Linguist, academic and all-around good guy with a lot of free time on his hands, David Crystal says there’s been no definitive research on how many people are actually laughing out loud when they type out el oh el (Thanks, Wikipedia!). I’m guessing the number is less than 50% and the number of people actually rolling on the floor laughing when they type that dopey acronym is far less. I bring this up to impress on you the amount of things read on the internet that turn out to be false. With all that said (and it was a lot, wasn’t it?), the internet tells me the Yankees are going to promote Jesus Montero in the next couple of weeks. If you read that and no streamers or balloons fell from the ceiling, then pull the rip cord harder. In keeper leagues, he should be owned already. If he’s not, I’m assuming you’re in an NL-Only league or a mixed league filled with atheists. Back in February, the two thousand and eleventh year of Jesus Montero’s call up, I gave him the projections of 20/5/30/.290 in 100 at-bats. Still sounds about right. I’m a God, mortal! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Hanley Ramirez – Day-to-day with a sprained shoulder. That sounds like nothing for a guy who plays through injuries and just lives and breathes the game like he’s Luke Appling or some other old timey player. Unfortunately, that’s not Hanley Ramirez. My guess is he’ll miss at least five to seven games.
Omar Infante – 3-for-5, 2 homers. Hmm… I feel like I heard about him somewhere recently…Something about how you should pick him up…Oh, I know. I wrote it yesterday. I’m a genius, even if I need the spellchecker to spell genius.
Jason Isringhausen – Screwed the turkey, or whatever that cliche is, yesterday for the second day in a row. Give Bobby Parnell, who sounds like a character Don Cheadle would play, the closer job. Sure, Parnell hasn’t been great, but at least he has a potential future. What do you have to lose? More games? You can only lose one game at a time, which sounds like something Casey Stengel once said. BTW, he really got the short end of the “That guy has the greatest quotes” stick compared to Yogi.
Johan Santana – Felt discomfort and is having his shoulder examined. Maybe the Mets can trade Johan’s shoulder for Chipper Jones’s lower back. Assuming they both pass through waivers.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-3 with his first homer since, like, when the U.S. gave Canada its independence. Though I’m no history buff. “Take hockey, ‘eh’ and weird police outfits. Leave the Mckenzie brothers.” That’s me at the Treaty of Vancouver.
Yunel Escobar – 1-for-3 with his tenth homer, and his first since June 30th. Tends to hit a few after he gets one, so look for him to tack on. Not tacky though, like that bald guy on Design Star. What, I’m the only one that watches HGTV? C’mon, three lady readers, where are you?
Ian Desmond – 2-for-3 with his 4th home run. Has been so nonexistent for so long, I kinda thought he retired from baseball and opened an emu farm selling giant eggs. Hopefully, if there is a God besides Jesus Montero and Jesus Guzman, Ian Desmond will get hot.
Michael Morse – 2-for-5 with his 18th homer. Dash-dash-dot.
Derek Lowe – 4 IP, 7 ER. Can’t spell Derek without reek.
Jose Constanza – 2-for-4 as he started in place of Heyward. A’la George Costanza, “FREDI!” Would’ve been awesome if Constanza would’ve went into the dugout between innings, then when his name was announced to bat, if he would’ve ran out with no shirt on. This Heyward/Constanza shituation is worth monitoring. In NL-Only leagues, I’d grab Constanza for steals. He did steal 49 bags in Double-A and 23 this year in Triple-A in only 86 games.
Chris Davis – 2-for-5 with his first home run for the Orioles, or the Orange Birds as no one calls them. If you need to catch lightning in a bottle with power, Davis could provide it. The preceding was brought to you by Bill James’ beard. No, not that definition of beard.
Mark Reynolds – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 24th homer. Earl Weaver could’ve managed the shizz out of this team.
Brennan Boesch – 3-for-4, and his 16th homer and 5th steal for the nourishing slam & legs. Tellin’ ya right now (as if that’s not obvious), it’s gonna be hard to figure out where to draft Boesch next year.
Alex Avila – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. His July (.197, no homers) kinda smelled like an old man’s fart, but every other month he’s been usable.
Edgar Renteria – 1-for-4 with a home run. I’m not proud to tell you this, but I picked him up in one league where I was hurting for a middle infidel. Sometimes trades give players a boost in the arm. And sometimes you need a booster shot in the arm if you have the Renterias.
Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Don’t care, I wouldn’t pick him up.
Garrett Jones – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers. How dare you steal the thunder from the arrival of Ryan Ludwick! Assuming you can make sure Jones never sees a lefty on your fantasy team, he might be worth a look.
Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-5 and two homers as the Pirates pitching staff decided to suddenly regress to what they should’ve been all year.
Kyle Kendrick – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Somewhere, Joe Blanton, “That could’ve been me! I swear!”
Troy Tulowitzki – Left the game after hurting his pinkiewitzki. Should be fine to go tomorrow. Hopefully, since his fantasy owners paid top dollar for his final two months of production.
Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. Extremely solid start following his no-hitter. Also, Johnny Vander Meer’s family can stop following him around now.
Mark Trumbo – Hit his 20th home run yesterday. I get the feeling he’s going to take a big step forward next year. Assuming the Sciosciapath doesn’t bench him for an Izturis, an Aybar or a Mathis.
Jason Kipnis – Now has three straight games with a homer. “Why didn’t I pick him up?” That’s you after you see someone else in your league grab him.
Phil Hughes – A complete game shutout! (Okay, the game was rain shortened to six innings, but whatever. Final thirds are overrated. I would’ve loved Inglourious Basterds without the final third.)
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 with his first major league homer. Or as you say his name in German, Au Shit!
Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs Latos (7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks) as the two offensive powerhouses, Dodgers and Padres, met in Petco. Luckily, someone scored and this game didn’t need to be decided with a game of duck, duck, goose.
Mike Adams – 1 IP, 1 ER. If there’s no Padre fans, is there still derisive laughing when Adams gives up runs? Ponder that after three bong hits.