To misquote Lucinda Williams, “You don’t have to prove your manhood to me constantly, Jim Johnson.” Maybe prove it once in a while. Maybe once in a blue moon with a slice of orange to tie in your uniform. Yesterday, he blew his third save in a row and his league-leading ninth. As the Orioles vie for a pennant spot, the boo birds are probably out in full force in Baltimore. Or for the big-boned fans in Baltimore, the Boog birds. If it was simply based on performance or the will of my piercing brown eyes, Johnson would be doing mop duty dressed as a pelican and every time someone made a mess they’d point to Johnson and say, “I can’t clean it up, but Peli-can.” The Orioles really should give him a rest and turn it over to Francisco Rodriguez or Tommy Hunter. For those of you hoping to vulture some sweet, sweet saves, it’s not a clear cut case of Johnson about to be removed, Lorena Bobbit-style. He’s built up some goodwill over the last twelve months with 51 saves last year and 39 saves now. Also, the O’s are Confucius non gratis as to who is their set-up man. K-Rod, his goggles and his dyslexic dor-K lifestyle has plenty of experience, but the O’s have gone to Hunter to save a few games this year. I grabbed K-Rod in one league where I’m desperate, but this is a shituation that maybe even Peli-can’t handle. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Miguel Tejada – The Royals moved him to the 60-day DL. I wouldn’t be surprised if in ten years someone opens a storage locker and finds Tejada.
Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-2 with his 19th steal, his third steal in the last four games. What’s a fourteen letter phrase for SAGNOF? He went to Jarrod.
Mike Moustakas – Out until this weekend after being spotted in a walking boot. Too bad it wasn’t a spotted boot with him being released into a leopard cage.
Justin Ruggiano – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and 1 caught stealing. Damn, his Italian ancestors frown on that. He better not snitch.
Logan Morrison – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs. I wonder what Logan Morrison would do for a living if the Marlins weren’t around to employ him. *wavy lines* Here I am standing in a Carl’s Jr. in an alternate universe. Lifting a hamburger bun, I reveal a hashtag carved into my burger. I found Logan if there were no Marlins!
Jacob Turner – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (6 BBs), zero Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.89, and raising his xFIP to ugly. His numbers look similar to Travis Wood, which is to say he shouldn’t have this low of an ERA and I don’t trust him, but no one knows when the Regression Fairies are going to show up, all bedazzled and shizz.
Emilio Bonifacio – Traded to the Royals for cash and a player to be named later. “I, Dayton Moore, name Steve Balboni.” Bonifacio should take over the 2nd base job in KC, assuming Butler doesn’t accidentally pour BBQ sauce on his head and eat him. “I, Billy Butler, think you look succulent.” So, Bonifacio could have some value with an everyday job, but I’d like to see him hit first, since he’s now batting .218 with only 12 steals. I, Grey Albright, am not picking him up yet.
Colby Rasmus – Hit the DL with a strained oblique. He’ll be fine in two weeks; Colby’s a Survivor!
Rajai Davis – 3-for-5, 2 runs. The trade of Emilio and DL’ing of Rasmus should mean Rajai, the King of SAGNOF, has an everyday job for at least two weeks. I’ve owned him for a few days, and I don’t care if he starts every day or pinch runs. Doesn’t matter to me. Just steal bases.
Clay Buchholz – Threw 50 pitches in the bullpen and could return in early September. Here’s hoping since I just traded Chris Perez for him, which may have been my worst trade ever, but I was trying to reallocate saves, and get some innings in a deep league.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, and first one since July 24th. I’ll make an over-the-internet bet with you for $3 of FAAB that you can’t collect (my attorney asked that I specify). Napoli will finish the year with 24 homers. It’s what he does every year plus or minus three homers.
Manny Machado – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. The strange case of Manny Machado: I traded him in the only league I owned him, which is the death blow for my love usually — again, with emphasis — USUALLY, but I still really like Machado and hope he’s successful. I feel like his career counselor.
Brian Roberts – 3-for-6, 1 run and hitting .500 in the last four games. Here’s me the last few days. Wake up, scratch myself, step in front of a mirror and say, “Today, I will be the best mustachioed man I can be, and not talk about Brian Roberts.” I’ve managed to succeed for the last three days on both accounts. Today, I failed on the Roberts front.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Yesterday, I said he was getting hot, and now the second verse, same as the first.
Desmond Jennings – Aims to return Monday. Can’t believe he still uses AOL Instant Messenger.
