Derek Jeter screams “Ankle!” Yanks scream “Uncle!” Well, you know you can’t spell “My ankle” without Minka Kelly. She couldn’t stop at just Jason Street, could she? Minka used to love his enlarged pro stats. Oh, well, let the haters hate, right, Minka? I hear ya, girl. A’la Clubber Lang, “Let me know if you want a real, mustachioed man!” On a funny somewhat related story, about a year ago I was at Kennedy Airport, right in front of me in line at Starbucks was Minka Kelly. I couldn’t care less about the Yankees, but I know what part to play in what situations to be the most obnoxious. So, with my best heavy New York accent, I said, “You better not break Jeter’s heart like you did to Jason Street.” She looked like she wanted to blow a rape whistle. So, it was announced Pasta Diving Jeter would not be returning until after the All-Star Break. If you draft guys based on the “I’d Do Him” scale, you just got screwed, so this is bittersweet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Edward Mujica – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks and his first save. Mujica tov! The Cardinals have a closer! Pour some boxed wine in my chalice, wrap your arm around my arm and let’s awkwardly toast to Mujica’s first save. Here, you go under my arm… No, your other under. Don’t spill wine on my carpet, that ain’t Stainmaster’d! Geez, this toast is taking about as long as it took for the Cards to realize Boggs was toast.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, but left the start screaming this. He should be fine and his stats look F-I-N-E. 1.69 ERA and a 0.53 WHIP through 26 2/3 IP. I’d like to put some of that Hisashi in my dashi and slurp. That’s not weird, is it?
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3 as he returned to the lineup. The Get Well cards that I handed him after popping out of a cake in the Marlins clubhouse must’ve worked! Talk about embarassing though when I asked him to lick the icing off my foot! Of course, I should’ve asked him to get the icing off another body part. I’m such a goof!
Adeiny Hechavarria – To the DL with a bruised elbow. The good news, I don’t have to spell his godforsaken name for a while.
Jose Fernandez – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. After the first time through the order, he had 3 Ks and only one baserunner: a walk to Votto. At that point, I was regretting not starting him and thinking about how no one may ever score on him ever, then Choo singled in his 2nd at-bat and Jo-Fer looked vincible. It was a tough opponent, and I’m not too worried; he gets the Twins next.
Tony Cingrani – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. Sky IM’d me, “Fernandez vs. Cingrani: Moist.” I don’t know what that means, and I didn’t open the link he sent me from Ebony-And-I-Very-Horny dot com. Cingrani’s line obviously looks much better than Jo-Fer’s, but he looked more hittable. He just had the good fortune of going against the MIA Marlins. I would absolutely hold onto Cingrani, but would expect starts closer to 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 Ks, than the one he threw yesterday.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-3, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs with his 5th homer. Seriously, who told you to draft this guy in every league? Who? Or is it whom? Whatever, it was me, snitches!
Brett Wallace – The Astros sent him down after he managed one hit in his first 24 ABs. “This team is built to win right away,” said Astros manager, Bo Porter. “If he wants to stay in the lineup, we need at least 3 hits every 24 ABs.”
Jackie Bradley Jr. – Sent back to the minors. But he got 3 walks in a game 17 days ago!
David Ortiz – Says he should be be ready to go on Friday. Hopefully now those stupid Drake lyrics stop haunting me.
John Lackey – Could make a minor league start on Monday. Minor league players seen kissing up to him and acting like his personal servant will have a ready-made nickname. (That last sentence sounds like a clue when playing the game, Taboo.)
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Damn, I should’ve believed in the bounce back. Oh, well, now I won’t mention Lester again for the rest of the year.
Andrew Bailey – 1 IP, 0 ER and no baserunners as he converted the save easily. The Red Sox equipment manager will be happy to not have to worry about how many anananananananan’s there are in Hanrahanananananananananan since he’ll be out of the spotlight.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs as Rudy did his Rizzo homer chant, “H to the Homer, R to the Rizzo.”
Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-5 with his 1st homer. Probably the best 67-year-old outfielder in the majors. I said, outfielder, so don’t tell me Miguel Tejada.
Welington Castillo – 4-for-4, 1 run. Earth to Cubs, only sign players whose last names end in an O. Welington is now batting .425 through 40 ABs with a homer and steal. Probably won’t hit above .260 on the year, or even by June, but definitely worth a flyer for a hot bat. I once had a hot bat, rubbed on a little ointment and gone.
Carlos Marmol – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks in the 9th inning with a 4-run lead. It’s a step in the right direction. BTW, Pitchtrax after a Marmol outing looks like a Lite-Brite done by a 2-year-old.
Carlos Villanueva – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. I’d say he’s gonna be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell but he won’t. He’s here now. He was also in last week’s Buy/Sell. Don’t make me go back there! Fine, but just for that, I’m gonna go all the way back to what I said in the rankings, “Doesn’t he sound like a sheriff in a telenovela? Sheriff Chuck Newtown, as the gringos would say, has never thrown more than 125 1/3 IP in a season and he’s 29 years old, so upside here is tenuous at best and non-existent at worst. He’s always excelled better in relief (4.80 ERA vs. 3.76 ERA; starting vs. relieving), and has never possessed an overpowering fastball. Due to a league change and the K-rate he put up last year (8.76), I’m willing to throw a flyer his way.” And that’s me quoting me!
John Lannan – Hits the Disgraceful List. There should be a Dis Grace Slick List with all the women over 70 that are sexy. What? I have a Cougar problem.
Josh Rutledge – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 1 RBI with his 2nd home run. He’s a low walk guy, as I pointed out repeatedly in the preseason, so when he struggles, you’re gonna feel it. Right now, he’s on pace for 22 homers and 43 steals. What the effin’ eff do you want from him? Seriously? Do you need him to cook you and your woman dinner? Wash the ol’ undercarriage? Just put him in your lineup and let him be.
Dexter Fowler – 1-for-5, 3 runs and his 7th homer. Strong Bean!
Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th home run. He was plunked hard on the elbow on Tuesday, so today’s game provided his owners with a sigh of relief. BTW, my mechanic’s name is Sigh. That makes for good comic relief when he screws something up. “What happened to your radio?” “Went for an oil change and when I picked it up, the radio was busted… Sigh…”
Eric Young Jr. – 3-for-5 as he hit lead off for the third game in a row. I’m like Henry Hill when Joe Pesci is about to pounce, waving my hands, “That’s it! I give up!” I’m in on Young. No way am I missing out on a guy that I’ve been touting for four (stutterer!) years.
Travis d’Arnaud – Fractured his big toe. But that little piggy is supposed to go have roast beef and the pinkie toe is supposed to wee-wee-wee all the way home. It’s the pinkie toe! d’Arnaud now has a walking boot, which is harder to pimp out than a cast. “Yo, check out my pimped out walking boot?!” Yeah, that doesn’t happen. “I got rhinestones on every one of my tizz-oes!” Nope, you just don’t hear that. For the foreseeable future, it’s all John Buck in NYM.
Lucas Duda – Out with lower back tightness. Duda said the pain just came out of nowhere. Sounds like Lucas is dealing with a phantom menace.
Jon Niese – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks as he went in Coors. Such a quandary fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) face when they have a pitcher they like but bench him for one match-up. Do you want him to get hit? Do you want him to pitch well? What’s the ideal line here? 6 IP, 3 ER, 3 Ks and a no decision? 6 IP, 3 ER, 3 Ks, a no decision and he beams Carlos Quentin in the head?
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 12 Ks. Day late for the Dozens, Just-Verl, but we’ll give you your shot. “Your mama let you stay on the mound for 126 pitches, then when she came out to remove you, she reeked of cigarettes!” Um, okay, Justin, maybe you leave the Dozens to Scherzer and F-Her. “Your momma is Kate Upton and I’m having sex with her!” Now, you’re doing the Dozens!
