Jesus Montero was sent down and the Mariners called up Jesus Sucre. Jesus for Jesus was the original name of Jews for Jesus when it only had one member. The only thing that I pray is that my Brayan Pena don’t fail me now…Jesus sucks! And I don’t think there is nothing Montero can do now to right my wrongs…Jesus Sucks! I want to talk to Yan Gomes, but I’m afraid because we ain’t spoke in so long…Jesus Sucks! To the SAGNOF hustlers, worm burners, lefty murderers, HGH drug dealers especially A-Rod’s cousin… Jesus Sucks for them! To victims of Ron Popeil ‘Set it and Forget It’ catcher management style for we living in hell here hell yeah, Jesus Sucks for them! I.e., good riddance, Montero. With Easter passed, I have no idea when Jesus will be back, but I’d drop him in all leagues. Shoppach will take over full-time now, but this should put Mike Zunino firmly on your radars. On the most recent prospect power rankings, Zunino was honorably mentioned. Last time Scott, our prospect writer, really hooked his chompers into Zunino, he said this, “Zunino will likely surface in Seattle at some point in 2013, but his fantasy value, once up, is tough to gauge. His tools profile suggests he’ll eventually develop into a very nice big league catcher, and one you’ll want in fantasy leagues. But most people around baseball don’t see the Travis D’Arnaud/Jesus Montero/Devin Mesoraco-type ceiling with Zunino. Then again, he’s surpassed expectations at every stop thus far, and it’s within reason to think he could continue to do so at the highest level. A real overachiever, like our very own Grey.” Hey, thanks! A word about that quote. (Actually a few words.) Jesus Montero is mentioned in there, and that’s not a goof by Scott, this just shows you what catcher prospects look like when they come up. Catchers tend to take a while to develop because they’re learning defense as much as offense. They can’t just hit, they need to play defense. Well, except for Mike Piazza. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Adam Eaton – An MRI showed no structural damage on his elbow, but he can’t throw a baseball for 2-3 weeks. Unfortunately, it’s the next two to three weeks and not two to three weeks in, say, November. You can continue to stash Eaton like you’re living in a 1950’s fallout shelter, but he’s probably at least a month away, and his rest of the season projections on his player page aren’t all the favorable.
Ike Davis – The Mets said they might demote him next week. Potentially playing into their decision is the Mets have a special weekend celebration planned with an Ike Davis Bobblehead giveaway to the first 1000 fantasy baseballers who had him defecate on their team.
Zack Wheeler – A high ranking Mets official, who we’ll just call Gustav Klimet, said Wheeler will be up around June 6th. Can I nap until then? Lay me down to sleep, I pray Zack Wheeler my fantasy savior to keep. Because it was a short day yesterday, let’s live with me for a second. I have Greinke, Gallardo, David Price, Peavy, Odorizzi and Wheeler. After the Marlins start, I will drop Odorizzi and go to another streamer vs. the Marlins. But how fantastic can my pitching be from June until October? The best fantasy staff that’s ever been born from a fantasy womb? P to the erhaps. More likely, Greinke’s collarbone didn’t properly heal resulting in a setback, Price never comes back fully and Peavy gets hurt. Fantasy Baseball: When Reality Isn’t Stressful Enough.
Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and 2 steals. Let’s go in our Wayback Machine. *wavy lines, bell-bottomed pants* Whoa, too far! Oh, wait, those are bell bottoms on a present-day Prince. Okay, so about a week ago, I said McCutchen went on his torrid hot streak last year around this same time. In the last week, he’s hit 2 homers and over .400 with 5 steals. Yup.
Travis Snider – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. He was a part-time player up until this week, but he’s started playing ever since the Hitter-Tron said it liked him. What does that horny robot know that we don’t? Hitter-Tron, “I know what should really be stuck into electric outlets.”
Edwin Jackson – 3 IP, 4 ER but was pulled after the game went into a rain delay. I had a whole thing planned if Edwin pitched a good game. About how he’s the highest ranked player on the rest of the season Player Rater with the lowest percentage owned (yes, that Player Rater predicts how players will do vs. what they have done). How Edwin’s been far better than his 6.11 ERA indicates. How he’s just been hellaciously unlucky. But now I won’t be able to use any of that. *walks away whistling*
Starlin Castro – 2-for-4, which is fine, but he was going against Michael McKenry, who gives out extra bases like a mismanaged prostitute. Castro needs to adopt a capitalist perspective and take what’s his.
J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer as he says no soup for you Gausman streamers! That’s not nice, Arencibia, and your first two initials make it seem like you’d be Just Peachy.
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, a grand slam. Edwinning.
Brandon Morrow – 7 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks. On one hand, he probably stayed in an inning too long because he gave up two homers without getting any outs in the 8th. On the other hand, he only threw 98 pitches; he should be able to throw more than that with a cushy lead and not give up homers. On a third hand, who has a third hand? Freak!
Kevin Gausman – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. His stuff looked legit, clocking out at 99 MPH. You should’ve seen some of the hitters’ faces when they saw that passing *pinkie to mouth* Gaus. In the end, his girlfriend was in the front row and he got nervous. Same thing happened when I was going for the New Jersey State Checker Championship in the 9th grade. King me, snitches! Ah, glory days. Any the hoo! I’d continue to roll with Gausman as long as he stays in the rotation. If anyone got cold feet because of yesterday and dropped him, I’d pick him up. Cold feet are for the sockless! That’s my rallying cry.
