies knocking down his door. Wanna hear something hilarious if you’re not a Reds fan? Their infield: Brayan Pena, Santiago, Cozart and Frazier. It’s like Frazier at 3B and the cast of Frasier at 1B, 2B, SS. They started the year with Cincinnati chili and are now fielding the aftereffects. If Frazier gets hurt, the Reds better hope Brandon Inge stayed in shape given all the partying he’s been doing with Johnny Manziel.
Ryan Ludwick – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Has done nothing in the last week and isn’t starting every day, so this would’ve been a nice batty call, but not much else.
Arismendy Alcantara – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, which I believe is more fantasy value than Darwin Barney provided in the last five years combined. *checking sources* Okay, my dog ate my sources or Darwin’s stats are a pile of dog sh*t. The Cubs made the right move and are keeping Arismendy with the club. You know a guy is terrible when he gets Pipp’d after one big game. Arismendy had 10 HRs and 21 steals in 89 games in Triple-A while rocking a .307 average. These numbers aren’t coming out of nowhere either. He had 15 homers and 31 steals the year before. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy, but he should be grabbed in every league now.
Yadier Molina – Will miss 8 to 12 weeks with a torn thumb ligament. Exact opposite thumb as Phillips. I’m sure the Reds and Cards GMs have already thought of this, but what about a thumb trade? I guess they’d still be one thumb down, which isn’t 3 Doors Down, but no less annoying. Tony Cruz is currently filling in for Molina, but the Molina brothers wouldn’t even let him buy the groceries for a Sunday Celebrate Momma Molina Dinner.
Kolten Wong – 1-for-2, 1 run and his 11th steal. Wong wants to win your league for you. Why won’t you let him?
Edinson Volquez – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Wanna have a good laugh? C’mon, let’s share a laugh together. Don’t be a dour-puss! C’mon! Okay, here it goes: Volquez’s ERA is 3.65 and more than a full run better than Verlander’s. Oh, I didn’t know you owned Verlander. Oops. Mea culpa.
Russell Martin – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. That one’s for Alyssa from Los Angeles.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 steals (14, 15). Weird how it seems like he never gets that crazy/sexy/cool at any point all year, yet he always gets his stats. The Dread Pirate is all about doling out the love on the long-term, said like Barry White.
Cliff Lee – Will return from the DL on July 19th, assuming he remembers to set an iCal alert. This is the stupidest thing. Why would I set a reminder and not want an alert? I’m gonna track down Ashton Kutcher as he impersonates Steve Jobs at Apple company functions and have a word with him.
Grady Sizemore – Phillies called him up. Looks like they’re ready for the stretch run! Assuming none of them have to stretch and/or run.
David Buchanan – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Buchanan sounds like a plantation owner…Uh-oh, I feel a rhyme coming on. Buchanan put away your WHIP, I see your xFIP, don’t want your usual three Ks, your great-great-great-greatgrandpappy thought slaves were treated with praise, the only frizzy you knew was frisee…lettuce wrap, hummus, chicken lemon tarra-I’m gone. Damn, that was some Kool Keith shizz right there.
Ryan Howard – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, now batting .228. I just thought of something. You know how the big-bellied really break down in their 30’s? What’s Billy Butler going to do? Give one homer all year with a .220 average? His career as a moob model better work out.
Conor Gillaspie – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer in as many games. Isn’t a Gillaspie the lizard Matthew Broderick was trying to save in that movie? No, not Godzilla! The movie with Marlon Brando, The Freshman. Any the hoo! Gillaspie is about as hot as they come right now. He doesn’t even need to start games to continue his home run streak.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. Had a perfect game through five innings, then things fell apart, but Quintana is still a solid back-end fantasy starter. Think Gee but with more Ks. So, I guess that makes him Geek.
Adam Eaton – 3-for-5, 1 run. Okay, this has nothing to do with Adam Eaton, but it’s killing me, so I am appealing to the collective brilliance of Razzball’s readers. No one on all of Google or Twitter has mentioned this, but I feel like I’m not mistaken. This has to be an ode, homage, something to its predecessor. Without further ado, please tell me I’m not the only that hears the similarities between this song and this song (they are cued up properly). The Asian girl is even driving a similar motorcycle!
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks. Damn, he’s been an unheralded beauty this year. I mean, not unheralded by me. I’ve touted him a bunch. His K-rate, walk rate are gorg and his ERA is 2.65. Sexy, hump, hump.
Tim Hudson – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER. You’d think the Regression Fairies would go easy on San Francisco.
Scott Kazmir – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.38. Well, of course, he can’t keep this up. His litany of past health issues alone would suggest a strong sell candidate. Obviously depends what you can get, but he hasn’t thrown more than 160 IP in a season since 2007.