Matt Moore – Won’t return this weekend because his elbow feels “good but not great.” That’s gonna make it hard for Metacritic to give his arm a number grade.
David Price – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Ugh. Against the Mariners? With The Harangtuan pitching? Why do you stress me, Fantasy Baseball Overlord? WHY?!
Wil Myers – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. That brings him up to the 2014 draft slot of 117. Three more homers to get him into the 90’s.
Danny Farquhar – 0 IP, 2 ER and his third blown save (first since he took over the closer job). Lord Farquhar, you’ve been Shrek’d! I got some hateful sneers when I wasn’t fawning over Lord Farquhar when he got the closer job. People said I wasn’t excited enough. You, people. He’ll keep the job for now, but another blown save like this and he might not be long for the job, especially with Medina rocking a 2.52 ERA and Farquhar a 5.17 ERA.
Jered Weaver – 5 IP, 9 ER. The Regression Fairies love to go for tea with their lady friends, they know every Lady Gaga song by heart but really love ‘Born This Way,’ and they will ruin your ERA with a quick flip of their wrist.
Ivan Nova – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, 2.99 ERA. Nope, he’s not quite this good, but I’d continue to ride him, in the non-sexual way.
Alfonso Soriano – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 7 RBIs and two homers (23, 24). Now two huge days in a row for Soriano after going deep twice on Tuesday. The vibe in the Yankees clubhouse must be agreeing with him. Just a bunch of vets reminiscing about where they were when Kennedy was shot, teaching each other about how to enlarge the text on their iPhones and talking about the lastest episode of 60 Minutes.
Robinson Cano – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. He came out of the game early because Girardi doesn’t own him in fantasy like I do and doesn’t need him to go 5-for-5. Dah! There should be a glossary term for when a big hitter comes out of the game early in blow outs. Please suggest in the comments. Thanks!
Tim Lincecum – 6 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. He must’ve stayed at the Holiday Inn Express last night (with Samardzija and Homer Bailey). Pick a direction you want your ratios to go, and stick with it!
Brandon Belt – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. If he can inch his nose above 20 homers on the year, we’re gonna have a full-blown sleeper for next year. Not the good kind though. The kind that every site touts and ends up pushing his price way too high. For some reason, if Belt ends the season at 19 homers, psychologically, he won’t seem as appealing and no one will mention him.
Pablo Sandoval – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. About time he traded in his toothpick for a real bat. *checking replays* Oh, that wasn’t a toothpick, it just looked that way next to him. Sandoval has been a huge disappointment this year, but hopefully this is a sign he’s going to finish the season well. I’ll believe = I’ll see it.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.02, upping his record to 14-6. That’s twice as many wins as the next nearest Nats starter (Gio & Haren) and eight more wins than Strasburg. Put wins in one hand and luck in the other and you have two empty hands. See what I mean? That shizz is philosophical.
Bronson Arroyo – 7 IP, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks in Wrigley. The wind must’ve been blowing in. If it was blowing out, his 83 MPH fastball would’ve fell 20 feet short of the plate. I feel like Arroyo gets a game like this every couple of weeks, and, since his ERA is down to 3.35, it might even be more often than that, but I still think if you own Bronson you have a Death Wish.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. For next year at least, I still think there’s something to Frazier, but I might be in de Niles.
Chris Rusin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. After the game, the Cubs put Rusin back in their electrical outlet to be removed next time they need a poison pill.
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks, as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post. Oh, Porcello, you have so much promise, but you put up these starts that are so yawnstipating. He’s still been better than he has in past years, but I want more like Veruca Salt.
Omar Infante – 2-for-4 and 5-for-9 in the last two games after returning from the DL on Monday. Big Baby Infante isn’t going to win you any leagues, but if you’re desperate for a hot average bat, I could see grabbing him.
Gordon Beckham – 3-for-4, hitting .308 on the year, but he has 3 homers and 5 steals. He’s a relatively decent source of average and runs while at the top of the lineup, which is to say, before you pick him up, set your alarm clock for every time you look at him on your team.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-5, 1 RBI, and four for his last nine. I’d absolutely grab him for some upside, and, just think, you can scream out his name like you’re singing Awolnation.
Wilin Rosario – Sat out yesterday with a flared-up hammy. Kermit suffers from the same problem.
Corey Dickerson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs as he hits in the three hole behind LeMahieu. Appropriately enough, that means DJ’s setting up for a CD.