Matt Cain – 6 IP, 7 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was pitchslapped by Gallardo. He’s now given up 5 homers in his last two starts. That’s what you get for all of those years FIP’ing off the Fangraphs Database.
Brandon Crawford – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd homer in the last three games. He will be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. You can hardly wait. No, you!
Mike Fiers – Optioned to Triple-A. Maybe he can figure out what happened to his promising career and the other half of his first name.
Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. That’s all you needed? A DUI? Fine, I’ll buy the next round, an Oculus Rift headset and throw in some Gran Turismo 5. Here at Razzball, we fantasy baseball responsibly.
Ryan Braun – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, and his third home run, which came on the same day AJ Mass said to bench Braun. Maybe AJ Mass can tell everyone to bench Mike Moustakas. Wait, he can’t even spell Moustakas. Damn!
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA is at 4.50 on the year. I’m sorry if you went against my wishes and drafted him this year, but I really want to see him fail miserably.
Dayan Viciedo – Strained his oblique. Dayan? Dayum! This would open up a slot for Jordan Danks, who hits about as well as his brother, John. Danks, but no Danks!
Julio Teheran – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Eh, not all sleepers work out. In most mixed leagues, I’d send Teheran back to where he came from, which I believe is Iran.
B.J. Upton – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, but never one to miss a chance to make his older brother look bad, Justin went yard for the 9th time. I just hope they can work things out in time for Mother’s Day. No reason Madge Upton needs to pay for this sibling rivalry.
Chris Johnson – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Can someone tape Freeman’s mouth shut, put him in a gorilla suit and send him to Africa?
Evan Gattis – Hit his 5th homer. Only downside to Gattis’s great feel-good story is we’re gonna get an ESPN movie about him starring one of the guys from American Pie. I’m guessing Chris Klein, but it could be any of them.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer, as he bats .104. Hopefully that’s the Kickstart he needs, but I wouldn’t invest too much.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-5, homer. 33 more. That is all.
Desmond Jennings – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I need one of the Wonder Twins, doesn’t matter which one, I’ll take the dude in powdered purple spandex, and I need him to pound his fist with Desmond Jennings and to turn Jennings into a young Carl Crawford.
Nolan Reimold – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Of course he hit a homer. I just dropped him. *sticks head in oven– Wait, I’ll just pick him up again!
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer, and The Gregorius D.I.D. did what he came to do. Damn, I just dropped him when I heard he wasn’t going to play every day. Okay, let’s face it, there’s very few players I haven’t just picked up and dropped.
Patrick Corbin – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, and really deserved the win, but Putz let down his team. Former pitching coach, Dick Pole would’ve straightened that Putz out. Corbin is now stellar through three starts (19 1/3 IP, 1.40 ERA, 1.09 WHIP, 13 Ks). He looked like a 7 K/9 guy last year, but until this start, Ks weren’t there at all. His velocity has been up, along with his wildness. Frankly, he doesn’t look anything like the pitcher he was last year and don’t call me Frank Lee. If Corbin can move his walks back to a low two like last year with the increased velocity, he could surprise this year. I’d wait and see in most leagues, but if your league is deeper, you need to wait and see after picking him up and putting him on your bench.
Alexi Ogando – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Cubs, which came after he shutdown the Mariners and hapless Rays. Geez, by the time he gets the 24th best offensive team, the Indians, he’s gonna give up 7 earned in a third of an inning.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4 with his 5th home run as he hits .309. Or if you put it through a Sean Connery translator, “Ee-yan, you’re the man now, dog.”
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, but left the game early with back and neck stiffness. A completely humorless team representative takes the podium. “Yesterday, we had to pull Dickey because of stiffness…. What? Why is everyone laughing? Dickey’s balls looked flat, stretched and kept hanging low… What? See, when he takes his balls, he knuckles them and then shuffles his arm forward and backward, forward and backward… Knuckles then shuffles… What?”
Luke Scott – Said he had his best day of running. That’s like hearing Lohan say she had her best day of sobriety.