Stephen Vogt – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .367. Rock the Vogt!
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Good to see that rumors weren’t true that he retired, moved to The Bahamas and is now renting waverunners.
Ian Desmond – Left the game after being hit on the hand by a pitch, but x-rays showed no break. Assuming they were looking at an x-ray and not a skeleton glove from The Karate Kid.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Someone in the comments lambasted me the other day for not being complimentary enough to Zimmerman. Saying he’s been doing well outside of power since he returned. Since Zimmerman’s returned, he’s hitting .248 with one homer in 133 at-bats. Okay, now I’m just assuming Zimmerman was the one commenting.
Steve Pearce – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer. Just another day in the offrce. That he drove to in his Caprce. Singing once, twrce, three times a lady.
Aaron Harang – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. The Harangutan made banana flambé of the Mets. Sliced, diced, torched with one of those crème brûlée torches and served with a dollop of flung feces. After the game, The Harangutan said, “Ooh ooh ooh eee eee eee aah aah aah.”
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Since I refuse to talk about Kinsler for fear I’m gonna jinx something, I will say a huge offensive outburst by a team (Tigers and Angels yesterday) mean less in the big picture to me. For instance, Eugenio Suarez (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) had a solid day yesterday, but it’s hard to tell if it’s him getting hot or if it’s just everyone hit yesterday against Royals pitching. Deep Thoughts with Grey Albright.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .335. From about June 15th until about mid-July has been owned by Martinez and Steve Pearce. Mayans, Jews, Gregorians all have their calendars. Now fantasy baseball has its own. June 15th until July 15th will forever be known in the history books as the month of Peartinez. Can’t believe it’s already Peartinez 11th. Time flies!
Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 17th steal. SAGNOF!
Billy Butler – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Scary that it took until Peartinez 10th before Butler had more homers than moobs.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Back-to-back games with a homer? I’m all aflutter!
Jered Weaver – Expected to start on Saturday. Or Peartinez 12th.
C.J. Wilson – Hit the DL with an ankle sprain. He has no reported problems with his Head & Shoulders.
Kole Calhoun – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 1 RBI. When I write his name, I hear the sweet, melodic voice of Corinne Bailey Rae. You’re just like a star across my sky, Kole.
David Freese – 0-for-5 as the Angels scored 15 runs. Ticker Tease!
Jake Smolinski – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .571 in four days since his call-up. Forget Jake, he’s from Quad-A town.
Carl Crawford – Activated from the DL, but Mattingly says he won’t be a starter anymore. Yesterday, the Dodgers went with Scott Van Slyke. Oh, snap! Not that long ago, Crawford questioned management about their use of him. Too bad no one questioned when management gave him a $20 million per year contract.
Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks. His scoreless streak was snapped at 41 innings by the Padres. Obviously had an off night. Better luck next time, Kershaw.
Chase Headley – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Hitting over .400 in the last week, and he will be in this afternoon’s Buy column. It’s a doozy to end all doozies!
Odrisamer Despaigne – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA now sits at 1.35 after four starts. Thankfully, Fidel’s in Cuba. This way he can get good cigars for when he wants to celebrate his fantasy team’s success.
Kyle Seager – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Seager’s obviously turning on the jets now that Skaggs is back. The AL West only has room for one classic rock God!
Michael Cuddyer – Reports are saying that the Rockies are planning on re-signing Cuddyer. Can someone intervene and save the Rockies from themselves? Quick, before it’s too late!
Jason Kipnis – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 2 more steals (12, 13). The person who owns him in your league is probably aware that he’s hot, so it makes buying low harder, but Kipnis has been on fire recently. Hitting around .350 in the last week with five steals in the last three games.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. He might have more 1-for-5 home run days than anyone in the history of ever.* *No actual research compiled for that stat because my intern put a sweaty glass on my Jose Canseco Sportflics rookie card and I had to fire him.
Chris Dickerson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .467 on the Indians (that’s 4 games). He didn’t make it in this afternoon’s Buy column because he’s been terrible for about seven years, but is worth a look in AL-Only leagues.
Zelous Wheeler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He hit a homer ten games ago, and he’s been hitting near-.200 in the last week. Just trying to quell your Zelous-ness.
Masahiro Tanaka – Has a partially torn UCL, which is a precursor to Tommy John surgery. Usual time between being diagnosed with a partially torn UCL and actual surgery depends on how delusional the team wants to be. The Yankees? Well, they sound pretty delusional, saying after six weeks Tanaka could be good as new. I’d venture a guess that after three weeks he’ll be headed for season-sending surgery, give or take two days. Anyone want to place bets?
Carlos Beltran – Hit the 7-day concussion DL. Due to a batting practice mishap, he was struck in the face, and has facial fractures. Jon Niese should pay for his reconstruction surgery. An eye for a nose!