Dexter Fowler – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th steal. Between Dyson and Fowler, SAGNOF this week is like playing a game of chicken.
Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.22. If you owned Chacin and dlR instead of Verlander and CC, you’d be doing better. Sorry, I know that hurts.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-5, 3 runs and his 14th homer. On our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, he’s the 8th ranked catcher, having about the same value as Jason Castro, and just off Joe Mauer, which is relatively uninteresting, but at the top of the catchers right now? Wilin Rosario, above Posey. The same Wilin Rosario that I swear to you some people have asked about dropping.
Joe Mauer – 5-for-7, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. See about 1/8th of an inch above for my thoughts on catchers, i.e., even the good ones are far from interesting.
Jeremy Hefner – Out with a partially torn MCL, which was a much better year for Louis VII.
Marlon Byrd – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. Looked like he was cooling, but in the bigger picture he has 18 homers and a .286 average on the year, who do you have that you desperately need to pick up to replace him?
LaTroy Hawkins – 1 IP, 2 ER as he blew the save. Oh, boy. The Cuddle Boy has emerged. Damn, couldn’t he get through another month plus as the closer? Well, he answered that question. I’d hold Hawkins for now, but the Mets might go to Aardsma next.
Coco Crisp – Sat out again with his wrist bothering him. I’m going to call the A’s liars for saying day-to-day. Can we start using day-to-week? Day-to-four-day-weeekend? Day-to-maybe-Friday?
Jarrod Parker – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros. Somewhere in the ‘vs. Astros’ lies what I think of this start by Parker.
Jarred Cosart – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. Okay, so let me guess, 25 years ago the most popular name in the country was any form of Jarod. Cosart has a 1.15 ERA and is definitely on my radar for next year. For this year, you need to go start by start at this point, and he goes to Arlington next which I wouldn’t mess with.
Josh Fields – Got the save yesterday, which proves the Asstros have no idea who their closer is, which proves proves that you shouldn’t chase saves here unless you’re really desperate, which proves proves proves…Wait, there’s no three proves.
Juan Francisco – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers. This was his second and third homer in the last week and has been hitting over .300 in that time. Can’t have enough starches, so let’s add a hot schmotato to this Juan Francisco treat.
Tyler Thornburg – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks in Arlington. Damn, came so close to streaming him for this start, but didn’t. Don’t worry, according to the Stream-o-Nator, I’ll get another chance to chicken out of starting him his next time out vs. the Cardinals.
Alexi Ogando – Dealing with shoulder problems. Make him Alexi Odropo.
Oscar Taveras – Out with season-ending surgery on his ankle. Or as Variety would report, ‘Taveras Ankled.’
Garrett Jones – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer. Out of curiosity, I looked up to see what kind of hard-on the Hitter-Tron has for Jones, and he’s crazy about him for Friday. If Hitter-Tron only knew we used to call him Robot Jones.
Francisco Liriano – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.68. I can see it now. This offseason the Pirates are going to be taking on all Twins’ reclamation projects: Morneau, Johan, Olsen Twins.
Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 4 Ks. I’m surprised by his control even if this was against the Phils. He’s still not the ace he could be as early as next year after a full offseason of training, but better than I expected him to be at this point. (Think 2012 Wainwright vs. this year, which would be a cool Terminator-type twist on the season.)
Jason Heyward – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 11th homer. Member what I said like 1500 words ago about Machado? Heyward’s the opposite. I own him and kinda hate him. Still would like to see him salvage this season. Get to 20 homers, you schmohawk!
Domonic Brown – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. Has cooled off, but you didn’t need to be a rocket surgeon to figure he would. He’s not a 10+ homer per month guy. Still has maintained the bulk of his production, which is Dom-o-nic!
John Lannan – After giving up five runs in 1 1/3 IP, he left yesterday’s start with a knee injury. He hurt it taking a knee.
Delmon Young – The news said the Phillies officially released him. This kinda cracked me up. It’s like they weren’t playing him for a while, then they started booking him on a separate flights for road games, then they started telling him they were going to Denny’s after the game but went to a distant diner outside of the city, then, unable to lose him, they officially released him.
Darin Ruf – 1-for-4 with his 7th homer, his 4th homer in the last nine games. That’s in only 110 ABs. Prorate that over 500 ABs and the Phils should see if they can find someone to take Ryan Howard off their hands. Yeah, right; he’s owed like $140 million. Wait a second, anyone have Arte Moreno’s phone number?