Manny Machado – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and three doubles. Sometimes, I’ll sit by my window, staring at the moon, thinking of Machado, wondering if Machado is staring at the same moon thinking of me.
Chris Davis – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. Yeah, but he lowered his season average two points!
Nate McLouth – 2-for-5 and his 15th steal. Can I go back in time and not draft Desmond Jennings and just draft McLouth in the last round? Oops, that wasn’t meant for you, that was meant for my genie, Larry.
Chase Utley – Placed on the DL with an oblique strain. The Phillies sound similarly oblique with his timetable for return at 2 to 4 weeks.
Michael Pineda – Went five innings in an extended Spring Training game. Extended Spring Training has foot-long hot dogs and very tall people (anyone over six-foot is tall to me; my picture is actual size). Pineda was hitting 93 MPH and said he felt great. Isn’t that what everyone says? The moment a pitcher says they don’t feel great, they need Tommy John surgery. You can stash Pineda, but he’s probably not back until mid-July, and a lot can happen between then and now. Oh, and that Montero for Pineda trade between the Mariners and Yankees? 18 months later, still a push!
Mark Teixeira – Will start a rehab assignment on Tuesday. The Yankees have Jeter, Youk, A-Rod and Tex all hoping to return soon. 2004 can’t get here soon enough!
Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 2 runs and he declared himself The King of Slam & Legses with his 10th homer and 10th steal. And when he said “legses” it didn’t sound weird.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Yup, never had any doubt in my mind about him. Okay, a smidge.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. You know when you finally trust hm next year he’s gonna fail you. You know this, right?
Ernesto Frieri – 2/3 IP, 2 ER as he was the Escape Goat, but he’s given up a run in his last three appearances and The Sciosciapath barely waited until the bags were warm with Royals yesterday before yanking Frieri from the game. Madson is optimistically looking at July for a return and Frieri looks like he might be a Cuddle Boy. Coello got the save yesterday. His numbers so far on the Angels have been a thing of beauty (7 1/3 IP, 12 Ks, 0.00 ERA, 0.27 WHIP), but he’s shown some wildness in the minors. He throws a forkball-knuckler hybrid that is as hard to hit as it is to control. He was the closer in Triple-A, and, well, The Sciosciapath has done crazier things.
Will Middlebrooks – Left yesterday’s game with lower back spasms. Spasms is such an ugly word. How about lower back person, either male or female, who can be over-dramatic, moody, weird, quirky, flamboyant, annoying, suggestive, passionate or socially awkward? Isn’t that better?
Ryan Dempster – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA is up to 4.69. Oh, Big Biscuit, what has thee wrought?
Daniel Nava – 2-for-2, 1 run, hitting near .300 in the last week and has more counting stats (25 runs, 29 RBIs) than you can shake a stick at. On our Player Rater, he’s currently in front of guys owned in a lot more leagues than him. Some guys he’s in front of are Allen Craig, De Aza, Jennings, Zobrist, Ellsbury, should I stop?, Gardner, seriously just say when, Torii Hunter, or you can say whoa, Lorenzo Cain, Markakis, or just stop reading, Austin Jackson, I might be here a while, Cespedes, okay I’m done.
David Ortiz – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. He said this f**king homer is for Boston. (BTW, take “this f**king homer is for Boston,” remove the asterisks, put in the letters and put that phrase in the Twitter search box. I have no idea why either. Must be a B-side on one of his early albums.)
Zach McAllister – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, 2.89 ERA on the year. The Regression Fairies are gonna find you McAllister and they’re gonna make you pay.
Michael Bourn – 3-for-6, 1 run, 2 RBIs. As the principle disciple of SAGNOF, I don’t own Bourn anywhere. Think he’s crazy overrated, but you want more steals if you own him, right? I mean, that’s all you want and you want him to drive a dump truck to your driveway and pour steals out all over the pavement like they’re dead fish.
Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs and hitting .261 on the year. But how long until that’s .190? That’s the Reynolds rap.
Josh Willingham – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers (his 7th and 8th) and his 3rd homer in the last 4 games. I don’t think it’s just that he’s seeing the ball better, but his ESPN ownership just fell below 85%. Invariably, that will get a player started.
Jamey Carroll – 3-for-5, 1 run. Let’s see what I can say positive. He has a hot girl first name? Yeah, I got nothing.
Austin Jackson – Probably won’t return on Monday since he isn’t doing any physical activity. Soon he will need someone to knock out one of his bedroom walls and a crane to get him out of bed.
Omar Infante – 3-for-5, 2 runs, now 8 for his last 19. Omar also knows you don’t try to hit a man when he’s taking his grandmother to church. You don’t knock a crown off a grandmother!
Rick Porcello – 5 IP, 5 ER. Too bad Porcello can’t get together with Buchholz and his suntan lotion-doctored baseballs because it looks like Porcello’s throwing beach balls.
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. He’s on pace for 50 homers, 194 RBIs, 137 runs and a .391 average. My head just exploded…And Miggy is putting it back together with Scotch Tape!
Salvador Perez – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. Whoa, an extra two hits and a whole RBI? You spoil me!
Kelvin Herrera – Sent to Triple-A to work on his mechanics. For Kelvin, that’s absolute zero.
Mike Mostsuckass – 0-for-2, 1 RBI. On Tuesday, I’m dropping him if he doesn’t show signs this weekend. I don’t tell you this so you can remind me. I tell you this so you can be the voice of reason on Tuesday if I’m still not doing what needs to be done. If I can’t break up with him, you will be my Bonnie Hunt.